Wife’s constant crying

[Peaspees]

I find it very hard to explain but my wife is prone to burst into floods of tears at the slightest upset or frustration. It then takes hours or days to get her to calm down. She directs this type of behaviour only to her immediate family, and never to friends or work colleagues.

She intentionally sabotages herself. For example, last Sunday I was going to a football game, however on Saturday she announced that her family are coming over to visit, before they fly off on their long term vacation. She become upset that I wasn’t enthused enough at her family coming over to visit, so she told them not to cancel the trip. I was fine with them coming over but slightly annoyed that I would need to cancel my football game. I spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her.

This Sunday (tomorrow) she was going to a friend’s birthday party, which she had helped plan, but we are no longer going because we need to visit her family. Now her friend is upset with her and feels let her down.
I want to say this is your own fault but it would make things x100 worse.

I don’t know what to do. I try my absolute best not to upset her but I feel I am enabling this type of behaviour and it’s not a great example to the kids. She has always been like this. It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have.

This is MN, for many women the man is always at fault, whatever the situation.

Or she might be a genuine, gold-plated PITA lovey.

I was about to post something very similar. So much cynicism on here where mental health is concerned, and this does sound like a genuine mental health crisis to me as well.

By reaching, very very far.

It might be one explanation but I do think equally possible that she isn’t. I think there is a tendency to ascribe problematic behaviour to neurodiversity (not getting at you, it’s just a trend I’ve noticed) as opposed to accepting some people have maladaptive coping strategies or are just unpleasant or unkind because that is what they choose to be.

In any case, as she won’t go for therapy where that could explored, or to her GP, it’s a moot point. And even if she is neurodivergent, it doesn’t mean that her behaviour cannot still be (unintentionally or otherwise) manipulative- she could well have found that this behaviour elicits the response she wants/needs.

I do think that having meltdowns that last days, wouldn’t be typical for ASD- that sounds more like a behavioural issue. I think it is possible that this is a strategy which has worked for her with her family and so she continues to use it to manage situations she finds difficult, or if things aren’t going her way/to get what she wants, or to try and avoid being held to account for unreasonable behaviour. I know someone who does this- I don’t think that she consciously plans it and I do think she is worried/upset/anxious when she cries, so it’s not totally “fake” crocodile tears, but it is definitely amped up and used as a “get out of jail free” response when she is in an uncomfortable situation or one she would like to avoid. Especially if she is in the wrong.

The tears and upset, sometimes almost hysterically so, tend to distract from the real issue (e.g. she has been challenged about unreasonable behaviour) and sometimes the real problem gets lost in it all- or the person on the other end of it feels bad for her/gets upset by how upset she is/ is embarrassed etc, and so she gets out of having to face up to something she would rather avoid. I suspect this drives the continuation of this behaviour. But, she never does it at work or with people she does not know well- and she rarely does it with friends who she knows will largely ignore it or deal with the tears, but still come back and address the issue once she has calmed down. I am about as certain as you can be without an actual clinical assessment stating she is neurotypical that this person does not have ASD/ neurodivergence. She was an over-indulged child who had few boundaries growing up, and a mother who would do anything to avoid conflict or her being upset.

Even if OP’s wife is neurodivergent, persistent meltdowns when she is unhappy/stressed/ is not getting what she wants/ there is a disagreement between them etc, are highly likely to cause problems within a relationship. They are manipulative, even if that is not the intention, because they cause op to frequently alter his behaviour/actions in a way that make him unhappy in order to try to prevent these meltdowns, or to try and stop them once they have started. Neurodiversity might be an explanation, but even if accurate, would not excuse it or make the impact on those around her any less negative.

Op I don't know anything about arranged marriages. Within your culture, what is the advice for 2 people who find themselves absolutely miserable together, but unable to divorce ( for specific cultural reasons) Presumably it happens? The advice for people for whom divorce IS an option is completely different.

Life is too short for this level of nonsense. If she is dragging you down, divorce her. Don't worry about what your family/friends/religious leaders think about divorce. They clearly can't get you out of this mess and help you to live a happy life , so they can eff right off with their judgment . You've only got one life, you don't have to put up with this.

