Please help with advice before I ruin my marriage.

[PeonyPops]

my OH have been together since we were 14. On and off and then properly together since I was 17. We have 4 kids, 16,14,8 & 2.

We have lead very boring, normal lives until this few months. Pour everything into our kids.
He was a massive gamer. I don’t really have any hobbies I just enjoy spending time with my kids.

OH is very good looking I am not. I am v insecure anyway and always have been - ie no mirrors in my house any where other than for brushing teeth.
I have got much worse the more kids I’ve had an my weight increased.
My OH has loved me in every stage of life, from skinny, through a mental breakdown, while I was bigger than I am now. Always. We don’t fight or argue. Kids have what they want. I am a SAHM, he works.

Lasy year he started playing football. He LOVES football. So I didn’t care at all. Two nights a week after work. But he only does the later kick offs so he comes home to see the kids after work and gets ready. The little ones are in bed.

Last month he told me he’d like to join a gym. And I have spiralled into such a depression about it I’m not sure how to get out of it. I just cry every single day.

At first I was very worried about him becoming addicted to the gym. With the football too, I was so worried he would make the gym his whole life and personality. Then insecurity started eating me alive. I am very active and I don’t eat badly but am quite overweight.
I started calorie counting over a couple of weekends a go, and teamed with crippling anxiety and depression it’s falling off me because I have no appetite at all and prob only eating 500 calories a day at a push.
Iv gone from 15 stone 2 to 14 stone 6 in just over a week.

I think my main anxiety is over him becoming addicted to it. Getting big and muscular (which I don’t like personally) just becoming vein, and then realising I’m just so ugly and fat and he can do so much better.

The anxiety is eating me alive and making me so ill.
he reassures me constantly, he doesn’t understand my viewpoint that his feeling for me will change as he changes. He actually cried at the weekend at what a mess I am and continually tells me he will stop going. But that’s not what I want at all. Even though it is.
I know this issue is all mine. It’s in my head. And he deserves to be able to go the the bloody gym.. I would never ask him to stop doing something he enjoys. But how do I sort my head out before I ruin our whole relationship. I literally don’t know who I am with out him. Iv felt like we’re one person our whole lives and now he is suddenly separate from me. I feel like he’s growing and changing as a person and I’m still here the same old. I keep thinking I should get a hobby but I have AuDHD and I hate socialising. This whole thing has pushed me to start using a treadmill so I can keep up with his new life when I’m fact I hate exercise with a passion.
Does anyone please have any advice without having a go at me. I asked on Reddit and got torn to shreds.

we’re both 37 by the way.

he said to me yesterday ‘why don’t keep saying we’re now on different paths in life when every path leads me to you’ and I just about lost the plot. I can’t keep doing this anymore to him.

Firstly, I just want to apologise if I've been too blunt. The last thing I'd want to do is upset someone struggling - I think sometimes I can be a bit too straight talking, mainly because I've been with men who've tried to curb my hobbies. I'm also autistic so they mean a lot to me. So big hugs to you. I don't think you're some kind of awful human.

I don't think there was anything wrong with asking him to drop a day. You may be at home, but you're with the kids and have a toddler...that's hard. What he's doing now sounds like a good balance, and it also sounds like when he's home he's splitting parenting well? If he is, then it sounds like you're both definitely on the right track.

The fact you're recognising all of this is really good. And it does sound like you've just been stuck in an absolute spiral - for a long time. Change is bloody hard, especially for ND folk, and so I do 100% get why you've been struggling.

When he's at the gym, do you think it could help if you focused on something for you? Even if it's a glass of something tasty (not alcohol, maybe Seedlip with orange juice or something), a book (even an audio book in the background or in one ear), face mask, just...something nice for you. Hard with kids around but I used to do this to keep me sane during maternity leave. Didn't always work. 🤣 But if you could turn his gym time into you time somehow, do you think it might help shift your mindset?

If I could make a couple of suggestions -

First, spend some time figuring out who you are on your own. DP and I always make sure we spend a couple of weekends apart every year. DP chooses to go away with friends and I'll stay home with DD. I on the other hand choose to recharge my inner introvert. I pick a city to go to, and spend a couple of days going to museums and things that we'd never do together, or sit in a quiet pub or the hotel bar with my book. It's nice just to spend a couple of days in your own company every so often, having to please no-one but yourself, with no jobs or family stuff to deal with.

Second, if your husband is going to be out of the house more, then make the time he is home count more. DP and used to often be guilty of being in the same house but barely seeing each other. I'll be gaming on the computer while she's on the Switch downstairs, or she'll have a bath while I'm building Lego. Even if we're both sat watching the TV, its just passive, she's on her phone, I'm on mine. We've started making sure we spend and least one or two nights actively doing something together every week. Either we go out, or we'll play a board or video game together. Hell, even doing something mundane like clearing out the kitchen cupboards, if we're doing it together it can be quality time.

