Please help with advice before I ruin my marriage.

[PeonyPops]

my OH have been together since we were 14. On and off and then properly together since I was 17. We have 4 kids, 16,14,8 & 2.

We have lead very boring, normal lives until this few months. Pour everything into our kids.
He was a massive gamer. I don’t really have any hobbies I just enjoy spending time with my kids.

OH is very good looking I am not. I am v insecure anyway and always have been - ie no mirrors in my house any where other than for brushing teeth.
I have got much worse the more kids I’ve had an my weight increased.
My OH has loved me in every stage of life, from skinny, through a mental breakdown, while I was bigger than I am now. Always. We don’t fight or argue. Kids have what they want. I am a SAHM, he works.

Lasy year he started playing football. He LOVES football. So I didn’t care at all. Two nights a week after work. But he only does the later kick offs so he comes home to see the kids after work and gets ready. The little ones are in bed.

Last month he told me he’d like to join a gym. And I have spiralled into such a depression about it I’m not sure how to get out of it. I just cry every single day.

At first I was very worried about him becoming addicted to the gym. With the football too, I was so worried he would make the gym his whole life and personality. Then insecurity started eating me alive. I am very active and I don’t eat badly but am quite overweight.
I started calorie counting over a couple of weekends a go, and teamed with crippling anxiety and depression it’s falling off me because I have no appetite at all and prob only eating 500 calories a day at a push.
Iv gone from 15 stone 2 to 14 stone 6 in just over a week.

I think my main anxiety is over him becoming addicted to it. Getting big and muscular (which I don’t like personally) just becoming vein, and then realising I’m just so ugly and fat and he can do so much better.

The anxiety is eating me alive and making me so ill.
he reassures me constantly, he doesn’t understand my viewpoint that his feeling for me will change as he changes. He actually cried at the weekend at what a mess I am and continually tells me he will stop going. But that’s not what I want at all. Even though it is.
I know this issue is all mine. It’s in my head. And he deserves to be able to go the the bloody gym.. I would never ask him to stop doing something he enjoys. But how do I sort my head out before I ruin our whole relationship. I literally don’t know who I am with out him. Iv felt like we’re one person our whole lives and now he is suddenly separate from me. I feel like he’s growing and changing as a person and I’m still here the same old. I keep thinking I should get a hobby but I have AuDHD and I hate socialising. This whole thing has pushed me to start using a treadmill so I can keep up with his new life when I’m fact I hate exercise with a passion.
Does anyone please have any advice without having a go at me. I asked on Reddit and got torn to shreds.

we’re both 37 by the way.

he said to me yesterday ‘why don’t keep saying we’re now on different paths in life when every path leads me to you’ and I just about lost the plot. I can’t keep doing this anymore to him.

He always tells me I’m not fat.

So you must be asking him a lot for him to say this.

Honestly OP I couldn’t be with a man who was this needy/needed constant reassurance.

You know that if you carry on he will end up leaving you.

Go to the GP and try and get therapy.
But in the meantime simply stop saying these things to him.

If you thought he or your child was getting a bit chubby or looking a bit ugly, you wouldn’t say anything to them because you know it would hurt their feelings. So you can control what comes out of your mouth.

These sorts of statements will be hurting his feelings, dragging him down and affecting his MH.
So stop acting so needy and stop saying these things, even if inside you think them.

You need professional help and right now you’re doing nothing but making yourself come across as very unattractive (regardless of what you look like).

I can’t tell you how much I needed to read some of these replies. This has sat in my head ruminating for two weeks. Other than talking to DH I don’t have anyone else really. Not very close with my mum now and I don’t have anyone I’d leave my kids with other than DH. I posted this same sort of thing on Reddit and got called Hitler, and got told so many times he would get stacked and leave anyway if he wanted to because I would be weighing him down.

made me worse. But I’m so glad I reached out in here.
I had a telephone GP appt today as felt this whole thing was hormone driven but she heard me cry on the phone and told me to come in Tuesday so hopefully they will offer counselling. I did have some years ago but I never really suffered badly with my self esteem until recently although Iv always had issues. It was focussed more on my obsessive thoughts around a health anxiety related breakdown I had in 2016.

you’re all the best genuinely xx

Actually our sex life is better than it’s ever been right now lol. He constantly tells me in attractive, he always tells me I’m beautiful. He will love me no matter what I weigh. He says I’m not fat because he sees me trying things he knows I don’t like really to get in shape so in my irrational head he doesn’t leave. He tells me I don’t need to loose weight. And he definitely doesn’t want me to loose weight on his behalf. Although if I want to, he would support me. Just like he does in everything else. I’m the AH here i don’t really need reminding.

