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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

787 replies

Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 09:31

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

  • no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
  • no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
  • no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
  • refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
  • won't eat fish
  • no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
  • jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
  • hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

OP posts:
JHound · 28/02/2025 11:28

BodenCardiganNot · 27/02/2025 09:37

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking.
So what does he do?

This was my question.

Beexxxx · 28/02/2025 11:30

You need to take some of that money out the joint account and invest in a day at a rage room! I’m so angry for you, I was angry enough that he told you to make your own food as-well as his but the whole picture is just rage inducing! Looking forward to updates, get your support network solidified and keep strong!

JHound · 28/02/2025 11:30

Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 09:47

Thank you all. I think batch cooking for him and just being consistent with the kids on eating with me is going to be the best thing.

To answer questions on what he does... well he doesn't do much at all! It's been a long term problem in our relationship because he grew up having to do nothing in the house. We went to therapy last year and things improved but slowly he's slipping into being a lazy bugger again. He's the breadwinner and although I've considered divorce (reason for therapy), I simply don't think I can afford the house by myself. So I'm a bit stuck really. He's a good person, heart of gold but damn lazy and frustrating.

Yes blueberry I am a people pleaser and seem to have made a rod for my own back here.

He does not have a heart of gold if he is willing to leave almost all the labour to you.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/02/2025 11:49

If you can pay your half off £35k and have £X left over, then he has had £70k plus £X left over every single year.

There's a lot of money hidden somewhere @Jessa85, which is half yours.

Dig, dig, dig and keep cards close.

Lilactimes · 28/02/2025 11:52

Mummaoffour1234 · 28/02/2025 11:20

Hello, you’ve had so many comments on here I’m just going to say you sound like an amazing and strong person who goes above and beyond for everyone else. Your responses have been so dignified and reflective. I hope you find a way to deal with this situation, to make time to rest and do things for you and eat the foods you want! Take care fellow mother! Xx

I just want to add to this @Jessa85 - you do sound so dignified caring and reflective…
I am just SO fed up and angry on your behalf. I am glad you’re making plans to change your situation. Xx

Farmwifefarmlife · 28/02/2025 11:54

Jessa85 · 27/02/2025 09:57

I think that was the problem, he was pandered too as a child and here we are.

I'll absolutely ask him to look into orthorexia and I have spoken to him before about the precedent he is setting for the kids. Thankfully I've always given them a varied diet through the day since they were babies and it's only dinners that have become monotonous for us.

Show quote history

Will he try things or just refuse to try them? He can’t genuinely dislike that much food!?

PragmaticIsh · 28/02/2025 11:59

Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 10:28

Yes I am completely raging!! but also focused so that's good, I haven't blown my top at him because I need to play the long, calm game.

Yes I'm making a list of questions for the solicitor and his disposable income is on there. He mentioned once before about investing or looking into investing, then I heard nothing more about it but maybe that's where his income is going. I'm going to ask him about it when we talk finances but ultimately I'll be telling the solicitor that I suspect there is money elsewhere.

Show quote history

You could invest in a forensic accountant to investigate where your DH is hiding the extra money. It would cost but would absolutely be worth it if you do go down the divorce route.

*Edited to say 'the' extra money, not 'his' extra money, because it's not HIS money, it's yours!

IVbumble · 28/02/2025 12:00

Wow OP I think you are incredible & you've got this.

Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 12:12

I just wanted to update you all because I had a chat with my husband this morning as he is WFH today. We discussed all the main issues - finances, household and of course the food too. I'll break it down, this is very condensed, OMG are you ready -

Food -
He told me he's upset that I will exclude him from future meals. I explained I am not excluding him at all and came up with various options for compromise that he huffed at. So I've told him, I am cooking XYZ and there will be a portion for him, if he doesn't want that he can cater for himself.

Household -
He said that his work is very taxing and he is mentally drained after each day, that coming home and doing housework isn't on his radar. I lost my cool a little here and told him why should it be on mine!!! that I do EVERYTHING, that we had counselling last year and this was part of that reason. I explained that if he can't do the housework, he should pay for a cleaner etc... but he said 'why when you cope with it already'. I lost it... I completely lost it. This man is a f'ing joke.

Finances -
I showed him all the finances and he agreed it is a little unbalanced... damn i laughed at 'a little'. I told him how I have no money for myself and he said is that why I always look drab, that I don't look after myself enough. I'm in shock... I don't look drab, I look after myself I'm just not walking around the house in tight dresses with pristine hair all day like he wants. He said he will adjust his finances but to be honest even if he adjusted to 100% on his side, I'm out. He said his disposable income goes on clothes etc and investments that he holds... I've asked for details of those.

At this point I've realised that it's over, he has zero respect for me, is financially and emotionally abusing me and I'M OUT. I haven't told him about the divorce plans, I seriously think he just thinks this is me having another whinge but no, he'll be shocked when he realises.

I've condensed this down, so much more was said. I don't know whether to ask him to go to a hotel this weekend or whether that will put him into panic mode and start hiding stuff from me. I don't know what happened to the guy I met 15 years ago, seems he also got lost over the last 10 years. What a jerk.

OP posts:
EnjoythemoneyJane · 28/02/2025 12:12

@Jessa85 , the easiest thing to do when threads are filling up quickly is to just start a new one with the title of your original post but none of the content, just links to the previous threads.

Those of us who have been with you throughout know what’s going on, and it’ll prevent the whole thing filling up with ‘have you tried sitting him on a throne and spoon-feeding him mashed potato?’ from all the people who just comment without RFTF (or even bothering to read your own updates). You don’t need to keep replying to the food suggestions, just ignore them!