It gets spouted a lot, but could she have ADHD? Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a massive part of this, and can look a lot like a tantrum or over emotion.

Whatever it is though, it isn't healthy for either of you. If you don't feel she is putting it on then it must be bloody miserable to be that on the edge all the time.

She needs to look for help, insight, coping strategies etc.

If nothing changes, or she doesn't try to get.helo, I would end the marriage.

I really feel for your children if you have any, can you imagine the impact this is having on them?

You can separate.

Although, reading between the lines, there are a LOT of red flags in this post. PP have pointed out many of them already.

She's powerless in an arranged marriage, tears are the only option.

Being forced to marry against her will is treating her like a child with no will or desire of her own, why be surprised when she acts like a child?

An arranged marriage you can’t leave is a forced marriage. I know women who have left arranged marriages due to DV etc

If either party feel they need to leave but can’t that’s not something we need to be culturally understanding of.

Op feels manipulated by a wife he doesn’t understand and his wife may well be struggling with meeting expectations from family and friends. Struggling with regulating emotions and crying easily can be a sign of autism in women. Especially if she is ‘masking’ at work.

What are you on about? Arranged is very different to forced. It’s an arranged meeting of two people who get to decide if they want to proceed. I knew of someone who was in an arranged marriage and said no to many prospects before she chose the one.

Crack a book.

I know it's wrong to armchair diagnose, but she does sound a lot like my DD, who is ASD, with added OCD and depression. It's like she needs you to be really enthusiastic about everything she suggests or else she interprets it as rejection/criticism.

What’s with the recent influx of seemingly American men posting on Mumsnet.

Out of interest OP, how did you find Mumsnet and decide it’s the right place for your question

(Not that it’s the wrong place to post, but it seems to be an increasingly common theme and I can’t tell why!)

Agreed, the pain is intense and feels very real. Even a slight change in a tone of voice, or nuance can feel like an attack.

Extreme emotional dysregulation, manipulative behaviour but no conscious awareness of the manipulation, regular meltdowns, pushing loved ones away when they don’t conform to expected behaviour quickly enough…I’m not in any way a professional but it reminds me of my mum who has borderline personality disorder. Genuinely has no idea what she’s doing but wreaks havoc in everyone’s lives and expects everyone to be super happy about doing exactly what she wants, regardless of the impact. It’s living with a toddler in an adult’s body - utterly exhausting.

Again, could be way off but what you describe resonates with me and would strongly suggest therapy. However, if she’s anything like my mum, she’ll refuse to engage unless you get her to think it’s her own idea, and even then she’ll only last until the therapist challenges her on something. At which point, she’ll drop them like a hot potato, saying they’re rubbish.

"Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have."

Then react to them as you would to a toddler. Ignore them and refuse to be manipulated by them.

The two examples you gave in your OP involved her family - how much pressure is she under from them?

Maybe it's because I'm irish and divorce was actually illegal here until 1996, but she just sounds like an ordinary pissed off wife to me! Nothing unusual/ neurodiverse/ borderline about her reactions based on what you've described. Culturally not that different,Trapped is trapped 😕

My friend actually divorced her English husband ( she was living in London at the time) in the late 90s and her Mother refused to let her tell anyone at home. She had to pretend he was busy with work whenever she went home to visit!!

Those were examples…. She isn’t under any particular pressure from her family, she has a good relationship with them. She views anything other than a completely enthused response as an insult to her. It could be anything that upsets her: kids not liking what she had made.

She had a good relationship with a cousin of hers until her cousin made a funny face at something my wife suggested. My wife decided to completely cut her off. She stopped talking to and blocked her number. She later regretted this but refused to initiate contact.

The smallest criticism is met with, “ITS ALL MY FAULT, YOURE BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING.” I cannot have a constructive conversation.

What makes you think it was forced? It wasn’t.

You're right, it was arranged, not necessarily forced. OP's wife seems to be unhappy with the arrangement, no?

This behaviour wasn’t apparent before marriage, or before children?

manipulation comes mind.

This was one of the first signs of Autism in my DC