If you had to pick between having a child or having a partner?

[Verynice44]

I’m not asking you to pick between your actual child or partner, as of course everyone would (or should) pick their children.
but hypothetically, if you had to pick one or other for your life, and forgo the other, which would you choose?
I would pick having a child and forgo a relationship.

edited to add- please say if you have kids when you answer or are child free

Husband, obviously, it never crossed my mind to want children, but now at 46, noone.

Why?
Some people have no desire to cancel themselves!

Child. I'm divorced. The best thing that came out of it was my daughter.

Partner.

And I made the choice.

DH is infertile. We had to decide whether to try IVF, but our chances were so poor that we didn't go ahead. Adoption wasn't possible. Fostering isn't something I want to do.

He tried to convince me to leave him because he felt so guilty he couldn't give me children. It's been a rough decade, but we've come to terms with being DINKs.

What’s dinks?

Double income no kids

Married with two children Definitely choose children over a partner.

Not sure.

I knew I always wanted kids from young age - despite being told otherwise by people round me - and was always clear about that with DH -who was also very clear he wanted kids.

However while I've really enjoyed being a parent ( they're all teens one now legally an adult ) I'm sure I could have lived a very happy life without children and really not sure I'd have ever willing chosen single parenthood (ie from the off rather than forced into it once kids were here ) - and frankly given cost of living not sure we'd have had three if starting out now.

@Verynice44

The theoretical answer - for someone who knows they want to have kids - is to pick having a child. Partners can come and go. You can’t ‘un-have’ a child.

But in reality - if your name is your age - at 44 - it is a slightly different choice. Your chances at IVF are not high, sadly

If I never became pregnant I wouldn't know the love I would feel for a child. Romantic love- I think most of us who aren't asexual do feel a deep desire for it which is lifelong.hence why many people date after their kids fly the nest. I could have been childless as it was 9 years before I conceived my baby (am 19 weeks now).. I can't imagine being single. Haven't been single since I was 17 basically (haven't been without dh since 21)..

Unless you have been in the position of having to make the choice, perhaps it's because the decision isn't quite as easy as you think.

I struggled with it for a long time. For some of us these hypotheticals are our actual lives.

100% a child

I had children because my partner really wanted them. I do love them now they're here and have fully embraced being a parent, but I'd have picked the partner. She picked me, too, because we got together with no guarantee that I would change my mind.

Hmm, I think up until recently I'd have chosen partner. I never really wanted children and whilst there are many wonderful things about having a family I can also see how life would have worked out without them. Motherhood has many rewarding factors but when you're not a natural at it it's extremely hard work. I often miss my care free days without responsibility and not waking up to people struggling to deal with big emotions or complaining about the quality of the breakfast.

However, I'm currently on 3+ weeks without my partner who has been away for various reasons, and I'm not sure I'd choose it to be just him and me either to be honest. The house has been so calm, so CLEAN, tidy, organised. I'd mentally held the kids responsible for the state of the house but it's been almost a month and I'm currently looking at clear sides in the kitchen, an empty dish rack, toys and books have been put away. It's like they've followed my lead rather than the standard messy status quo.

So...maybe neither?! 😂 You know, as long as I didn't have the knowledge that I'd given up a household full of laughter, games and colour that comes with family life.

Been enjoying reading the replies!

Child. As much as I love my partner it is an entirely different kind of love I have for my child that nothing else could ever replace

I have children
And have always wanted children desperately.
But having had kids, I know I wouldn't cope being a mum, if I was single.
So I would have a partner and no kids rather than kids and no partner.

Kids aren't forever, I am very lc with my parents and I live in a different country. Dh is in the process of going LC with his mother too and 2 of his mother's other kids are overseas. Their grandchild (my baby) wouldn't know them and they also have no interest..

I suppose if your partner leaves you, you can find another partner even in your 60s but you can't find new kids in your 60s. Also you choose your partner, you can't choose your kids.

At 18 I was already looking for enthusiastic yes I want kids from other half at some point in future.

By late 20 were were having when/what conditions do we need first conversations and by 28 I was pg by 33 had all of them.

If I'd got to 30-35 and it was always in future I imagine we'd be sitting down and having very definite conversations - what are we waiting for and when will that happen- and if he was no - I'd be weighing up leaving and find someone else.

37+ to 45 - I think I'd actually be considering can I do single parenthood or is it no kids and this relationship or no kids and single - and I'm glad I didn't get there as not sure what I'd choose - as single parethood from off never appealed but I never got to point of needing to really think of it's that or no kids ever.

Actual fertilty problems - I'd probably think differently - or if life conspired against us somehow I could have had happy life with no kids. If I felt DH had future faked my fertile years away - I'd be upset and feel lied to and not want the relationship.

I think if we were starting now - it's economcially harder so we might well be later and fewer.

My older two teens 19 and 18 - much less sure about kids - not no but not a priorty and more future dependent on right person situation which I think is a more common attitude.

No that’s not my age. And I have children already.

If you already have children - you already know how it is to raise them solo.
And some people really want to keep having kids.

But - I think that there is a huge difference between a decision ‘no kids at 30+’ while wanting children.
And choosing to end a relationship while already having children.

In general - how will another child affect your existing kid’s lives? Can you afford it?

Assuming you’ll need to go a donor sperm route - and your existing kids have a father known to them - how will that dynamic work?

Personally - I see very little reason to leave a partner if you already have kids. I’d focus on the kids you do have and give them your all.
I do remember that in late 30s/ early 40s my hormones screamed - have one more kid… It’s part of accepting life when your fertility is slowly ending.

Are you generally happy with your partner?

My mother when asked said, she could always get more children but could never get another Bill.
It's no surprise we don't have a great relationship

I don’t have a partner but I would like one at some stage. But not in the same sense that I yearn for another child. I can afford it yes but lots to think about

Partner, tbh. I have children and love them but they will grow up and have lives of their own, also your children's personalities and interests do not necessarily mesh that well with your own - you can't choose your kids but you can choose your partner. I always wanted kids and am glad to have had them but in a life where i could only choose one or the other I would choose partner. I am in a very happy relationship though and it would have to be one like that, not just any relationship.

Partner.
Don't have kids, didn't want them, still don't.

Well - in that case - why are you asking a question of choice between baby and a partner?
Do you think having one more child will change your chances of having a relationship?

Maybe it will. Maybe not. As you say - you currently don’t have a partner. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you want another child - then it’s not really q choice you put in the Op. It’s more - does it make sense to have another child - given my age, financial situation and the impact on my existing kids… Then - i’d also ask myself - why am I earning for another child - is it because the fertility ending? Or you like the little child phase - (don't we all).

You say nothing about your existing kids - how WILL their life change if there is a baby? Isnt that also important?