Handhold needed - think we're over

[heartbrokenlost]

Just had a big argument with DP. We just cannot see eye to eye on our relationship at all. We have 2 kids and I'm just so lost as to what to do next. In my heart I know we're not right for eachother and I could be happier elsewhere but I am so scared of the implications/finances etc of splitting.

I need to try and sleep and see if we can talk calmly in the morning but honestly I think this is it.

I can’t recall the saying, but it went along the lines of:

‘The biggest sexual turn on to a woman is seeing a man washing up’

The lack of domestic engagement after 20+ years was certainly a huge factor in my marriage break up.

There comes a point when you have to face the truth. He will never change so you have 2 choices, put up with him or separate. other than financially you are already a single parent, he will have to pay for his children so don't stay because of money. As for sex, he really couldn't give a stuff how tired and unsupported you feel he s all about him. He has shown you who he is. It won't get better but it will get much much worse. It really is time to leave, grieve and spend time without a man to let yourself heal.

@ERthree thank you. I do fear I’m going to have a battle on my hands around child maintenance and he will try and get out of paying it.

Please stop doing everything.

Absolutely no sex
None of his washing
Do not pick up after him
No food for him - he can get his own
No cleaning his spaces
No shopping for him
Do the bare minimum you can get away with for you and the kids

Make plans to leave him.

Leave and live happily ever after without this 'prince'.

Meant kindly but first you have to stop worrying about the detail of this sort of thing. This is his narrative and he is WRONG.

Second. Take some time in the quiet to try and stop allowing him to cast you in the light of someone that is taking advantage of him when it is clearly the other way around.

Third. If your gut is telling you to go, for heavens sake go and, as I mentioned above, stop worrying about the detail at this stage. Get legal advice ASAP as you will have knowledge then and feel less stressed.

The detail is worked out by the lawyers and the courts if necessary. You can stop trying to think of everything (as you have been used to doing). That's what you pay $$$ for. They take that burden. You just provide documents and signatures and let it roll along.

If he's like this now, he will always be like this. Don't waste another minute trying to get him to be decent. It's like nailing jelly to the ceiling.

I couldn’t not post. To me it sounds like he is bullying you. You have tried to speak to him about it and he refuses to engage or hear you. This means that there is only one option here. I know it will be hard but you deserve more. Also I think the kids will pick up on the bullying dynamic and you don’t want that to be normalised for them. He has made choices on how he behaves and you can make choices too. Good luck.

Oh my god, this was my life. Not so much the finances (husband was too lazy to care about finances. Everything went in one pot and I sorted it and he knew nothing about it). Household/children stuff I did everything because he refused to do anything. He wanted sex every day too - was awful. Got to the stage where I was exhausted (worked full time too) and dreaded going to bed. In fact, sometimes I'd have sex with him knowing that that would give me a bit of a break with him trying to have sex with me for a bit. I tried to get him to do house stuff but it always turned into an argument so I would just do it. But over the years resentment grew and I ended up hating him. 2.5 years ago I had enough. I secretly saved money, rented a house for me and my children and dog and left one day. Left with nothing because he refused to let me take anything, but it's so so nice not being someone's servant or sex worker. I couldn't be happier. I'm a really happy laid back person and before I got married I was confident and outgoing. I can't believe I let a man treat me like that for all those years. And the fact that I don't have him pestering me for sex and groping me is still such a relief. He refuses to sell our house to keep me poor but I'd rather be the poorest person on earth than still be living like that.
OP, don't waste years like I did. He won't change. Don't be someone's maid. You'll resent him more and more as time goes on and you get more and more exhausted while he swans around relaxing. Fuck him. He knows exactly what he's doing and how exhausting it is for you but he just doesn't care. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Good luck x

I really feel for you.

You aren’t going crazy. He’s an entitled shit.

Get legal advice and gather all the financial info you can. Savings, pensions, shares, etc.

