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Original poster

AIBU for expecting him to pay?

226 replies

fl00b · 26/02/2025 11:18

My partner moved in 6 weeks ago after our son was born. Since then he hasn't paid, or offered to pay for anything towards bills or rent. The past week I've had to send him over £100 too as he's had no money for petrol or food at work. I also pay for all his food at mine. He used to live with his mum and pay her board.

I've received my first wage slip from work with my maternity pay on and I can't live on such a low amount whilst supporting a house, 4 children and him. I'm also not entitled to any benefits because he lives with me and works.

I hinted to him that I might need him to start helping out by showing him my wage-slip, and his words were that I could explore going back to work for 2 days a week (my son is only 6 weeks old) then I think the penny dropped for him and he offered to give me some money. However deep down I feel awful for taking off him which I know I shouldn't, but I don't know how else I'm meant to survive.

OP posts:
100percenthagitude · 26/02/2025 18:12

If you weren't living together before your child was born, @fl00b then clearly there were red flags or problems?

What made you think that it was a good idea that he leave mummy 1 and come to live with mummy 2?

DottieMoon · 26/02/2025 18:13

It’s hard to have any sympathy when your are allowing yourself to be treated like a fool

jacks11 · 26/02/2025 18:14

Namechangetheyarewatching · 26/02/2025 12:41

He needs to be paying 50/50 for bills, probably a bit less for food, as you have other children, unless they are his.

Don't subsidise him ffs

No, he shouldn’t be. Whilst it is ridiculous he did not immediately offer to contribute to the household costs and supporting his child, I’m not sure he should be paying 50%- maybe he should be paying more, maybe paying less.

It is always advised on MN that what each partner pays towards costs should be proportional to their income. I.e. if he earns 20% more than OP then he should pay proportionally more than OP, and vice-versa. Arguably, he should not be paying to support 3 children (e.g. childcare costs, clothing and hobbies) who are not his, as their parents should be doing that.

Richiewoo · 26/02/2025 18:24

He's living with you of course he should be paying. Why didn't you discuss this before he moved in.

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/02/2025 18:32

Bansheed · 26/02/2025 11:20

What am I reading? Throw him out AND ask him for money for the baby

Shocking isn’t it !

sugarrosepetal · 26/02/2025 18:34

Woah! Stop feeling guilty about asking him to help out. He should have been doing this from day dot, without asking!

He should be paying half of all bills including rent and contributing to the food and cleaning shop at a bare minimum.

If he doesn't contribute, he can live elsewhere.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 26/02/2025 18:34

You 'hinted' you should be reading him the riot act. If he still refuses or isn't very apologetic I'd kick him out and then you could claim benefits

Umidontknow · 26/02/2025 19:00

Why the fuck shouldn't he pay??

Bananalanacake · 26/02/2025 21:07

Have you posted before about this, I saw an identical thread a while ago, or is there more than one of them. Send him back to his mum's for god's sake.

Burntt · 26/02/2025 21:23

Kick him out!!! Then apply for he help you are entitled to through UC and go for child maintenance!

I've made this mistake. Had to return to work when my dd was 8 weeks old because her horrible father was just like yours. LEECHING OFF A VULNERABLE WOMAN. That is what he is doing. That is a horrible horrible excuse for a person. You deserve better op. I was married and suffered for 15 months before I ended up leaving my own home to escape his DV because that's what this attitude turns into when you can no longer pay and start putting boundaries and expectations down. Get this cock lodger out of your home before he get too good a hold on you

Zucker · 26/02/2025 21:27

For Fucks Sake. Every day there's another man story that plunges new depths. I can only hope they're for a creative writing class somewhere.

You hinted to him, here's a hint for him..... stop providing and or making any food for him. Hint with that as a lead.

Pherian · 26/02/2025 21:52

Send him back to his mother and file for child support. Jesus Christ what do you really think ? Do you think you should be supporting a grown man and his child ?

No darling, it’s the other way around - he should be supporting you and the child.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 27/02/2025 07:30

@fl00b I hope you come back and give us more information or what you expect for advice from MNers.

