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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife’s constant crying

174 replies

Peaspees · 22/02/2025 16:24

I find it very hard to explain but my wife is prone to burst into floods of tears at the slightest upset or frustration. It then takes hours or days to get her to calm down. She directs this type of behaviour only to her immediate family, and never to friends or work colleagues.

She intentionally sabotages herself. For example, last Sunday I was going to a football game, however on Saturday she announced that her family are coming over to visit, before they fly off on their long term vacation. She become upset that I wasn’t enthused enough at her family coming over to visit, so she told them not to cancel the trip. I was fine with them coming over but slightly annoyed that I would need to cancel my football game. I spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her.

This Sunday (tomorrow) she was going to a friend’s birthday party, which she had helped plan, but we are no longer going because we need to visit her family. Now her friend is upset with her and feels let her down.
I want to say this is your own fault but it would make things x100 worse.

I don’t know what to do. I try my absolute best not to upset her but I feel I am enabling this type of behaviour and it’s not a great example to the kids. She has always been like this. It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/02/2025 19:09

I'd probably cry a lot if I'd had an arranged marriage, rather than one for love - even more so if I realised that meant I was trapped in it for life because 'divorce isn't an option'.

Fundays12 · 22/02/2025 19:13

First of all you deserve a medal for putting up with that behaviour. It would drive me nuts.

Secondly why did you need to cancel your plans because her family are visiting? If my MIL is visiting and I have plans o go ahead with them. Her son can entertain her and it's the same when my DH has plans and my family visit. Actually in reality we see very little if each others families which is fine.

Thirdly tell her enough is enough. You are fed up on her crying to get her own way. She is behaving like a toddler so she either stops or you split. This is really unhealthy for your children to grow up seeing.

Switcher · 22/02/2025 19:15

She should go to counselling to try and gain some insight into herself.

katepilar · 22/02/2025 19:16

I realise its not the main point here, but why did you automatically have to cancel the football when wife's family suddenly made plans to visit?

handsdownthebest · 22/02/2025 19:16

Screamingabdabz · 22/02/2025 16:39

Is this for real? Your football is the priority. I’d cry all the time if I’d saddled myself in a marriage like that.

Really…is that the best you can do? . Both men and women are allowed to have time outside of the family whatever that hobby might be.
She obviously relishes ruining his day for the sake of sitting in with her family. I think he indulges her moods and she thrives on it. Hence the tears. She needs some MH support

xyz111 · 22/02/2025 19:17

Why did you not go to football? Couldn't she have seen her family on her own? This all sounds very bizarre

RaveToTheGrave1 · 22/02/2025 19:17

She wants things her way so she cries, easiest tactic for a lot of women

Wingingitnancy · 22/02/2025 19:23

Am I the only one who thinks if someone can't control crying and has meltdowns it sounds like overwhelm and an inability to communicate?

Friends coworkers maybe she can express herself better, maybe she is bottling up then blowing around specific situations or people? Are the meltdowns always around plans and meet ups?

I always assume manipulation abuse crying as the last assumption depending on red flags alongside it, don't know about anyone else but I can't cry on cue..only when I'm genuinely upset...

Also meltdowns aren't a usual reaction so I would be led to believe something is going on that perhaps needs to be investigated.

Original poster
Peaspees · 22/02/2025 19:31

Wingingitnancy · 22/02/2025 19:23

Am I the only one who thinks if someone can't control crying and has meltdowns it sounds like overwhelm and an inability to communicate?

Friends coworkers maybe she can express herself better, maybe she is bottling up then blowing around specific situations or people? Are the meltdowns always around plans and meet ups?

I always assume manipulation abuse crying as the last assumption depending on red flags alongside it, don't know about anyone else but I can't cry on cue..only when I'm genuinely upset...

Also meltdowns aren't a usual reaction so I would be led to believe something is going on that perhaps needs to be investigated.

Edited

Melt downs can be over anything, but at its core is hee frustration getting the better of her .

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaspees · 22/02/2025 19:32

xyz111 · 22/02/2025 19:17

Why did you not go to football? Couldn't she have seen her family on her own? This all sounds very bizarre

No, she never would have expected me to go to the football when her family were visiting.

OP posts:
Lollipopladiesareace · 22/02/2025 19:36

What is your religion OP and who made this arrangement?

Was this marriage conducted just as a religious ceremony or as civil/legal one (in UK )

More information is needed before anyone can advise.

jacks11 · 22/02/2025 19:36

seebiscuit1 · 22/02/2025 18:42

Your wife's problems are your problems.
You need to help her and show her attention.
Prioritize her and her family before your football.
Put her first.

Show quote history

I disagree with this.

His wife’s problems can be his problem. Sometimes they are solely her problem and up to her to sort- he can be supportive, if needed, but that does not mean he has to do whatever she wants simply because she wants it.

In this scenario, OP had previously arranged to go to a football match. Not unreasonable and the fact he said it had been arranged for a while suggests it’s not something he does every weekend. His wife’s problems can then decided to invite her family over- which for some reason means that op cannot go to his football match- I’m not sure why she needs him to be home in order for her family to visit, if I’m honest. Despite that, OP agreed to cancel his pre-existing and much looked forward to plans to attend the game, albeit unenthusiastically. I don’t blame him, either. So, his wife has got what she wanted- OP to cancel his plans to stay with her- but she is still not satisfied because he was not immediately enthusiastic or happy about it. This resulted in tears/a tantrum, from which it took several hours to calm her down. And this is somehow OP’s fault for not prioritising his wife?

