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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handhold needed - think we're over

227 replies

heartbrokenlost · 25/02/2025 22:44

Just had a big argument with DP. We just cannot see eye to eye on our relationship at all. We have 2 kids and I'm just so lost as to what to do next. In my heart I know we're not right for eachother and I could be happier elsewhere but I am so scared of the implications/finances etc of splitting.

I need to try and sleep and see if we can talk calmly in the morning but honestly I think this is it.

OP posts:
Properjob · 25/02/2025 23:36

heartbrokenlost · 25/02/2025 23:27

@Villagetoraiseachild that's a good idea - are there counsellors specific for this sort of thing? i have a very small support network (no one at all locally) so any help or support would be so appreciated

Hi OP sorry to hear your story- this is not what a loving relationship should be like. You will be better without him. I found Relate very useful when I was divorcing they offer support for that too. You're not married are you, so get a good solicitor...good luck dear

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 25/02/2025 23:36

I would just opt out of doing all the shit personally.

Leave everything that's not you or the kids for him to do, including his own washing. If he's not doing it, he will just have to buy new clothes.

I wouldn't have sex with him at all until he's doing 50% of the rest of the work.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2025 23:56

heartbrokenlost · 25/02/2025 23:09

@Maitri108 this is how I feel - but he acts like I'm crazy for thinking it's not right?

We went out for dinner last night (had a babysitter) and because we didn't have sex when we got home (it was late, I was tired) he said the whole evening was shit, as is our relationship.

He can't understand why I don't feel like having sex with someone who watches me burn myself out day in day out trying to keep on top of everything whilst he does whatever he pleases.

Said what I do is easy - 'anyone can do the washing it's 5 minutes' I said you do it then that would be really helpful 'ha, I'm NOT doing the washing!'

imagine if I just opted out of doing this shit, honestly.

I think you should.

Whilst you get your ducks in a row and get legal advice, just let him see how easy it is as you won't be doing it.

No cooking, no shopping, no washing and no sex.

Zippymonkey · 25/02/2025 23:59

Why don’t you stop doing that stuff for him op? He can sort his own washing, cooking etc. I definitely wouldn’t be having sex with him at all. If you want him to understand resentment, then withdrawing everything ought to give him an idea!

Original poster
heartbrokenlost · 26/02/2025 00:01

i guess it feels pointless stopping doing 'his' stuff when i still need to do it for the household/kids - things like hoovering, mopping, changing beds, cleaning the toilets etc. stuff that is 'no ones'

OP posts:
Azandme · 26/02/2025 00:05

It won't feel pointless when he has no clean pants.

You aren't his mum, if he won't share the load, then at least make him take his own load.

He sounds vile.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 26/02/2025 00:19

Household - I do 95% of kids/house (I don't think this is fair as we both work full time). Said I'd happily do 50/50 finances if he picked up 50% of the house/kids - he said he absolutely will not.

What’s his justification for this? He says he wants to go 50/50 on bills, you say you will if he does half the housework (which he should already be doing) and he says…what?

Honeyroar · 26/02/2025 00:42

Azandme · 26/02/2025 00:05

It won't feel pointless when he has no clean pants.

You aren't his mum, if he won't share the load, then at least make him take his own load.

He sounds vile.

I agree. And I’d put all his white clothes in a red wash too for good measure. Cook for the kids and yourself. Leave him a can of beans and some bread.
Seriously though, you get nothing good from living with this waste of space. Get your courage up, get your friends and family to help, get counselling- but just get yourself out of there. Your life will be so much better without him.

CountryTunes · 26/02/2025 01:51

heartbrokenlost · 25/02/2025 22:57

We're in this situation where I'm just expected to do everything around the house (started when I picked up more with maternity leave etc) and it's just become an expctation that he won't ever change. I can't spend the next 50 or however many years I have left picking up after this man.

Have you thought about getting a cleaner and cooking bulk portions to last the week on a sunday? You can also not pick up after him and eventually he will get to it

StrikeAlways · 26/02/2025 02:01

His idea that he should pay only 50% of everything, despite earning more than you will result in a shock for him when he discovers that, due to the discrepancy in your incomes, the law will require him to pay maintenance first the children.

Breaking up a marriage is hard emotionally and just to get our heads around, even when we know it’s the right thing. I hope you have friends and, or family to support you through the difficult bits. You’ll be fine on the other side though. 💐

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 26/02/2025 02:39

Makes me feel objectified and guilty if i say no to sex.

This on its own is enough to justify leaving.

Think of how relaxed you will feel once you have ditched the sex pest man-child and aren't resenting him for treating you like a bangmaid.

Focus on that future feeling and use it to motivate you through all the legal shite.

He's going to love having 50:50 custody...

beachcitygirl · 26/02/2025 03:45

Darling with kindness
4options.

Take off for a week (without your kids and leave him to do everything) this will be hard as fuck. But women are not born knowing how to childcare and clean & cook. Arseholes who can run multi million dollar industries can suddenly not know where laundry tablets live.
Literally fuck off for a week and let him do it all. It's tough but works.

Leave him permanently- he doesn't respect you anyway.

Opt out of everything him & joint related ie laundry, cooking, mental load (ie his parents birthday cards etc) - look after number one - this is the hardest option because you'll feel inclined to cave, sleeping on dirty sheets or ignoring dirty dishes is hard.

ONLY do personal and kid related bare minimum.
When there is no food and no clean pants and a filthy house - he'll get it & you can talk seriously. He won't until then so see other options.