Thank you. And well done for leaving I am so happy for you 💖

Just before Christmas I actually overhauled my finances and so think I would be okay. I have enough in emergency fund for a deposit to rent somewhere whilst we waited to sell the house/him buy me out (he wouldn’t get a mortgage atm as he messed up his credit rating through laziness and not setting up direct debits for some of his bills so not sure he’d even want to sell it so that could be a battle on its own).

I would probably need a couple more months to save for some furniture - I don’t know what he’d let me take. There’s a great second hand shop near us so I’d probably look to get bits from there and Facebook to save money.

if he demanded 50/50 custody I could scrape by without maintenance as long as he covered half the costs - swimming, wrap around, clothing etc.

I think I’d get UC too - not much as I’m not a ‘low earner’ but enough it would help make things a little less tight.

Theres not much comes up for rent where I am (I’m not in a rush tbh I’d rather we live in separate rooms to give me a bit more time financially) - a little 2 bed flat or something would be fine for the immediate future though the kids could share a room for a while whilst we figured it out.

Why do you think that @heartbrokenlost ?
Best thing to do is to see a good solicitor and get advice.
I went through a divorce after 25 years and had to make a decision between therapy and solicitor advice, I parked therapy and focused on getting really good legal advice through the divorce process. Right decision for me as I had the financial outcome I wanted.
Besides the legal side of things, I didn't think I was in an abusive relationship. the last 12 month opened my eyes and whilst the separation was so very hard in the beginning, I now have SO much more energy and calm in my life. turns out if you don't have to pander to a man who behaves like a teenager, you feel rather content with yourself. your career will also benefit as you will have more headspace for it.

Honestly op, this is awful and I feel awful for you.
Start making a clear plan to leave in the immediate future. And in the meantime, the next time he “demands” sex? Look him in the eye and say “I have absolutely no desire to have sex with you. So I will not be doing it. It is not happening. Until you start contributing equally to this relationship by doing x, y & z, I will not have sex with you”. Rinse and repeat, no further discussion, do not let him drag you into an argument. Cool, calm and cold as ice.
Hold your line op, he is an unreasonable, abusive twat and you do not have to put up with this. What is the worst that can happen? He fucks off and finds someone else to shag him at will and you are left as a single parent? You are doing that now! But you have the added nightmare of him being a twat. You can do this op, protect your peace and get rid of him.

He said last night he wants the kids 50/50. He doesn’t and would struggle - I do not think he said this because he actually wants the kids 50/50.

Well if he's willing to pay for a cleaner let him. Doesn't mean you can't still leave when you're ready.

I’ve seen umpteen men say this and it hasn’t happened. Men like him need a compliant woman/domestic appliance/sex toy. He will bugger off and find someone else to perform this role for him (men like this are incapable of living alone) and having the dc, other than for occasional performance parenting, gets in the way.

Does he bollocks want the kids 50:50. Just nod and say that can be negotiated. You'll be lucky if he has them 2 days per fortnight.

Hey OP, I'm pretty late to the thread here but I didn't want to not pop my own experience down, as a form of hope.

I married at 23, and had a baby at 24. He left me on my 26th birthday because of the reasons you've indicated in your post. Both working full time but he earned marginally more which therefore meant he was better than me, finances split 50/50 with me doing 100% of the child rearing, housework, life admin and so on. Was constantly chatting up women online and complaining about his wife's lack of interest in sex (do we wonder why??). It was awful, but he left me, and made me feel like I was a failure.

We were renting which I took over and he moved into his parents, I had to claim universal credit just to cover the bills, he only saw DD twice a month despite living on the other side of the street. I felt like an absolute failure, like I'd never find my feet again. I was left with around £15k of exDH's debt that he'd taken out in my name.

Over the last few years, I've found my feet, I have a new job that pays well and I absolutely adore it, I've bought myself a nice car to get me and DD around, we've been on a tonne of holidays UK and abroad, and now we joint own a house with DP, who DD absolutely adores.

