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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife’s constant crying

174 replies

Peaspees · 22/02/2025 16:24

I find it very hard to explain but my wife is prone to burst into floods of tears at the slightest upset or frustration. It then takes hours or days to get her to calm down. She directs this type of behaviour only to her immediate family, and never to friends or work colleagues.

She intentionally sabotages herself. For example, last Sunday I was going to a football game, however on Saturday she announced that her family are coming over to visit, before they fly off on their long term vacation. She become upset that I wasn’t enthused enough at her family coming over to visit, so she told them not to cancel the trip. I was fine with them coming over but slightly annoyed that I would need to cancel my football game. I spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her.

This Sunday (tomorrow) she was going to a friend’s birthday party, which she had helped plan, but we are no longer going because we need to visit her family. Now her friend is upset with her and feels let her down.
I want to say this is your own fault but it would make things x100 worse.

I don’t know what to do. I try my absolute best not to upset her but I feel I am enabling this type of behaviour and it’s not a great example to the kids. She has always been like this. It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have.

OP posts:
Ridelikethewindypops · 22/02/2025 18:26

@SmileEachDay yes that's the one!
I don't think the op really wants advice, he just wants people to agree that his wife is in the wrong. Very sad for all involved.

ButIToldYouSoooo · 22/02/2025 18:32

She's manipulating you to stay with her and not go out and do your own thing. It is controlling. And very concerning.

She only does this with you and with close family.

Even if she has MH issues, this is not acceptable behaviour.

Wonderi · 22/02/2025 18:33

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 22/02/2025 18:05

You seem harsh and narrow minded to me. You are assuming because the tears are situation specific they must be manipulative or put on. IMO it's more likely that she only cries in family situations (not work or friendship situations) because only the family situations have the emotional heft to hurt her. Possibly because she feels trapped?

You say you spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her. Does that actually mean you spent the best part of two hours trying to convince her that you were right and she is wrong?

Don't pretend you don't have agency here. People have walked away from unhealthy and unhappy marriages for millennia regardless of prevailing cultural mores.

OP has explicitly said that he doesn’t think it’s manipulative or put on, so I don’t know where you got that impression from.

OP has also said that he avoids saying it’s her fault as it makes it worse.

And how do you think she’s going to feel if her husband walked away from her?
Especially in a culture where it’s against the rules and it will be the wife who most likely gets the blame and suffer lifelong consequences.

I do think people in abusive marriages should leave but it’s not that easy and OP obviously wants his marriage to work.

Msmoonpie · 22/02/2025 18:35

I’m sure this advice could cover a lot of situations but : stop pandering to people.

Stop this “trying to cam her” nonsense. Shes a grown adult who is manipulating you and you are allowing it. Stop.

Phrased to remember are:

Im sorry you feel that way. I will still be xxx
Im sorry you’re upset but xx

Or even “Stop trying to emotionally manipulate me”.

PandaTime · 22/02/2025 18:37

Why does it matter if he has posted about this before? It's a horrible situation to be in. Plenty of people live like this and feel that leaving isn't an option. It doesn't mean they don't still hope there is someone out there with a suggestion that would help.

Unfortunately it is not possible to change another person. You can only change yourself or your situation.

Margorett · 22/02/2025 18:37

Screamingabdabz · 22/02/2025 16:39

Is this for real? Your football is the priority. I’d cry all the time if I’d saddled myself in a marriage like that.

are you reading a different post ??

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 18:38

Also you say you keep suggesting therapy, but would you go?

Given the arranged marriage thing, is therapy (and mental illness in general) something that is frowned upon and taboo in your culture? It's easy to say go , but not so easy to do when it comes with ingrained stigma and prejudice.Would going to a religious leader for counselling help instead, if you/she are practicing?

SmileEachDay · 22/02/2025 18:38

PandaTime · 22/02/2025 18:37

Why does it matter if he has posted about this before? It's a horrible situation to be in. Plenty of people live like this and feel that leaving isn't an option. It doesn't mean they don't still hope there is someone out there with a suggestion that would help.

Unfortunately it is not possible to change another person. You can only change yourself or your situation.

Edited

It’s interesting that he’s posted under two different user names - today - and that the situations are different.

suburberphobe · 22/02/2025 18:38

It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Whatever the family dynamics are you are an adult and able to chose a different path.

ThatMerryReader · 22/02/2025 18:39

Time to line up the ducks.

MzHz · 22/02/2025 18:40

Stop pandering to this.

You planned football months previously? Then carry on. If the family are coming on Saturday, you’ll see them and go off to football as planned and she can spend time with her family.

be firm. You have plans, she can either make them with you and have them agreed and sorted, or she needs to understand that you’ll do what you can, but the rest is on her. Be calm and clear and communicate this.

likewise, the tears? Leave her to it and say once that she’s over reacting and that this is her choice and the consequences of her choices. Go out. Let her cry it out.

she’s an emotional terrorist. If you can’t divorce her, then be very firm on your boundaries and don’t compromise.

seebiscuit1 · 22/02/2025 18:42

Peaspees · 22/02/2025 16:24

I find it very hard to explain but my wife is prone to burst into floods of tears at the slightest upset or frustration. It then takes hours or days to get her to calm down. She directs this type of behaviour only to her immediate family, and never to friends or work colleagues.

