I’m sorry @heartbrokenlost, I had one of these too. Not the finance. We didn’t argue about that really. Though he did seem to think household items like nice cutlery or new towels should be paid for by me as he said we didn’t need them (and then took them all when we split up saying he’d paid half, which he categorically had not!). Anyway I digress. Yes I had one of these. I think you’re very good to do the sex 2-3 times a week. I could barely manage it once a fortnight. But he told me the minimum he would expect is once per week and I should absolutely prioritise it. However like you, although I worked full time, I also did 90% of everything else that needed doing. All the washing and folding, the weekly shop (ordered online). On rare occasions I had to go into work at short notice and it arrived when he was wfh and I wasn’t, he would put a bag (not even take the items out of the bag. Just the whole bag) of fridge stuff straight in the fridge and leave everything else out for me when I got home. So I would come home having also picked up the kids from school to be greeted by bags of shopping which were apparently mine to deal with. When I would protest he would shrug and say I shouldn’t organise deliveries for when I’m not here and he is (why??? Because the family food shop is my job in his mind!). He went to the gym before work and again after work. I of course was dealing with the children. He would come home from the gym, and I would be bathing the children having cooked for and fed them. I’d ask him to please finish up tidying the kitchen (I’m not very messy so it’s just put a few things in the dishwasher and wipe down the table etc). He would refuse and again shrug and say it wasn’t his mess! (Again, feeding children is the woman’s job obviously!) He would rather shove down the rubbish in the bin than empty it such that the bin (it was one of those that pulled out as you opened a cupboard) actually broke. And guess who fixed that???. If I asked him to empty the bin, he say no, he did it last time (but I would have done it the 40 times before that!).
Basically his whole life was devoted to finding ways not to have to do anything. Of course it was unreasonable!!!! And he knew that. But he was so good at arguing and manipulating. When I questioned whether going to the gym twice a day was reasonable given we had two young children to deal with and get to school/pick up, he said it didn’t count as leisure as he didn’t enjoy it! 😳 Then when I balked at this ridiculous argument, he just found a new one: it was to keep him healthy. Didn’t I want him to be healthy? He actually asked me “do you want me to die young??!”. When I questioned why I did so much housework while he sat down or was in the gym, he would say his job was harder or that he was a good dad or I didn’t give him enough sex….. Basically just avoiding the topic by giving an answer which didn’t address my complaint at all.
I knew I would have to leave him. I knew that there was nothing I could say or do that would change him. The behaviours were too entrenched he’d. We’d been together more than 20 years and I should have left him years before. I stuck around because I was scared about breaking the family up and worried about money and I couldn’t envisage not being with him as we’d been together so long.
But I did leave in the end. Actually I had an affair! (He was also playing away by that point and I honestly didn’t care!). I don’t think we had much respect left for each other. It was nice that someone else thought I was a worthwhile human being. Obviously I’m not recommending you do that! (It wasn’t the cleanest exit from a relationship and I could write a book about what happened next!). But it did actually give me some confidence and strength to stand up and say this is enough! I left.
He did have the “decency” to admit that perhaps he had been a bit lazy (gee, you don’t say!!) but of course downplayed it by saying I was horrible to him and bullied him etc (forgetting all the horrible manipulation tactics he used on me and the nasty verbal abuse he gave me when I protested strongly about his behaviour. Apparently I was toxic!) So of course he gets to still be “a good man if a bit lazy” and that’s the narrative he’s going with. Fine. Whatever.
And you know what, we are both happier. And actually fairly good mates. We co parent excellently. The kids are fine. He is an improved human being, as I always knew he would be if he were with a new woman. Because he would have to be!
You could try counselling. Maybe it’s worth a last ditch attempt. I’d checked out by then. 20 years of someone being a manchild will clamp your Fanny shut and there ain’t no amount of talking that was gonna reverse that! Besides he is such a clever manipulator that he would have made me look unreasonable. I often said he should have been a politician because of how he evaded answers and manipulates situations to get what he wants.
But if you decide you’ve had enough, and god knows no one would blame you because he genuinely sounds utterly awful, then I can assure you it will be fine. You don’t need all the answers now. You’ll work it out as you go along. Which is scary, yes. The unknown and not having a plan is pretty terrifying. But, all the hard bits will pass. And you will be OK. Plus you’ll have ditched your manchild. You can either enjoy being independent of someone who brings you down or you might find someone new who values your efforts and doesn’t treat you like a sex doll!
Good luck, my friend, whatever you decide! Xx