Wife’s constant crying

[Peaspees]

I find it very hard to explain but my wife is prone to burst into floods of tears at the slightest upset or frustration. It then takes hours or days to get her to calm down. She directs this type of behaviour only to her immediate family, and never to friends or work colleagues.

She intentionally sabotages herself. For example, last Sunday I was going to a football game, however on Saturday she announced that her family are coming over to visit, before they fly off on their long term vacation. She become upset that I wasn’t enthused enough at her family coming over to visit, so she told them not to cancel the trip. I was fine with them coming over but slightly annoyed that I would need to cancel my football game. I spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her.

This Sunday (tomorrow) she was going to a friend’s birthday party, which she had helped plan, but we are no longer going because we need to visit her family. Now her friend is upset with her and feels let her down.
I want to say this is your own fault but it would make things x100 worse.

I don’t know what to do. I try my absolute best not to upset her but I feel I am enabling this type of behaviour and it’s not a great example to the kids. She has always been like this. It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have.

?

Several posters have suggested therapy, which she clearly needs, but you have not addressed this...

This 👆, and I’m a woman. Not sure I agree his wife sounds fucking awful, but the being a man bit definitely.

I’d noticed this.

Mumsnet is an odd choice for this demographic.

And here we go.......instant assumptions because the Op is male.

She is controlled by her parents. She always has been and she always will be because she has been conditioned to do what they want.

Why is divorce not an option? What country are you living in that would not allow divorce?

I know a lot of people who have had arranged marriages. I don't find that they're any happier or unhappier on average than people who have chosen their spouse for themselves - it has worked out really well for many of them. I wouldn't have chosen that approach for myself, personally, but I do know women who have actively chosen that route and it seems to have worked out for them.

To be clear, I'm talking about modern arranged marriages where the women typically have plenty of opportunity to pick and choose. Not forced marriages where they don't get any say in what happens to them. Of course, we don't know what the situation is in the case of the OP, but it's interesting that you've leapt to a particular conclusion on the basis of very limited information.

You need to get her into couples and individual counselling. Talking about together with a neutral voice of reason is needed. She will only change if she understands why she does it, how it impacts everyone and how she can deal with things differently. She probably won’t take that advice from you.

It’s Something I’ve suggested but she isn’t too keen. Said she wouldn’t want to talk to a stranger.

Does she acknowledge that there is an issue?

Your wife's happiness is not your responsibility, she is an adult and trying to talk her down doesn't appear to work. She sounds either manipulative or unhappy.

Have you spoken to her and asked how she is? Is she happy? Are you happy? Do you communicate with each other or just think you know things about each other without asking?

So many issues can be resolved if people learn to communicate better.

I’m a woman too. Imagine the cheek of him to make plans to go to football BEFORE his wife invited her parent over. Tut tut!

My go to response to your situation would be to suggest divorce because neither of you sound like you love each other and your wife in particular sounds unhappy. But then marriage is not something I would go into on the basis you have so I can see that different solutions might suit you better.

I agree with some PPs that the crying sounds manipulative, but I wonder to what extent the two of you have learnt to communicate and negotiate as a couple. It may be that she thinks this is her only route to exercising any power in the relationship. But showing annoyance about missing a football game in order to see her family sounds like it could have been kind of shitty too.

You might find some relationship counseling beneficial. If you haven't already, discuss what you both want out of the marriage, what your dreams are and how you can both support each other in achieving them. But also, develop some tools for talking together. For bringing up difficult subjects, for negotiating. Etc. But also for complimenting each other and showing kindness in a way the other will hear.

Your wife might also benefit from individual counseling. Her crying sounds manipulative, but she also seems incredibly unhappy and unable to get out of that mindset.

Leave her to it; and ignore folks goading you on divorce when you’ve come here with an issue and said you won’t consider it.

so in future just walk away, leave her to it. Don’t engage, if she follows you doing it, keep moving away. Ignore. Because by giving her all this attention you’re feeding it.

Even though this isn’t your fault, you do need to set boundaries.

Why don’t you call her out on her behaviour?

Why did you not go to football or to the friends birthday party without her?

You are not helping the situation by not saying anything or going along with what she says.

And actually this is how people end up in abusive relationships because they don’t want to cause an issue and just want to keep the peace.

If this was a child, how would you respond?

This is meant to be an equal marriage but it seems you are going along with whatever she wants.

Have you been to marriage counselling or therapy yet?

You say you find it very hard to explain, which made me wonder how much you and She understand how the other one operates.

So in your case I wonder whether you have an inkling of how and why your conversations lead to her getting very upset - does she feel you don’t listen to her, eg., or does she feel that you belittle her ideas and wishes or is she worried about how you will react so that she postpones talking to you about plans until things are quite late in the day / week?

It may not seem logical to you that she is getting upset but there will be a reason in her mind / a pattern behind it.

If you go to speak to someone external it’s likelier than not that you would find it easier to understand and then from there a hope you can find new, better ways of communicating.

And if she won’t go to therapy - I now see you have replied saying this - then as an alternative you could both find a book to read about relationships / marriages that you can then talk about together, to see what you can understand and then cherry pick from it to help you. Or find an online (non religious) course that sets out to teach you about eg. communication styles and ways to bridge the gaps between them or setting joint goals, again with the goal of talking about it together after.

If you asked her what the biggest fundamental problem in your relationship is, what do you think she would say?

I agree it’s manipulative. It will stop when she realises it doesn’t work.

When she starts crying tell her that you’ll make a coffee for you both while she calms down and you can carry on chatting them.

Do not respond to it!

'Trying to get her out of her low moods...' you're behaving as you have more power here than may be the case. If your wife is seriously depressed and anxious there's a limit to how much you can do to cheer her up or stop the outbursts. Encourage her to see her GP initially.

Because he's A Man?!

Meltdowns , masking in front of colleagues and friends, taking days to regulate.Your wife is highly likely to be autistic not manipulative.

Stop pandering to her. Why did you cancel your plans? I certainly wouldn’t have done. If she tantrums like a toddler I’d treat her like one and totally ignore it. If she’s doing it in front of your kids I would calmly suggests that she goes upstairs until she is feeling more reasonable.

Can you not frame it that you both need help in the marriage? Then both go for counselling.
You should not have to help her regulate, nor change your long planned football game.
She needs help in coping with her parents and a therapist could help.

I couldn't live with someone who made such a fuss about things. Her family are coming over, surely she can host them on her own? Why can't you go to football?

It's not her birthday or your wedding anniversary. Why do you need to be there. You aren't joined at the hip.

I'd be looking for a way out of a relationship like that. I don't like drama queens. I admire your patience but divorce is ALWAYS an option.