Feeling like a married single mother, DH lives a separate life to us

[Clementine2377]

I’ll try not to make this too long,

Been with DH 12 years, married 8, 2DDs ages 6 and 2. He works full time and I work 25 hours a week.

my DH works 6:30-2:30 Monday to Friday and I’ve noticed more and more how he has become completely seperate to us, always finding jobs to do and sneaking off away from us elsewhere in the house.

A Usual afternoon is me and DDs arriving back from nursery/school pick up at 3:30, he’s back from work and gets ready to go out to the gym, meanwhile I entertain DDs and prepare evening meal. DH will get home, have a reallllyyyy long shower, get dressed into loungewear (and in doing so will stay in our bedroom for about half and hour) by this time I’m plating up tea for me and the kids.

DH will come down and make his own meal, he says this is because he likes to make healthy meal plans and thinks the meals he has are things the kids wouldn’t like. So me and the kids will eat at the table and he will go sit on the sofa in the lounge and eat his meal.

after this he will go to the toilet for about 30 mins (takes his phone) meanwhile I’m washing the dishes and getting the kids ready for their bath/reading eldest DDs book etc.

if we are downstairs in the lounge he will lay on the sofa and start to drift off. He half asses bedtime with me (basically reads a very short story to youngest DD and lays next to her for 10 mins. Then goes off to bed himself.

after this I’ve got the rest of the housework/school and nursery pack ups, washing clothes etc to do and by the time everything is done I’m exhausted.

i feel like im a single parent (although i know it’s obviously MUCH harder to actually be a single parent) but it’s as though we are completely seperate units.

Ive spoken to him about it a few times now and he just says that he has to do things for himself because he’s working most of the day and only gets a very short amount of time to do things like shower and meal prep etc.
Ive tried telling him that im exhausted and he will just tell me to “go and see your friends one night this week” however DD6 tells me that “all daddy does is go on his phone and put TV on, he doesn’t ever take us out” he will usually get a takeaway pizza for them too, so I can’t feel relaxed on my very rare “breaks” as I’m feeling guilty for leaving DDs with a father who isn’t interested in spending time with them. Plus when I get back, the house will be absolutely chaotic and none of it will be cleaned up by him.

to be honest I’ve been living this way for so long now that I think it would actually be easier to be properly by myself. We would struggle financially, but mentally I’m breaking with the total selfishness of the situation.

Right now he’s gone off to watch tv in bed whilst I’m going to wash DDs dance uniform for tomorrow, go to Asda to get DD2 soya milk for nursery, clean the house as the kids have made a mess, iron my work shirts and put away the things clothes I’ve already washed and dried.

im sorry this is so long, I think I’ve reached my breaking point tonight and I needed to vent my frustration.

"He said he can’t guarantee he will have the energy every night to tidy just ONE area of the house"

And yet he has the energy to do the things he wants.

Can I ask, did he want children? Or did he just go along with it?

If he wanted children, surely he understood (as did you about what you needed him to do) that he would need to parent them?

If he's using depression as an excuse to not parent, ask him to see his GP as his children need him to do it.

(I'm wondering also if his mum indulged him when he lived at home when younger so he's used to having a woman doing everything whilst he just focuses on himself.)

I could have written your post OP. My DH is exactly the same and I've often thought about leaving because I know life would ve easier and I wouldn't carry all of the resentment I have for him. He's going away for 3 weeks on a work trip and I'm looking forward to it.
The other day I had a hospital appointment. I got home at 5pm. DH had picked DS up from preschool at 12, come home, stuck the TV on and gone for a lie down in bed because he was tired/depressed. He didn't even bother to make lunch for DS.
He prioritises himself above anyone else. He makes no effort with DS and his idea of parenting is putting the TV on. Consequently DS is very clingy to me as the primary caregiver.

