Am I overreacting?

[shipplywu]

A few months back when we were having an argument, my husband kicked me. Not massively hard, I wasn’t hurt, but he lashed out in anger/frustration.

Quite often when he loses his temper or gets angry with me in an argument, he’ll hit and kick walls, doors. There is a hole in one of the kitchen cabinets and one of the door from where this has happened.

On two occasions that I can remember clearly he has hit the children when he has got frustrated with them when they are kicking off/ tantrumming. This is in a decade. On one of those occasions the children in question told the teacher and my husband had to go into the school and talked to the headmaster about it..

This is within the context of him being a brilliant friend, husband and father the rest of the time. It’s really just when he loses his temper and sees red and loses control. More context is that we do have a stressful life because both the children have learning disabilities and take more care/patience than other children.

I’ve asked him to go to anger management and he refuses saying that I’m overreacting. He has taken up jogging though as a way to manage his stress.

I grew up with abusive violent father. I know he’s nothing like that. But I can’t help but feel triggered by the incidents that do happen.

Does this sound normal or am I overreacting by being worried and upset about it?

I’m overreacting YABU

i’m not over reacting YANBU

The problem is OP, there is no way anyone can okay his behaviour.

The minimum he needs is anger management and you've said he doesn't even want/think he needs to do that. He's not even sorry for his behaviour.

Your children have been hit, you have been kicked and your house has been damaged and he's not sorry, he's not trying to correct his behaviour and make sure it doesn't happen again.

I imagine what you're thinking OP is that we don't understand that he's a good man really, a good dad, this doesn't happen very often, and you love him.

I 100% understand that, it's what my dm would've said.

It's a mindset created when we grow up around violent men - we find one who's "not as bad" and think he's a hero.

We are not nice.

But he, the monster who hits his disabled children and wife, he’s a good man.

Listen to yourself.

Is that what your mother told you about your father @shipplywu when you were beaten and cowering? I hope there’s a teacher somewhere in these children’s lives who will realise what’s going on at home.

OP, you asked:

Does this sound normal or am I overreacting by being worried and upset about it?

• No, it does not sound normal in the slightest
• No, you are not overreacting by being worried and upset

So, what now?

He's hit your children, and his abuse to you is escalating - it's gone from hitting inanimate objects to kicking you. This is very serious, people are just trying to help you see that.

You're not very nice to yourself or your children.

You're in denial and experiencing cognitive dissonance. You know he's abusive. You might be right that he's not as abusive as your father was but he definitely is abusive.

Do you have a daughter, OP? If not, imagine. Your adult daughter comes to you and tells you her husband has hit and kicked her and hit her children. Do you tell her that he's nice really and she should stay?

Op, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. It must feel like no-one’s on your side. The trouble is, what you’re going through isn’t normal or reasonable so no-one can say to you honestly that it’s ok. People could definitely phrase things a little less harshly, but the response would still mean the same thing.

You must be questioning things on some level, or you wouldn’t have posted here asking if you were being unreasonable.

You did a really good thing contacting the helpline for domestic abusers. Do you think you might be able bring yourself to contact a helpline for domestic violence victims? I know you don’t see yourself as a victim, but they might have some good advice for you in any case.

Or is there someone in real life you can talk to about this? Please try and talk to someone if you can.

He doesn’t have an anger management problem OP - he manages his anger just fine around everyone else - it’s only you and his children that he takes it out on. He CHOOSES to do so.

He is abusive. End of.

Well I've never kicked my spouse or hit my kids so I'm Ok with that!

I am thinking of you OP and hope you both get the help you need 🩷

You can’t start a post on mumsnet about a man that is physically violent to you and your children and not expect this kind of reaction? You seem pissed that the general consensus is that this is not ok. Would you prefer 100 strangers on the internet tell you that this is perfectly acceptable and you should continue to be physically assaulted by your husband?

if you cannot see that you deserve better you need to at very least protect your children. That is the bare minimum here.

Lay a finger on my child & hell hath no fury! You are their Protector. Stop letting this man abuse you all.

I really hope the OP is able to access the support she needs to escape the horrible cycle of abuse she has faced both now and historically. Not least for the sake of her children. I couldn't give a stuff about him, the support he could access but doesn't, or his continually framing his deliberate abusive behaviour as a painful cross for him to bear that he could overcome if only the people around him supported him better. I appreciate and sympathise with the OPs position and I really feel for her. I just feel for her children more. I totally get why she feels compelled to help and save him. It's his intention she should feel like that. But it's not her fault or her responsibility. And it's certainly not her children's. I hope the OP gets support and finds the courage to leave. Believe you me, the moment she does, he'll just reel in someone else to plead his cause and defend him. And he won't care about her leaving. People are dispensable to men like this. It's very hard to accept that someone you loved was always incapable and unwilling to love you. That you were just a commodity. It took me years. But I had my mum - who got out - and my brothers. Now my own children and nephews and nieces. Nothing will come of trying to mend him. There's just nothing there emotionally. He isn't broken. He's loving every second of it. The disarming charm is part of it. The OP and their children are just like a page in left in a printer. If she does summon up the courage to go, that page will go in the recycling bin. And a new document will appear. There's no karma. They don't end up sad and lonely. You can just escape and enjoy all the things their selfish rage throttles and dulls. And it's wonderful.

If DH hit any of our Children, he would be out that door without a seconds thought. You are letting those poor DC down so terribly by minimising his behaviour - do better for them.

This isn't for real - imagine if he had a knife in his hand when he 'just loses his temper'

What an utter bastard he is.

You know he's an utter bastard. That is why you are posting on here.

You are not overreacting at all. As far as I see it and as I have experience it the violence against walls and objects is not harmless as it acts as intimidation. It is scary, it creates a lot of tension and is aimed at making the witnesses tow the line. When this is not enough direct violence is used. You are all being abused. It is dangerous and living with this level of threat is very damaging for you and your children. It takes years after you manage to get away to unravel, heal and feel safe. Read up on the cycle of abuse. Abuse is never continuous, it is tailored to you and your responses, what you will tolerate. The fact that there are big gaps and good 'normal times' in between episodes does not mean he is a good person, it means the previous episodes worked to get you to tow the line until it doesn't and more intimidation is needed. Speak with woman's aid or victim's support. Read 'Why does he do that' of Lundy Buncroft. Become aware of what he is doing. You want him to change, he doesn't because it is working. What he is doing is working from his point of view.

Shame the poor child who went and asked a teacher for help didn’t receive any.
No idea why you would prioritise helping this violent man, rather than the children.
They must be terrified. And traumatised.

Holes in walls and cupboards! He's kicked you and abused your children! Why are you still with him? Your job is to protect your children! He is a disgusting waste of oxygen and you need to put them children first

Disgracefully the teacher brought him in.
I have never heard of that.
Reporting to SS, child protection etc., is the norm of mandated people.

Certainly not letting the abuser know they have been reported.
A complete disgrace, putting a child at risk like that.

That teacher needs reporting.