You've built a small world for yourself that's the problem. Got together with a childhood sweetheart and became domesticated really early in life. That's whats limited you, instead of exploring the world, going to uni, getting a career & discovering life.

You built your life around one man and 4 kids and nothing else, it's boring and very limited.

OP you sound like a very lovely person and I think you look quite beautiful in your photos .....I think you have led a rather sheltered life though and do come across as slightly naive (I mean that in the kindest way, and it takes one to recognise another, I am less naive in my mid 40s now though)....

The reason that therapy , CBT books, anti-anxiety medication and all the other similar suggestions are good as the main thing that needs to change is your OCD mindset. Your mindset currently is 'this is the life I want, this is 'Perfect', change will be 'Unpleasant', hes too 'good'for you if he loses some weight, et all.

Life is bigger, wilder , more pain, more joy , just more .....than we can ever imagine or hope for or dread about ...because our expectations are only based on our own narrow past ....often times we see people experiencing that the very thing that they dread happens in life - but they come out of it saying it was the best thing ever that happened to them. Resilience is knowing that even if something we dread happens, we have got our own back and we are strong enough to face it. As much as he loves you, it should always be outmatched by how much you love yourself. Love yourself best. His love is just some icing on what is already a very delicious perfect cake on it's own.

Never ever put another human up on a pedestal. If you have religious fath of any sort, then leave the pedestal for a higher divine power - if you are atheist then leave the pedestal for just the power of mother earth/ Nature/UNiverse around us. Not on one single frail human being. Life is so much more and should be so much more. Just my two cents.

I did have a life lol. I worked from ages 13, I went to college. We were very on off as teenagers. He had lots of girlfriends. I wasn’t interested really. Had a few boyfriends other than him but was all about going out with my friends. Been on holiday with friends, and my plan was always to go to Uni but after our littlest baby came along (contraception failed) that’s taken a back seat. I am actively trying to improve my life and expand a bit more. Can’t wait to go for epic outdoor walks with the kids when I’m driving :)

I agree about learning in an automatic. So much simpler. It means you won’t be qualified to drive a manual, but who cares? Plenty of choice in automatics!
Best of luck, OP. Driving should give you lots more options.

don’t keep saying we’re now on different paths in life when every path leads me to you
Ah, OP, that’s so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. You must have something very special about you, to make him feel and say that. And you look fine in the photos!

You’re getting good advice on this thread, and sounds as if you’re listening to it.
I’d just add Have you been checked for diabetes as well as thyroid? Not because of your weight (which doesn’t look excessive) but because diabetes can mess with your emotions too.

Also, does your local pool offer aqua fitness classes? So much fun, it doesn’t feel like exercise, but is actually an effective workout. It’s much safer than land-based exercise, and kinder to your joints, because the water holds you up and cushions any falls.
If the local pool or gym doesn’t do aqua fitness, there may be one you can drive to when you get your driving licence.
Best of luck with it all xx

My partner was with his wife for a long time when she felt similar to this. She ended up spiralling into serious obesity, an eating disorder and various weight related health issues. He supported her through all of that as much as she would let him, but the one thing that he couldn't get past was her lack of willingness to make changes with herself. She blamed him for all her unhappiness and it just got too much for him because he could never win. She gave up on life and that was the unattractive part, not the weight gain (you are not comparable at all to her size btw!).

He was/is a big gamer but also loves the gym which stems from insecurities he has about his body (he's a little guy!) and the desire to be healthy and live a long life. He never worked out to spite her, he did it so that they could have a happy, long life together.

Ultimately this all killed their marriage over time but maybe if they'd communicated about it better and she'd worked on her insecurities then it would have been different. She even resents the fact he spent £20k on private skin removal after she did lose weight because she felt it was him trying to make her more attractive when all he wanted to do was to try and help her feel more confident after she'd done all the hard work of losing weight.

I'm glad to read that you have an appointment with your GP next week after reading a worrying OP.

I am a year younger than you and have also been with my husband since we were 14.

Always maintained our own identities. That doesn't mean we don't love each other any less and that I am any less of a parent.

I think you need to start to take little steps towards making your own path in this world.
Nothing major, just something for you.
I hope you get the help you need.

If I may say so; that’s a very allistic way of looking at things.

but the one thing that he couldn't get past was her lack of willingness to make changes with herself

Don’t wish to derail but sounds like she was willing to change herself a lot if she needed £20k of private skin removal!

Physical and mental changes are two different things though.

