Am I overreacting?

[shipplywu]

A few months back when we were having an argument, my husband kicked me. Not massively hard, I wasn’t hurt, but he lashed out in anger/frustration.

Quite often when he loses his temper or gets angry with me in an argument, he’ll hit and kick walls, doors. There is a hole in one of the kitchen cabinets and one of the door from where this has happened.

On two occasions that I can remember clearly he has hit the children when he has got frustrated with them when they are kicking off/ tantrumming. This is in a decade. On one of those occasions the children in question told the teacher and my husband had to go into the school and talked to the headmaster about it..

This is within the context of him being a brilliant friend, husband and father the rest of the time. It’s really just when he loses his temper and sees red and loses control. More context is that we do have a stressful life because both the children have learning disabilities and take more care/patience than other children.

I’ve asked him to go to anger management and he refuses saying that I’m overreacting. He has taken up jogging though as a way to manage his stress.

I grew up with abusive violent father. I know he’s nothing like that. But I can’t help but feel triggered by the incidents that do happen.

Does this sound normal or am I overreacting by being worried and upset about it?

I’m overreacting YABU

i’m not over reacting YANBU

He is exactly like your father.

How can you not see it?

You need to leave.

You’re under-reacting.

He is like your dad op. He’s exactly like that.

Hit the children,ffs sort it out

So you've chosen to have children with a man just like your father!

Stop being a doormat and put your children first. It is NOT OK to lose your shit like that and see red.

Think what it was like growing up with an abusive father, then think what it's like for your own kids to live in a house with someone who sees red and punches doors. As he has hit them previously, then they will be fearful he will do it again.

So you TELL him that either he goes to anger management classes, or he leaves the relationship.

Read the OP.

It's not okay. Is he persuading you that you're sensitive to violence because of your father?

OP you're not over reacting. He is exactly like your dad and is abusive.

It won't get better unfortunately, I left for the sake of my children, I would really think hard about doing the same.

He kicked you and has hit the children? And you are questioning if this is ok? You need to leave him. He is abusive and refusing to get proper help. I suggest he moves out and until he sorts out proper therapy you only allow supervised contact with the children.

You've allowed your children to be abused and done nothing? Sound.

Easy, OP is a victim here, and men like her father and husband are experts at distorting the victim's perception of the situation. You aren't helping.

I don't think this sounds normal at all. It sounds incredibly stressful and upsetting.
I think he has to go to the anger management course. He's deflecting his bad behaviour on to you by telling you you're over reacting and making you question yourself! You are not over reacting.. there are holes in your kitchen and he has kicked you. HE is the one under reacting about his own behaviour.
",He's only kicked me once," is such an upsetting statement and could easily turn into "it was just a slap," "he didn't mean to push me/strangle me."
If you want to stay with him- and it sounds like you do at the minute, I think he has to do the anger course to at least make an attempt at understanding/controlling his outbursts.
Good luck, hope things get better.

The only acceptable amount of violent behaviour towards your wife and children is none. He was called into the school to explain himself after his child disclosed his violence to a teacher. He should be utterly mortified and hanging his head in shame and doing everything he can, including anger management and therapy, to make sure that it never happens again.

He isn't willing to do this so it isn't safe for you and the children to stay with him.

The fact your DC went into school and told his teacher about being hit by your H should be enough of a wake up call that you really need to get yourself and your children away from this violent man.

She said he has hit the children

It really is though within the context of a brilliant friendship relationship and father. It really is just when he loses his temper. And in the 15 years I’ve known him it really is just what I’ve said twice with the kids once with me and a few times a year against walls and doors he really is nothing like my father. I know I grew up with that I saw it that was violence and anger a daily weekly basis.

OP, I spent A LOT of time trying to convince myself that the man I married was nothing like my dad. Not remotely! No way! There was a lot of denial in me because I felt guilty for repeating a pattern without even realising it.
Please please choose your kids here, and don't let yourself get away with "but he's a brilliant dad." He isn't. You can't be the best mum you can be whilst he's around. His temper is awful and you don't know what he'll be capable of when the kids are teens and pushing his buttons.

I appreciate the OP is also a victim, but sometimes it needs the obvious pointing out.

Victims are often very good at making excuses for perpetrators ("brilliant friend, husband" etc...) and struggle to see the bigger picture.