Wife’s constant crying

[Peaspees]

I find it very hard to explain but my wife is prone to burst into floods of tears at the slightest upset or frustration. It then takes hours or days to get her to calm down. She directs this type of behaviour only to her immediate family, and never to friends or work colleagues.

She intentionally sabotages herself. For example, last Sunday I was going to a football game, however on Saturday she announced that her family are coming over to visit, before they fly off on their long term vacation. She become upset that I wasn’t enthused enough at her family coming over to visit, so she told them not to cancel the trip. I was fine with them coming over but slightly annoyed that I would need to cancel my football game. I spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her.

This Sunday (tomorrow) she was going to a friend’s birthday party, which she had helped plan, but we are no longer going because we need to visit her family. Now her friend is upset with her and feels let her down.
I want to say this is your own fault but it would make things x100 worse.

I don’t know what to do. I try my absolute best not to upset her but I feel I am enabling this type of behaviour and it’s not a great example to the kids. She has always been like this. It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have.

Divorce is always an option and quite plainly the one you should take.

I can't help thinking that if this was a woman talking about this situation there would be loads of responses saying LTB he's manipulating you.

Obviously there are cultural issues here as it's an arranged marriage (very different to forced marriage) so, presumably your parents and wider family are heavily invested. I suggest that you discuss with the elder people in your community.

As OPs have said, therapy is an option, but it seems, not one that your wife wants to take. My feeling is she's thinking why should she? - crying gets her what she wants, makes you feel like poo, so you comply. It's the adult equivalent of a toddler tantrum & maybe you should treat it the same way as you would treat a toddler demanding sweets in the supermarket?

This isn’t a third world country or have ridiculous restrictions - You are free and do not need to be tethered for life to someone that doesn’t make you happy . I don’t know why people put up with this religious shite . Life is too short - grab it with both hands

you both sound miserable, it’s no way to live

The games people play

Try reading this see if you are stuck in a pattern of behavior/assigned a role.

Ultimately you can only control how you react to things not how anyone else behaves. Presumably she could access GP support if she felt she needed it - or marraige counselling or therapy if she felt it was needed.

You have no idea if his wife is awful.

She may feel utterly trapped and exhausted by her arranged marriage. She may feel unsupported by her husband and family.

If it was a matter of manipulation, she would probably use the same tactics on her friends but doesn't. Perhaps her colleagues and friends treat her with respect and she feels calm and in control around them.

And calling someone dear is clearly intended to be patronising and there is simply no need.

I live in a very rural community - 'arranged' marriages are not uncommon here, not as arranged as in many Asian communities, but not dissimilar.

A farmer with only girl children will encourage his daughters to join Pony Club, Young Farmers, village socials & generally put them in the way of eligible young men who they can marry & take the farm over.

I was subjected to just this, my parents used to encourage me to go to 'do's' with the sons of local farmers. Until her dying day my mother would say 'I don't know what was wrong with x - he was a nice young man with 250 acres which adjoined our farm.

How does being "slightly annoyed" about having to cancel a visit to a match prioritising football?

my mother-in-law does this. My husband used to until we realised it was a trauma bond to childhood trauma, made worse by ADHD. It took a lot of effort on my husbands part and a lot of patience on mine to get through this... its taken about 8 years and almost killed me, but we are there, and he now acts like a 43 year old. I have aged about 30 years as a result of helping him and look like a 76 year old.

I wouldn’t try and get her out of her low moods. Ever.

I lived with a sulker, nothing ever made a difference, then I realised he did it on purpose.
And he could be absolutely lovely with other people, whilst punishing me with the sulking meanness , leaving me kind of distraught at times.

Ignore and carry on with your life as normal .
Leave them to it, it’s the only way.

We split up.

Why? Can he not have a hobby?

If she gets upset this easily, how come she can control it at work or with her friends?

Seriously, I wouldn't bother trying to get her out of these moods, it sounds like a waste of time anyway. I think you need some tough love: either she sees a doctor and/or gets therapy, or she uses whatever technique it is that she uses at work and with her friends to control herself, or you will leave her to it.

Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have

Maybe that's how you need to treat them. When my son had those tantrums I used to put him in his travel cot in a quiet place and walk away until he calmed down.

As you have found you cannot deal in any meaningful way with another person in this state - no matter how old they are. it saps your strength and patience and puts you in the most negative state of mind to move on.

Perhaps try saying 'I will help, I will cooperate with your plans (as long as you don't spring them on me at the last minute) but I will not/can not deal with you while you are in this state'.

You can be kind and calm about it, but be very firm and leave her to it. See what happens.

You seem harsh and narrow minded to me. You are assuming because the tears are situation specific they must be manipulative or put on. IMO it's more likely that she only cries in family situations (not work or friendship situations) because only the family situations have the emotional heft to hurt her. Possibly because she feels trapped?

You say you spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her. Does that actually mean you spent the best part of two hours trying to convince her that you were right and she is wrong?

Don't pretend you don't have agency here. People have walked away from unhealthy and unhappy marriages for millennia regardless of prevailing cultural mores.

@Peaspees is she miserable in the marriage ?

How is her relationship with her family? Is it a good, healthy, loving, positive one?

Does she acknowledge there is a problem with her behaviour?

Tbh she sounds desperately depressed to me.

This sounds like a learned behaviour. Does it often revolve around family events/visits? If she only does this with immediate family then it's probably manipulative. You could suggest couples therapy, which may make her realise she is endangering her marriage. If this behaviour continues to work for her, then how will she treat your children and their future partners.

This sounds familiar, have you posted about your wife before?

Or it could be because her family are toxic ,critical and impossible to please and she's desperately trying to win their approval/minimise tension and feels she has no control (including over who to marry) as she's deeply under their thumb.

It's a possibility, and yes situational , if them visiting come with extra pressure and expectations.

What does she say about the crying when she is not in the moment of upset?

Why does her crying mean you need to take 2 hours to calm her down... I feel like as adults we need to learn to manage and regulate our emotions to a degree. Doesn't she have any other ways to help calm herself, such as taking a bath, going for a rest or doing something soothing?

Are the crying episodes often linked to her family expecting her to drop her plans? Or are they about lots of different kinds of things?

Maybe she has realised she is also stuck in a marriage she can't get out off. So she tries to arrange nice things to look forward to and when they don't or can't occur, she breaks down. As she doesn't have any other source of true happiness. She has obviously reached or is close to reaching her mental and emotional limit with life.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5280241-wifes-constant-crying?reply=142372032&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

Yes this sounds very likely. I wonder what 2 hours of "trying to reason with her" looks like.

The 2 examples are around family visits. Is it always about family? Could there be some controlling behaviour from them or could she have fear and anxiety around them due to her childhood? I don't think crying is an issue, that's how some people deal with emotions and that's fine, taking days to get over it though isn't healthy.

Is she fearful of her family? Would they show disappointment if she didn't do what they expect of her?

She's not being fair expecting you to take the brunt of her emotional outbursts. Carryon as planned when you've made arrangements to do something for yourself. Don't let her manipulate you. You need to tell her that she must seek help, as you cannot live like this anymore.

I'm baffled by that reply too. People are allowed to have hobbies and interests. It doesn't even sound like the OP goes every weekend.