Handhold needed - think we're over

[heartbrokenlost]

Just had a big argument with DP. We just cannot see eye to eye on our relationship at all. We have 2 kids and I'm just so lost as to what to do next. In my heart I know we're not right for eachother and I could be happier elsewhere but I am so scared of the implications/finances etc of splitting.

I need to try and sleep and see if we can talk calmly in the morning but honestly I think this is it.

@CountryTunes we have a cleaner once a week. Doesn’t really touch the sides with the daily stuff that needs doing though - even with a cleaner still probably an hour of cleaning and tidying etc to do a day

This is where I’m so confused. He really uses this against me to a point I genuinely wonder if I’m wrong?

I just don’t have the energy for sex daily. Great example is what caused the argument last night:

I have a big presentation at work this week. I’m struggling to get it done, along with housework etc. I finished work earlier than him to pick up kids. He’s still in his office (at home we’re both remote) until around 645. He doesn’t have to be - he chooses to no calls or anything. I finished at 5, got the kids from after school club, made dinner, did a super quick tidy, got the kids in bed (he semi helps with bed time but actually makes it worse as he stands around on his phone in a strop). Once they’re asleep it’s gone half 8 and I get my laptop back out to continue working. I’m head down in this presentation when he ‘demands’ sex and then gets the huff when I don’t jump on top of him. I say demands because if he wants sex I can’t say no without either an argument or a guilt trip and a rubbish evening.

I’m guessing he could but didn’t want to…

There is nothing to be lost in hiring a cleaner - paying 40/60.
Try also serving up frozen ready meals, or meals delivered to your door in boxes for dinner.
Washing and childcare: You do the family washing and ask DH to please bring in his laundry and fold it. Leave his out there hanging on the line.
You go out doing errands without the kids on the weekends.
Communicate that he has care of the children.
Ask DH to plan a family half day every Sunday. Be surprised at outings he has engineered.
You need drastic change or you need to consider yor future with this selfish man.

There’s so much wrong with everything you’ve said here. He’s not your partner. He’s a terrible father to your kids and setting them a terrible example. You deserve much better. The financial split / housework split is not acceptable as you know.. he doesn’t respect you. Take steps to get to a better place without him. Lots of luck to you x

This is the most unkind and horrible reaction (from him) that i read in a while! Most of these misogynistic, sexist pieces of shit would at least pretend they want to help (and maybe do so for a week), but at least he is showing you exactly who is without leaving you any shadow of a doubt. I know it's scary to do and easy to say, but I wouldn't be able to see a way through this and I would leave. He is horrible to you, don't value or respect you and he is actively hurting you physically (by letting you exhaust yourself) and emotionally. And that's without mentioning the guilt tripping you into sex (coercive af).
You are not going crazy, he is a true piece of shit.

This isn’t about sex or chores or money. It’s about basic respect. He doesn’t respect you or appreciate all that you do and it sounds like he doesn’t really care. Not sure that’s fixable and it sounds an exhausting way to live. This is your life. Also what message does this send to your children about how relationships work?

I was in a not dissimilar position in that my xH left me to do everything (he did work longer hours than me but never helped at all even when he was there), was totally detached from the 3dc and would take himself off at every opportunity. Plus he sulked about sex (and gave me silent treatment when I'd done something to upset him when I didn't even know what I'd done but he wouldn't tell me).

The divorce process wasn't very nice but we are through it now and life is so much better!!

Yes it's just me and the dc and I have to work and do everything BUT there's no expectation of help, I know where I am and it feels so much easier.

I also get alternate weekends to myself which is amazing.

And I have choice and control.

I don't have to live with his presence casting a shadow over us, and best of all don't have to have sex with him, or sleep next to him!

100% would recommend.

Trouble is that when these blokes leave you to do everything by yourself you realise you don't need them and would be better off without them.

This. He sounds awful. I divorced for less than this and am loads happier- you will genuinely feel like a new woman in a year if you make the hard decision now. Keep these posts somewhere (your own) to remind you.

He sounds like my awful ex. I remember having to choose between sex I didn’t want to have or a massive guilt trip every single night. And being expected to do everything and constantly diminished.

His behaviour is abusive and horrible. Please get legal advice and then leave him. Trust me, you will be so much happier without him and your kids won’t grow up thinking this is how a normal relationship works.

Id be very vocal here. Say the actual words. I do not want to have sex. You forcing me to have sex is rape.

