Page 7 | If you had to pick between having a child or having a partner?

Verynice44 · 2025-02-24T23:10:30+00:00

I’m not asking you to pick between your actual child or partner, as of course everyone would (or should) pick their children. but hypothetically, if you had to pick one or other for your life, and forgo the other, which would you choose? I would pick having a child and forgo a relationship. edited to add- please say if you have kids when you answer or are child free

feelingalittlehorse · 26/02/2025 18:56

Partner.

Only because if those were the options, I wouldn’t want to be a single parent by choice.

okydokethen · 26/02/2025 18:58

Child without a shadow of a doubt

okydokethen · 26/02/2025 18:59

Oh and I have two children

Blackoutbeans · 26/02/2025 19:14

Child, most definitely.

Although, the answer might have been different had I not known what loving my child felt like.

Elmer83 · 26/02/2025 22:12

ashamedtramp · 24/02/2025 23:33

Cats! 🐈. If the house were burning down everyone knows to save the cats above all else in our house

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Over your children??!

Dutchhouse14 · 26/02/2025 22:30

Right now veering to partner
I love my children unconditionally.
As much as you love your partner it is never truly unconditional (nor should it be)
I would have said Children when my DC where very young.
Now they are all late teens early twenties I realise they are, rightly, flying the nest and leading their own lives so now perhaps a loving loyal partner is best. Quality of partner is obv very important!
Although I may change my mind again if I ever have DGC...
I do think if deep down you want DC but don't have them because your DP doesn't want to then it will lead to resentment.
I would have felt something was missing if I didn't have DC, I always wanted DC.
Although interestingly none of my DC want their own children :(

Bigearringsbigsmile · 26/02/2025 22:33

For me, the two are intrinsically linked so no such choice could be made. I would never have children without a solid life partner anyway.

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 26/02/2025 23:33

LividBoop · 26/02/2025 18:49

Child, no question, not hypothetical.

I tried for many years to become a mother (with donor IVF) when the right man hadn't come along at the right time. I met many, many solo mums by choice and they were all raising calm and contented children.

My path didn't actually work out that way in the end, because life is bonkers, but now I have an ex-h and a miracle naturally-conceived child I can assure you that for me, partners are transient and men aren't to be trusted, sure someone somewhere has a great one but I've never met him .

The desperation I felt to be a mum was all-consuming and I love my kid so hard it physically hurts. I'd be perfectly happy for my virginity to grow back, because my kid is everything to me.

I can't get my head around women who choose otherwise. Non comprendez. Some people don't ever want kids and I can respect that choice, but to have them and still say you'd choose a partner? Honestly it's bordering psycho territory for me. I just can't fathom it.

I agree completely and am so happy for you that this worked out how it did and fate gave you the chance to experience being a mother. You sound like a fantastic one, lucky kid!

I'm so sad for all the children whose parents think their partner is more important. If people feel that way they should not have children IMO.

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 26/02/2025 23:37

Bigearringsbigsmile · 26/02/2025 22:33

For me, the two are intrinsically linked so no such choice could be made. I would never have children without a solid life partner anyway.

How arrogant.

The best laid plans....

Few people actively decide to become single parents. The vast majority of people, just like you, think they have a solid "life partner" before they do so.

Life often has other plans, as they say.

Unless you think all of the women who post here regularly about husbands they loved and trusted abandoning them are somehow intellectually inferior to you and deluded, then it seems unwise to tempt fate with such comments.

Pyjamatimenow · 26/02/2025 23:38

Child. I’m married and love dh but my love for my children is not even in the same universe. It’s an all consuming, would walk through fire type of love.

DuesToTheDirt · 26/02/2025 23:48

I have kids and a partner. But I'm not very maternal and I didn't even think about kids until I was in my 30s, so I'd say partner. A partner is, hopefully, an equal to share your life with. Children are very different - you are responsible for them, you worry about them, and they grow up and move away and then are not part of your daily life. (Though you might STILL worry about them!)

