Please help with advice before I ruin my marriage.

[PeonyPops]

my OH have been together since we were 14. On and off and then properly together since I was 17. We have 4 kids, 16,14,8 & 2.

We have lead very boring, normal lives until this few months. Pour everything into our kids.
He was a massive gamer. I don’t really have any hobbies I just enjoy spending time with my kids.

OH is very good looking I am not. I am v insecure anyway and always have been - ie no mirrors in my house any where other than for brushing teeth.
I have got much worse the more kids I’ve had an my weight increased.
My OH has loved me in every stage of life, from skinny, through a mental breakdown, while I was bigger than I am now. Always. We don’t fight or argue. Kids have what they want. I am a SAHM, he works.

Lasy year he started playing football. He LOVES football. So I didn’t care at all. Two nights a week after work. But he only does the later kick offs so he comes home to see the kids after work and gets ready. The little ones are in bed.

Last month he told me he’d like to join a gym. And I have spiralled into such a depression about it I’m not sure how to get out of it. I just cry every single day.

At first I was very worried about him becoming addicted to the gym. With the football too, I was so worried he would make the gym his whole life and personality. Then insecurity started eating me alive. I am very active and I don’t eat badly but am quite overweight.
I started calorie counting over a couple of weekends a go, and teamed with crippling anxiety and depression it’s falling off me because I have no appetite at all and prob only eating 500 calories a day at a push.
Iv gone from 15 stone 2 to 14 stone 6 in just over a week.

I think my main anxiety is over him becoming addicted to it. Getting big and muscular (which I don’t like personally) just becoming vein, and then realising I’m just so ugly and fat and he can do so much better.

The anxiety is eating me alive and making me so ill.
he reassures me constantly, he doesn’t understand my viewpoint that his feeling for me will change as he changes. He actually cried at the weekend at what a mess I am and continually tells me he will stop going. But that’s not what I want at all. Even though it is.
I know this issue is all mine. It’s in my head. And he deserves to be able to go the the bloody gym.. I would never ask him to stop doing something he enjoys. But how do I sort my head out before I ruin our whole relationship. I literally don’t know who I am with out him. Iv felt like we’re one person our whole lives and now he is suddenly separate from me. I feel like he’s growing and changing as a person and I’m still here the same old. I keep thinking I should get a hobby but I have AuDHD and I hate socialising. This whole thing has pushed me to start using a treadmill so I can keep up with his new life when I’m fact I hate exercise with a passion.
Does anyone please have any advice without having a go at me. I asked on Reddit and got torn to shreds.

we’re both 37 by the way.

he said to me yesterday ‘why don’t keep saying we’re now on different paths in life when every path leads me to you’ and I just about lost the plot. I can’t keep doing this anymore to him.

Gosh I'm not sure what support i can offer but maybe you need to go to the doctor or a councillor for your anxiety.

Honey, I say this as kindly as I can and with a lot of concern for you.
You need therapy. Lots of it. Starting now.

I don't say that because I want to kick you while you're down. I'm a therapist myself and I've just read so many incredibly concerning things in your post.
Let me be very clear in saying that the crisis you're going through right now is not going to be resolved by your husband. Whether he goes to the gym or not, pays football or not, the root of your unhappiness is deep inside you. And the only place it can be heeled, is within you.
You have, as far as I can tell from your post, a loving, kind, understanding husband who loves you for who you are and thinks you're beautiful, regardless of your weight. You have a husband who has been with you since you were teenagers, who has chosen to have a family with you, who is now supporting this family in his own way while you carry your family in your way. This seems like a wonderful partnership. Nothin here should cause you to be this insecure. Which means your insecurity comes from within. He's not the cause, nor the solution.

Please, get some help for yourself. You're living in a nightmare inside your own head and it doesn't have to be this way. You have a beautiful life and a beautiful family. How wonderfuil would it be if you could actually enjoy it?

You should make an appointment with your GP. See if you're peri or lacking vitamins which may be contributing to your feelings.

You can read up and try and improve your self esteem. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is good.

When was the last time you had a break? Do you get any exercise or out into nature?

You can also try therapy. You can find therapists at BACP.

Gently this sounds like a “you” issue. You’ve said yourself that your partner is a great dad and husband.

Your world doesn’t sound too big being a stay at home mum and seeing your husband expanding what he does is the polar opposite of how much you have in your life.

It’s lovely that you’ve been so dedicated to your children but it sounds as if you’ve lost yourself along the way.

How is your social life/friend situation? I would be making an effort to get out more. Try a few new hobbies or something like regular swimming etc and if you can afford it get some counselling, your self esteem doesn’t seem to be great and that would help all round.

