Please help with advice before I ruin my marriage.

[PeonyPops]

my OH have been together since we were 14. On and off and then properly together since I was 17. We have 4 kids, 16,14,8 & 2.

We have lead very boring, normal lives until this few months. Pour everything into our kids.
He was a massive gamer. I don’t really have any hobbies I just enjoy spending time with my kids.

OH is very good looking I am not. I am v insecure anyway and always have been - ie no mirrors in my house any where other than for brushing teeth.
I have got much worse the more kids I’ve had an my weight increased.
My OH has loved me in every stage of life, from skinny, through a mental breakdown, while I was bigger than I am now. Always. We don’t fight or argue. Kids have what they want. I am a SAHM, he works.

Lasy year he started playing football. He LOVES football. So I didn’t care at all. Two nights a week after work. But he only does the later kick offs so he comes home to see the kids after work and gets ready. The little ones are in bed.

Last month he told me he’d like to join a gym. And I have spiralled into such a depression about it I’m not sure how to get out of it. I just cry every single day.

At first I was very worried about him becoming addicted to the gym. With the football too, I was so worried he would make the gym his whole life and personality. Then insecurity started eating me alive. I am very active and I don’t eat badly but am quite overweight.
I started calorie counting over a couple of weekends a go, and teamed with crippling anxiety and depression it’s falling off me because I have no appetite at all and prob only eating 500 calories a day at a push.
Iv gone from 15 stone 2 to 14 stone 6 in just over a week.

I think my main anxiety is over him becoming addicted to it. Getting big and muscular (which I don’t like personally) just becoming vein, and then realising I’m just so ugly and fat and he can do so much better.

The anxiety is eating me alive and making me so ill.
he reassures me constantly, he doesn’t understand my viewpoint that his feeling for me will change as he changes. He actually cried at the weekend at what a mess I am and continually tells me he will stop going. But that’s not what I want at all. Even though it is.
I know this issue is all mine. It’s in my head. And he deserves to be able to go the the bloody gym.. I would never ask him to stop doing something he enjoys. But how do I sort my head out before I ruin our whole relationship. I literally don’t know who I am with out him. Iv felt like we’re one person our whole lives and now he is suddenly separate from me. I feel like he’s growing and changing as a person and I’m still here the same old. I keep thinking I should get a hobby but I have AuDHD and I hate socialising. This whole thing has pushed me to start using a treadmill so I can keep up with his new life when I’m fact I hate exercise with a passion.
Does anyone please have any advice without having a go at me. I asked on Reddit and got torn to shreds.

we’re both 37 by the way.

he said to me yesterday ‘why don’t keep saying we’re now on different paths in life when every path leads me to you’ and I just about lost the plot. I can’t keep doing this anymore to him.

I think this is a mh issue and really could be hormonal. You've had four children and could have an early menopause. My mum did after four children. She was 42 when she finished.
I'm a big girl with huge boobs too and I've been six stone heavier. It never made any difference to my husband but it did to me. I was very unhappy and drank until I had a problem. I gave up the drink and had therapy. It was brilliant. £50 for a hour. My hour. No one really listens and your friends get fed up if you blather on.
I have a busy household like you and although I'm creative I never did anything for myself.
We've bought an exercise machine and will set it up at home shortly. I suspect your husband may be worried about heart health and a free gym is not to be sniffed at.
Could you work in a charity shop? I recommend it to everyone. It's one of the best jobs I ever had. I made loads of friends. You can volunteer first and see how you get on.
Fwiw my daughter takes anxiety meds and they saved her.

Definitely go and see your GP, did this anxiety/tearfullness come on suddenly? Started before or after you had covid? Do you have any other physical health signs?

While I think you would benefit from counselling/therapy long term I’d also want to rule out a physical cause for this sudden change in mental health. Hormones, post viral etc. There are several things your GP can look at alongside referring you for mental health support. it’s completely anecdotal but after a nasty virus I had severe anxiety (alongside being exhausted), it was like I became a different person overnight, I thought I was literally going crazy.

You're getting loads of great advice and you do recognise that he's doing nothing wrong, so I think those are very positive.

One thing I just wanted to pick up on is that you've repeatedly said he loves you at any weight and whatever you're doing - but you've mentioned a couple of times that you love him the way he is and don't want him to change.