I am your dh in this situation I decided one day I couldn’t go on living half life. I am now fit, 3 stone lighter and by most people’s reactions looking so much better for it. I know my dh is unnerved by the changes. I have changed my outlook, wardrobe, house, choices. I wouldn’t dream of leaving my dh. I am doing this for me, not him

I was just about to say hormone driven!
I found myself uncharacteristically weepy at everything, day trip with money in the bank, good health, etc tipped me over the edge.
I went on HRT, which smoothed things out but like you I was young, maybe the pill might be better.
I suspect after four kids your body has lost track of normal. Best wishes.

I agree that counselling will help.

i hear this all the time from him too. He has a lovely body anyway. He’s lean and muscular but not big. He’s very toned and fit. I’m just worried what has started as getting in shape for football with change everything about him. And I love him just the way he is xx

You sound depressed and I agree therapy is the way forward. You sound very creative, you say you don’t have hobbies but listed so many things you make and do.
Speak to your GP for a referral.

Yes see the GP but carve out time for yourself and get a hobby. The one thing that stuck out from your post was that you have no hobby and live for your kids..... that's not healthy. It's also not a great example for them. Live for yourself.

I have an appt next week to have a bloody test to look for a hormone inbalance. It feels like the week before your period or that horrible day 5 after having a baby and you are crying and crying and have no idea why. I had Covid recently and this has all come on since then. The period after was very light. And my hormones are all over the place. I actually made the appt for birth control but I don’t want to take them without knowing if I already have too much of one and then add to it, iykwim.

You are emotionally blackmailing that man into not getting healthier because you don't like yourself. Stop it immediately it's emotional abuse.

Iv had to talk to my 8 year old because she keeps saying he’s abandoning her to go to football. My children have never ever heard any discussions about what’s going on in my head/relationship so I know it’s not from me. And I’ve discussed that it’s good for daddy to have a hobby! But if she feels like this with his football I don’t want to really add to that at the moment.

Your world sounds very small and very limited.

What about when your kids are older and not dependent on you? Your identity sounds very caught up in your role as mum and being at home.

I agree with all the suggestions for therapy and it's good that you're recognising this is having an effect on your DH and isn't healthy.

I also suggest slowly and gradually expanding your world and doing things out of the home for yourself when you can.

"I can’t keep doing this anymore to him"

You're right. Your insecurities are hurting both of you, and the relationship. Going to the gym is a very normal everyday activity. If he stayed in and gamed all the time, it wouldn't be good for his long term health.

Time to seek mental health support, combined with self-help, and commit to working on your own healing. It's not fair on him that he's your only supporter.

I never said he couldn’t go, I haven’t asked him to stop. I have actively encouraged him to go. The issue is mine and I wouldn’t stop him going. I’m trying to deal with my issue as best I can.

I don't know really but it sounds like your husband gets very involved his interests at the time - super gamer then really loves football now wants to go to the gym a number of times a week..it just seems quite a lot of outside activities to me especially with 4 children at home who you deal with a lot. I get that you love marriage and parenting and it sounds like it suits your personality plus all your hobbies are within the home environment but it means your life is in a little bubble whereas his definitely isn't. He has work and a social life and also the benefits of a family. I agree about the Councillors though, as a PP said you've been dependent on him since you were 14 was it? and you need to find out who you are exactly and not just continue as an extension of the family as great as they all sound. I wish you the best.

I joined a knit and natter group and was made very welcome. I don't know if you could manage with a 2 year old but I really look forward to the weekly meetings. They are a lovely bunch of ladies and it's not just knitting. Some crochet or sew.

Maybe something like this could help a little.

