Feeling like a married single mother, DH lives a separate life to us

[Clementine2377]

I’ll try not to make this too long,

Been with DH 12 years, married 8, 2DDs ages 6 and 2. He works full time and I work 25 hours a week.

my DH works 6:30-2:30 Monday to Friday and I’ve noticed more and more how he has become completely seperate to us, always finding jobs to do and sneaking off away from us elsewhere in the house.

A Usual afternoon is me and DDs arriving back from nursery/school pick up at 3:30, he’s back from work and gets ready to go out to the gym, meanwhile I entertain DDs and prepare evening meal. DH will get home, have a reallllyyyy long shower, get dressed into loungewear (and in doing so will stay in our bedroom for about half and hour) by this time I’m plating up tea for me and the kids.

DH will come down and make his own meal, he says this is because he likes to make healthy meal plans and thinks the meals he has are things the kids wouldn’t like. So me and the kids will eat at the table and he will go sit on the sofa in the lounge and eat his meal.

after this he will go to the toilet for about 30 mins (takes his phone) meanwhile I’m washing the dishes and getting the kids ready for their bath/reading eldest DDs book etc.

if we are downstairs in the lounge he will lay on the sofa and start to drift off. He half asses bedtime with me (basically reads a very short story to youngest DD and lays next to her for 10 mins. Then goes off to bed himself.

after this I’ve got the rest of the housework/school and nursery pack ups, washing clothes etc to do and by the time everything is done I’m exhausted.

i feel like im a single parent (although i know it’s obviously MUCH harder to actually be a single parent) but it’s as though we are completely seperate units.

Ive spoken to him about it a few times now and he just says that he has to do things for himself because he’s working most of the day and only gets a very short amount of time to do things like shower and meal prep etc.
Ive tried telling him that im exhausted and he will just tell me to “go and see your friends one night this week” however DD6 tells me that “all daddy does is go on his phone and put TV on, he doesn’t ever take us out” he will usually get a takeaway pizza for them too, so I can’t feel relaxed on my very rare “breaks” as I’m feeling guilty for leaving DDs with a father who isn’t interested in spending time with them. Plus when I get back, the house will be absolutely chaotic and none of it will be cleaned up by him.

to be honest I’ve been living this way for so long now that I think it would actually be easier to be properly by myself. We would struggle financially, but mentally I’m breaking with the total selfishness of the situation.

Right now he’s gone off to watch tv in bed whilst I’m going to wash DDs dance uniform for tomorrow, go to Asda to get DD2 soya milk for nursery, clean the house as the kids have made a mess, iron my work shirts and put away the things clothes I’ve already washed and dried.

im sorry this is so long, I think I’ve reached my breaking point tonight and I needed to vent my frustration.

he’d have no problem with leaving leftover mince and spaghetti in DDs bowl for the whole day/night

That is fucking grim. I couldn't live like that either OP. So unhygienic too. Yuk.

Time to ditch the dead weight. You and your children's future selves will thank you for it.

I would have blown up about this scenario a lot sooner too. Such disrespect. Totally checking out of family life.

Wishing you lots of strength.

Becuase there is another woman

I live by the mantra of if they aren't making your life easier or better in some way then why are they there? Dh and I aren't perfect by a long stretch. We have lost ourselves in the chaos of parenting and I often complain we are more like roommates than a married couple. We haven't even slept in the same bed for a year due to our co sleeping toddler! However he does help. He cooks, picks the kids up, cleans, shops, and we do spend time together even if it's just laid on a separate sofa each staring at the TV.

I couldn't live with the selfishness and resentment you are putting up with op. And I do think your life would be much easier without him dragging you down. You'd fall into new routines that suit you and your dc. And you wouldn't be feeling constantly disappointed and pissed off by such a useless man child in your space.

Your mental health will start to spiral if YOU don't start to look after yourself;you're exhausted and you can't pour from an empty cup.

Sadly we see too many men on here who get buyers regret after having children and see their children as their wives/partners hobby.

After I had my first my grandmother told me that men show their true colours after the children are born.

Yep, he's definitely checked out.

You may as well be divorced, there'd be one less 'teenager' to clear up after.

Maybe he should take the kids to see their grandad on Sunday for a few hours.

Doing a separate food shop is just weird, why doesn't he do all of it or why don't you do it all together?

Also for someone so keen to protect his mental health he seems to spend an awful lot of time on his phone (on the toilet and in bed). Perhaps you need to point out all this screen time and doomscrolling is undoing all the good work of the gym and it would be better for his mental health to have some time together chatting or going out for a family walk in the evenings now it's getting lighter. You know, if mental health is really the reason and priority...

@Clementine2377 he sounds dreadful but it seems like his DM has set him that example - and that’s his ‘normal’. He won’t change, depression or not. Definitely better off without him.

I think that a lot of people say not to model this relationship for your dds, which is absolutely right, but that's not the only thing that's going on here. Your eldest is already picking up on not being good enough to maintain her dad's interest. Please remove her from this dynamic as soon as you can.

Having that constant uninterested presence does an awful lot of harm. It's one of the contributing factors to it being so much calmer when he's away, you are less stressed and so is she. None of you feel like you have to prove your worth.

Obviously money is tight at the moment, but when your youngest can get into school and that fits in with you upping your hours, grab that opportunity with both hands.

It doesn't sound like he ever checked in and I'm really sorry that you have to deal with that for yourself and your kids.

As soon as I had DS, my ex did much the same. He thought because he worked and I was on maternity leave, I should do all domestic work, baby care day and night, and be up for sex at least once a day.

