Handhold needed - think we're over

[heartbrokenlost]

Just had a big argument with DP. We just cannot see eye to eye on our relationship at all. We have 2 kids and I'm just so lost as to what to do next. In my heart I know we're not right for eachother and I could be happier elsewhere but I am so scared of the implications/finances etc of splitting.

I need to try and sleep and see if we can talk calmly in the morning but honestly I think this is it.

I'm sorry, OP. What way do you manage finances? Are you renting or do you own?

What can't you see eye to eye on? Is relationship counselling an option?
How long have you been together?

It’s natural to feel like that. It takes strength to act despite feeling scared. You know what you need to do, you just need to work out how to.

IME this point of realisation is the toughest.

Once I moved out, got my own place and my son settled it became easier. Don’t get me wrong it was far from a breeze but infinitely better than being stuck in a failing relationship. My ex-husband truly brought out the worst in me.

We've been together 8 years. We own the house (mortgage).

The main issues are sex, household, finances, parenting. Quite a lot if I think about it like that.

Financially, he earns more we split bills proportionately it's around 40/60 monthly expenses and then he will cover more of holiday cost. (he doesn't think this is fair - thinks it should be 50/50 despite his higher earnings). We both work full time.

Household - I do 95% of kids/house (I don't think this is fair as we both work full time). Said I'd happily do 50/50 finances if he picked up 50% of the house/kids - he said he absolutely will not.

Sex - he basically wants it everyday. I don't have the energy, 2-3 times week is enough. Makes me feel objectified and guilty if i say no to sex. Cannot wrap his head around the fact that id have more energy for it if i wasn't overworked/overwhelmed with my full time job and 95% of the kids/house - he doesn't think theres a link (i absolutely do!).

Handhold and a hug from me

As sad and painful as this is, though, I think you should listen to that internal voice that's telling you you're not right for each other. If that's the truth, then this needs to happen in order for you to be genuinely happy. If it's not now, then it's going to come round again and you'll wish you hadn't wasted those intervening years. Better to take hold of your courage now and go through the pain and uncertainty of a split, so that you can build a life that doesn't include a relationship with someone you've outgrown.

@SoManyIdiotsSoLittleTime I do thnk we bring out the worst in eachother too sadly.

Before we met he was a happy, productive person. That isn't who I see now. Even his patience with the kids etc. honestly I just hate it. He tells them off for things I really don't think is fair (example: will tell off our 5 year old for not getting dressed yet, but he hasn't thought to get the clothes down for them? not sure if it's usual but both of mine age 5 still need a little help finding the right clothes etc, especially when theyre likely muddled in piles of clean washing i havent had time to put away)

@sprigatito thank you ❤

i just wish he was the guy i first met, im sure hed say the same about me

We're in this situation where I'm just expected to do everything around the house (started when I picked up more with maternity leave etc) and it's just become an expctation that he won't ever change. I can't spend the next 50 or however many years I have left picking up after this man.

Bloody hell he sounds awful OP, I know is scary but you will be well shot of him.

How on earth does he justify leaving 95% of the household/kids to you when you are both working full time?? Literally, what words is he using to justify that to you, especially in the context of your proposed 50/50 financial split. He simply cannot respect you.

I think he should count his lucky starts that he is getting any sex at all, given his behaviour. It's a huge turn off.

You're arguing because he refuses to compromise and wants everything on his terms. He sees you as something there to fulfill his needs and not as an individual in your own right.

You provide sex on demand, look after the house, take care of his children and take care of his needs.

I'm surprised he's not banging you on the head to get you functioning properly.

Someone who loves you and cares about you doesn't want you to exhaust yourself while they play Xbox. Someone who respects you pulls their weight.

His expectations all round seem very unfair.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Loads of positive suggestions on here, it's a well travelled road.
💐

@notwavingbutsinking he won't be able to justify if we did split 50/50 finances. he genuinely thinks he's better than me because 'you don't do 50/50 of the water bill' or whatever other expense goes from his account (forgetting all of the ones that go from my account of course.)

@Maitri108 this is how I feel - but he acts like I'm crazy for thinking it's not right?

We went out for dinner last night (had a babysitter) and because we didn't have sex when we got home (it was late, I was tired) he said the whole evening was shit, as is our relationship.

He can't understand why I don't feel like having sex with someone who watches me burn myself out day in day out trying to keep on top of everything whilst he does whatever he pleases.

Said what I do is easy - 'anyone can do the washing it's 5 minutes' I said you do it then that would be really helpful 'ha, I'm NOT doing the washing!'

imagine if I just opted out of doing this shit, honestly.

@Villagetoraiseachild thank you - it seems so scary but I know others have done it in likely less fortunate places than I am currently

Oh op opt out. You’ve told us almost everything about your relationship is shit and he’s a spoilt baby who doesn’t want to support you financially or parent or pull his weight around the house but does think he deserves sex every couple of days. There is nothing salvageable here.

@Codlingmoths you're right. i just need to find the strength/courage to do it.

I'm afraid OP you aren't remotely crazy and this guy is destined to be very disappointed by relationships , as he seems to have reverted to 1955

@Crikeyalmighty i really thought i might be going crazy at one point

@heartbrokenlost

Of course he makes you feel like you're mad; he doesn't want to change.

I remember a thread here ages ago from a young woman who was absolutely desperate. She wanted to know the magic formula to get her boyfriend to understand what she was saying. No matter how she said it, he just didn't understand.

He didn't understand why she wanted him to pull his weight and why she was resentful. He treated her like she was speaking a foreign language.

He understood her just fine. He didn't want to do anything and he wasn't going to change. This was explained but she may very well still be with him trying to clarify what she means.

Your husband thinks that if he puts a coin in a slot he gets his payout. He wines and dines you and you give him sex. That's why he said he'd wasted his time.

Spending time with you is not valuable in itself as he doesn't value you. Please don't waste anymore time with him.

@Maitri108 that's really interesting - and exactly how i felt this evening. i just cannot understand WHY he thinks he shouldnt have to help, why i should pick up after him, and if i ask him why he refuses to engage, will not explain himself. and i guess the real reason is just that whether he should or he shouldnt, he wont help because he doesnt want to.

thank you - you really are helping me see im not crazy and do deserve better.

Maybe get counselling for yourself as support and to help you plan your exit from this relationship as smoothly as possible.

@Villagetoraiseachild that's a good idea - are there counsellors specific for this sort of thing? i have a very small support network (no one at all locally) so any help or support would be so appreciated

It sounds like he is displaying some abusive behaviours in regard to the using privilege section of this wheel. You know deep down this isn’t right, he’s just skewed your perception of reality because it benefits him for you to doubt yourself, so he can keep his compliant partner who does as she’s told and makes his life easier.

Agree with previous poster, he sounds like a gaslighter.
There is counselling for everything. Normally I would suggest couple counselling if you felt there was any hope of a negotiated compromise, but it sounds like you need building up, so in your case I would quietly go and find someone for myself, during work hours. Phone a few and pick the one you like best or go with a recommendation.