Please help with advice before I ruin my marriage.

[PeonyPops]

my OH have been together since we were 14. On and off and then properly together since I was 17. We have 4 kids, 16,14,8 & 2.

We have lead very boring, normal lives until this few months. Pour everything into our kids.
He was a massive gamer. I don’t really have any hobbies I just enjoy spending time with my kids.

OH is very good looking I am not. I am v insecure anyway and always have been - ie no mirrors in my house any where other than for brushing teeth.
I have got much worse the more kids I’ve had an my weight increased.
My OH has loved me in every stage of life, from skinny, through a mental breakdown, while I was bigger than I am now. Always. We don’t fight or argue. Kids have what they want. I am a SAHM, he works.

Lasy year he started playing football. He LOVES football. So I didn’t care at all. Two nights a week after work. But he only does the later kick offs so he comes home to see the kids after work and gets ready. The little ones are in bed.

Last month he told me he’d like to join a gym. And I have spiralled into such a depression about it I’m not sure how to get out of it. I just cry every single day.

At first I was very worried about him becoming addicted to the gym. With the football too, I was so worried he would make the gym his whole life and personality. Then insecurity started eating me alive. I am very active and I don’t eat badly but am quite overweight.
I started calorie counting over a couple of weekends a go, and teamed with crippling anxiety and depression it’s falling off me because I have no appetite at all and prob only eating 500 calories a day at a push.
Iv gone from 15 stone 2 to 14 stone 6 in just over a week.

I think my main anxiety is over him becoming addicted to it. Getting big and muscular (which I don’t like personally) just becoming vein, and then realising I’m just so ugly and fat and he can do so much better.

The anxiety is eating me alive and making me so ill.
he reassures me constantly, he doesn’t understand my viewpoint that his feeling for me will change as he changes. He actually cried at the weekend at what a mess I am and continually tells me he will stop going. But that’s not what I want at all. Even though it is.
I know this issue is all mine. It’s in my head. And he deserves to be able to go the the bloody gym.. I would never ask him to stop doing something he enjoys. But how do I sort my head out before I ruin our whole relationship. I literally don’t know who I am with out him. Iv felt like we’re one person our whole lives and now he is suddenly separate from me. I feel like he’s growing and changing as a person and I’m still here the same old. I keep thinking I should get a hobby but I have AuDHD and I hate socialising. This whole thing has pushed me to start using a treadmill so I can keep up with his new life when I’m fact I hate exercise with a passion.
Does anyone please have any advice without having a go at me. I asked on Reddit and got torn to shreds.

we’re both 37 by the way.

he said to me yesterday ‘why don’t keep saying we’re now on different paths in life when every path leads me to you’ and I just about lost the plot. I can’t keep doing this anymore to him.

As others have said…you need professional help but in the meantime here’s some practice advice you can work on TODAY.

You need to work on your self esteem. Self esteem isn’t thinking you’re physically attractive. It’s understanding that you have value. So how do you build self esteem? You build a sense of sense. How do you build a sense of self? You pursue your interests.

I know you are ND so socialising is difficult but it doesn’t have to be group activities. Start reading books, listening to podcasts on topics you enjoy. Try an art based hobbie. & you can always try a fun form of exercise such as a roller skating ring. I’m 40 & skate 😂

These things sound silly and unimportant but they build a sense of self which builds a sense of your own worth and value.

She know that, that’s why she’s asking for help. She hasn’t stopped him even though with 4 kids she could grumble about his time on activities but it doesn’t sound like she has. It’s massively helpful for people like me to hear other women admit they feel like this so please don’t shame her when she’s literally acknowledging it’s her issue and looking for support.

I totally see what you are saying. A 37-year old going to the gym? This is so stupid and vain. There is bicycling, walking, jogging, horse-riding, tennis, football - anything in the fresh air! I see what you are saying. But there is no need to feel insecure - he loves you and clearly he is not a catch - a married man with 4 children. Don't overestimate his attractiveness, please. And you certainly don't need to torture yourself with the stupid treadmill - with 4 children how many exercises and steps a day do you do? A lot more than he with his football and gym, I would have thought! If I were you, I would go and see an endocrinologist, not because of weight, but because of your emotions.

Your 8 year old thinks her father is abandoning her when he goes to the gym?

