Feeling like a married single mother, DH lives a separate life to us

[Clementine2377]

I’ll try not to make this too long,

Been with DH 12 years, married 8, 2DDs ages 6 and 2. He works full time and I work 25 hours a week.

my DH works 6:30-2:30 Monday to Friday and I’ve noticed more and more how he has become completely seperate to us, always finding jobs to do and sneaking off away from us elsewhere in the house.

A Usual afternoon is me and DDs arriving back from nursery/school pick up at 3:30, he’s back from work and gets ready to go out to the gym, meanwhile I entertain DDs and prepare evening meal. DH will get home, have a reallllyyyy long shower, get dressed into loungewear (and in doing so will stay in our bedroom for about half and hour) by this time I’m plating up tea for me and the kids.

DH will come down and make his own meal, he says this is because he likes to make healthy meal plans and thinks the meals he has are things the kids wouldn’t like. So me and the kids will eat at the table and he will go sit on the sofa in the lounge and eat his meal.

after this he will go to the toilet for about 30 mins (takes his phone) meanwhile I’m washing the dishes and getting the kids ready for their bath/reading eldest DDs book etc.

if we are downstairs in the lounge he will lay on the sofa and start to drift off. He half asses bedtime with me (basically reads a very short story to youngest DD and lays next to her for 10 mins. Then goes off to bed himself.

after this I’ve got the rest of the housework/school and nursery pack ups, washing clothes etc to do and by the time everything is done I’m exhausted.

i feel like im a single parent (although i know it’s obviously MUCH harder to actually be a single parent) but it’s as though we are completely seperate units.

Ive spoken to him about it a few times now and he just says that he has to do things for himself because he’s working most of the day and only gets a very short amount of time to do things like shower and meal prep etc.
Ive tried telling him that im exhausted and he will just tell me to “go and see your friends one night this week” however DD6 tells me that “all daddy does is go on his phone and put TV on, he doesn’t ever take us out” he will usually get a takeaway pizza for them too, so I can’t feel relaxed on my very rare “breaks” as I’m feeling guilty for leaving DDs with a father who isn’t interested in spending time with them. Plus when I get back, the house will be absolutely chaotic and none of it will be cleaned up by him.

to be honest I’ve been living this way for so long now that I think it would actually be easier to be properly by myself. We would struggle financially, but mentally I’m breaking with the total selfishness of the situation.

Right now he’s gone off to watch tv in bed whilst I’m going to wash DDs dance uniform for tomorrow, go to Asda to get DD2 soya milk for nursery, clean the house as the kids have made a mess, iron my work shirts and put away the things clothes I’ve already washed and dried.

im sorry this is so long, I think I’ve reached my breaking point tonight and I needed to vent my frustration.

I did find it easier when my ex left, as at least I wasn’t having to deal with his mess (he never helped in any way). And there was less resentment at one person getting to take it easy while the other is left to do it all.

Could you up your hours at work enough to afford to live alone? Bearing in mind that divorce is very tough and there will be hard times ahead if you go down that path.

Why does he need a long shower when he comes home from the gym? Isn't it normal to shower at the gym after your workout before you come home? Are sure he is actually going to the gym?
It really sounds as though he has checked out of family life.
And yes it sounds as though you might as well be single.

This is so sad and I feel sorry for you. He seems to have checked out.

.

As per a PP, it really isn’t harder being an actual single mum as if your ex takes them even one full weekend a fortnight you feel like you’re getting a huge break, and it also turns out resentment is extremely emotionally weighty.

i could have written your post half a decade ago and god I am so much happier now that I have ditched the dead weight.

It's actually easier alone because you're not carrying the resentment and you can organise things all around you and your needs. If you split, how much would he want to see the kids? Was he always selfish?

How has this been allowed to happen?!

I'm glad you've reached your breaking point, it should have happened a long time ago.

Get rid of him.

What do weekends look like?

Tell him he’s away from his kids half the day- how can he finish work so early and see them so little? I suppose this comes down to if you’ve lost respect for him, how you are as a couple- do ye get out together? Do you sit down together at night? Do you love him? (Or hate him now?)

He sounds absolutely awful. He’s not even working many more hours than you what a joke! Just another lazy selfish man, it’s a terrible example for your little girls. Can you not show him this thread which will inevitably fill up with women whose husbands are actually people they can love and respect as they realise that a home and a family are equally their responsibility.
I’ve been a SAHM for five years and my husband has a very demanding job and he still has lunch with our kids every day, plays with them while I make dinner and then goes and does a couple of washloads/all the washing up and a quick tidy before he exercises, this is a real man, your husband is pathetic

Easy for others to say but I would have to get rid. The resentment will only grow and you are already doing all of this alone.
He's working 6.30-2.30 and he hasn't got any time to spend with you and DDs? Most people work until 5-6pm and don't behave this way.
He's missing out but it seems he likes it the way it is because it's an easy life for him.

Before you press the eject button I would advise a conversation with DH and I would suggest being very explicit about what you'd like him to pickup - e.g.

I need you to pick up two evenings where you collect DDs from nursery and cook dinner. Can you do Tuesday and Thursday and I'll do Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

Or if the eating separately is a problem tell him you'd like to eat as a family 3 times a week and are happy to compromise so he can cook his preferred meals for everyone twice a week and once a week you'll all eat a takeaway.