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 26/02/2025 23:58

So many responses seem to be based on "what do I get out of it?" rather than "what is a deep and meaningful human experience that cannot be experienced in any other relationship you could have with any of the other 7+ billion people on Earth?"

There is no romantic relationship which is comparable in any way to the unconditional love of a child.

There are literally millions of people on Earth that every single person would be compatible with as a romantic partner. Does anybody genuinely think that if they hadn't met the particular person who is their romantic partner there is nobody else in the entire world whom they could have had a happy relationship with instead? It's quite obviously not the case.

Children are not replaceable or interchangeable in the same way. I find the whole idea that anybody could think a romantic relationship is more important than children really baffling so this thread has been quite eye-opening in terms of how such people think and why they behave as they do. Not that I'll ever really understand it! But thank you, OP, for starting it as it has given some insight into the minds of women who pick men over children.

Strawberriesandpears · 27/02/2025 00:07

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 26/02/2025 23:58

So many responses seem to be based on "what do I get out of it?" rather than "what is a deep and meaningful human experience that cannot be experienced in any other relationship you could have with any of the other 7+ billion people on Earth?"

There is no romantic relationship which is comparable in any way to the unconditional love of a child.

There are literally millions of people on Earth that every single person would be compatible with as a romantic partner. Does anybody genuinely think that if they hadn't met the particular person who is their romantic partner there is nobody else in the entire world whom they could have had a happy relationship with instead? It's quite obviously not the case.

Children are not replaceable or interchangeable in the same way. I find the whole idea that anybody could think a romantic relationship is more important than children really baffling so this thread has been quite eye-opening in terms of how such people think and why they behave as they do. Not that I'll ever really understand it! But thank you, OP, for starting it as it has given some insight into the minds of women who pick men over children.

This is so short sighted.

To me, many of the responses are also about what they 'get out' of having a child rather than what they give to the child.

People have different circumstances. For me, I would choose my parter. I am an only child. I don't have wider family, so I value the support of another adult in my life.

I wouldn't choose children, because I can't give them wider family (parter is also an only child).

There's nothing wrong with my mind in choosing a partner over children. It's right for my circumstances.

Bibi12 · 27/02/2025 01:07

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 26/02/2025 23:37

How arrogant.

The best laid plans....

Few people actively decide to become single parents. The vast majority of people, just like you, think they have a solid "life partner" before they do so.

Life often has other plans, as they say.

Unless you think all of the women who post here regularly about husbands they loved and trusted abandoning them are somehow intellectually inferior to you and deluded, then it seems unwise to tempt fate with such comments.

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She clearly meant she wouldn't decide to have a child without stable life partner. Not arrogant at all.

Bibi12 · 27/02/2025 01:13

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 26/02/2025 23:58

So many responses seem to be based on "what do I get out of it?" rather than "what is a deep and meaningful human experience that cannot be experienced in any other relationship you could have with any of the other 7+ billion people on Earth?"

There is no romantic relationship which is comparable in any way to the unconditional love of a child.

There are literally millions of people on Earth that every single person would be compatible with as a romantic partner. Does anybody genuinely think that if they hadn't met the particular person who is their romantic partner there is nobody else in the entire world whom they could have had a happy relationship with instead? It's quite obviously not the case.

Children are not replaceable or interchangeable in the same way. I find the whole idea that anybody could think a romantic relationship is more important than children really baffling so this thread has been quite eye-opening in terms of how such people think and why they behave as they do. Not that I'll ever really understand it! But thank you, OP, for starting it as it has given some insight into the minds of women who pick men over children.

Wanting a "deep human experience " also falls under "what I can get out of it". Literally no difference. Its also about you and what you want to get/experience.

Some people don't want to have children outside of relationship and some people don't want to have children at all for many valid reasons.