WOW

You are projecting your anxieties on to your children and that is not fair.

Again I ask this kindly @PeonyPops what will happen when your kids leave the home and go out into the wider world? Your oldest two are close to an age where they will be independent. In a decade when all of them have left the nest per se and you are under 50 what do you see yourself doing all day?

Actually creating a home gym space could be good for both of you, as you would be able to do it together once the kids are in bed. If you pitch it to him as him teaching you how to use the equipment he sounds very supportive and might appeal to him.

It wouldn't need to be a huge investment to start, there are a lot of bodyweight exercises that are great, and a set of resistance bands aren't very expensive. You can make weights by filling milk jugs with water or using soup cans if £ is an issue.

I do think ultimately therapy and getting out of the house more for you will be necessary but this might be something inside your comfort zone to help move you in the right direction.

Don’t throw your life away. You’ve got a good man and you can be happy again. You deserve to be happy. Go to the doctors and ask for help ❤️

I am told regularly that my OH is ‘punching’ (hate that term but I want to explain that it’s nothing to do with how pretty you are or aren’t) and let me tell you that I absolutely hate the idea of him looking at other women and thinking they’re pretty and I’m not! I know, like you that it is entirely my issue and that it isn’t the right way to be but I think it perhaps stems from childhood and I know I’ve got a good heart so it’s definitely not intentional. I’ve already answered on a post with things that have helped me but I am angry people called you Hitler when you’re obviously not stopping him and are obviously seeking help and acknowledging it’s a problem!

She has hobbies, you clearly haven't read all the posts.

Are you in any audhd support groups or social groups? That's a whole community online, maybe it would help to find your type of people.

We are all with you OP.No one is thrashing you.
You need to be in a place mentally where you can celebrate you and your achievements 💖

This is pretty nasty, going to the gym or exercise in any form is an investment in the future, not stupid and vain. The other things are good too but not inherently superior.

What does that even mean, her husband isn't a catch?! He's a catch to HER. You can't out logic irrational thoughts, especially with mean statements about her chosen partner.

She said she has several crafting hobbies and does 20000 steps a day on average. It would take me 2 1/2 hours to walk that many.

Just wanted to say that people with autism often have a very hard time dealing with change.

OP I'm glad you're seeking help from your GP. Contrary to what the media tells us, most people who stick at the gym or a sport are there because of how it makes them feel - mentally and physically, because of the endorphins, countering the aches and pains of aging, the social aspect, or just feeling stronger and fitter in day to day life. Many parents are motivated about wanting to be around for their children, or to keep up with them. I understand that you're anxious about your own weight though please try to think about it that way, it's very unlikely that what your husband is doing is related to looks, either his or yours!

@Hwi A 37-year old going to the gym? This is so stupid and vain

What a nasty and stupid thing to say.

I'm glad you've a plan of action. Good luck to you!

I'm really sorry that you feel this way.

I mirror what most others have said here. You need some counselling or therapy to help you deal. For me it seems that you are struggling to adjust to change and then imagining all sorts of negative things that may come from those changes. (such as your husband becoming muscly or obsessed with the gym or him leaving you) But you need to find a way to deal with this and I say this from experience.

I have had similar struggles due to change but not on the same kind of scale as you and I understand how it can feel difficult to accept. Like you, a massive part of my life was my children and being a SAHM with them was what made me the happiest. Although I did also have a life outside of them also (friends/running club etc) I began to struggle a little with them growing up, with our family dynamic changing (them not wanting to do things with us anymore) with them gaining independence and them becoming young adults. Then my eldest left home and moved to life in another Country which was gut wrenching and very difficult to begin with. But we must find a way to cope with the changes that life brings us and to adapt to them.

And I say this kindly but I think you need to get a grip of this now, and as soon as you can, because within a short number of years you could be having to face yet more significant changes when your own children start to fly the nest and your 'circle' becomes smaller still.

Your DH sounds an amazing man, but you already know this. The problem here does lie with you. Again something else you acknowledge. But you cannot continue to self sabotage your lovely little life because there are changes happening that you are not coping with.

Keep communicating with your DH. Tell him, what you have told us and allow him to support you and try and understand what you are thinking and feeling.