He’d still be stroppy and act hard done by. ‘It’s shit you don’t fancy me’. Cannot get his head around it’s not about fancying him but more exhaustion and overwhelm

Slept terribly and have woke up thinking I should try and appease him and fix it. What is wrong with me 😣I know I absolutely deserve better. I suppose it feels easier to stay. Need to stay strong.

I was in this situation and left. Looked back and realised I was doing it all. Life is calmer and less stressful now. Sometimes it’s lonely and tough as he’s shit at shared parenting. Could you try therapy to get your head round it all?

@Nellsbell i think I need therapy tbh. I have such a small support network I’d essentially be doing it alone which feels daunting.

my mum died a few years ago and I’ve often thought if she was still here I’d have left already. Just that extra support would have given me the courage I think.

You're not in a relationship, you're in a dictatorship. He dictates everything for you to do.
Run, and run even more. It's not going to get any better. It will be tough at first, but so much easier than you think (been there done it).

OP, this catalogue is very bad.

financially, he earns more than you and even with proportional contributions he will still have more money leftover than you and he doesn’t think this is fair.

household, he thinks he doesn’t have to contribute despite expecting you to be 50/50 on the bills. Why does he think he doesn’t have to do anything in the house he lives in?

and he expects daily sex with the above in the mix? He’s deluded.

you are not crazy. He is completely off the charts crazy if he expects all of the above and for you to be happy about it.

if you leave him, he will be paying 100% of the bills for the household, doing 100% of the work for the household, parenting his kids a hell of a lot more than he does now and definitely won’t he getting daily sex without paying for it.

maybe if you explain it in those terms he will understand it. /sarcasm, of course he won’t understand.

whereas for you, ok your household costs will increase which is unfortunate but despite doing 100% of the household stuff it will be less than you are doing now as 25% of the laundry, washing up and mess will disappear. You will actually get some time to yourself when the kids are with him. And you won’t be expected to have sex when it doesn’t suit you.

sounds like a no brainer really. Yes it will be hard but it will be worth it.

Look after the house, yourself, the kids. Let him sort his own clothes, shop for the food you and the kids like. And the sex only when you want it, no matter how much he moans. Though frankly with an attitude like his my vagina would have clamped shut ages ago…

it’s not pointless. It’s making a point with your actions - when your attempt with words has been so horribly disregarded.

he is a bully and I’d work up to ditching this piece of shit.

Honey if your children were telling you this was how their relationship was, what would your advise be?

I was in this circumstance. I left but it was hard and I felt dreadfully guilty. However. I am soooooo happy now. By all means try counselling but also wind your head forward 30_40 years when the kids have left home. Do you really want to be in a relationship with this man?

‚‘It is shit you dont respect me. I can never fancy someone who has no respect for me. I could never fancy someone who wants to force himself on me.‘

Yeah this is a no brainer. He has no respect for you as a person in and of yourself at all. Doesn't think you fancy him? Well, you'd fancy him more/still if he had the first clue what you're doing and what it's like, or one ounce of the most basic respect for you, really.. you'll be far better off without him.

Yes it’s easier to stay.
But in 10 years time you’ll look back and wonder why you wasted precious years of your life on him. Trust me, I know.
If you have a DD, what would you say to her in your situation?

You are being abused @heartbrokenlost that's why you feel the way you do.

He financially abuses you and then uses that against you.
You are an unpaid housemaid and an unpaid sex slave too.

Get your thoughts together. Speak to a lawyer. Gather all the info you can about his work , employer/clients, earnings, pension and savings. Gather all the financial info about mortgage joint savings and debts.

He should move out but I suspect that would be difficult so find some housing for you and the kids and leave.

In the meantime, if you have to do everything for the kids and you, tell him he needs to be self sufficient. Stop doing his washing. Tell him you're doing that. Stop making him food. Tell him you're doing it. Move into another room in the house and look after that room but not his bedroom.

Good luck. Life is too short to be abused by someone who allegedly loves you.

Men who think women should contribute 50:50 financially to the marriage and also pick up 100% of the childcare and domestic chores while still also being happy to have sex on demand (often) are still horrifyingly frequent.

I ignored the voice inside that told me things weren't right. It took me 20 years to leave. We also had issues with sex. I didn't want it at all and eventually just forced myself to do it, just to keep the peace. I wish I'd have left earlier. I'm not saying don't fight for the relationship if you think there's a chance you can both make changes and be happy. But for me I knew in my heart there was no chance.
I'm happier now that I only have to worry about the kids' needs, and not a third man child x