Feeling like a married single mother, DH lives a separate life to us

[Clementine2377]

I’ll try not to make this too long,

Been with DH 12 years, married 8, 2DDs ages 6 and 2. He works full time and I work 25 hours a week.

my DH works 6:30-2:30 Monday to Friday and I’ve noticed more and more how he has become completely seperate to us, always finding jobs to do and sneaking off away from us elsewhere in the house.

A Usual afternoon is me and DDs arriving back from nursery/school pick up at 3:30, he’s back from work and gets ready to go out to the gym, meanwhile I entertain DDs and prepare evening meal. DH will get home, have a reallllyyyy long shower, get dressed into loungewear (and in doing so will stay in our bedroom for about half and hour) by this time I’m plating up tea for me and the kids.

DH will come down and make his own meal, he says this is because he likes to make healthy meal plans and thinks the meals he has are things the kids wouldn’t like. So me and the kids will eat at the table and he will go sit on the sofa in the lounge and eat his meal.

after this he will go to the toilet for about 30 mins (takes his phone) meanwhile I’m washing the dishes and getting the kids ready for their bath/reading eldest DDs book etc.

if we are downstairs in the lounge he will lay on the sofa and start to drift off. He half asses bedtime with me (basically reads a very short story to youngest DD and lays next to her for 10 mins. Then goes off to bed himself.

after this I’ve got the rest of the housework/school and nursery pack ups, washing clothes etc to do and by the time everything is done I’m exhausted.

i feel like im a single parent (although i know it’s obviously MUCH harder to actually be a single parent) but it’s as though we are completely seperate units.

Ive spoken to him about it a few times now and he just says that he has to do things for himself because he’s working most of the day and only gets a very short amount of time to do things like shower and meal prep etc.
Ive tried telling him that im exhausted and he will just tell me to “go and see your friends one night this week” however DD6 tells me that “all daddy does is go on his phone and put TV on, he doesn’t ever take us out” he will usually get a takeaway pizza for them too, so I can’t feel relaxed on my very rare “breaks” as I’m feeling guilty for leaving DDs with a father who isn’t interested in spending time with them. Plus when I get back, the house will be absolutely chaotic and none of it will be cleaned up by him.

to be honest I’ve been living this way for so long now that I think it would actually be easier to be properly by myself. We would struggle financially, but mentally I’m breaking with the total selfishness of the situation.

Right now he’s gone off to watch tv in bed whilst I’m going to wash DDs dance uniform for tomorrow, go to Asda to get DD2 soya milk for nursery, clean the house as the kids have made a mess, iron my work shirts and put away the things clothes I’ve already washed and dried.

im sorry this is so long, I think I’ve reached my breaking point tonight and I needed to vent my frustration.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing the same thing. I feel the same with trying to build up my own support network and trying to plan an exit where I am as prepared as can be.

i also don’t get a break even when I’m ill. Before Christmas I had covid and felt like death. There was one afternoon where I couldn’t stay awake and asked to go for a lie down. When I came back downstairs after an hour, he had fallen asleep on the sofa and put peppa pig on for DDs

Have you looked at if you could claim benefits to top up your wage until you get work more hours? UC pay towards childcare as well, which it sounds like he'll be leaving up to you (standard!)

Does his DM like the kids? Hopefully she'll get involved looking after them while it's his 'turn' and so you finally get a break.

Yes the kids might not eat what you would give them, and might end up watching more TV, but that stuff won't hurt them half as much as a father who blanks them and a mother who puts up with it (no shade, I get it)
Now the scales have fallen from your eyes I'm sure you'll work out a solution. The hard bit is seeing what's in front of you sometimes, the practical stuff is much easier and hopefully you're excited about this new chapter.

Its actually hard to believe this is real, and for so many like you.

Your poor children dealing with the daily confusion of a father who doesn't want to be around them.

The impact on their self esteem will be profound because it is tolerated as their normal.

If you can OP, separate.
In the long run it will be better for children and you, he is the definition of a waste of space.

Count how many minutes a day he engages with them directly alone.

God help you.

Generally I think there are two types of men when it comes to kids, those who really embrace being a parent and throwing themselves into it and those who don’t like being a parent and everything it entails. I think he falls into the latter category and is also very lazy with it.

Absolutely agree with this . Separate and in time things will be easier for you .

Why can't he cook for all of you? It's so weird him just cooking for himself. Surely you can eat what he eats and children should be introduced to healthy meals otherwise they will never learn to like them. My children always had same as me except less spices, sometimes they complained and left some things but now they eat everything. If not, he can add some other bits for kids. It really doesn't take that long.

You need to make it very clear to him this situation can't continue and if nothing changes you will have to separate.