We split finances proportionately as DP is a high earner, we split household chores, life admin and parenting equally, and we have a cleaner which allows us to make the most of weekends as a family.

I'm incredibly content with my life, ex's debt is paid off, life stresses are minimal and I'm happier than I've ever been.

Moral of the story - it's scary as fuck now. But I absolutely promise you that you will be better off without him, you will find your feet, you and your DC will live a wonderful life together. Things always get better, stay positive and know that better days are coming ❤️

but isn't the threat of 50/50 childcare the oldest threat in the book?

i read this so often here on mn, they never end up doing 50/50.

and even if he did 50/50, it would give you time and space to further your career and earning potential in return.

he is covertly controlling and gaslighting you, minimising your voice and needs. he is abusing you. do you think a human can endure this without damage to the nervous system? you cant.

This genuinely made me tear up. I am so happy for you. It resonates too - he actually had 7k of debt in my name which thankfully I finally got him to clear last month. The other joint debt is the car but I’m nearly at a point I could give the car back and walk away and then just get myself a little run around for me and the kids.

I can’t even imagine being with someone who does the housework - is that crazy? I went out with my friend at the weekend with the kids and when back to hers for coffee. We got back and her husband had cleaned the house top to bottom. I was in my head thinking wow DP would NEVER do this. It hit home.

Just smile and nod through his 50/50 demands. He will never follow through with this, he can't comprehend what it would be like to parent 50% of the time. See a solicitor ASAP re financials and the house.

i do feel in a constant state of ‘overwhelm’ for lack of a better explanation. On edge constantly. It has a knock on effect.

OP

Ah that old chestnut 50/50. He has only said that now in an attempt to avoid child maintenance payments. That should also show you what he really thinks about his children. He'd end up farming them out to his mother.

re part of your comment from yesterday
"Said I'd happily do 50/50 finances if he picked up 50% of the house/kids - he said he absolutely will not".

What a man child.

Use this time wisely to seek legal advice and from that firm up plans to leave him.

@heartbrokenlost sorry, can't seem to answer your answer to me specifically. Just to let you know, I get UC and work full time. I don't get loads obviously, but it helps. I also got most of my furniture from a lovely second hand shop. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't go for 50/50. A man that doesn't pull his weight in the house at all I can bet is not going to want to do all the work involved with being a parent for 50% of his time.
You sound lovely and I truly wish you the best x

@heartbrokenlost this:
"i do feel in a constant state of ‘overwhelm’ for lack of a better explanation. On edge constantly. It has a knock on effect."

is exactly what I'm talking about. I felt like this. I had no idea he was constantly gaslighting me. i was the frog in the boiled frog analogy. I was SO exhausted all the time. no GP could explain the severe fatigue I suffered with. guess what, I'm fine now and have more energy and headspace than I can remember ever having. my home is calm.

So sorry to read this story OP. But you will get through it. Like tearing off a plaster, just do it and switch on the business head. Get legal advice and start getting things organised. Once the decision is made you will feel this huge weight off your shoulders and can look forward to the future. The children will be better off seeing a happy mum. Good luck!

Please take some time to consider why you accept being treated as a lesser person by the person who is supposed to care for you the most?
He is telling you loud and clear that he’s too good for all the tasks that you are good enough for. His mindset will never change, because it is so beneficial to him. That means that only you can change your willingness to be treated like you are worth less than him.
I'm not sure how you can bear to be in the same house as someone who sees you like this… then still thinks you should want to have sex with him.
Drop the rope- no more sex, no more chores for him. Leave as many normal household chores as you can as well and make serious plans to leave.
He will never change as this is his deeply engrained misogynist view of women as only good enough for chores and sex (with the added bonus of modern misogyny expecting you to work full time too).
Im absolutely furious on your behalf- find your anger.
ps many men (including mine) do at least half of all chores without asking.