Do you think you might be able to reframe that and give him the same level of support for being whoever he wants to be and growing and developing as a person (with and alongside you), rather than imagining that because he's changing and you believe that you are not changing, that it means he's growing away from you?

It doesn't. He wants to develop himself. And then he wants to continue to be alongside you as the developed version of himself. He's doing something that's good for him and brings him joy. If you can reframe and support him in this, I think it might be helpful, though I appreciate intrusive thoughts make it very hard.

If it helps, and tbh it might, I’ve always been a bigger girl. Size 18 average, up and down throughout my life but never below a 14. I’ve also known a lot of guys who are really into the gym. You know what they’ve loved most? BIG GIRLS. All my most curvy (or.. fat! It’s not a bad word you know.) girl friends say the same. Always fighting off the gym guys. Body builder types too, they genuinely can’t get enough.

If a man finds you attractive, finds your body attractive - BELIEVE HIM. There’s nothing to say he shouldn’t, it’s HIS attraction. You need to start finding yourself attractive because clearly he isn’t struggling in the same way. He isn’t going to lose that just because he goes to the gym.

Also check out accounts like this absolutely gorgeous lady’s ! Surround yourself with better voices than the ones in your head.

www.instagram.com/aliciamccarvell?igsh=NHZlN3dveGU3dmRx

That’s a very good point about Covid.

My dh, who is normally very cheery and optimistic, recently got hugely depressed when he had a flu virus. He had never experienced anything like it before and it really unnerved him.

So there could be a number of things going on op.

I also meant to add in the post below to try and see a gp who is knowledgeable about ASD and ADHD. It makes such a difference. Ditto any therapist you might approach for sessions.

You said you atent telli g not to go to the gym but in your first post you said

"He actually cried at the weekend at what a mess I am and continually tells me he will stop going. But that’s not what I want at all. Even though it is."

That's the emotional blackmail I'm talking about. You can't tell him not to go because he's a grown adult and you don't want to feel like the bad guy . You're just making it so traumatic for him so he gives up to keep the peace.

I can't believe the easy ride you are getting here.

I wish I could quote and reply to all of you individually because writing this down and getting the replies has helped me in a huge way today. I can’t thank you all enough. Even the less nice replies.

for answer to people asking about the amount of outside time he is having. He has never seen the kids in the morning as I get them all up at7.30 and he’s long gone to work by then so when he joined the gym he said he would only go when the kids woudnt notice. So he gets up and goes early. Their lives have never changed ally all with him going to the gym. They don’t even notice and I actually get to starfish the bed for an hour or so before my alarm goes off lol.
Football he comes home, and has dinner with us. Helps me sort the house/do the washing up. Plays with the little two. Checks in with the older two (who don’t want to talk to us anyway, we’re too uncool 😂😂😂) and then he baths the baby and goes to football and put them both (the little ones) to bed. When they’re in bed he come home after an hour and then the big ones are generally downstairs and he chills with us for a bit and then tells my 8byear old demon to go to sleep. So he parents perfectly. He is actually out of the house for only two hours that they know about. And i person’s don’t think that’s excessive. We do all the family stuff over the weekend. No gym or football then.

I will specifically ask for some therapy and see about an autism specialty one. If not I’ll save up and pay for one. Because he doesn’t deserve any of this.

he is honestly the best man.

im kearning ti drive currently and honestly think that will help my MH more than anything else. As I’m stuck here all the time.

I just want to thank you all again. This has been such a big step for me to take to write all this out

I think you need to see a doctor for a few things.

Firstly, obviously, your mental health. You cannot keep living like that. It must be appalling for you and everyone around you. Secondly, if you’re ’very active’ and eat well but are ‘quite overweight’, then you need to see a doctor for that, perhaps thyroid.

Good luck. It sounds really shit for you.

You've had some absolutely marvellous advice from the wonderful MN world. I cannot offer anything other than to send you big, big hugs x

But I really can’t help my emotions here. This has just triggered me into some sort of spiral which I am trying desperately to fix.
he knows I will never tell him to not go. He says he wants to make me happy, and my response is always ‘do what makes you happy!’ I don’t guilt trip him but I am trying to be open and honest about my feelings so I can fix them. I had a mental breakdown in 2016 and I won’t let myself go through that again. Which is why I reached out here and made a GP appt. I am really not a horrible person, and i don’t want to guilt trio him or what ever you think into stopping but how do I hide my feelings? He sees me . He knows me better than anyone. He knows when I’m upset, I’m but sure what I’m supposed to do.

