Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

She's not, my grandfather has various health conditions and he lives with her. He's still very active and drives himself to appointments but she doesn't like to leave him for too long just in case. She still pops in at various times throughout the week.

I'm OK though, I've found a lovely cleaner to come and help me with the house which has been a huge help. I also got back in touch with an old friend and she's been popping in too.

Hi @Jessa85, will post properly later (lots of chores to do today). but for now I just wanted to say how delighted I have been to read your updates. Have been worrying a bit about you.

Your arse of a stbexh is behaving exactly as I thought he would. My late exh thought that he could do as he pleased and ignore the law of the land re child maintenance - he was wrong. Judges (if we are forced to turn to them for help) tend to take a dim view of such creatures, as my late exh found to his detriment. Keep on truckin', chick, and lots of love to the little sweeties. x x x

Even though they will probably reconcile with their son, they can still maintain their friendship and support with OP and granddaughters. That would be a good outcome for everyone.

@LillyPJ yes of course, that would be best all round.

Hi @Jessa85
im glad to read that you’re getting help IRL.
im a completely lone parent and live a long way from family too.
ive always worked FT and then spent most of my free time doing things with my DC. Wherever possibly I’ve outsourced as many chores/ cleaning/ shopping as poss.
Making friends with neighbours, your old friends, and DC’s friends’ mums - became my support network. I got so much help and then at weekends I would do as many party runs or play dates to help the other mums out who’d helped me in the week.
I hope he’s really penalised financially he’s so objectionable.
lotsnof love x

Morning ❤
He's replied to my email overnight and has sent me the child maintenance payment, I feel so relieved about that. He also wrote that he's instructed his solicitor not to seek custody or visitation so told me he will pay whats due until he has to and then that's that.
I'm so upset for my girls, their father is just able to discard them in the way that he has. They love their dad, my heart absolutely breaks for them.
I'm going to see my mum later, I need a big hug.

Jesus - what an absolute callous fuck. Your poor girls.
You all deserve so much better, he will honestly regret these decisions in years to come and I hope it chokes him.

Stay strong, get that hug and maybe some chocolate xx

Does it mean he will not see them at any point?
Like not at all?
I hope I misunderstood it.

My god that’s so upsetting he doesn’t want see them. No doubt part of this is the ow influence but this is msiblh down to him. His parents will be so ashamed as they sound like good people.

Oh my god. I've followed this thread from the beginning and I've been continually shocked by your exes behaviour, but I am absolutely flabbergasted that someone could so callously just disregard their own children. I'm so sorry, OP, I hope your girls get through this knowing it's him and not them. Hope you got a big cuddle from your mam, take care of yourself xxxx

I’m glad you’ve got your child maintenance money but what an absolute shithead! How can this new woman think that someone who could discard his children without a backwards glance is a decent human being! They deserve each other.

you are well rid of him and your girls will be so proud of the way you’ve acted and, in time, will forget about their deadbeat of a father!

To infinity and beyond! Head up 💐

How can any parent not want to see their children? You have had a lucky escape and his new woman can have such a heartless piece of !&$#. Sorry you and your girls have to go through this and probably years of therapy for them (that you should get him to have to pay for!). Please make sure you get every penny you deserve, especially his pension! And also contributions effective for you putting your career on hold to raise his family.
Go girl, you’ve got this!

I’m so sorry @Jessa85. He’s not a good man. And as heartbreaking as this is for your girls who knows the damage he would do if he was alone with them regularly. Get your girls therapy. One day they will understand that this is because of his inadequacies not theirs.

He’s a complete narcissist to be able to drop his kids like that. I have no doubt one day he’ll come sniffing around when his OW has dumped him and he wants some validation. But hopefully he will have screwed it up by that point and you will be in control of access. It does seem he’s not good at seeing the bigger picture. It must feel awful right now but I really think this is a blessing in disguise for you and your children.

What an absolute bell end !

I can't even comprehend it, I am so upset. I haven't stopped crying since I saw the reply. I have photos of him around the house with the girls, all the fun we've had together as a family (despite all our issues). It's like he has just erased himself from their lives. I don't really know what to say and I haven't replied to him yet because I need to calm down. Maybe I won't even give him the decency of a reply.