I'm surprised it took you reading this thread to realise people are different and think differently. I thought it was pretty obvious.

EconomyClassRockstar · 27/02/2025 01:18

I would choose my husband. But in the same rule as you can't switch options, my husband and I get to live to a grand old age together, pottering around our garden, yelling at each other as we'd both be deaf. None of this choosing the husband and then him dying tragically young so I'm left on my own. I kind of figure if I never had kids I wouldn't know about all the stuff I missed out on so would be ok with the decision.

EconomyClassRockstar · 27/02/2025 01:19

Although now I've posted that I'm kind of cranky with myself for putting any of that energy out into the universe. Ewww. Sorry kids!

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 27/02/2025 02:38

@Strawberriesandpears I wasn't talking about people who do not have children. I was talking about people who have children but state that their partner is more important to them.

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 27/02/2025 02:42

She clearly meant she wouldn't decide to have a child without stable life partner. Not arrogant at all.

This is what the vast majority of people who have children do. Of course it's arrogant to presume that it will stay that way just because it's like that now. What seems stable can destabilise very quickly and unpredictably and to presume that this could never happen to you, to make comments implying that you have some kind of superior abilitiy to see the future and know that you have chosen wisely and other women who've experienced completely unpredictable behavoiour from a once "stable life partner" must be really stupid not to have seen that coming is indeed incredibly arrogant.

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 27/02/2025 02:47

Wanting a "deep human experience " also falls under "what I can get out of it". Literally no difference. Its also about you and what you want to get/experience.

Of course there is a difference. One is about meaningful connection to your existence as an animal, a human being, to millenia of evolution. The other is a romantic partnership. The depth of the two is not comparable and this is routed in evolution.

Some people don't want to have children outside of relationship and some people don't want to have children at all for many valid reasons.

Nobody disagreed with this as far as I can see? I don't think the OP's post was about people having children outside a relationship necessarily, and clearly neither do most people who've responded as most of them say they have a relationship and children. And nobody was talking about people who never wanted to have children, either, because their answer to the OP's question would be extremely obvious and already quite clear so not relevant to the question. I'm not sure where you're getting these ideas from. It seems like an attempt to derail things.

I'm surprised it took you reading this thread to realise people are different and think differently. I thought it was pretty obvious.

Again, a very strange assertion that you've concocted which bears no resemblance to the discussion. Tiresome.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/02/2025 03:02

Partner, no question.

BlondiePortz · 27/02/2025 07:29

I took the op to me not your kids you have now but if you had no kids and your partner said they didn't want any, i would not have had a child without a partner deliberately

Ferrazzuoli · 27/02/2025 07:29

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 26/02/2025 23:58

So many responses seem to be based on "what do I get out of it?" rather than "what is a deep and meaningful human experience that cannot be experienced in any other relationship you could have with any of the other 7+ billion people on Earth?"

There is no romantic relationship which is comparable in any way to the unconditional love of a child.

There are literally millions of people on Earth that every single person would be compatible with as a romantic partner. Does anybody genuinely think that if they hadn't met the particular person who is their romantic partner there is nobody else in the entire world whom they could have had a happy relationship with instead? It's quite obviously not the case.

Children are not replaceable or interchangeable in the same way. I find the whole idea that anybody could think a romantic relationship is more important than children really baffling so this thread has been quite eye-opening in terms of how such people think and why they behave as they do. Not that I'll ever really understand it! But thank you, OP, for starting it as it has given some insight into the minds of women who pick men over children.

I think you've interpreted the question differently to how some of us have. It's not a choice of current partner or no one, it's a choice of a partner or no partner. So your point about meeting one of the millions of other people you could have a relationship with is irrelevant.

bettydavieseyes · 27/02/2025 07:31

Child. I did choose this, I was single and had 2 children via a donor in my mid 30's. I have since got married.

curious79 · 27/02/2025 07:33

child - was married, now remarried (and would rather not give up either) but my DD is everything