Feeling like a married single mother, DH lives a separate life to us

[Clementine2377]

I’ll try not to make this too long,

Been with DH 12 years, married 8, 2DDs ages 6 and 2. He works full time and I work 25 hours a week.

my DH works 6:30-2:30 Monday to Friday and I’ve noticed more and more how he has become completely seperate to us, always finding jobs to do and sneaking off away from us elsewhere in the house.

A Usual afternoon is me and DDs arriving back from nursery/school pick up at 3:30, he’s back from work and gets ready to go out to the gym, meanwhile I entertain DDs and prepare evening meal. DH will get home, have a reallllyyyy long shower, get dressed into loungewear (and in doing so will stay in our bedroom for about half and hour) by this time I’m plating up tea for me and the kids.

DH will come down and make his own meal, he says this is because he likes to make healthy meal plans and thinks the meals he has are things the kids wouldn’t like. So me and the kids will eat at the table and he will go sit on the sofa in the lounge and eat his meal.

after this he will go to the toilet for about 30 mins (takes his phone) meanwhile I’m washing the dishes and getting the kids ready for their bath/reading eldest DDs book etc.

if we are downstairs in the lounge he will lay on the sofa and start to drift off. He half asses bedtime with me (basically reads a very short story to youngest DD and lays next to her for 10 mins. Then goes off to bed himself.

after this I’ve got the rest of the housework/school and nursery pack ups, washing clothes etc to do and by the time everything is done I’m exhausted.

i feel like im a single parent (although i know it’s obviously MUCH harder to actually be a single parent) but it’s as though we are completely seperate units.

Ive spoken to him about it a few times now and he just says that he has to do things for himself because he’s working most of the day and only gets a very short amount of time to do things like shower and meal prep etc.
Ive tried telling him that im exhausted and he will just tell me to “go and see your friends one night this week” however DD6 tells me that “all daddy does is go on his phone and put TV on, he doesn’t ever take us out” he will usually get a takeaway pizza for them too, so I can’t feel relaxed on my very rare “breaks” as I’m feeling guilty for leaving DDs with a father who isn’t interested in spending time with them. Plus when I get back, the house will be absolutely chaotic and none of it will be cleaned up by him.

to be honest I’ve been living this way for so long now that I think it would actually be easier to be properly by myself. We would struggle financially, but mentally I’m breaking with the total selfishness of the situation.

Right now he’s gone off to watch tv in bed whilst I’m going to wash DDs dance uniform for tomorrow, go to Asda to get DD2 soya milk for nursery, clean the house as the kids have made a mess, iron my work shirts and put away the things clothes I’ve already washed and dried.

im sorry this is so long, I think I’ve reached my breaking point tonight and I needed to vent my frustration.

God just leave him now rather than putting the kids for years of living in a loveless miserable household and then just going ahead and doing it when they leave home because you realise you’re stuck just with him and can’t stand him.

What an utterly selfish man! Get rid of the dead weight and start living your life.

His approach sounds awful. So lazy. I am a single parent and I can’t think of much worse than having someone just living a parallel life. Have you laid out for him how this is affecting you??

I've been there, the resentment builds and builds. Divorced 6 years, it's been tough but the best and bravest thing I've ever done.

I think to be honest OP he simply doesn't like normal family life and so makes sure he avoids as much as he reasonably can - I think many men don't go a bundle on it and would rather just do their own thing - why they partner up and have kids I have no idea

The main thing holding me back to be honest is finances, I’d have to go on universal credit as my job alone wouldn’t be enough. I’ve heard bad things about it. If any of you have experiences with that side of things I’d love to hear it.

DH went on holiday with his brother in November for a week and even though I was alone with both kids the whole time, it felt surprisingly less stressful.

He sounds awful. Or just very depressed. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but this relationship isn't setting a good example for your children.

You need to have a long think about whether the relationship is salvageable.

What about starting by getting full time work?

I think probably these women post on here because they are lonely and they don't understand when they try their best, have lovely children, why their partners don't give a shit about them.

Don't feel bad for not noticing op, men like this are perpetual victims and they get together with women who are kind and decent and accommodating.
It's not your fault. It's lovely to be kind, decent & accommodating. But unfortunately a complete waste of time and energy with this man. He doesn't see it, he doesn't care, because he can only think about what suits him.

Of course he'd never leave you (unless I guess he found another women willing to sacrifice even more, and preferably without those pesky kids needing their daily 10mins of bedtime stories from him

Can you really imagine you going your own life carrying him on your back?
Yes being a single parent is hard, and expensive, but I doubt it could be worse, and you are opening yourself up to what life and the universe might put your way.
With him you're looking at such a lonely life.
Imagine if your DDs ended up with someone like him, because they thought that was what relationships were like having witnessed yours?
Think how heartbroken you would be for them, and think about what opportunities they would miss out on.

