Husbands food preferences driving me crazy!

[Jessa85]

Sorry this got long! I'm struggling with my husband and the family meals I make.

He is incredibly fussy or particular... I don't know the best way to describe it so I'll list out what he won't eat -

• no creamy dishes - things like 'marry me' chicken or honey mustard chicken are a no no.
• no sour cream or mayonnaise - would simply refuse something like beef stroganoff
• no chunky vegetable dishes, no salads
• refuses to eat meals with pie or pastries
• won't eat fish
• no stews or soups - hates stews and soups are 'not a meal' apparently
• jacket potatoes will only eat with beans and must have meat on the side
• hates egg dishes so meals like quiche or omelette are out of the question

None of these preferences are allergy related.

We eat the same meals on repeat every week - some pasta variation, some curry variation, some meat and veg variation and I'm at my wits end, It's been 10 years and I'm bored of the same food. I'm craving something different but every time he will say - does it have XYZ in it? why is the veg all chunky? you know I don't like this sort of thing and so on. If he had it his way, we would BBQ meat every night and eat it with the same veg and some form of side dish.

I am a mum and work full-time, I am responsible for most of the housework and all the cooking. I really do not want to be cooking two separate meals everyday, I don't have the time or the energy for that.

I thought about asking him to cook his own meal but then I have the issue of our kids seeing us eating two different things and say well if daddy can have something different why can't I! Which will stress me out even more, I want them to eat a variety of food and not become so regimented like their father.

I really don't know what to do, I've spoken to him about it many times and he said 'I like what I like'... my reply was 'well what about what I like?' he told me I can always cook myself something different. Any advice appreciated, thank you.

UPDATE FROM OP ADDED BY MNHQ: Thank you for all the replies and for all the advice on food. The situation has escalated and I'll add updates on my relationship when possible for those interested in following along with me

Yes I realise that now. What an idiot I've been, at least now my eyes are open

You’re not an idiot. Far from it.

We can all see on this thread that you’re smart because you’re doing something about it.

Sending love.

You are doing so well. I can feel your rage fire from here.

he’s a complete fucker - even if all of your personal income went on bills since you go halves he’d still have 70k leftover. I bet he’s not putting that much into savings every year? (Or equivalent amounts if that’s before tax)

The thing is OP and I can only imagine how hard it is but you need to stop trusting him. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He’s not going to give you free access to his bank accounts. Speak to your solicitor instead re best ways to access these.

He would be making his own dinners if he was that particular.

You’re not an idiot, you’ve been systemically beaten down and hoodwinked into thinking this is the life you and your girls deserve. I’d bet my big arse that he’s been salting away money for himself and therefore also depriving your kids.

Yes I am completely raging!! but also focused so that's good, I haven't blown my top at him because I need to play the long, calm game.

Yes I'm making a list of questions for the solicitor and his disposable income is on there. He mentioned once before about investing or looking into investing, then I heard nothing more about it but maybe that's where his income is going. I'm going to ask him about it when we talk finances but ultimately I'll be telling the solicitor that I suspect there is money elsewhere.

He either doesn't know what breadwinner actually means, or more likely, he's been intentionally undermining your position and confidence all this time. Unfortunately I'm sure you'll discover more areas where he's lying, gaslighting and abusing you, I'm so sorry op.

I'm glad you have a plan but also, you are seeing him for what he is.

really not normal. My ExH was an emotionally abusive cunt, but he never pulled this kind of shit on me.

He paid for ALL the bills, and i paid for groceries/household items, any/all money free after was shared, none of this his/mine, we didn't have joint accounts but we both knew what each of us had left each month to play with for social/incidentals.. and if i was short i could ask him without fear to pay.

Knowing the OP is being forced to pay 50/50 on such different incomes is shocking. OP.. you have to sort that out.. wtf is he doing each month with all those extra 1000s while you're struggling?

I think its the latter, he's been undermining me. In our therapy sessions last year I told him the way he treated me made me feel so insignificant, that I'm only good as his housewife. He seems to have forgotten all of what I said and slipped back into his usual ways. I have contributed so much to this relationship, only to be treated like a maid and quite frankly a piece of meat. Enough is enough, I'm angry and ready to fight for my freedom.