It sounds like you've already separated but haven't actually admitted it to each other. Do you spend any time together at all? Even having a chat in bed about what the kids are up to? Do you think he wants to get divorced but hasn't the balls to admit it so is behaving like this you initiate it and he can paint you as the bad guy? Or is he completely oblivious and thinks his behaviour is fine?

First DD was unplanned and he was very withdrawn during my pregnancy. However he really wanted another DD after a few years. I was more hesitant but over time he convinced me to try for another baby and that’s when we had our second DD.

and yes his mother is VERY indulgent of him. I recently confided in her about all of this and she just suggested maybe he needs time out from family life and said he could stay at hers for a week or so if I need him out the house. But she’s very much the type to giggle and say “men eh?”

I got rid of one of these useless articles in 2016.

There were about three months of turmoil whilst we all got used to it but the last eight years have been very good, so much easier. I was so miserable and resentful before. I just wish I’d bitten the bullet sooner.

I have a lovely, respectful partner now and a great life, both DCs are happy and successful, at university and loving it.

And ex-DH and I actually get on pretty well these days.

DH did the same with 2 year old DDs lunch, I took DD6 to her dance exam the other weekend and was gone about 3 hours altogether. He hadn’t fed DD2 as he said “I wasn’t sure if you’d fed her already” and apparently he doesn’t know what she would eat anyway.

Another thing I remember from the other week, DD6 hadn’t wiped after a poo very well so had some slight marks in her knickers. DH came over to me with the knickers in hand, whilst I was cooking tea, and asked what should he do with them. I asked what he would do if I wasn’t here, so he walked off and put them in the bin, then sulked for the rest of the evening because I’d been rude in my response

however DD6 tells me that “all daddy does is go on his phone and put TV on, he doesn’t ever take us out”

Your daughter is very astute and her sibling will also notice in time. He is a terrible example of a father to his children as well as being a crap example of a husband to you. He is using both depression and MH issues to live the life he wants to and makes time for without all these encumbrances of children and adulting.

I would not have bothered talking to his mother because she will just take his side due to misguided loyalty.

Plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention.

I definitely think he wants me to initiate the split. He will probably go down the mental health route and make me out to be “deserting” him whilst he’s struggling.

i talk to him everyday when he gets back about what we have been up to and how DD is doing at school etc. He doesn’t respond with much, apart from a few things about work. He does a lot of scrolling on his phone in bed at night, and I tend to read a book next to him or watch something on tv. I’ve given up with chatting in bed at night because I just felt like I was rabbiting on without much in reply from him

“The separation came out of nowhere!”
Im a lone parent and can honestly say dealing with the resentment of a shitty selfish partner would have made it much harder than it has been. As a matter of fact logistics aside, life is quite nice alone in my own space without someone else's mess everywhere. Think about how you would feel if he went away for a month - if the answer is relieved it’s time to end things

he says his mental health will spiral if he doesn’t look after himself

Throw this back at him in reverse. Your MH will spiral if you don't get to look after yourself, too. And then what?

Yes it made me very sad to see DD6 noticing her dad’s absence. She asked why he is always “hiding” upstairs as well.

What a selfish dickhead. I'm sorry OP, he sounds awful.

Just leave him, he won't get better and doesn't care enough about you or the kids to even try.

Exactly - he's using mental health as an excuse to check out of family life.

I'm sure your mental health is frazzled by having to deal with the kids all by yourself.

It probably sounds awful all written down like that but I think these things creep up and get worse bit by bit. I remember having a breaking point one Christmas where I started to put my foot down. Our relationship had once been equal (before kids) but then on maternity leave somehow everything landed on my shoulders and then stayed there!!!! I started to hand things back to him. I made lists of all the things I had to do and the very few things he had to do. I fought and argued and pissed him off again and again and again. I'd like to say it's equal again now but it's not. But it's more equal than it was, and I don't allow it to stress me out. If things need recalibrating, we have a sit down family meeting. I had to challenge him about whether he was 'still in' - the relationship, the marriage and so on. He said he was and since then we have worked better as a team. If I was you I would list out all the 'me' time he has and all the things he can do where you are picking up the slack. Then demand a similar amount of time to care for your own body and mental health. If he insists on cooking separately - fine, but you still take it turns to feed the kids.
Whoever cooks doesn't have to clean up the kitchen. Whilst one person does the washing, the other tidies etc etc.