RickiRaccoon · 26/02/2025 03:56

You're definitely in the right. DH and I pool finances but, if we didn't, it would make sense that the higher earner pay for more of the extras. Why would anyone want to have more money to spend on themselves when their supposed partner has less? You're meant to be sharing a life. I also can't believe just electing not to help out around your own house with own your kids. So selfish and lazy and disrespectful to you. It does sound like you'd be better without him.

Topsyturvy78 · 26/02/2025 04:40

heartbrokenlost · 26/02/2025 00:01

i guess it feels pointless stopping doing 'his' stuff when i still need to do it for the household/kids - things like hoovering, mopping, changing beds, cleaning the toilets etc. stuff that is 'no ones'

Don't do it if you don't he will have no choice but to do it himself. He's a man child.

Angelou79 · 26/02/2025 05:22

You deserve more. End of….,

lifesrichpageant · 26/02/2025 05:23

OP my heart goes out to you. Listen to your inner wisdom that says "this isn't okay". Because it really isn't. The bit about snapping at your 5 year old made me sad. It will only get worse as the children become older and more challenging. The demanding sex part sounds like a massive turn-off, and objectifying as hell. Does he not SEE you? As in, how much you are struggling to keep it together? Clearly not. If I were you I would start the process of leaving - as you are doing all of the work anyway, so cutting him loose would at least give you one less thing to worry about (the giant man-baby who is making everything in your life more difficult).

DeepRoseFish · 26/02/2025 05:29

Typical vile misogynist who treats you as an appliance.

Get rid asap. Get as much money from him as possible for you and your kids future.

pilates · 26/02/2025 05:41

I think you have turned the point of no return. Just noticed you aren’t married and so you need some legal advice too. How anyone who is supposed to love you can treat you with such contempt is beyond me. Good luck and the famous MN saying ‘get your ducks in a row’.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2025 05:45

LurkyMcLurkinson · 25/02/2025 23:27

It sounds like he is displaying some abusive behaviours in regard to the using privilege section of this wheel. You know deep down this isn’t right, he’s just skewed your perception of reality because it benefits him for you to doubt yourself, so he can keep his compliant partner who does as she’s told and makes his life easier.

Agreed. Not just the privilege section. Also emotional abuse and coercive control as he’s trying to force you to have sex with him. It’s disgusting op. Please find the strength to ensure this is the end this with him. He is destroying you one word and action at a time. You and your dcs really do deserve better than this.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 26/02/2025 05:52

heartbrokenlost · 25/02/2025 22:57

We're in this situation where I'm just expected to do everything around the house (started when I picked up more with maternity leave etc) and it's just become an expctation that he won't ever change. I can't spend the next 50 or however many years I have left picking up after this man.

Good for you. You’re not being valued. I couldn’t and wouldn’t put up with those things either. The way he speaks to the kids would be the most important of the things you mentioned. He’ll soon see how much you have been doing when you’re in your own space and he’s having to pick up after himself. I think you’ll be much happier.well done for demanding better for yourself and the kids. You can do it!

TeacupsAndCakes · 26/02/2025 05:55

heartbrokenlost · 25/02/2025 22:44

Just had a big argument with DP. We just cannot see eye to eye on our relationship at all. We have 2 kids and I'm just so lost as to what to do next. In my heart I know we're not right for eachother and I could be happier elsewhere but I am so scared of the implications/finances etc of splitting.

I need to try and sleep and see if we can talk calmly in the morning but honestly I think this is it.

Ah I'm sorry heartbrokenlost, sending you a big hug. Any chance you could try marriage counselling first before splitting? I had a friend in a similar position who tried this and said it was life changing. They are now in a really good place. I think relationships can massively suffer after kids and often you don't agree on things, lack intimacy etc and it changes alot of things. But if you said you were both happy people before who were in a great place then maybe you could get that back with a bit of help? Just an idea as I know it also costs money. Good luck.

TeacupsAndCakes · 26/02/2025 05:56

TeacupsAndCakes · 26/02/2025 05:55

Ah I'm sorry heartbrokenlost, sending you a big hug. Any chance you could try marriage counselling first before splitting? I had a friend in a similar position who tried this and said it was life changing. They are now in a really good place. I think relationships can massively suffer after kids and often you don't agree on things, lack intimacy etc and it changes alot of things. But if you said you were both happy people before who were in a great place then maybe you could get that back with a bit of help? Just an idea as I know it also costs money. Good luck.

Show quote history

Sorry just realised others have put this too!!

Blantyre23 · 26/02/2025 06:00

Azandme · 26/02/2025 00:05

It won't feel pointless when he has no clean pants.

You aren't his mum, if he won't share the load, then at least make him take his own load.

He sounds vile.

I agree! See how long he holds out living the single life without a maid.

DorothyStorm · 26/02/2025 06:02

Azandme · 26/02/2025 00:05

It won't feel pointless when he has no clean pants.

You aren't his mum, if he won't share the load, then at least make him take his own load.

He sounds vile.

This. Dont do anything for him. Washing or cooking and certainly not sex.You should never feel coerced into sex.

the transactional sex, the thinking he is above housework all shows a massive disrespect for you. Probably for women. You are not crazy

Original poster
heartbrokenlost · 26/02/2025 06:21

ForZanyAquaViewer · 26/02/2025 00:19

Household - I do 95% of kids/house (I don't think this is fair as we both work full time). Said I'd happily do 50/50 finances if he picked up 50% of the house/kids - he said he absolutely will not.

What’s his justification for this? He says he wants to go 50/50 on bills, you say you will if he does half the housework (which he should already be doing) and he says…what?

He says he won’t do it. He ‘could pay someone to come everyday and do it’

OP posts: