Am I overreacting?

[shipplywu]

A few months back when we were having an argument, my husband kicked me. Not massively hard, I wasn’t hurt, but he lashed out in anger/frustration.

Quite often when he loses his temper or gets angry with me in an argument, he’ll hit and kick walls, doors. There is a hole in one of the kitchen cabinets and one of the door from where this has happened.

On two occasions that I can remember clearly he has hit the children when he has got frustrated with them when they are kicking off/ tantrumming. This is in a decade. On one of those occasions the children in question told the teacher and my husband had to go into the school and talked to the headmaster about it..

This is within the context of him being a brilliant friend, husband and father the rest of the time. It’s really just when he loses his temper and sees red and loses control. More context is that we do have a stressful life because both the children have learning disabilities and take more care/patience than other children.

I’ve asked him to go to anger management and he refuses saying that I’m overreacting. He has taken up jogging though as a way to manage his stress.

I grew up with abusive violent father. I know he’s nothing like that. But I can’t help but feel triggered by the incidents that do happen.

Does this sound normal or am I overreacting by being worried and upset about it?

I’m overreacting YABU

i’m not over reacting YANBU

Not overreacting at all. Even "just" the punching objects is abusive.

I assume he doesn't punch things or kick people at work, out shopping, other family members etc? It's designed to maintain control over you and I imagine there's more of a pattern here than you realise. You and the DC must be walking on eggshells at least at times, to avoid repeat behaviour ("let's not set Dad off"). Do you do more in the home or otherwise alter your behaviour so he doesn't get "stressed" and potentially kick off? I'd read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" (you can get it online as a free pdf if you google).

Also, he may be the best Dad/DH in the world but if 1% of the time is shit (abusive) then that's untenable. There's the analogy, if someone told you your drink had 1% dogs shit in it but don't worry, it's only a tiny proportion and you won't even taste it, would you still drink it?

I bet your Mum thought your Dad was a lovely husband and father at some point too. She likely would never have married him and had kids with him if he came out swinging on day 1.

A good husband and father isn’t someone who is really lovely 80% of the time but angry and violent 20% of the time. The absolute bare bare BARE minimum for a man to be a PASSABLE father and husband is that he never, and I mean ever, hits his wife or kids. That’s literally just asking a man not be break the law and physically abuse you and your children. I cannot begin to express how low a bar that is.

The fact that you have chosen to even make this post tells you that there is something inside of you screaming at you that this is wrong. You KNOW this is wrong. It doesn’t matter one iota if it is “less wrong” than what you father did.

@shipplywu How do you feel about your mothers failure to protect you from years of abuse?

You should have left the first time it happened.

So anyway, it sounds like you’re just going to wait until one of you is severely injured and then take action? Or maybe not even then.

I feel so sorry for your children.

I mean, it's easy for everyone on MumsNet to say "you need to up and leave" "can't you see what's happening?" especially because a) it's easier to type a blunt response & b) they haven't got a clue what your husband is like other than the information you've put

I can understand what you're saying in regard to him being otherwise an amazing person but it is a big flaw to have, including damaging property on a more frequent basis.

I think, like you suggested, he needs to go to anger management or counselling to really understand why his temper can get bad and what feelings he is suppressing. I imagine there is a lot more to it than him just feeling angry. It could be added pressures of work, trauma, lifestyle etc.

Having said that, in no way is his behaviour justifiable. Physical violence against you or your children (historically or present) is never "ok" and if you ever need to seek support, there are some great charities that will help.

Sending you lots of best wishes that you can seek some support and move forward however you decide to!

For those at the back:

❌ STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE MEN!! ❌

No @NavigatingAdulthood . Some of us know exactly what OPs husband and father are like.

That is why we are advocating she leaves.

Two women a week are killed in the UK due to DA. That’s just the deaths, tip of a gigantic iceberg.

I don't know if anyone else has pointed this out, but your husband is escalating.

He used to throw things and punch walls and doors (bar hitting the kids), but now he's kicked YOU.

If you let him get away with this, it WILL get worse. Even if he doesn't hurt you on a daily/weekly basis like your father, he will eventually be hurting you more and it is not acceptable.

What would you say to your daughter if she was in the same position in the years to come? Would you want her to have that in a husband?

I too had a horrifically violent stepfather who my mum didn't protect me from. She now pretends it never happened.

We all lose our temper. Me quite often after 6 years with no sleeping through! But I don't hit/throw/kick things or people. When it's too much for me, I leave the room and cool off. And i apologise, meaningfully, if i shout. My kids have a good dad who also is in control of his own temper.

Think on this op. If he did that to an animal, that would be animal abuse and he could be facing criminal proceedings. Why do you think it's OK to do it to a child?

Yes, some of you are offering true solutions and support. However, others are just using their ability to post anonymously to make the OP appear incapable of making decisions.

Kudos to those who are actually offering support rather than using certain language to make her feel inadequate!

I think your standards are just too low because of your father and the situation your grew up with skewing your perspective.
Your husband is better than him but still a violent and abusive person. Many abusers can be wonderful when they want to be.
A normal person does not lash out physically when angry even at inanimate objects but especially not at their children and wife.
Your husband is in the minority, his behaviour is not normal or acceptable but you have accepted and normalised it.
I would be out the door the first time my husband hit my child, he'd have to have therapy and anger management before I even considered letting my children anywhere near him again.
Your husband is not even meeting the bare minimum of acknowledging that he has an anger issue.

OP, you are not overreacting. You are underreacting.

Your husband has been physically violent to you and your children. You absolutely, 100% need to leave him. He is abusive and violent. He is not going to change.

Bloody hell, I’ve always relied on mumsnet to be pretty nuanced and give plenty of perspectives. Hoping for some more voices And perspectives about how to try and get someone with anger problems to accept they have a problem and seek help. Infact where can you even find help? Lots of places that help victims, none for anyone worried about their temper.

He’s not worried though is he? Or he would be addressing the situation himself.

Charity to Help Domestic Abuse Perpetrators | Respect Phoneline UK

There you go. The problem is that he needs to realise he has a problem in order to access the service, which he doesn't.

This, OP.
You don't see how bad it is because your own dad was worse.
But an explosive personality like your DH affects everyone around them. They never know when the next explosion is going to happen, just that it is going to happen at some point.
That's no way to live, for you or your children.
Your DH needs to realise how serious this is, so something needs to change. There must be consequences for his failure to get help. Who have you talked to IRL?
Frankly, if he was any kind of decent dad, he'd have got help when the school called him in.
Get plans in place to move out and if he won't get help, get out.

Just because your father hit you more and was abusive more often that doesn't make your husband not abusive.

He's obviously got anger issues and he doesn't want to do anything about it. You can't force him to get help, all you can do is protect yourself and your children.

No nuance needed when children are being physically abused.

thank you, that's very useful. I've just rang them and had a really good chat chat, full of nuance, understanding and help. I'm going to give him the number and hopeful it'll be a beneficial chat for him too.

A beneficial chat to stop a grown man from physically abusing his children. I hope it works, but in the meantime, what are you going to do to keep your poor children safe?

Walls & doors is really no better than you or the kids. It shows the same lack of control and he has no desire to fix this. Your children are watching you & learning what to expect in life - don't give them this example. Even if it is just a few times a year.

I can understand the impulse to draw a strong line, but some of you don't help at all. There is a difference between a basically good person struggling with anger management and a child abuser. If you insist that there isn't you're helping noone here, not least me or my children.

Did you not read the OP?!

Punching walls is a huge red flag. It'll be you next.

Did you not read this posters updates?!

It doesn't really matter if it's once or every day - violence is a red line. Once it happens and you stay, it will happen again. And the best case scenario is that you and the children are anxious about it happening every single day of your life together.

Leave. Now. And take the kids. You aren't safe.