Gosh it made my stomach flip when you gave details of both of your incomes and the fact you have to pay 50/50 for bills.

Im so glad you’re now finally seeing the light.

Good luck on your journey.

Its crazy isn't it. I didn't realise just how abusive he is to me and how I've let him get away with it. No idea where his disposable income is going, I'm hoping that all comes out over the next few days. I've sat thinking about the last 10 years and how much I've contributed compared to him, I'm honestly horrified at myself for allowing this to happen.

It made mine flip too when I worked out the percentages for proportional contribution based on our incomes. I'm truly disgusted at it all.

my partner is fussy (well he thought he was). Mostly to do with him not being exposed to other foods and liked his comfort zone. He didn’t like veg and I love it. I love food and trying new things and get excited over cooking.

At the start of our relationship I people pleased and made good he would eat. Anything he considered unusual he would eat it but moan. He can cook and used ready meals.

After a while I got fed up as I did most of the cooking. I started to make things I liked but rebranded them as chicken stew instead of chicken tagine. Added extra veg etc. there were things I didn’t like but he does so I did cook them and a slight variation for me.

basically I told him to cook his own or stop moaning. He didn’t want to cook. He lived off ready meals whilst I ate lovely food. He apologised Said he liked my cooking and is now more adventurous with food. Even ordering it out.

surprisingly he booked a hot pot as a surprise for me. Something he wouldn’t have done years ago. Go on strike!!!

You're doing the right thing OP, for you and for your daughters. They shouldn't think that this is how people behave to each other in a happy, equal relationship.

In my situation, I do all the cooking and housework but then I only work 2 days a week and my DH pays all the bills. Today only financial contribution I make is for 50%of the food and some of the treat money.

We both make a contribution to the household in our own ways and are both happy with it. That's the crux of it, we both feel that it's fair.

Is there anyway I can edit my original post? This has become so much more than the food issues to the point where the food issue is now irrelevant really.

I just wanted to add a sentence to the top to say no food advice necessary and to follow along for updates but the edit button has disappeared

I think you can report the thread to Mumsnet yourself and let them know you need an edit, they'll do it

Thank you, I just didn't want people to waste their time replying with food advice. I appreciate it but we're far from that now. I'll see if I can report it myself.

He earns 3 x times your salary but only pays 50% of the expenses, that's bloody shocking Op. Not only spoilt, lazy and picky he's mean and nasty.

This man has a new definition of "breadwinner"
To him it means he wins by keeping all the bread

You say your situation will not change unless he changes, have you thought about making changes which will make your life more agreeable? Leave him in charge of his meals and see about dropping down to part time so you have more time to handle housework. If he does have a heart of gold I'm sure he'll agree to measures which make your life easier.

I have to read and run - but holy shit, OP. I nearly choked at this.

Of a combined household income of 140k, you earn 25% of it, yet he expects you to pay 50% (which proportionally, within your means is 3x more expensive to you than to him) but also to do 100% of childcare, housework, wifework AND to fuck him on top?

I am raging for you right now. I would have done something I'd come to regret by now, so hats off to you for your channeled rage. May it lead you all the way through a divorce and into the sunny uplands of financial independence and freedom away from this absolute piss-taking coklodger.

Or you could start a new thread and link it from here ?

@Jessa85 maybe you can stop paying in that 50% now. Or stop paying anything….

Hello, you’ve had so many comments on here I’m just going to say you sound like an amazing and strong person who goes above and beyond for everyone else. Your responses have been so dignified and reflective. I hope you find a way to deal with this situation, to make time to rest and do things for you and eat the foods you want! Take care fellow mother! Xx

You both work full time, yet you do everything. Why? It should be a fair split. Why are you cooking dinners that only he likes?
Cook whatever you fancy. He doesn't like it, he can cook something else.
Your kids will be watching and learning from your behaviour. If they see mum does all the work, they're more likely to accept that as an adult.