I’ve not posted before as I’ve nothing to add to all the great advice and support and outrage you’ve had in spades. I only wanted to say that the rage I felt on your behalf reading your posts was as much as I’ve ever felt reading about women’s shitty situations on here.

I’m so glad you’ve found your own anger and the strength to act on it. I wish you and your girls every happy happiness, and I hope you take this abusive, selfish, lazy piece of shit to the cleaners. He needs a backdated fucking bill for every penny he owes you and a boot up the arse as he leaves.

Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 12:14

Oh wait I will start a new thread as suggested!!

OP posts:
Tangled123 · 28/02/2025 12:18

I am so glad you are seeing this ‘man’ for what he truly is, OP. I am raging on your behalf over your latest update (on top of all the rest).

It makes me so angry there are still men who expect women to fully look after the domestic responsibilities while they do the absolute minimum financially. It is disgusting, especially on such unequal incomes, like they are here.

I hope your appointments next week go well, OP.

Lilactimes · 28/02/2025 12:18

Posting this here again on this thread.
It just rings true for so many women on MN and am really feeling the female rage x

https://youtube.com/shorts/JVgUsJdeaDQ?si=xugqGlGweTdMxGxA

Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 12:21

Thank you all for your comments, advice and support. I am truly grateful for all of you who are helping me today and all the kindness you have shown me.

As this thread has taken a new turn I have created a new one as suggested and added links back to here. I will now ask for this thread to be closed, updates on my new one.

OP posts:
0ctavia · 28/02/2025 12:26

Ok about his income of £105k. If that’s just a rough number you are using then just ignore the rest of this.

Is that £105k AFTER his pension contribtions ?

Most people who earn between 100k and 120k put more into their pension to take their income down to 100k. This is because there is a marginal rate of income tax of about 62% if you earn in this range, because you lose your personal allowance pound for pound after 100k. So that figure immediately looks very sus to me.

So do some more investigation. I hope I’ve explained the tax things correctly, I’m not any kind of expert.

Do you know the value of his pension? I assume you know that’s a matrimonial asset, or at least what he’s contributed during the marriage .

As a starting point for your investigation, I would assume that a mean, dishonest, materialistic man who earns over £100k probably had a HUGE pension hidden away that’s worth a lot more than your joint house.

And probably savings like ISAs as well. They will be hidden somewhere in his own name ( or perhaps the kids names).

0ctavia · 28/02/2025 12:27

Oops I didn’t see your last post. I must learn to refresh.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 28/02/2025 12:27

@Jessa85 Could you put a link here to the new thread, please?

Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 12:29

new thread -updates

OP posts:
TwoFastHorses · 28/02/2025 12:29

Can you add a link to your new thread, please? @Jessa85 Following in solidarity!

Original poster
Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 12:32

0ctavia · 28/02/2025 12:26

Ok about his income of £105k. If that’s just a rough number you are using then just ignore the rest of this.

Is that £105k AFTER his pension contribtions ?

Most people who earn between 100k and 120k put more into their pension to take their income down to 100k. This is because there is a marginal rate of income tax of about 62% if you earn in this range, because you lose your personal allowance pound for pound after 100k. So that figure immediately looks very sus to me.

So do some more investigation. I hope I’ve explained the tax things correctly, I’m not any kind of expert.

Do you know the value of his pension? I assume you know that’s a matrimonial asset, or at least what he’s contributed during the marriage .

As a starting point for your investigation, I would assume that a mean, dishonest, materialistic man who earns over £100k probably had a HUGE pension hidden away that’s worth a lot more than your joint house.

And probably savings like ISAs as well. They will be hidden somewhere in his own name ( or perhaps the kids names).

Oh gosh I cannot remember if that was pre-pension or not, I know he has a good pension. I will for sure be talking to the solicitor about all of this to find out what I need to do, thank you @0ctavia

OP posts:
amigafan2003 · 28/02/2025 13:08

JimHalpertsWife · 28/02/2025 10:01

So you would make (say) bolognese, for everyone, knowing one dc doesn't like sauces. And they would just not eat the meal that evening?

Show quote history

Yes.

However, very rarely will they not eat anything, even if its picking some of the pasta out with a bit of cheese on top.

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2025 13:11

user1492757084 · 28/02/2025 08:25

Start to cook meals specifically for you and the girls.
Have the girls join in and make exciting, healthy and varied food including salads and chunky vegies.
Only cook two meals per week for the whole family, in the style of what your husband likes.

Batch cook a pasta that husband likes, freeze in husband size portions. Bake twenty potatoes and freeze. Keep canned beans in pantry. Have some bread that husband likes and butter.
He makes his own breakfasts and lunches.
Use the microwave for the five nights per week husband has either pasta or potatos with beans.

Stop seeing his food as your problem.

Great you are sorting out the big picture, re finance etc.

Edited

No. He sorts his own food out

koolkatxx · 28/02/2025 13:27

I am just as picky as your DH. I hate creamy anything, don't eat eggs, any dish with pies or pastries, stews, etc... The only thing I differ with is that I love fish, but that's the only difference. But that's why I cook in my household. If he is this picky, he should cook. My DH eats anything so I just cook foods that I can actually eat.

Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 28/02/2025 13:29

koolkatxx · 28/02/2025 13:27

I am just as picky as your DH. I hate creamy anything, don't eat eggs, any dish with pies or pastries, stews, etc... The only thing I differ with is that I love fish, but that's the only difference. But that's why I cook in my household. If he is this picky, he should cook. My DH eats anything so I just cook foods that I can actually eat.

The thread's moved on, it's no longer about food. Read the OP's updates.