Also what does he do if you say DD2 needs soy milk can you pop out and get it DH whilst I tidy the kitchen?

How are your working hours spread out? Presumably there are three or four days when you're both working similar hours and the evening work should be split?

This weekend just gone he said he had a bad stomach so was in bed for a lot of the day on Saturday. Sunday he goes to visit his dad for a few hours, then he did a food shop for his “meal plan”, then spent ages in the kitchen making his weeks lunches for work. Meanwhile I’m trying to entertain two active children with a limited budget

If we were to split I don’t think he would have them very often, maybe for a few hours on a Sunday or something.

Hes had depression for years now and uses this to excuse so much time working on himself (ie the gym and meal prep etc) as he says his mental health will spiral if he doesn’t look after himself

Youngest DD will be 3 in July and so will be doing more hours at the preschool attached to eldest DDs school. I actually work at the school itself so I should be able to pick up extra hours once she’s there more

This, I don’t understand why he’s not doing more pick ups and dinner for the kids when he finishes work at 2.30pm.

Surely he doesn’t go to the gym every night? That’s too much.

What's the excuse for spending a lot more quality time with his dad than his kids?

I hate him for you OP.

my husband has some similar traits but is more helpful than yours. He does use depression as a reason to have loads of time in bed (lie ins and naps) and get out of helping when he feels like it. He also won’t eat with me and the children as he says he doesn’t want the time he eats dictate to him. He also won’t eat what I cook often (it is healthy) as he says it’s not what he fancied and he admitted before that he doesn’t like what he’s eating to be controlled by other people so he likes the freedom to choose his own food. I offer to make his choice of food but he always says no he’s not hungry (I’m not a bad cook in fact quite good). He also uses the gym to carve out fuck loads of me time eg goes for 2.5 hours to gym

Wow, very similar to my DH, right down to saying he doesn’t want to be controlled.

its so sad though as the kids definitely notice, especially DD6. I never really know what to tell her when she asks why daddy is having something different for tea

Also to reply to another post, yes I agree that being properly alone would be easier in some ways. The resentment and frustration I feel eats away at me everyday, feels unhealthy to have these emotions 24/7

Yeah, sounds grim OP. Assuming you've had conversations about this before and nothing's changed then tell him you want out. What other choice do you have? Your daughters are very young and it won't be all that traumatic for them to have a change in living arrangements, do it now while you can.

its so sad though as the kids definitely notice, especially DD6. I never really know what to tell her when she asks why daddy is having something different for tea

why is it your responsibility to give her an answer? Direct her to her Dad. You are both parents but only one seems to parent…

id probably give him that one final chance. Mental health issues are often selfish, but this seems to be next level. You have all the resentment and he has checked out.

i can’t understand why he doesn’t go to the gym straight from work and have a shower there? Seems he intentionally wants to be away from the family.

@Clementine2377 When your DD asks why daddy is having something different, reply by suggesting she asks him. Let him explain his actions.

I think due to feeling guilt over his lack of parenting, you step up. But, it wouldn't hurt your DC to experience dad having them, his low engagement, takeaway tea once a week.

I'd also expect him to step up with family chores. He may need to be explicitly told what you need him to do.

I’m so sorry OP, it sounds like a really tough time and you are a warrior for managing everything you are doing.

I actually don’t think being a single parent would be that much harder than your current situation, as I assume you’re also doing most of the tidying up after your DH as well as the kids, plus if you were separate and sharing custody, you’d have some free time to spend on you (which it sounds like you currently don’t have any of). However, there is the obvious financial situation to weigh up as well as the general stress of divorce.

Before going down that route, I would echo another PP and advise to sit down with your DH (when kids are not present) and have a very clear conversation where you state that the current situation is not working, you are finding it stressful, and it’s building resentment. He needs to realise that whilst his downtime is important, it can’t always be at yours/the kids expense and there has to be some kind of balance. E.g. he goes to gym three times a week and is around to help with kids/spend time with them/spend time with you on the other afternoons/nights. If you spell it all out for him clearly and he chooses not to change, I don’t think there’s much of a future for your marriage I’m afraid.

You’ve hit the nail on the head with that, i definitely overcompensate for him being shit. I exhaust myself trying to make up for him.

when DD2 was born i spoke about how I needed more help with housework and if he could just commit to one “area” of the house. He said he can’t guarantee he will have the energy every night to tidy just ONE area of the house. If I reply by saying that I’m exhausted having no choice but to clean everywhere, he will just say my standards are too high, I need things to be too clean. I mean just things like washing to pots every night if they’ve had food in them, he’d have no problem with leaving leftover mince and spaghetti in DDs bowl for the whole day/night, whereas I think those things should be washed in the evenings.

feel embarrassed writing that to be honest, I sound like such an idiot for sticking around this long

Am so sorry your going through this. Am angry on your behalf. I just couldn't stay with a man like this I would kick him out. I bet you will be happier without his selfish behind holding you back

You are not an idiot OP! You are a caring lovely person. The only idiot is your selfish DH (soon ex I hope for you).