OP, you need to learn to believe your husband when he says, “every path leads me to you”. That’s a lovely thing for him to have said. I don’t think going to the gym means he will end up big and muscly - he probably just wants to feel a bit healthier. You have children from two to sixteen, and I’m sure that his family is very important to him. The problem is your lack of self-esteem - I think you need to get counselling to make you feel better about yourself. Your DH has chosen you, so rejoice in the fact - and be a loving wife in return, who thinks enough of herself to make an effort for him by way of believing in yourself. You will make yourself ill, and upset your DH if you carry on chewing yourself up like this - so get some help. I have no doubt that you are a lovely person and a lovely mum - you just need to believe it for yourself.

Go to your GP and ask if you can be medicated for your anxiety, then look for a therapist. You need to seek help asap. You've got together young and had 4 kids - maybe you haven't really explored your identity?

Once your anxiety has been reduced - you can explore who you are and who you want to be. Your LO is not far off nursery age - this may give you the time to explore avenues of activity not centred on your family.

Focus first on your mental health, then you can look at your weight in a healthy way.

I know this is all me. And it’s eating me up alive knowing that he is worried to death about me. I have a GP appt next week and will ask for therapy. I’d just like to go a whole morning without crying. Thank you.

You need counselling my lovely. You need proper professional help with your anxiety and to build up your self esteem. You are eating way too little, you will make yourself extremely unwell. You need to stop trying to lose weight whilst you are in this frame of mind. Carry on eating so little, and with your MH, you could end up with an eating disorder. Seek help for your mental health, that's your priority, not losing weight. Once you are in a better frame of mind, then it's time to think of your fitness. Break the issues down into small chunks. You are overthinking, due to your anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. Not every person who likes going to the gym or working out at home, becomes obsessed or has a personality transplant making them vain - this is your mind working overtime, imagining all kinds of scenarios. I know many people who actually go to the gym for the primary reason of the fact it helps their own mental health! The fitness part, is secondary for them! Get yourself out of the house, go for walks a few times per day, take your youngest, when the older ones are at school. Walking will help clear you mind, gives you some fresh air, and the exercise will help your fitness too. Keep talking to your husband, don't lose that communication with him. He can support you, but he can't help you, only you can do that.

My world is him and my kids. I know a lot of people. I even went on holiday once and still bumped into someone I knew. But I don’t have any friends. Well I have lots of friends but I have absolutely no interest in seeing them in social situations. Quick chat on the school run, some snap chats and a baby group or two is about as willing I as I am for social interaction. I can do lots of things. I make reborn dolls, and wax melts. Hairbows and accessories. I am very crafty and have lots of little hobbies but they’re all in the house so I can be with my kids. It’s honestly the only place I am happy. There is just nothing at all that interests me in leaving theme
he always says I should get a hobby, but I don’t want one. I just honestly want things to be how the always we’re. He would game. We would chill, get some nice lil snacks watch a movie, take the kids out. That’s pretty much the life I’ve had for 20 years now and it’s changing and I hate it. I know the issue is all me.

You post about your whole life changing etc... he just wants to go to the gym occasionally??
Surely you see you need actual professional help here?

@Girlmom35 Thank you for the lovely helpful post you have written for @PeonyPops

OP pls understand what @Girlmom35 has said to you & I would suggest you read it a couple of times for it to sink in. I echo everything said but would suggest that you start going for a walk even if you can only do a short time at first. It will do you a world of good and I am speaking from experience.

Your relationship with your husband sounds very strong & one thing you can do is to ask your husband to join you on the wknds.

He isnt going anywhere so pls don’t catastrophise. Yes you have lost weight but now see it as a way to get healthier. You can take the kids to the park after school and just doing a little bit here & there will help you. Like you said your diet isn’t the problem sounds like you just need to get more active. I had & still continue to have the exact same issue however my chronic health condition is what has stopped me from increasing my mobility.

Your daily walk is a bit of me time. You don’t need to socialise but you never know you might meet other people who go on daily walks.

Tell your GP how you are feeling and get the help they suggest.

Above all pls pls be kind to yourself. It may feel like it’s just becoming all too much but it won’t always feel like that.

Pls reach out anytime if you want to talk or rant even. It is good to talk & it’s much easier with strangers 🤗 as they are able to be objective.

Are your 16 or 14 yo boys? Dh was always very into exercise, but his gym certainly ramped up a few notches when his boys reached puberty. He really wanted to be the kind of father who can keep up with doing the things his boys enjoy doing in the long run, and that means staying as fit as he can for as long as he can, and seeing them become the same height as him really made him sit up and take notice.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that fathers of girls can't feel that way too, I just don't have any experience of it so can't comment on that front.