I tried for two years to get through to him that I had no downtime and very little sleep. Ended up on antidepressants, so I took DS and left. Life immediately got better. Such a relief. Also my DS, then aged two didn't notice daddy wasn't around anymore, which says everything about ex's involvement as a parent.

Your DH assumes the same. He isn't interested in his DC's. He brings nothing to the relationship. Would you all be happier if you separate?

And you aren't stupid. You are working your arse off trying to hold it together. He is the bone-idle prat who is failing his family. Don't put yourself down. See the blame where it really lies

How stupid do you think men are? Do you not grasp that he knows perfectly well he isn’t caring for his children right now? He doesn’t want to.

Can you ask him what is his end goal? Like is ye hoping you'd initiate the split so he won't be the bad guy? Does he want a relationship with the children? Like what gives.

Part of me wants to say that if this is financially beneficial to you then keep going. Just live your own life with kids and dont consider him. However, since the kids are commenting on it the financial benefits are not worth it.

Most full time working parents and single parents work 9-5. My dh 7-6pm. Kids do after school club then they still cook dinner, sort house around it. He works till 2pm..the afternoon and needs to pass up being a parent to "rest".
You work 25 hours a week and do everything.
Shame he can't put it in perspective that he is doing bare minimum if he was a single bachelor..wait no, a single guy would still have to clean his own house..

I'm in the same situation, right down to the separate meals and the inability/refusal to feed the children if I'm out. I do everything for them even when I'm sick. I can't rely on him at all.

He spends all his free time watching YouTube videos in another room with headphones on, exercising or sleeping. My children will always come to me over him if they have a problem because "Dad never does anything". Even his own family can't believe how uninvolved he is.

Finances are why I'm staying for now. We have two kids with SEN so that complicates things. I've survived by building up my own support networks, including therapy, and making plans for the future when I hope I'll be able to leave.

It doesn't sound great, and you can't leave due to finances yet. The key word being yet. If you've pretty much decided you will leave when finances permit then that mind shift will help you get through the next however long, whilst you work on bettering your position.
Much easier to leave with a 6 year old and a 10 year old for example than a 2 year old and a 6 year old. In the meantime concentrate your efforts on you. Don't do his laundry, buy him cards or gifts, tell him anything. Build your own community too, look after your friendships and your health.

He is effectively having his cake and eating it, as I bet he lays in clean sheets that you have washed and a house that you have tidied. You are now a house maid and childcare for his kids.
I would end this and ask him to leave. If he wants single life he can have it all and care for himself completely.

OMG I don’t know how you haven’t read him the riot act!

What an arsehole - I think I would say one weekend, “right I”m off, you’re in charge, I’m looking after my mental health” and treat yourself to a spa weekend.

The sheer amount of men who are desparate not to do anything domestic or involving childcare of any kind is gobsmacking- and it's all 'classes' too -

Tbh you'd get more of a break if you separated as he'd have to look after the kids on his own on the weekends or days he has them. If he doesn't then he'll be paying you CM & you'll be entitled to some benefits I'm sure. You'll be happier without this dead weight. You're doing it all as it is anyway!

I think you need a Plan B for your own happiness and wellbeing, unless there’s hope that he might change his attitude.

Mine was similar and a bit abusive too, i won't get into it, but the resentment was the worst, it was eating away at me and my health was suffering. So we left.

That was 5 years ago and i have never regretted it. I felt like i needed to save myself for the children and for me. Financially there were some challenges but i have been on universal credit since then (despite having a decent ish salary i think), which has topped my salary up and covered most of the childcare costs. I own my house and have a mortgage. Mine were 2 and 4 when i left, so i was getting quite a bit when the little one was in nursery and it reduced as the childcare costs reduced, now i get very little and will come off it soon. My finances are in a decent position and i am very grateful for the support of universal credit. Let me know if you have any questions but Entitled To is the place to start.

Ultimately i am much better off, the resentment lifted almost completely, i am as busy as i was before but i don't feel the weight of it when I'm doing it for two children, rather than two children and a fully-grown adult who just took advantage.

There is not a chance I would agree to my H going out every single day to the gym if I didn't have the equivalent. Also as someone who does work full time, 2:30pm feels like a half day!! I'm only on my coffee break right now and still have 3 hours to go and a commute.

He's going to regret missing this time with his kids. Set some boundaries, if he doesn't do it, divorce him. Make it clear

Just reading through everyone’s replies now, but I’ve asked him to have a chat tonight to address everything and pretty much give him an ultimatum.

Hes agreed but so far he’s come in, no gym today, but a very long and drawn out salad making session which concluded in him eating it by himself. Now he’s gone for a shower upstairs and he will be at least an hour doing that.

focussing my energy on the kids this evening, going to take them for a little scooter ride around where we live after tea.

I think I know what I want to happen, I just need to sort things out in the background (finances)

He’s such a disappointment as a husband and father, isn’t he? A good friend of mine worked an early shift precisely so he could collect his daughter from school because his wife’s job was much more 9-6.

Your DH’s alleged depression might actually clear up if he stopped being so relentlessly selfish.

It does really sound as if you would be better off without him performatively isolating himself from your family

He’s gone for a lie down in bed now. He said he has a headache (he has a lot of headaches) I asked if he was going to sleep and he said no (he definitely is)

Really hard to contain my rage, feel like I just want to throw glass of water of him and scream. I feel like trying to secure more hours at work, preferably 40 and then leave. I feel too insecure to leave right now as I’m only doing 25 hours on a rubbish primary school wage. Problem is I’d have to wait til July to increase my hours and I don’t know if I can last that long

Finances aside right now he starts parenting the DC every other weekend in full. Start going out and having a life, visit friends. He takes the DC and you go to bed etc.

He feeds the DC at least 2 weekday evenings etc.