I think reaching out to your GP is definitely the first steps to helping you cope with these thoughts and feelings. Getting therapy will hopefully help you get some perspective on things and process changes and help you make some personal steps to improve your self esteem and mental health.

Good Luck.

You have good insight into the issue and yourself. You need to seek proper mental health support, this may include both drugs and talking therapy. NHS will only be able to give limited talking therapy so if you can find a good psychologist privately, I would. I think you know this. You just need to push yourself to do this.

Even if you don't want to build up your own life outside of him, you still need to be comfortable with him building up a life outside of you.

Hi op, I have a slightly different take, which may or may not resonate with you. I am coming from the perspective of a mother with an adult dd with autism. Please feel free to ignore what follows if I have got it wrong; I just want to make some suggestions, which may not be correct.

Does your two year old go to nursery? Even if they do, that’s a lot of parenting on your shoulders if your dh is out virtually every day of the week working and then virtually every evening too. He wouldn’t be able to go out so much if you weren’t at home taking care of things. Many women with ASD get a bit overwhelmed from parenting from time to time and I think there’s a possibility that you are heading for autistic burnout.

The people saying that your world is very small perhaps don’t understand ASD sufficiently well. . Every person with ASD is different but my dd is happy with a life based mainly at home because she finds that stimulating enough both in a sensory and anxiety related way. She too has lots of friends she could choose to be with but prefers her own company.

I am going to go against the grain here but I am not sure that your dh is being entirely fair on you being out so much when you have four dc at home. You may not want to go and socialise but you definitely need a break and time to reset and perhaps practice your crafts. Perhaps your walks provide this for you in which case just ignore what follows!

People with ASD sometimes have trouble recognising their emotions and forgive me if I am wrong but I think you may be slightly resentful or angry at your dh for landing you with more parenting alone, but because you sound rather dependent on him emotionally, your mind isn’t allowing you to run with that, hence you have reached a point of inner conflict.

The reason I say this is that you sound very anxious in your op about asking him to knock gym on the head on Monday when he is already going to football, when in the circumstances, it was a perfectly reasonable request.

So no actually, I don’t think this is all in your head. And I don’t think the way you feel now is all of your own making either.

I mean what father of four has time to be a massive gamer or do both gym and football? Not many!

I think you haven’t protested before op because in your head you have made up a scenario that he is better looking than you and he goes out to work and you don’t and he is this wonderful person and you are not.

But being ND is exhausting in itself. Never mind when you are in sole control of four dc. I think your dh needs to step up a bit more as he is not taking your autism and adhd in to account enough. And I think your current anxious state is a big red warning sign that you need more support and down time.

As I say op, this is just my take on things. Who knows if anything in my post rings true but please have a think about it. People with autism, especially women with four dc approaching peri, generally need down time to reset Does your home life allow you that currently?

💐💐💐

Might you reframe it that he is going to the gym to keep his body healthy so that he is around a long time for you & your DC.

I don't think there is one answer here OP but it's sensible you have made an appointment with your GP.

I did pick up on the fact you say you wear a size 18. That isn't exactly obese especially if your in proportion & your husband tells you your beautiful. You've also mentioned you don't allow mirrors in the house. On a tough love note I think this is a seriously bad example to be setting your children who could end up feeling the same way.

There is nothing more certain in life than change. Your husband has decided he wants to actively keep fit & healthy. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing the same. Perhaps go all out to provide healthy family meals without you sticking to 500cals which isn't sustainable. As long as your keeping active you can still lose the extra weight while eating well & not going hungry. All that happens is your metabolism slows down to compensate.

Your destiny is in your own hands & only you can sort it. Counselling will help but ultimately it's up to you to change your mindset & accept & enjoy the inevitable changes as the years go on. This includes getting behind the fitness hobbies your husband enjoys. Ultimately there will obviously be changes we don't enjoy such as ill health or losing loved ones but it's finding a way to cope while accepting that's life.

Wow, is a 37 year old not allowed to go to the gym now?? Is it a place just for young people? Anyone 'that age' is only allowed to exercise outside!!!!??

What a nasty thing to say.

You clearly know nothing about exercise. Going to the gym to build up strength for the sports you do helps to prevent injury. It also just helps with strength and fitness levels generally.

I echo what @Thelastthroughthedoor7, says.