Fair enough - I always think weight loss is very much about mastery of the mind as much the body - but I understand what you are saying. That it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Edited to say that I think some people’s upbringings sadly dont ever allow them to feel good enough or confident in themselves.

And if your brain is wired differently; by the time you reach adulthood , you have experienced decades of being the outsider, doing and saying the wrong thing, being labelled odd or selfish or strange, so it’s very difficult to think well of oneself.

In summary: it’s not always something people have control over.

You sound really controlling OP.i feel sorry for him

I’m honestly not. He has had plenty of hobby’s in the years we’ve been together. Never had an issue with any of them. The gym just irritates me for some reason. But this isn’t a new thing. My cousin got so addicted to the gym and taking steroids he ended up having a psychotic episode and ended up in PICU in our local mental health facility. I just don’t like gyms. Obviously I know this isn’t normal. And I want to address it which is why I was asking for some advice .

Stupid question maybe but are you sure you aren't pregnant?

I’ve been trying to find your post to quote all day but been in and out with the kids and lost you. I wanted to respond. My plan for when the kids leave is to complete my driving this year and buy a camper van lol. I want to travel all around with OH when they’re all flown the nest. I’d like to go to Uni to do a midwifery course, as I went to college to get the qualifications to go to Uni. And I’d like to be a qualified midwife in the next 10 years. Honestly, not driving is a really big issue for me and my MH. I am learning to drive currently in an automatic car - hoping it won’t take long but will take as long as it takes. I am not a dead end person who clings to OH, I do have goals and dreams. I just pour into the kids cups atm.

I did a test on Sunday! But no. And actually I came on my period and tmi, it’s really really bad. Like the ones after you have a baby. The last one was very very light. So I’m sure my hormones have been fucked up by Covid. And I was sure this was a hormone issue anyway. I have GP appt on Tue. Will see what they say. Would just like to get back to my manageable daily anxiety not this type 😂😂😂

I am just sitting in bed re reading all these replies again and want to thank for this. It was written so gently and you ate 100% right. It’s his body to look how ever he wants. And yes he has supported and loved me below 9 stone when I was very unwell to nearly 16 stone after I had our last baby. He is amazing honestly, and this post really is written so nicely. Thank you.

Tell you what, you're beautifully proportioned and no way would I have put you as a size 18. Just shows that the numbers in your clothes or on the scales don't actually matter. You're slimmer appearing than me in my 14s.

Rock that lovely body, it's done amazing things and each wobbly bit or stretch mark (if you have them) is testament to that.

Things that can make you feel better quickly:

Go and get a decent bra fitting. A good fit is comfy and lifts everything.

Try and get out of fleece and leggings occasionally. I'm not talking heels and dresses, just decent jeans etc where the fabric is acceptable against your skin.

If you ever wear make up, just do it for the hell of it occasionally.

Get a hair cut if you need one.

Apart from your obvious issues, you sound like you have a lovely family life.

I’d just like time back and give a little update if that’s ok.

Over the past few days I’ve done a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out what I want in my life.

I rang the GP again to book bloods to look at my thyroid along with talking about the contraceptive pill to try and regulate my hormones.

I also have the appt on Tuesday and have made them aware I’d like therapy.

weirdly this whole terrible two weeks has seemed to have brought me and OH closer.
we have had so many deep conversations. And think we’ve realised as much as we loved each other this whole time we’re weren’t communicating very well and have got into such a routine. we have made so much more time for each other and he keeps telling me, I have never loved you as much as I do now. This has given us a big kick up the arse to prioritise each other more - as well as our kids of course.

I went and ran 10 mins on the treadmill yesterday while he was working out next to me. And we just had such a nice little chat about life and kids and just everything. He has dropped one day at the gym, so he’s not doing both gym and football on one day. Which he is happy with. I am being actively encouraging and has asked about his routine etc. I brought him some gym mats for when he’s here and he wants to work out.
he brought me some flowers and chocolate.

I have looked into swimming which I’m hoping to take up after Iv sorted these drs appts.

I have also been for a coffee with a friend and had such a lovely chat. And I will keep this more social side up to get me out of the house and and catch up with people. I don’t think I’ll ever be going out for weekends with the girls - I’m not that type of person but I’m trying to not isolate myself so much.

I have taken each and every comment on board here and I just want to say thank you all again.

@PeonyPops what a lovely update! Well done!

Have you considered working? If you haven't worked at all that's meant your life is quite small. If you're focused on your husband like this it would be good to get something else to focus on.

Yes I’m hoping to get a job as a maternity support assistant at the hospital once I pass my driving test :)

Brilliant! I wasn't meaning to sound rude I just know that the busier I am with work the less time I have to worry about other things!