That is completely unacceptable. Tell him he either changes or he’s leaving. Don’t waste your life like this.

You should quietly start to do some sums and universal credit isn't too horrendous an experience.

He should be single, out of the house and paying for the children.

Any conversation with him should be short and sweet.

I'd start and finish by simply suggesting you both call it a day.

Get those old ducks in a row first though.

Get an appointment with your local citizens advice to get as much info as possible on what you could be offered inbetween now and going full time.

So he is aware you asked for a conversation to talk about things tonight but he's gone for a long nap as usual? The disrespect is unbelievable.

He's avoiding the inevitable conversation, he knows it's been coming.

I am not surprised he has a headache and has made himself scarce, story of your relationship. He knows he is taking the piss.

Try not to tip over into anger, cold disappointment is likely better. Be clear about what you want and aim for that. If that is him pulling his weight, set that out then hold him to it. If you think you are past that point just knowing that you hold the cards and can make the changes will do you wonders until you can make it happen. Don't get hung up on him setting out a story that you are the bad guy...who gives a fuck what he says when you have broken up, anyone sensible will see him for who he is.

Good luck OP.

Tell him he needs to go to the GP/start therapy for the sake of his family as his self help obviously isn’t working. Probably pack him off to his mother’s too as him lounging around the place depressed isn’t healthy for the rest of you.

If you stay together stop allowing him to be useless. He should be picking up more of the slack at weekends if he’s having his downtime during the week. Tell him the big shop needs doing. He spends an hour in the shower and three hours in the gym, that’s his choice but the big shop still needs to be done so be it at midnight.

He also needs to be told that he needs to eat dinner with his family. His daughter is asking him too. I’m sure he had add some salad to his meal or make the kids his chicken and rice without the spice. His gym workout isn’t making him happy. Maybe spending time with his family will. I’d be laying it on thick how much the kids are missing him/disappointed with how shit and selfish he is.

Oh I had one of these ! He is gone now and is living his life as the free man he always wanted to be. Me... I couldn't be happier . It's not about the domestic etc. it's the resentment at his uselessness that's gone. The freedom is bliss. Useless father, useless husband . Gone!!! Yea it's hard to raise three kids on your own esp some with sn but the critical, negative moody man is gone !! Get rid . You won't know yourself !!!!!

Just divorcing my “lodger” as i call him. Im anxious about how its going to pan out but cant live like this anymore! Its never going to be a right time. Just go for it and things will fall into place

He's awful. If you show him your op
Written down (which is very factual) he should instantly want to rectify ie take turns to do the tidy up etc. if not then more proof that he doesn't respect you at all. him only being on the phone with them is weapinised incompetence - he is doing a shit job to force you to do the parenting so your kids don't miss out. HOWEVER you do need a rest and some me time so you SHOULD book a yoga class or coffee with friend a couple times a week - if he does lazy parenting when you're gone it's his fault and his problem and your kids need a mum who is recharged and happy so it's worth it. If you split up you'll have to give him at least a night or two a week with the kids and accept he'll do shit parenting which you re charge. You can only control what you do in your parenting time and you need rest and recharge to do it your best.

Ps it's shocking that he finished at 230 and doesn't do at least half of the school pick ups. If you do all morning drop offs he should do all pick ups.

What does he expect will happen to your health if this continues?! Does he care?

Please leave him

This is not family life and no life for you and your DD’s.

He is a hindrance to you all.

So slightly different my husband worked away Monday to Friday but very much had his own life at the weekend and would moan if I made plans for us and then when I didn't he moaned that we never did anything and he liked to "maximise" his weekends.

Long story short we have now seperated and have been nearly 5 months and it's the best thing I did. I'm not saying it wasn't brutal cause it was. I've never cried so much, yes money is now tight, yes I get lonely or want a cuddle but wild horses wouldn't drag me back. You will be better off alone

Dear OP, you are working so hard with no help at all, I feel exhausted just reading this thread. Money may be tight when you leave him, but you are resourceful and I think you may discover extra reserves of strength and energy when it’s just you and DDs.

Nothing can make up for the awful effects on children of growing up in an unhappy household. Please rescue yourself and DDs as soon as possible.

So sorry.....he's definitely checked out....doesn't value you or your children. There is a whole world of obsession with gyms and exercise, healthy eating, calorie recording ....online forums etc. Lost my DH to these and earlier to the iPhone. There is a slow and part tiring/repetitive and part joyful cadence to parenting which you have to navigate and if one parent opts out then the other one is carrying the whole burden. Got called out by my DH for not having hobbies ...like him , boring wife but great mum apparently. I was enraged...prepare to get the same challenge back.