I'm going to ask my solicitor to fully clarify that he means zero contact, nothing at all... not even on their birthdays. Fuck what an absolute jerk, I never expected him to be this cruel. Whatever is going on in his head, this current childfree 'paradise' he seems to think he's in right now... it's not going to last, he'll regret what he's done. I hope he never tries to worm his way back into their lives. I'm beside myself

My heart goes out to you, @Jessa85, it's unconscionable xx

I can understand why your hearts breaking for them he's a cold bastard and I think his parents will be horrified.
Make sure your solicitor requests a letter from him which states no objection to you taking the girls abroad on holidays. Seems a weird one at this stage but given his actions - trying to punish you, seeing the half of savings as you stealing "his" money and now this I wouldn't put it past him down the line to try and punish you further etc. Whilst he's in a cold mood get the letter/email etc.

Keep the grandparents relationship going though but with clear boundaries with them for your girls sake. Simple things around bringing him up to them. They will also be heartbroken and have elements of going oh your daddy also loved X but that's not going to help your kids as the bastard has thrown them aside. He doesn't deserve the title Dad.

He's trying to hurt you and punish you, his other attempts have failed such as trying to reveal the affair which you found out about. You being one step ahead with savings, divorce papers and then trying to withhold legal obligations and child maintenance. This is the last piece in his weaponry as the others you have been ahead at.

Don't respond to him, get your solicitor to. He deliberately wants to hurt you, keep it documented and support your girls.

Edit to say: he is wanting that emotive response from you, for you to be horrified and ask him why etc. It's a power play, he wants to gain back control. Do not do it however much you want to.
As for the photos - start taking more photos of adventures with the girls, pictures with their grandparents and over time replace the ones which are up. Put the old ones in a box for if your girls ever want them in future.

Please give yourself time to process this latest development, which must be such a huge shock. I wouldn't seek clarification at this stage. I think it's an act of retaliation because you took your half of the savings. This tells you his mentality. My ex would hurt our joint children in any way he could to get at me. It's an abysmal personality trait. He wants you to be reeling. Give yourself some time to steady and process. I'm so sorry that it hurts so much.

@Jessa85 what a horrible thing for a dad to do!!! he is a shit and I am sure your girls will remember how nasty he has been when they are older. I doubt they will want to contact him in the future. he doesnt deserve theit love! he will live to regret this when he is a lonely old man without the girlfriend on his arm (she will scarper soon when she realises how horrible he is)

Don’t reply to him. Or at most, with the fewest and most neutral words possible to acknowledge his email.

That’s absolutely astounding, I don’t know what to say. How heartless and unfeeling of him.

Was he engaged and involved with the girls when he spent time with them? I can only imagine how blindsided this particular communication from him must make you feel.

At some point a good play therapist or family therapist would be an idea, I know you’ve said you’re pro therapy, you don’t need to navigate all of your feelings and the girls’ alone.

I’m appalled on your behalf, all sorts of names/insults and psychological terms are coming to mind but I honestly don’t understand him.

I would say that your girls are better off without him if these are his true colours. Disgusting excuse of a man.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Just when you thought he couldn’t get any lower…

As PP have said, you can’t control his behaviour, so try to see the positives. You don’t have to deal with the arsehole, and your DC are protected from him as well.

Can school support with counselling for them?

For now I would not respond at all, or just reply “noted.”

I don't think I could even formulate a reply to that.

It just means that hitting out to hurt you is the most important thing to him right now. Chimp brain.

I can understand why you are so upset and hurt for your children. It’s hard to understand because the person you thought he was would never have acted like this. So you realise that you never knew him it all.

So it’s not just that you are facing a new future, one you didn’t plan for. You are also re evaluating your past. It feels like nothing was ever real.

That’s so devastating.

I understand you are trying to get your husband to have at least some contact with his children. But I’d caution you against agreeing to make that on their birthdays or even Christmas . Because if doesn’t happen ( as it probably won’t ) it will spoil these special days for them . You need to be free to make these fun days for them without any regards to him and his schedule / demands.

You can’t give him the power to control whether or not they have a good birthday.

If he’s going to have face to face contact ( or even just a zoom call) chose a random other regular date and time. Such asa zoom call on the 10th of every month at 4pm. Or face to face visits on the first Sunday of every month from 12-3pm.

Try to get any contact as structured as possible, for the sake of your children. Uncertainly is the hardest thing for them to deal with, as they will always be hoping and waiting.

My children have now accepted that their father wants little to do with them, except when he needs them to attend a family event to make him look good. I don’t mean it’s easy for them , they have had counselling etc to help them deal with it .

But now they know it’s about HIM and who he is and not about THEM. It’s not their fault, it’s just that he is a shit father who doesn’t have the ability to see them as real people , they are just walk on actors in his show. They don’t exist for him the rest of the time.

Yes that’s tough to accept. But it’s a hell of a lot easier than spending your life trying to force someone who doesn’t love you to love you .