How did we arrive here? I wouldn’t be happy to cancel long-standing plans to do something I enjoy because my DH decided to make different plans with his family at the last minute, which could have been made on a different day quite easily. It’s not reasonable behaviour. To then be upset that he hasn’t been happy about it all is ridiculous. If I did that to my DH I would absolutely expect him to refuse to go or to be annoyed that I had done this.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 22/02/2025 19:38

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

This is a difficult thing to accept. But don’t completely kill yourself in trying to make her better. Unfortunately if you will not separate then this is likely to become very damaging to you long term. Do you have children?

I also come from an arranged marriage culture so understand the massive barriers to leaving. But I have also witnessed how devastating it can be not to leave. At the very least you need to put your own boundaries in place - a limit to how much you will pander to her moods.

And for the person slating all arranged marriages - you are so ignorant. A massive portion of the world’s cultures do arranged marriages and huge amount of them are very happy. The ‘western’ way isn’t the epitome of civilisation and happiness, and if your baseline is ‘west is best’ then you are very bigoted.

penelopelondon · 22/02/2025 19:40

@Peaspees It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Got to love people defending arrange marriages based on their very low divorce statistics... well duh!

MyrtleLion · 22/02/2025 19:42

She sounds depressed. I would see if she could get an appointment with her GP to discuss it.

dementedmummy · 22/02/2025 19:45

Peaspees · 22/02/2025 16:24

I find it very hard to explain but my wife is prone to burst into floods of tears at the slightest upset or frustration. It then takes hours or days to get her to calm down. She directs this type of behaviour only to her immediate family, and never to friends or work colleagues.

She intentionally sabotages herself. For example, last Sunday I was going to a football game, however on Saturday she announced that her family are coming over to visit, before they fly off on their long term vacation. She become upset that I wasn’t enthused enough at her family coming over to visit, so she told them not to cancel the trip. I was fine with them coming over but slightly annoyed that I would need to cancel my football game. I spent the best part of two hours trying to reason with her.

This Sunday (tomorrow) she was going to a friend’s birthday party, which she had helped plan, but we are no longer going because we need to visit her family. Now her friend is upset with her and feels let her down.
I want to say this is your own fault but it would make things x100 worse.

I don’t know what to do. I try my absolute best not to upset her but I feel I am enabling this type of behaviour and it’s not a great example to the kids. She has always been like this. It’s an arranged marriage and divorce isn’t an option.

Her reactions are akin to melt downs that a toddler might have.

Have you thought whether your wife might be neuro divergent? As in she masks that well outside at work etc and then when she comes home to her safe space that's when she falls apart because it's safe for her to do so? That would explain hysteria at the smallest thing

johnd2 · 22/02/2025 19:48

If she is struggling to cope with normal life like that I would either think some terrible trauma has happened or there's some kind of neuro diversity going on there eg autism.
The fact that it only happens with "safe" people suggests she may be masking IE holding it in.
Has she been like that as a child, how much do you know about her early life? How are her parents able to cope?

MangshorJhol · 22/02/2025 19:51

I am Indian and although neither I (nor my parents) had arranged marriages, perhaps the cultural context is important. There are two possibilities. One is that she too feels stuck. Maybe she didn’t want to be in this marriage. And so the regular meltdowns are a sign of something else.
The other is that perhaps she has always been like this and because it was an arranged marriage process you never got to see this side of her.

For a start though I would stop trying to cajole her out of her bad moods. She can be a grown up about it especially if she’s refusing to see a counsellor.

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 22/02/2025 19:54

She sounds like a manipulative knobhead.....the next time she pulls that stunt tell her to get over herself and walk away. Do not engage, do not try to reason with her. Just walk off and leave her to be an idiot by herself.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/02/2025 19:55

She's a very unhappy woman. Why do you think that is?

MrsPeregrine · 22/02/2025 20:07

It sounds like she might be going through some kind of mental health crisis. I went through something similar a few years ago and would burst into tears very easily. It was a mixture of anxiety and depression. I’m quite shocked at some of the responses on here just telling you to leave her when all they know of the situation is a few posts on Mumsnet.

xyz111 · 22/02/2025 20:10

No, she never would have expected me to go to football when her family were visiting". *
*
Still not understanding why you couldn't have just gone.

MangshorJhol · 22/02/2025 20:14

@xyz111 because familial obligations are super important in some cultures. It would have been considered very disrespectful to his in laws.

em2001ily · 22/02/2025 20:17

Is there no way to have an honest but still sensitive and not accusatory conversation with her? Maybe she needs counselling if she gets upset so easily.

If it was an arranged marriage, does that mean there's no way you can separate at all if it really isn't working? If you aren't happy together, it would make sense to split up.

rainbowunicorn · 22/02/2025 20:25

Screamingabdabz · 22/02/2025 16:39

Is this for real? Your football is the priority. I’d cry all the time if I’d saddled myself in a marriage like that.

Did you not bother to read to the end of the OP?

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