She intentionally sabotages herself. For example, last Sunday I was going to a football game, however on Saturday she announced that her family are coming over to visit, before they fly off on their long term vacation. She become upset that I wasn’t enthused enough at her family coming over to visit, so she told them not to cancel the trip. I was fine with them coming over but slightly annoyed that I would need to cancel my football game. I spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her.

This Sunday (tomorrow) she was going to a friend’s birthday party, which she had helped plan, but we are no longer going because we need to visit her family. Now her friend is upset with her and feels let her down.
I want to say this is your own fault but it would make things x100 worse.

I don’t know what to do. I try my absolute best not to upset her but I feel I am enabling this type of behaviour and it’s not a great example to the kids. She has always been like this. It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have.

Your wife's problems are your problems.
You need to help her and show her attention.
Prioritize her and her family before your football.
Put her first.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/02/2025 18:44

How much input did she have into the decision to marry you in the first place OP? Your comment that divorce isn't an option suggests a more traditional approach, but I don't want to assume

The answer to this could make a big difference as regards whether you're being manipulated or if it's maybe a case of unhappiness with one thing being transferred onto something else

BigHeadBertha · 22/02/2025 18:44

To play armchair shrink here for a sec, just in case it sheds any light, could we say that one cause of deeply ingrained, maladaptive behaviors is that they serve needs that the person didn't/doesn't feel able to satisfy in a more functional way?

Her only doing this with close family and not friends or workmates makes it seem "situational." Though that could also just mean she's not as close with her friends and workmates as with family. Then she might be able to hold herself together in a more socially acceptable, though more surface, way with people outside the family.

I'd wonder what her childhood was like. Was it very male-dominated or otherwise restrictive, with this possibly be something she discovered, at some level, as a way to be able to claim some small measure of power for herself?

I'd not be too quick to write off "manipulative" as equal to "nasty, non-worthy person" here. My guess would be it more likely would come from some kind of trauma. I mean, most women wouldn't feel the need to be that manipulative. They'd just say "No, I don't want to do that." And that would be enough. Right?

I think therapy is necessary here and divorce being an option is also necessary here. (And, by the way, both of those things actually are possible). Otherwise, I guess it will just stay this way. But then that would be a choice the two of you are making, wouldn't it? Sometimes your life not working for you in a serious way means you're called to shake up your life. :(

PandaTime · 22/02/2025 18:44

SmileEachDay · 22/02/2025 18:38

It’s interesting that he’s posted under two different user names - today - and that the situations are different.

Show quote history

Where is the other thread from today?

SmileEachDay · 22/02/2025 18:50

PandaTime · 22/02/2025 18:44

Where is the other thread from today?

Show quote history

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5280241-wifes-constant-crying?reply=142372032&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

SmileEachDay · 22/02/2025 18:51

SmileEachDay · 22/02/2025 18:50

Show quote history

The original thread was actually in August. Just noticed that.

It’s been updated today.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 22/02/2025 18:51

TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2025 16:44

She probably feels safer with her friends and work colleagues, a bit telling she can't communicate with the ones she's supposed to feel safest with without crying and becoming emotional.

Or perhaps she is a spoiled brat who has learned this is a great way to get what she wants all the time but it only works with people who dont feel beholden to her. OP, you are going to have to wait it out. Stop trying to calm her down. Set your boundaries. There will be a storm at first. But hopefully she will get the message. If not, you may need to live a separate life. At the moment, all your efforts are just showing her this works.

PandaTime · 22/02/2025 18:54

SmileEachDay · 22/02/2025 18:51

The original thread was actually in August. Just noticed that.

It’s been updated today.

Show quote history

Yes, it's from August. 6 months ago. Hence why it's a different story (if it is the OP). There is nothing to indicate he is lying or trolling. He was in a shit situation 6 months ago and is still in that shit situation now.

Sixpence39 · 22/02/2025 18:55

I get very tearful sometimes as a result of depression and anxiety, a small thing can feel extremely overwhelming and out of proportion when you're already so low/on edge. Therapy and/or medication may help if this is the case. Are there any other signs? Could get her to speak to her GP. Say you're worried about her and her quality of life (rather than make her feel bad about it). Meltdowns could be panic attacks or autism which tends to go undiagnosed in women and girls.

Robynxoxo · 22/02/2025 18:55

I feel for you, my mother was like this growing up, would fake cry anytime she didn't get her way. Horrible woman.

BettyButtersBatter · 22/02/2025 18:56

@Peaspees Don't reward bad behaviour (crying) and reward good behaviour (smiling (possibly) and being proactive in her actions)

What does she do well that makes you think better about her?

Hwi · 22/02/2025 18:57

Dump her, life is too short. (Would have given the same advice if OP were female and the greeter was a bloke).

youve987456 · 22/02/2025 19:01

If she doesn't want to talk to a stranger about herself, how about you suggest couple's counselling and tell her that you need it for you and see if she'll be open to that first.

Fuzziduck · 22/02/2025 19:03

Tell her the marriage is failing, and counselling is the last, and final option.

This can't be the rest of your life?