Am I overreacting?

[shipplywu]

A few months back when we were having an argument, my husband kicked me. Not massively hard, I wasn’t hurt, but he lashed out in anger/frustration.

Quite often when he loses his temper or gets angry with me in an argument, he’ll hit and kick walls, doors. There is a hole in one of the kitchen cabinets and one of the door from where this has happened.

On two occasions that I can remember clearly he has hit the children when he has got frustrated with them when they are kicking off/ tantrumming. This is in a decade. On one of those occasions the children in question told the teacher and my husband had to go into the school and talked to the headmaster about it..

This is within the context of him being a brilliant friend, husband and father the rest of the time. It’s really just when he loses his temper and sees red and loses control. More context is that we do have a stressful life because both the children have learning disabilities and take more care/patience than other children.

I’ve asked him to go to anger management and he refuses saying that I’m overreacting. He has taken up jogging though as a way to manage his stress.

I grew up with abusive violent father. I know he’s nothing like that. But I can’t help but feel triggered by the incidents that do happen.

Does this sound normal or am I overreacting by being worried and upset about it?

I’m overreacting YABU

i’m not over reacting YANBU

I’d be encouraging him to ‘jog’ straight into the path of the next oncoming double-decker! He’s hit your children. Don’t excuse it. Leave him.

In the 15 years we’ve been together, I can also count how many times my DP has kicked me, or hit our child. ZERO.

Just because he could be worse, doesn’t mean he’s not a problem. And someone who loses this temper and kicks/hits should be mortified and actively seeking help. Not being forced into it by his wife whilst telling her she’s overreacting.

For God sake, its your kids you should be helping, not a grown man who can do his own fucking google searches if he cares enough (which he doesnt). Yes you are a victim, of both your childhood and this relationship, but you are also enabling your children being hit. How many times do you think it's OK for a man to hit his children before it crosses into 'bad' behaviour?

Take off your rose tinted glasses (its your view of this that is off, not everyone elses) and leave. Protect your kids. If he cares at all, it will inspire him to sort out his violent temper. Keep making excuses for him, and one day, you're very likely to lose your children.

A good guy who struggles with his temper? So he's hit his co-workers has he? His boss? He's hit men who are much bigger than he is? Or does this good guy with anger problems only get violent with women and children?

You know what happens to the children of adults who punch and kick holes in doors and furniture when they're angry? They become those adults who punch and kick holes in doors and furniture. And children who are hit by adults? They learn to hit. What you're describing will affect your children for their whole lives, forever (not just for their childhoods) if you don't show them it has the most serious of consequences, which is him being removed from their lives.

He IS abusive. Just because he isn't as bad as your dad doesn't mean he is good.

A good man doesn't punch holes in doors.
A good man doesn't hit his children.
A good man doesn't see red and loose control.
A good man doesn't kick their wives.
-abusive men does.
A litte abuse is still abuse. Please leave-for your childrens sake at least.

Give him time. Am sure your father started this way too.

Our childhood experiences shape our current world perceptions, which is why unfortunately you can't see that he is as bad as your father, albeit it presents in a way that isn't identical. My stomach lurched when I got to the bit in your post where you reveal that your children have LD.... this somehow makes it darker as they are even more vulnerable than children without LD (obviously not saying it would be fine if they didn't have LD). People with LD are more likely to be abused due to their potentially more limited capacity/emotional understanding and people relying on the fact that they won't tell others (I know this from professional experience). You're facilitating your H's abuse of your children and forcing them to live in an environment where he abuses you. You're traumatising them on a daily basis. I think you're actually not reacting enough. Jogging is a fine way to manage stress if it's at a normal level, but he is a violent abuser, not just a man with a lot going on. Please protect your children.

He. hit. your. children. with. learning. disabilities. Even if you can't see anything else clearly, please, please see this. And leave.

Agree.
"It’s really just when he loses his temper and sees red and loses control."

Because he's hit them and you in the past ("not massively" is still hitting and unacceptable) - when he loses his temper and starts smashing things, it creates fear that he will hit them again even if he doesn't.

No one should have to live with that kind of fear.

He hit his kids, kids who have with learning difficulties.
I'm sorry but this is very hard to read, my body temperature went up by a thousand degrees. This is abhorrent. Hitting kids is never ok, but gosh kids with learning difficulties it just breaks my heart.

You have to leave and protect your kids and yourself.

Sweetheart, you need to leave.
The lack of safety for your children will affect them permanently, and they may repeat the pattern that you are already repeating.
He isn’t a brilliant father/husband/friend.
I bet he doesn’t attack anyone else does he? Because he controls himself, but he doesn’t with you and your children.
I know it’s very hard, but you have to put your children first.
Have you looked into the freedom programme?

I understand that having anger management issues must be difficult.

But protecting your children must come first. I have been with DH for over 20 years and he has always been a fantastic Dad to our two primary school aged children - if he ever raised a hand to either of them, that would be it for our relationship.

I was raised in a very angry household and it has done me a significant amount of emotional damage. It is irrelevant if my parents wanted to change - they didn’t and I live with the consequences.

To your knowledge he has hit the kids twice & sought no help, so how many more chances to do nothing does he get?

OP at the very least I beg you to explain to your dc that this isn't acceptable behaviour they're witnessing.

Otherwise they WILL grow up to think it's what they deserve and/or they'll do it to others.

The times I experienced violence like this as a child are burned into my memory and cannot be removed. The fact this is happening now makes me feel sick. You are responsible for protecting them.

Yes, it’s done to keep the rest of the household in line, alert to his mood and eager to appease and please, to avoid the rage. He doesn’t do it in other contexts because he wouldn’t get the same benefits.

a useful read: www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

See you in 6 months Op when your children are still being subjected to violence and you ask for more advice.

You are all not very nice.

And not helping atall

Maybe not, but we don't allow our 'nice' husbands to abuse our children or violently assault us. So, I'll take 'not being nice' and instead protect my child.

You’re clearly in complete denial that you have an abusive husband who hits your disabled children and thinks it’s ok to kick you and smash your house up because he’s angry! Stop making excuses for him and expecting people to agree with you, what you have written is terrible and it’s not ok. It should be your children you’re protecting not your angry husband. No matter what anyone says you’re clearly not going to take it on board.

It would not be nice to encourage you to stay with a man who is violent to his family. Nobody is going to advise you to do that, because it's not a reasonable thing to do. Unfortunately you are clearly not in a state of mind to accept that. I really really hope it doesn't take a ramping up of his violence to convince you. Those poor children

And you're deluded OP and I fear for you and especially your kids

Reread how he manages not to hit people out of your home op. As other posters rightly pointed out he reserves that for women and children that are at his mercy as in the home.

You realise you are modelling behaviour that your children like you will think is normal. Imagine in 20 years when if you have a DD she is being hit and thinks it ok or if you have a DS who thinks it is ok to hit his GF that is what you are storing up, generational trauma.

He is abusive.

My husband has never lost his temper and hit or kicked out.

Your DH can't even be bothered to do an anger management course, what the hell!

You're letting him abuse you and your poor kids. Get him out!

Even once is one time too many.