Op would probably be worse off paying the level of childcare to facilitate full time, plus she said she's upping her hours when the youngest turns 3 and will be in longer nursery

@Clementine2377 yeh I think your DH is the same person as mine. I have that too where every time I ask him if he can grab something like an item of clothing for DS, he asks where it is and i say its in the same place it's always been for the last 4 years. The only time I have a respite is if I go away but I feel so guilty because I don't trust DH to look after our own son - he can't be bothered to brush his teeth, or feed him proper food, or bath him. Just does the bare minimal required. He dips his toe into the parts of parenting he likes, picks and chooses and I'm doing virtually everything. I'm also like you OP, financially can't afford to leave but frantically trying to find a full time job so I can at some point leave. He's obsessed with his phone, just wastes so much time playing games on it or watching tiktok videos. He's more interested in that than engaging with our son.
The only advice I give in the interim is get some hired help, a cleaner even if it's once a month.

Because he's got a live in housekeeper.

Also he looks 'normal' to the outside world, and nobody would see what an empty vessel he actually is would be my guess.

I'm not surprised he's got depression, he doesn't want to connect with anything or anyone.

Why can’t he take eldest with him to visit his dad ? Why can’t he do the whole food shop?
id absolutely not stand for this at all! A serious and frank conversation needs to be had he seriously needs to step up or leave!

You have a limited budget to spend on entertaining the kids while he cooks whatever he fancies for himself and also probably spends a lot on the gym? How utterly selfish - I'm sorry but I agree he sounds like a total self absorbed prick. I'd hate him of were you and I don't think he will change. Sounds like he has mentally checked out of family life and your relationship. I hope you can make it work on your own x

Most people don't shower at the gym unless they're going before work or something.

Start calculating OP - get on 'entitled to ' - base it on your current job and housing situation - and don't forget any child maintenance he has to pay you - is on top of this. It's not counted-

It takes far more energy to exert himself regularly at the gym for 2.5 hours than it would for him to tidy one area of the house regularly for a fraction of the time he apends at the gym.

If he doesn't have the energy to do both he can cut out the gym as he chose to get married and have children and is therefore obligated to these choices that he made. This is not control, it's responsibility.

If he won't act like an equally contributing partner to his family, then he doesn't get to reap the benefits of having a wife/family.

I divorced mine. I was much happier once I lost the deadbeat.

When you stop making excuses from them, they become even more vile.

Bin him.
He's a selfish turd.

My exH started off an involved Dad but became like this (was indulged by his mum growing up). He admitted he didnt like parenting and it was more work than he thought and he resented the impact on his life and started to take up time consuming hobbies. I exhausted myself compensating but it was worth it for the relationship I have with dc now and it is easier not being able to see the person being lazy right in front of you and not having the arguments and resentment eating away at you. What I know now is how much it affects children's self esteem to have a disinterested parent. One of my dc would say they could see their Dad get bored when they visited and become irritable and impatient after only a few hours and it made them feel they weren't good enough. They stopped going for overnights - they just refused to go and exH wasnt bothered. He thinks he's a great Dad because he calls the dc regularly. He also invites the dc to family events, or events with his new partner and parades them around as though he is Dad of the year. This doesnt fool the dc at all who know they are being used. I would also say the house was much cleaner without him. It was the first thing people commented on after we split that the house wasn't a tip anymore.

I think youre being too soft on him. He should be told he is going to get the milk while you are busy at home. Give him the job of ironing each evening also.

It sounds like he's checked out of family life and is just doing his own thing. You need to have a conversation with him and state your case firmly -

You can't and won't go on like this. Either he starts participating fully in family life and being a husband and father or you go your separate ways.

Be explicit about what has to change. For example he can't just prepare meals for himself, you will all eat together as a family and prepare healthy meals that you can all eat. Leisure time and chores need to be evenly split between the two of you so you both get some down time in the afternoon/evening.

Good luck OP, remember your health and wellbeing is as important as his.

It's sounds really sad and soul destroying for you, this sounds like a man who didn't want a wife and children but happened to stumble into this life by mistake.

If you are brave and strong enough to leave him you and the children will reap the rewards of a happier life, there's more to life than this.

I think you'd be best off finding a shit hot lawyer and consulting them about how to get the most money out of him after a split. Then initiate it - you're right, it will allow him to try and paint you as the bad guy, but honestly, tell people the truth and that'll soon be dispelled. I mean things like: he would go to the gym for 2.5 hours but claim he didn't have enough energy to do housework. Like eating his meal on his own in another room, like not bothering to feed his kids or know what they eat. He's a self-centred arse and all you'll ever get from him as a parent is money, so go after that, spend it on help or childcare, and enjoy the relief of at least being in control of your family life and not having this passenger dragging you all down.

What are you getting out of this marriage op? My ex was abusive and useless.. although he has DD 5 nights in 14 now. I'm infinitely happier without the useless abuser. Your husband is a waste of space and you and the kids deserve better.

I’m really sorry for you OP. It’d be much easier for you to be on your own with your DC.