Am I overreacting?

[shipplywu]

A few months back when we were having an argument, my husband kicked me. Not massively hard, I wasn’t hurt, but he lashed out in anger/frustration.

Quite often when he loses his temper or gets angry with me in an argument, he’ll hit and kick walls, doors. There is a hole in one of the kitchen cabinets and one of the door from where this has happened.

On two occasions that I can remember clearly he has hit the children when he has got frustrated with them when they are kicking off/ tantrumming. This is in a decade. On one of those occasions the children in question told the teacher and my husband had to go into the school and talked to the headmaster about it..

This is within the context of him being a brilliant friend, husband and father the rest of the time. It’s really just when he loses his temper and sees red and loses control. More context is that we do have a stressful life because both the children have learning disabilities and take more care/patience than other children.

I’ve asked him to go to anger management and he refuses saying that I’m overreacting. He has taken up jogging though as a way to manage his stress.

I grew up with abusive violent father. I know he’s nothing like that. But I can’t help but feel triggered by the incidents that do happen.

Does this sound normal or am I overreacting by being worried and upset about it?

I’m overreacting YABU

i’m not over reacting YANBU

You can point the obvious out with a bit of kindness. Like others have managed. OP is not responsible for his behaviour and it's entirely understandable that she can't see what we're all seeing, because her normal has always been skewed by her experiences.

He IS a violent abusive father. Stop comparing him to your own dad and making him out to not be as bad.

Your own kids are growing up to think it’s normal and so the cycle continues.

Read your posts back. You are minimising his behaviour throughout. It is NOT a brilliant friendship or relationship.

He is violent. Once or twice with the children is once or twice too often. That along with his other violent behaviour shows you are not protecting your children. You are teaching them that some level of violence is acceptable when there should be zero tolerance.

OP needs support, she's being abused. You can't expect someone with her upbringing to just up and leave, men who do that are great at persuading women they can't manage on their own.

You’re asking if you’re over reacting? @shipplywu You’re under reacting.

This behaviour is not ok. It doesn’t matter if it’s happening every day or a few times over a long period, it’s unacceptable.

He’s been violent to your children and to you and is happy to smash up your house.

Contact a women’s charity for some support and to help you see how not ok this is.

You are bringing your children up in the same environment you lived in.

Violence is so normalised because of your past you see a little bit as ok. I would have been out the door with the first incident. Sorry op he isn’t a good person and you should end the relationship. But this is when violence tends to escalate so you need plans in place to leave before any hint of you going.

Because of your father's behaviour, you are minimising your husband's behaviour because it isn't as bad. He is still being violent/abusive to his wife and children, just not as frequently as your father.

Your DH should be willing to do anything to make amends and stop this happening again. This includes anger management and any other type of therapy that would help. I think that you would benefit from therapy too, as your violent father has normalised abusive behaviour towards family members so you really need professional help to realise/accept that there is no acceptable level of violence and abuse.

OP, your relationship is far from brilliant if he's been violent. He's NOT a 'good' father if he's been violent to the children. There is ZERO excuse for violence.

If he’s not proactively seeking help for his anger issues then he’s not going to deal with them, or not deal with them effectively. Regardless of any of his other fine features, his behaviour is totally unacceptable and your children don’t need to live fear of his next “loss of control” moment. This may sound dramatic, but remember, every time there is a tragedy where the father did something to the family the headlines always speak about “it was such a shock, he seemed such a decent guy/husband/father” etc.
Don’t do anything rash, get advice, get your financial situation boxed off, and get him out.

You have been conditioned by your father.

Well done to your child for telling the teacher.
The teacher should have made a referral to SS.
You have been assaulted by him.
He is a violent man, just like your father.
You all deserve better.

This is what I think.

i honestly do know the difference between my husband and father. But I do worry about it and want him to get help.

Apologies, being autistic I tend to see the obvious and point it out.

I'm a teacher, and generally a very kind person and see so many traumatised children from unstable home environments that I put the needs of children above the emotions of adults.

This is not normal at all. And he's escalating. Next time the kick will be harder as he gradually erodes your boundaries. And he's doing the same with your children.

