Wife’s constant crying

[Peaspees]

I find it very hard to explain but my wife is prone to burst into floods of tears at the slightest upset or frustration. It then takes hours or days to get her to calm down. She directs this type of behaviour only to her immediate family, and never to friends or work colleagues.

She intentionally sabotages herself. For example, last Sunday I was going to a football game, however on Saturday she announced that her family are coming over to visit, before they fly off on their long term vacation. She become upset that I wasn’t enthused enough at her family coming over to visit, so she told them not to cancel the trip. I was fine with them coming over but slightly annoyed that I would need to cancel my football game. I spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her.

This Sunday (tomorrow) she was going to a friend’s birthday party, which she had helped plan, but we are no longer going because we need to visit her family. Now her friend is upset with her and feels let her down.
I want to say this is your own fault but it would make things x100 worse.

I don’t know what to do. I try my absolute best not to upset her but I feel I am enabling this type of behaviour and it’s not a great example to the kids. She has always been like this. It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have.

Same. I thought that was illegal now?

As others have said, arranged doesn't mean forced.

Have you read and considered the posts suggesting neurodiversity? It sounds very much like RSD.

If you don't believe she is putting it on, then there must be something else going on.

I was going to say it’s manipulation, If she can keep it together in other situations.

I was then going to suggest joining in, really own it- lay on the floor, sob and wail. I mean if she thinks that is the correct response then why would you not.

But @Boomer55‘s post is probably the way to go

How was she forced?

There were red flags before children… now I think back, there were loads but I only realise this now.

ND is never an excuse for bad behaviour but if there is a label so to speak it then means there are techniques for dealing with it that can be deployed to deal with it

Absolutely. It isn't something the OP has to decide to stick with, but means the attitude towards her should be different.

From my point of view, getting a diagnosis of ADHD and subsequently being medicated has made my rsd and emotional dysregulation a million times better.

I take your point. But as she won’t speak to anyone about, there will be no diagnosis, even IF she has some sort of neurodiversity, so OP is a bit stuck there. And I think it would be difficult to decide which strategy to use without that. And, there is possibly an issue about giving “free pass” to what is actually simply bad behaviour, not ND.

The thing is, there are a number of conditions which might also “explain” her behaviour- a PP suggested borderline personality disorder, for example. Her behaviour could be interpreted into quite a few conditions or disorders, so I think we can all suggest any number of conditions- any of which, or none, could be correct. I do think we tend to look
for a label/condition for all sorts of behaviours and thus ignore the possibility that sometimes people just aren’t “nice”. They behave in certain ways because they’ve repeatedly found this elicits the response they want. As I said, I know someone who does this and the more you dance around it, the worse she gets. If she is aware you don’t tolerate it (she’ll still have to have the difficult conversation at some point, for example) she is able to control it.

And, I think it is also worth recognising that people with ND are, on the whole, just as capable of being unreasonable/ rude/ unpleasant/ deliberately unkind/ manipulative (insert your negative verb)- that is not directly caused by their neurodiversity- as anyone else. They can, and do, sometimes chose to behave badly, just like the rest of us. Having ND doesn’t suddenly make them into some sort of saint, or someone whose unreasonable behaviour is only ever due to neurodivergence. They are people, just like the rest of us, and do can be anywhere on the usual spectrum of humanity- from genuine, lovely people to complete nightmare, just like anyone.

She 100000% is not upset and uses crying to get her own way. Very manipulative and calculating woman.

Hi OP. My mum was exactly like this -

drunken tantrums?

waterworks ?

bring it all on .. if there was a situation she found difficult … NIGHTMARE !!

How do you know? Even the OP says she isn't putting it on.

If only we were all given hindsight as foresight, much suffering might have been saved!

I didn’t realise you had children that’s awful!
Those poor kids must be walking on egg shells and they will be damaged by her behaviour.

How can your kids see this and not learn that behaviour.

She is not a good mum when she acts like this.

Sit her down and tell her that she needs to start putting her kids first and than means going to the gp and getting some help for her behaviour.
Tell her that you’re not going to have the kids raised in such a toxic environment and you will have no choice but to leave and take the kids with you.

And don’t pander to her.
My mum has genuine MH issues but she’s manipulative.
We used to do what she wanted to do and it just became our norm but she got worse.

We have stopped pandering to her now. We still make allowances because she can’t always help it but it’s funny that once you stop pandering to it and just carry on with or without her, then she somehow acts properly because she’s not getting the attention she wants.

If you have a football match or party then carry on.
She may get worse and throw a tantrum but eventually she will see that you’re not change your life because of her behaviour.
Treat her like you would a child.

Yes it’s MH and she may not be able to help all of it but there’s definitely manipulation and controlling behaviour too.

There is no MH condition that made her invite family to come round so you couldn’t go to football.
That was just being nasty and controlling.

Even if she is on the spectrum she is an adult and has given birth to children she cannot act the way she is doing because it will damage her children massively. There's also a big difference between mental health issues and behaviour people use mental health as a way to excuse their behaviour again not on for the sake of the children.

So many questions not replied to, especially those around just how much say DW had in the marriage in the first place

On the face of it this sounds as if DW is being unreasonable, but as so often - though of course it isn't possible - it would be interesting to hear her version of things

A common thread here seems to be that she changes her plans - and expects you to change yours - to accommodate her family. Why would you need to cancel football because her family were coming around?
Why couldn’t she tell her family that she had already made plans with a friend?
It sounds like she doesn’t feel able to say no to her family and it’s affecting other spheres of her life (that always does).

She needs to grow up and tell them no when arrangements are not convenient. She’s an adult.

You say she was not forced into marriage but also say divorce not an option so is she being forced to remain in an unhappy marriage?

Could she have ADHD or autism?

I used to be like that when I was younger. I am autistic. We feel emotions deeply but often can't express them in words.

I would suggest that it is highly likely that they are BOTH trapped/forced in an unhappy marriage. I suspect that this is either a religious or cultural issue- they can, legally, get divorced just like any other couple- but the fallout makes it feel “impossible” to them both. It’s also possible that if this is the case his wife would face more criticism/ostracism than OP, depending on their background. Let’s face it, it doesn’t sound like OP particular wants to stay married and if he thought he could get divorced, he’s certainly consider it.

I suspect that the reason I think it is impossible is due to the impact on them from family, and community/religious disapproval and likely ostracism, including by their wider family. And possibly similar treatment of their family because of their choices. These are easy to brush aside if you aren’t brought up within that, nor face the disapproval and possible loss of your family. Some people have the drive and strength to do what is best for them, and sod everyone else’s opinions but not everyone can do that.

Well if she's trapped in an unhappy marriage, that explains the crying.

Surely if OP knows how unhappy she is, it can't be a mystery to him.

The cynic in me thinks that this could be another thread that the OP wants to show his wife as a gotcha. These people think you are in the wrong or are mentally ill or autistic.

Aaaaand there it is. Always the man’s fault 🙃 god forbid he has some plans for himself and god forbid she control herself from acting like a toddler for five minutes.

OP she sounds like she has a personality disorder, is manipulative or both. She won’t change unless she has drive to and can realise the problem and the impact on others.

First Sunday - you go to football, she stays and hosts family. I suppose it depends how well you get on with them as to whether you stay.
If I was her friend re bday party I'd be upset. Why arrange to visit family at a time when you've already got a commitment.
Doesn't make sense to me. She's making life hard for herself and for you as well.
If she wants to cry then it's up to her, but I would leave her to it. Unless a family member is very ill or there is something that's being left out here it's a strange situation.