Just to add - research shows that Nd women have a higher incidence of PMDD which could also be a contributing factor.

I am so proud of you for writing this brutally honestly. It would have been easy to pretend he shouldn’t go to the gym and football because of parenting responsibilities. It’s also good to know other women feel like this. I struggle when my Oh goes to the gym, I am smart enough to know it ridiculous but I cannot help it and I don’t even like him very much 😂

I am fully aware that I think therapy is the way forward with this, you’ve been a Mum almost all your life (like me) and you lose yourself. It’s the same with friends, I think you know (like me) that you should cultivate friendships but don’t really want to (like me).

Let me say I doubt you are ugly and it sounds like he fancies and loves you so that’s brilliant.

The only thing that has helped me with these feelings (can’t afford therapy) is to lose weight (I was a lot more overweight than you) by exercising as it gives me a feel good buzz and I have tried to make time for people that want to be my friend (meeting for coffee etc but not all the time) because it’s good to talk to someone other than your other half. I have bought myself new clothes and take more time to do my hair and nails etc and it has made a massive difference.

I’m sorry you feel like this and I hope you can get past it. I find when I’m not working I struggle, could you manage a PT job? Something to get you out of the house and make you feel like you’ve achieved something?

I am massively aware that some people don’t have child care etc or the money to buy new clothes etc so I apologise if they’re not things you can do but they’ve helped me.

hes actually looking into getting a home gym. So he can be here but I’m not sure how to approach this because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. And with my intrusive thoughts around this whole thing, I find that judgment hard. I would love him to have a home gym! He’s home with us then. But is that me holding him back and not letting him grow in the way he wants. Is he just saying this to pull me out of this hole I’ve got myself in.

football isn’t a new hobby he’s done it on and off his whole life.
the gym he goes to is free with work and wants to go to help his fitness in football as sometimes playing against kids my daughters age lol and he wants to keep up. My worry is it will evolve from there. I have an appt with GP next week, to try and get a lid on this.

Hi OP, it sounds like you have a history of anxiety (you mention health anxiety in the past?). I’ve had similar issues and it helped me to realise that, to put it bluntly, your brain is not working properly at the moment. It’s feeding you distortions and lies.

other posters are right to suggest therapy, and CBT helped me a lot. But I just wanted to add that medication has also helped me a lot in calming down the intrusive thoughts. I don’t know if I could have benefitted fully from therapy if I hadn’t had antidepressants as well to take the edge of the anxiety. So if the GP suggests medication to you, I would seriously consider it. It’s a game changer for a lot of people.

I definitely think you should seek some help for your mental health. Try therapy. You could also try joining him when he’s going to the gym and make it a hobby both of you do

I think you need help for the anxiety and intrusive thoughts but....I also think it's unfair of your dh to be taking that much time away from his family effectively leaving you stranded home alone with the kids. When does he see the kids during the week?

I wouldn't be happy if dh was out at work all day every day and then going to the gym/football, getting home at dcs bedtime. No, sirree.

Why is it always the men who get to have all these extra curricular activities? Would he be happy if you had two evenings a week for a hobby and he had two? It all seems pretty unequal to me.

OP - you need to start getting some hobbies and getting equal time out of the house. It'll do you the world of good. Swimming? Craft club? There's a sewing club near me. Doing some physical exercise will be hard at first but then you'll probably start enjoying it.

It doesn't really matter what you do - just get out of the house!

If you genuinely want to get help for your issues then you need to start being honest with yourself.

Him trying to be healthier is a good thing.

It’s coming across as though you want to keep him at a certain level because you’re worried that if he gets too much confidence then he will leave you.
And that is an abusive mindset.

OP just from reading from your posts I can tell that he loves you.
You might not think of yourself as beautiful but according to him you are perfect as you are. He chosed you to be his wife and mother of his children and he still wants to be with you. This will not change just because he started going to the gym. He clearly is with you because he values you not because he didn't have other options.

It's great that you take so much joy from spending time with your children and husband however it's never a good idea to put all our eggs in one basket. I would really encourage you to find something just for you , even small. Widening our horizons can have great benefits for our confidence and mental health.