Am I overreacting?

[shipplywu]

A few months back when we were having an argument, my husband kicked me. Not massively hard, I wasn’t hurt, but he lashed out in anger/frustration.

Quite often when he loses his temper or gets angry with me in an argument, he’ll hit and kick walls, doors. There is a hole in one of the kitchen cabinets and one of the door from where this has happened.

On two occasions that I can remember clearly he has hit the children when he has got frustrated with them when they are kicking off/ tantrumming. This is in a decade. On one of those occasions the children in question told the teacher and my husband had to go into the school and talked to the headmaster about it..

This is within the context of him being a brilliant friend, husband and father the rest of the time. It’s really just when he loses his temper and sees red and loses control. More context is that we do have a stressful life because both the children have learning disabilities and take more care/patience than other children.

I’ve asked him to go to anger management and he refuses saying that I’m overreacting. He has taken up jogging though as a way to manage his stress.

I grew up with abusive violent father. I know he’s nothing like that. But I can’t help but feel triggered by the incidents that do happen.

Does this sound normal or am I overreacting by being worried and upset about it?

I’m overreacting YABU

i’m not over reacting YANBU

When was the last incident with the kids and you? Is the jogging helping him control his temper? What about having a sit down serious discussion with him in that if he doesn't get help for his anger you will be leaving because you can't keep raising the kids there.
I get it you don't want to leave there's a lot of love there and 97% of the time it's amazing but he does need to get help or you will have to go before it turns on you again and he needs to realise that.

How often do you think children can be hit for it to go from someone struggling to child abuse?

I've just read all your comments and the first thing you said was that he doesn't want help and doesn't think there's a problem. So that's another absolute problem. If it was a 'omg he lost control once and is horrified and has moved out while we figure out how to address it and he is trying all the therapy and maybe some anti anxiety drugs and can't stop crying and apologising' then I guess maybe there's a reason to work towards moving back in together. But otherwise I'm still going to say 'No and please protect your children'

I would also like to know this.

Its not normal and its not safe for you or your children. The fact it doesn't happen often and that he has good qualities are irrelevant, because the only safe relationship is where is doesn't happen at all. When he kicked you, one of two things was going on. Either he completely lost control of himself, which makes him a highly dangerous loose cannon; or he was in control and deliberately chose to hurt you. Which makes him a dangerous monster. He has assaulted you, he has assaulted your children, he destroys your home (as a substitute for assaulting you) and he won't take any steps to prevent himself doing it again. The only way to keep yourself and your children safe is to leave.

But in order to do so he needs to recognise there is also a line between being fine and his anger issue - if you can’t get him to recognise that then at some point you will have to decide whether you can live with this

becaise how old are your children - teenagers push buttons and if he can’t cope he will react and it will not end well

The trouble is though, your DH doesn’t think he has an anger management problem. He tells you it’s you overreacting. His behaviour isn’t normal, losing control in the way you describe is dangerous. He KICKED you. He HIT your children. It doesn’t matter whether you think he’s otherwise a good person, that behaviour is unacceptable.

Has he ever accepted that he has a problem? Has he ever apologised to you?

Hi OP,

People can change. My DH has. I think you need to deliver an ultimatum - and mean it - that either he goes (to therapy) or you go (from the marriage).

A parent not in control is terrifying and as he has the male physical advantage over you it is not acceptable for him to ever lose his temper to the point of violence.

He needs to understand that and unfortunately you need to also. Better than your father doesn't mean good enough.

The course of action I’m going to take is to insist he gets help and addresses it, starting by phoning the helpline I just rang. And to delete this thread as it’s been useful to help me realise I’m not over reacting but equally not helpful atall now. Thanks though everyone. Appreciate your concern and time x

I read this much when I decided you weren’t overreacting…

A few months back when we were having an argument, my husband kicked me.

WTF have i just read!

him being a brilliant friend, husband and father ?

he kicks you and he has hit the children ... he is none of the above and I would have him out straight away, do you want your children to grow up with an abusive father like you did, it's triggered you, what is it doing to them!

Occasions of abuse still makes the perpetrator abusive. If he can't control himself or his emotions, then he should only be around his children supervised. Seeing red doesn't negate the physical violence against children. Sorry, OP, but you're enabling him. I wonder does he lash out at other people that aren't his family when annoyed with them?

You won't find a way on here to get someone with anger problems to accept they have a problem and seek help, because a way doesn't exist. If being called into school for assaulting his children and seeing his wife hurting from the kick he gave her hadn't worked, then there's going to be no magic words people here can give you that'll be the charm. You don't want to have to leave, I understand, I really do. You're still at the point of thinking there's a cure for this one thing, without which everything is fine. Unfortunately, there very rarely is, because if a man doesn't see assaulting women and children as a huge taboo, if he hasn't absorbed the wrongness of that into his very being by the time he's an adult, its very very hard to change him. And if he's not already deeply ashamed and desperate to change, you've no chance at all.

What will you do if he refuses to take action?

I will cross that bridge when I come to it

There is, but the effects on children will be awful no matter what.

I’ve asked him to go to anger management and he refuses saying that I’m overreacting.

I told my DH that if he didn’t go to anger management we were divorcing. He didn’t get the option to refuse.

So you won’t leave then?

I hope you and your children survive this shitshow. They really don’t deserve this. And neither do you.

Only read the OP's posts but I can imagine the rest.

A pattern I've seen many times is when someone has grown up with extreme violence- daily acts, injuries etc they judge other situations as compared to that.

We all do it. It's a cognitive deficit in most people, not just this op or dv victims.

But it's really hard to then help dv victims in less severe cases than what they are expunge is abuse as they see abuse = their past experiences.

So let's not castigate the op.

We want women to come onto mn to ask for advice on dv.

No one can change their world view overnight on the say so of words on a screen from strangers.

It's good that op has recognised the abuse and is taking steps.

Leaving dv is a journey not a single event. Leaving suddenly without a robust safety plan is actually extremely dangerous.

Unless he's punching holes in things at work, and kicking the checkout person at Tesco's, he's not struggling with anger management. He can manage his anger when he wants to, or he'd be doing this stuff everywhere someone annoys him. He can manage his anger, he's choosing not to do so with you and your DCs

Your husband hits your disabled children 😳

What the actualy flying fuck. Did you even read the OP. It was just THERE. the OP mentions kids and the first thing you ask is are there kids involded

FFS i despair of this site sometimes

This has to be a joke post, you can’t REALLY be this thick.

We have a child with significant SEND. Never have we punched or kicked each other, the kids or inanimate objects.

Our patience gets tested multiple times a day.

This is not acceptable.

My quote was a deleted post and it seems it was deleted as I post and didn't quote... ignore that one above...

And to the OP - HE needs to be the one to recognise he needs help.
I can be a bit explosive, my dad was very explosive, but i have never hit the children or anyone. and I talked to my GP and there was a NHS run anger management course i went on and it gave me some hints. so i looked for help.

now i am more chill with the kids and internalise my anger at my not so D H and count the years until I can leave...

No. You are underreacting because of your experiences. Just because your father was worse does not mean that your husband is not bad enough to warrant leaving him. I'm truly sorry that your past experiences have led to you not realising that you don't stay with a man who kicks you, punches walls and hits your children, even if he only does it rarely.