You could tell your dr that you do 20,000 steps a week but are still quite overweight you might have a thyroid issue or insulin resistance

You see the gym as a threat and it has alerted your inner alarm system and you are unable to regulate yourself there are videos on YouTube

also maybe consider hypnotherapy in the short term

also consider having a purpose in life for yourself outside of motherhood

having two hobbies that he does 5 times a week is ott with kids his age imo

3 days a week is fair!

Or tell him to do gym in his lunch hour

Can I add if you find driving a manual car more difficult try learning in an automatic car. I much prefer driving an automatic car as I'm hopeless with gears.😂

"I will specifically ask for some therapy and see about an autism specialty one. If not I’ll save up and pay for one.
...
im kearning ti drive currently and honestly think that will help my MH more than anything else. As I’m stuck here all the time."

These both sound like excellent steps.

I missed the crafting hobbies…that’s a great start!

I do 20,000 plus steps a day without batting an eye just living my life. Trudging out steps on a treadmill is soul destroying. She also said she hates it. She could easily get those steps in taking up a new hobby she enjoys a little more. Skating is one example but I’ve also been a volunteer dog walker for the Cinnamon Trust. There’s a million ways to get steps in that don’t make you die inside, and you get more from the experience than just the steps.

Refer to your local Talking Therapies service or find a private counsellor - you can find one online, or look at BABCP or BACP websites.

This sounds and is blunt, but you need professional help. Please seek it as soon as possible.

You may feel safe with such a limited world, but you are making your children’s world limited as well, and they don’t deserve that. They need to know it’s normal and ok to have interests outside the home

Well done OP! You've built what sounds like a great life with a real good guy, bringing up four kids.... and you're still loving each other and talking to each other!

On top of that, you're recognizing you're not well right now (we are all not well sometimes), you are taking responsibility and taking positive steps to getting well. Kudos to you!

Feeling down is miserable. Tears running down your face feels very familiar to so many of us. It does sounds hormonal to me too, and if so, you might be amazed by how quickly it starts to turn around. Simply being able to realize that you're not going mad, you've just got some inner chemistry that needs tweaking, can be super powerful in itself! Or maybe it will need therapy. But there will be an answer out there, and I'm confident you'll find it.

On a super superficial note in the meantime, I can confirm what another poster said... gym men love bigger women from my experience! I think spindly men often like thin women because they still want to feel like the solid one..... but muscly gymn guys don't need to worry about that.... men are actually programmed to adore curves and rolls! My husband happens to be super muscly and built like a tank, and he adores all my squidginess! He doesn't want a smaller version of himself, he wants me!

We’ve just had another chat and he’s leaning on getting a home gym. And then I suggested I’m could go swimming twice a week. Which is HILARIOUS because I can’t swim. But I live near a pool i can walk too. So yeah, think im gunna give that a go!

also the home gym by the way was a suggestion by him! I never mentioned it. Then he could work out at better times/around the kids. X

Oh and you're getting 20K steps a day, are fit and eating healthily too! More kudos!

This is actually not the first time I’ve heard that even the big gym rats like the curvier girls! I’m trying to attach a photo of myself but I’m not very tech savvy so hope they work. I have plenty of bits to love. Thanks for your lovely comment. I love all we have built together.

honestly, what do you do with your time? If you don’t work, can’t drive and your DH is the one doing the clearing up and washing up and baths and bedtimes, and you don’t have any hobbies - what do you do all day? I think if you had something to fill your time that would help you a lot, I really do.

Sorry I quoted you wrongly. Yes my children have never seen me leave the house really without them. But they’re all neurodivergent so they, like me, al feel safe and happy while we’re at home. She has got real issues with abandonment from Covid lockdowns unfortunately but she sees a councillor at school, and goes to a nurture club. I think I am going to give swimming a go. I can’t actually swim. But what’s become abundantly clear in this thread is how I need some time for myself.

I just be mum :)

I just focus all the time I have on the kids. We walk everywhere, we go on little adventures. We go to play groups and the park. We walk a lot. We craft all day. And I clean the whole house lol. I do all the washing and drying. I do everything really that isn’t the tiding after dinner. I don’t really have anything for me though. I do have some hobby’s that I do at home but it’s hard because my 2 year old doesn’t sleep in the day now. And when I put her to bed I spend time with the big ones.