Takes a special kind of piece of shit to hit children with learning disabilities and kick women.

Fantastic father and your best friend huh.

Bet the disgusting coward has never squared up to another man in his life, can control his temper just fine in those situations.

Saddest thing is, your children had to tell the school because you didn’t do anything to help them, then neither did the school. Why on earth were SS not involved?

I can assure you, your husband is just like your father. Get your children away from him, it is your job to protect them. They have already lived with this for far too long.

Oh OP- you only think this is ok because the violence isn't as frequent as your father. You are using your childhood experience as some sort of yard stick to measure your husbands behaviour. The truth is that your husband is violent towards people who are vunerable and less able to fight back. Ask yourself this- would he lose his temper and kick or hit a man who was bigger than him if he got annoyed?
What kind of a man hits (any child) a child with learning difficulties? Honestly I feel sick when I read things like that.

I know it's hard for you because your idea of normal is very distorted but believe me, a normal healthy relationship does not operate like this.

Please seek help, you need to get away from this man.

On two occasions that I can remember clearly he has hit the children when he has got frustrated with them when they are kicking off/ tantrumming.

You may well only remember or witnessed two occasions but this doesn't mean that that's a full picture. Memory is a funny thing. My father was systematically beating me up but never in front of my mother. But the most interesting thing of all, I told that to my mum as an adult. She was shocked. A few years later I was talking to my aunt about it and my mum was in the earshot. Well, what do you know, she was shocked again as if it was the first time she heard this information. It's a normal trauma response to not notice and not "remember". But that doesn't mean it's not happening.

he has hit the children when he has got frustrated with them

WTF am I reading.

THE CHILDREN are the victims here!
No, they shouldn't be hit by an angry adult he lost his temper. That's abuse.

Your children are victim of domestic violence and are unsafe in what should be their safe place, with their safe adult.

it's never as simple as getting up and leave, but recognising it's domestic violence and abuse would be a big step forward and a good start.

This is abusive. Think about a boxing match. They're not allowed to kick, and they're not allowed in the ring with someone who isn't a very similar weight. So even in the most dangerous sport in the world it's not acceptable do why is it in your own safe space at home?

People who break things in anger cannot control themselves sufficiently not to hurt another person. It's escalated to the kick and next it'll be a punch, then broken limbs. Believe me I know.

Please consider getting rid of him. Before you need to go to the hospital.

He ‘quite often loses his temper’
Kicks you
Hits the kids!!
The school failed your children by not involving social services there and then and you’re failing them now by down playing it. I would have been gone the second he laid a finger on them.

When they are old enough you’ll be back here wondering why they have went no contact because they had a ‘brilliant childhood’. Make sure to remember they were hit and their mother did nothing.

No, he's not a brilliant father. He hits his children. It doesn't matter if it's once, or twice or a hundred times, he is a child abuser and I'm sorry, but you've enabled it.

So because it’s only happened once or twice that makes it ok then? Once is one time too many. You sound like you’re making excuses for him, he IS like your father and your children are witnessing ‘just a punch of a cupboard or a door’ a few times per year like that makes it ok! It’s abusive whether it’s happened once or 100 times. I really hope you can both get the help you need for your children’s sake.

My father was violent man. People thought he was wonderful. My mum was coerced, abused mentally & physically and reduced to feeling it was her job to try and fix him. He wasn't a bad man. She just needed to get the formula right and all would be okay. She was protecting us by bearing it all. Unbeknownst to her, he was systematically controlling & abusing us through his self-serving violent rage too. The difference is that the first occasion she saw him hit me, he was dead to her. She got us out and stayed out. You are not responsible for his actions and they are not your fault. Equally, you father's abuse is not your fault. But you need to get out and have at least a sniff at the life you and your children (whatever age) deserve. Please forget about anger management for him. Seek support for yourself (many organisations sign-posted already) immediately. Good luck and strength to you.

The first time he hit your child should have been the last. You should have left. It’s never just one time, it will happen again. Stop doing your children a disservice and take them away from that situation. You need to open your eyes and stop saying your husband is otherwise lovely. Lovely men don’t abuse their wife and children.

You are not overreacting, OP.
Certain animals ought to be culled.