If you continue to do everything for everyone, your own mental and physical health will suffer too. How would he cope if you have a mental breakdown? Time for a major pushback, and if he won't change then you know what to do.

That sounds really grinding and awful. In your position I'd start to feel resentful & then angry living with this disrespectful man child.

Speaking from experience life gets a lot easier & much more fun once you ditch the loser.

My DH works 7am - 3pm and hasn't removed himself from family life like this. He needs to start acting like a married father.

I do the same hours although wfh so a bit different but also involved with DH and DS

I am astounded on MN the amount of threads I read similar to yours, where a man has a wife/girlfriend and children - yet he can't be bothered with domestic life, his wife/girlfriend or his children. Why bother getting married and having children in the first place??!! These men seem to expect their wives/girlfriend's to take over where their Mum left off! Taking no responsibility for household chores, parenting, looking after their own children and treating their wives/girlfriend's like hired help!! I absolutely understand wanting some 'me' time, God, don't we all need it. However, your husband has 'me' time as soon as he comes home from work, he does zero for his children or you. He seems to think his responsibility starts and ends with earning a living, and the rest is down to you! You are married (and even if you weren't) you should be working together as a team. He's an immature and selfish man, who should be utterly ashamed of himself. He needs a bloody good kick up the arse!! Is there anything to salvage?! I really don't know. Do you love him? If you don't then, there really is no point trying to salvage the relationship. If you do, then a calm, honest conversation - perhaps suggest couples counselling. If he won't entertain the idea, then unless you want to continue in this awful cycle, then divorce is your only option.

So what would happen if you decided you wanted to go to the Gym after work and he looks after the kids and cook. I suggest you do this for the next few weeks and see how he feels.

Madness.

Vocal as he is about his depression, has he sought any treatment other than his endless gym therapy and flopping around at home?

Your Poor Dd will probably be thinking it is her that he is avoiding.

What does he cook? Can he not just cook for everyone? Or is that toooooo muuuuch presssuuuuure for him, tied to a need to meet other people’s meal times? If so, tell him fine, just cook enough one day so that you can eat your share at the right time tomorrow while he makes his pressure feel dinner (and extra portions) …. At least that would take a job off your hands.

I would tell him he goes to the GP, sorts himself out, leans in or gets out,

God, he sounds just like my ex husband. Right down to protecting his fragile mental health as the reason to completely check out of family life and behave like a single man with a live in servant. I'll add to the chorus and agree it really is easier on your own.

This breaks my heart for your DD.

I am no longer with my exP - I couldn't cope with the emotional weight of a man being checked out and not available for our dc 1

I left, I'm so happy, life is so peaceful and I can engage properly with my dc

I have weekends free to relax for 1 night 1 day
Then have my dc back.

I feel resentful on your behalf OP. How do you feel reading all these posts from women who have ditched their similar partner?

Then I think you need to give him a choice. Think about what you need from him to make the marriage work and ask him to step up. There may be some negotiation needed on both sides. If he won't/can't then you'll perhaps need to suggest to him that continuing this way harms your mental health and as someone who is the primary caregiver of two children, you need to safeguard both them and yourself by splitting up.

I bet if you do split, when he has the kids it'll be his mum that is drafted in to parent.

I am so sorry OP that it's come to this for you. But it sounds like he was brought up that way and won't want to change.

This.

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds an awful lot like you either have a housemate with you, mostly living a separate life, or he's behaving like he's a step-father rather than an hands-on parent.

His behaviour makes me wonder why he had children. I assume he wasn't at all prepared for it or that he was one of the many men who wanted to pass on his genes, but didn't want to do any of the boring side of parenting except the fun stuff.