I think you know that he is using you and you cannot allow that to happen. Listen to your gut and protect you and your children from this financial/emotional drain.

You feel "guilty" for asking for money from him when he lives there. Think about that and why you would feel that way. Stop letting him use you and your house as his coklodger pad.

J3nnyFromTheBlock · 27/02/2025 07:31

Is this is a joke?
Don’t hint to him. Fucking well tell him.

Summerlovin24 · 27/02/2025 08:28

Absolutely unbelievable. Send him to mums. You will have angst for years with him.
Omg these threads are so depressing. Incompetent man after man. Woman holding families and homes together
I am divorced. Had 2 dates cancel on me this week. I went mental at them for their flakiness. Useless so I told them. Why should they get away with it. Then one who cancelled sat night trying to get me to rearrange for Friday which would mean me cancelling.plans with my friends. Absolutely no way in the world.
Listen up ladies. We can only be responsible for our own happiness. Our children and friends are the bonds of our life. Men come and go. We support each other. Men don't support each other or their partners. Hence why women are happier over 40

wholettheturnipsburn · 27/02/2025 08:41

You hinted?

4 children.

What have I read

GreatGardenstuff · 27/02/2025 17:00

I hope this is a wind up! How could anyone possibly be this feckless?

LivelyHare · 27/02/2025 17:20

Why oh why did you breed with him?

perfectcolourfound · 27/02/2025 17:33

Why do you think you're responsible for keeping a grown man? What makes you feel that he is your responsibilty?

As many pp have said, of course you shouldn't be keeping him. He should be paying his own way, PLUS his share of the babies expenses, PLUS balancing things out financially with you if you've taken a wage hit due to maternity leave / if you're going to do fewer hours when you go back to work.

He is your child's father and he is equally responsible for being their parent, in financially, practically, emotionally.

While he is leaching money of you, he is taking money away from your children.

He is either a swindler who is trying to get as much out of you as possible, a lazy good for nothing who's seen the way to an easy life, or an arrogant idiot who thinks he deserves to be looked after. Whichever it is, he's an awful father and a lousy bf.

Please kick him out. You have enough on your hands without a 5th child who adds nothing to your life.

And then talk to him about access arrangements and agree a rota. It sounds like he needs to grow up.

And then seek the appropriate Child Maintenance from him. He has a duty to contribute fairly to his child's upbringing.

Channellingsophistication · 27/02/2025 19:42

Are you really asking if it’s unreasonable to expect a grown man with a job to financially support himself … ?

SpringleDingle · 27/02/2025 19:56

What is wrong with you?? I can only hope it’s hormones! This discussion should have been had before he moved in. He should pay in proportion to his earnings, so if you earn the same he pays half (bills and baby expenses). You should cover the 3 kids the aren’t his.

If he doesn’t immediately man up and pay his way then kick him out and he will need to pay child support. And give your head a wobble!!

Brandyinmyteaplease · 28/02/2025 09:04

OP you and your partner are both being unreasonable. You already had 3 children and you decided it would be a good idea to bring a 4th into this world with a man you weren’t even living with, who cannot support you during maternity leave or support his own child. Looks like he cannot even support himself…. Oh never mind, the state will pick up the tab.

Queenofparcels · 28/02/2025 12:46

Brandyinmyteaplease · 28/02/2025 09:04

OP you and your partner are both being unreasonable. You already had 3 children and you decided it would be a good idea to bring a 4th into this world with a man you weren’t even living with, who cannot support you during maternity leave or support his own child. Looks like he cannot even support himself…. Oh never mind, the state will pick up the tab.

"The state" is the likes of you and I and every other taxpayer.😡

thelonghaul · 28/02/2025 15:24

Is this a joke? As the OP hasn't commented on the responses so far, it might well be.

Otherwise.
Yes, ybunreasonably stupid/gullible/victim-like. This is madness. Who gave you the impression that adult relationships, with kids involved, should work like this? Madness.

OhYeahOhYeah · 28/02/2025 17:40

Queenofparcels · 28/02/2025 12:46

"The state" is the likes of you and I and every other taxpayer.😡

Show quote history

I think they were being sarcastic