If you want to lose weight stop buying crisps, pastries cakes and biscuits and stop drinking sweet drinks (stick to tea, coffee, water). If the children are hungry they can have toast. It will help you feel better too. Try making homemade bread and dinners with lots of veg. You might be in perimenopause which can affect your mental health. Go for a little walk every day and look for some volunteering for when your youngest starts preschool

He probably wants to go to gym to help his football improve. Or realised he loves exercise. Personally I'd be delighted if my husband swapped gaming for gym and football!! You should definitely start a hobby too though. Getting out will help your anxiety too

These two ladies have given you EXCELLENT advice OP, so many of us have had dark dark days and it does feel like you are drowning and all you hold dear is slipping away from you…. But it’s not true! You probably need medical intervention at this stage- as in medication to regulate your negative thoughts, your youngster is 2 you may have undiagnosed PPD and as a past sufferer I can see parallels between your thoughts and my experiences. Please just be brave and seek a drs appointment as soon as you can. Your H sounds wonderful and will support you in whatever comes next to help you overcome this. Good luck xx

He was going 3 times a week so ;
Mon - Gym then work and then football
Tue nothing
wed gym
Thur football
Friday gym.

but I did ask him to knock the Monday gym on the head yesterday and suggested
mon football
tue gym
wed day off
thur football
Friday gym

because on Mondays I am one my own the with kids all day then . And night too. I felt this was reasonable to ask but now I feel guilty.

he goes to the gym at 6 - leaves at 5.45am. Then goes straight to work.
Home from work at 5.45 ish and then was leaving 7.30 for football. I just felt it was too much for one day. Have I been unreasonable here?

Obviously he isn’t changing my life now. But, my catastrophic brain says he will want another day because he will love it so much, then he will want every week day. And cut into the small time he has with the kids at the weekend wanting to go then too. And then he will gain muscle, even though he’s told me he’s not there for that. He wants primarily to be stronger for football.
but then he will look at himself and wonder what he’s doing with me….

and it goes on. I wish I could stop my brain doing this.

This sounds like it’s destined to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your chronic anxiety over him leaving you/finding someone better will only push him away, thus making the chances of those things happening all the more likely.

As others say, you should definitely seek help quickly for your issues.

OP I would go to therapy, but choose one who knows about autistic and ADHD women. You mention this almost in passing but I think it's important. You've had a life where you could keep things calm, stay home, do crafts etc and maybe even the idea of changing is giving you some panic related to autistic rigidity or something. And if you are peri menopausal age that is often when hormones make these ND conditions present as more troublesome to you.

I don't know if it's right to medicate you for "anxiety" or for you to have support relating to your actual ND needs.

It sounds as though you and DH are giving your DC a lovely life. It's time for you to invest in you for a bit. Not only will therapy ease your troubles, but it will take some worries of your DH's shoulders too. It will strengthen your relationship.

Please ask your GP to refer you for therapy when you see them next week. Or if the wait list is too long, could you get a short term part time job (one or eves a week?) to pay for private.

Thank you. I don’t drive so I actually do walk a lot. I do 20,000 steps a day averagely. I’m always outside. I found it helps my mental health a lot. I’m not unfit at all. He always tells me I’m not fat. But I am. I am 202lb now and have massive boobs (H cup) so wear an 18 generally. He sees no issues in my body at all. I’m worried that will change as his body changes.

this is exactly why I am seeking advice and looking for help.

It seems that there are a few things going on.
You are anxious about the changes happening.
You are anxious about your weight.
You are anxious because you feel he is better looking than you.
You are anxious that his looks are going to improve further with all the exercise he is now getting.

It would be unfair of you to try to stop him going to football or the gym, although I think you have done the right thing in asking him to drop one of these sessions. You have young children, so it's not fair of him to be out doing his hobbies 6 times per week really.
You have lost weight this week. Has that made you feel any better about yourself? Although it's been drastic, and bought about by your anxiety and low mood, how do you feel about continuing in a more sustainable way? Would it help you to feel better about yourself, and more confident in your appearance if you lost some weight?
What do you do together as a couple, away from the children? Could you aim to do something together, just the two of you, weekly or every couple of weeks? Cinema, a meal out, pub, a walk together, paintballing or swimming or whatever? I think if you could reconnect as just a couple, you may feel more confident in your relationship as a couple.

You need to be able to believe in yourself more. You need to try to make those necessary changes to help you do that.

Ah that lovely intrusive thoughts and catastrophising that can go hand in hand with auDHD. Are you medicated at all? My ADHD meds quieten that stupid, negative noise in my head. When it's really bad, sometimes I need antidepressants as it can tip me over into depression. I also take beta blockers for moments of anxiety.

There's probably a big part of this being about change in your cosy routine. It takes time to process it and is incredibly anxiety inducing, when everything was just perfect how it was.

I know that nothing I can say about how much that man loves you will make a difference. It needs to come from inside you to realise that actually, you're a lovely person and what the scales say do not define you.

Go and speak to that GP. Write stuff down if it's hard to verbalise.

F

Call your GP today, or make a call to start private therapy if that is in budget.

You need to start tackling this otherwise it won’t be the gym, football, or weight loss that kills your relationship it will be you.