Please help with advice before I ruin my marriage.

[PeonyPops]

my OH have been together since we were 14. On and off and then properly together since I was 17. We have 4 kids, 16,14,8 & 2.

We have lead very boring, normal lives until this few months. Pour everything into our kids.
He was a massive gamer. I don’t really have any hobbies I just enjoy spending time with my kids.

OH is very good looking I am not. I am v insecure anyway and always have been - ie no mirrors in my house any where other than for brushing teeth.
I have got much worse the more kids I’ve had an my weight increased.
My OH has loved me in every stage of life, from skinny, through a mental breakdown, while I was bigger than I am now. Always. We don’t fight or argue. Kids have what they want. I am a SAHM, he works.

Lasy year he started playing football. He LOVES football. So I didn’t care at all. Two nights a week after work. But he only does the later kick offs so he comes home to see the kids after work and gets ready. The little ones are in bed.

Last month he told me he’d like to join a gym. And I have spiralled into such a depression about it I’m not sure how to get out of it. I just cry every single day.

At first I was very worried about him becoming addicted to the gym. With the football too, I was so worried he would make the gym his whole life and personality. Then insecurity started eating me alive. I am very active and I don’t eat badly but am quite overweight.
I started calorie counting over a couple of weekends a go, and teamed with crippling anxiety and depression it’s falling off me because I have no appetite at all and prob only eating 500 calories a day at a push.
Iv gone from 15 stone 2 to 14 stone 6 in just over a week.

I think my main anxiety is over him becoming addicted to it. Getting big and muscular (which I don’t like personally) just becoming vein, and then realising I’m just so ugly and fat and he can do so much better.

The anxiety is eating me alive and making me so ill.
he reassures me constantly, he doesn’t understand my viewpoint that his feeling for me will change as he changes. He actually cried at the weekend at what a mess I am and continually tells me he will stop going. But that’s not what I want at all. Even though it is.
I know this issue is all mine. It’s in my head. And he deserves to be able to go the the bloody gym.. I would never ask him to stop doing something he enjoys. But how do I sort my head out before I ruin our whole relationship. I literally don’t know who I am with out him. Iv felt like we’re one person our whole lives and now he is suddenly separate from me. I feel like he’s growing and changing as a person and I’m still here the same old. I keep thinking I should get a hobby but I have AuDHD and I hate socialising. This whole thing has pushed me to start using a treadmill so I can keep up with his new life when I’m fact I hate exercise with a passion.
Does anyone please have any advice without having a go at me. I asked on Reddit and got torn to shreds.

we’re both 37 by the way.

he said to me yesterday ‘why don’t keep saying we’re now on different paths in life when every path leads me to you’ and I just about lost the plot. I can’t keep doing this anymore to him.

I think there's lots of helpful advice and I hope you find support from your GP.

Do you think having something that's yours would help you? Your own hobby?

Or something for you to aim for e.g. Couch to 5k, do the Junior park run with your children (you can push buggies round the course), that's something you could do as a family, maybe feel more positive about time together to help your fears subside?

You say your crafty - any courses you could do once a week to get you out and remember your own self-worth?

We’ve just had a chat and he is wanting to get a home gym and I think I’m going to try swimming. 😃 the home gym was his idea not mine! Didn’t even know they did those. And I also can’t really swim but I’m going to give it a go!

Yes! It came on after Covid! I have always has low level anxiety - usually about health. But this is extreme and feels very hormonal. I think I’m going to ask for my thyroid to be checked. I also have an outrageous appetite for sex atm 😳 which is totally new thing for me. And something my other half is enjoying. Bless him he’s not sure if I’m gunna be crying or wanting to jump him when he gets home.

Sorry to hear your in so much turmoil.I was very much like you when I was younger(now60).Suffering with chronic jealousy at the thought of my dh going off with someone else all because of my low self esteem,even now I regard myself as ugly and don't do photographs or mirrors like you said.I eventually had a breakdown and got the help I needed through anti depressants and cognitive behaviour.It has taken a long time to come to terms with my problems but I really think you need to start therapy and opening up as to why you have these feelings.Its not going to be an easy quick journey but hopefully if you find the strength to go forward with treatment you will gradually improve your mental health and be able to relax and switch off to your negative thoughts.I wish you all the very best going forward and things get easier for you.💓

I think by reaching out for support and advice, making an appointment with your GP and communicating with your partner shows you’re taking the right steps and taking responsibility and you should be very proud of that. I hope you find some help and support from your GP and I believe you can get through this!

I'm on the other side of this a little bit at the moment.

Like your husband, I'm on a massive health kick right now, although in my case it's enforced, as I was diagnosed with diabetes at the end of last year.

As a result I've lost nearly two stone, I'm eating much healthier, and I'm down the gym or the swimming pool 4 days a week. And as a result, I'm also feeling better about myself. I'm proud of what I've achieved, I'm dressing a bit better because I don't feel like such a fat lump, and because I'm happier looking in the mirror I'm also noticing I could take a bit more care in my appearance in other ways as well, so I've got a better hair cut, changed my glasses etc.

And DP is feeling a little bit nervous. Not the the extent you are @PeonyPops (At least I don't think so), but she's made a few jokey comments that she needs to hit the gym, or that she needs to keep an eye on other women now etc. She's admitted that while she's joking, she also is slightly nervous about it.

Quite frankly, it's daft. If I'd wanted to cheat at any point over the last 20 years, I could have done. I've had other women interested in me. I could have started an affair or left DP at any point if I wanted to. But I didn't want to then, and I don't want to now. I love my DP, I love the life we've built together. I'm not going to throw that away just because I've gotten a bit buff.

To be honest though OP, I don't think your issue is really about yours and his looks. It's that your lives have become too enmeshed for your own good.

You don't like leaving the house and socialising, and you liked the fact that your husband was the same, and would prefer to sit around at home and game than get out and about. (And no judgement there, gaming is my happy place!)

And now he's out more, and you're being selfish because you don't want your life to change. You want him home with you and your kids, safe and happy in your bubble. You're worried that he's going to find life elsewhere more exciting than what he has at home, and he'll leave.

That sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy to me. The more he's kept at home, the more he's likely to find his life boring. It's also a massive overreaction. This is a man who's realised he's getting his arse kicked at his beloved sport by a bunch of 12 year olds, and is trying to fight the inevitable progress of aging by getting fitter. He can get as fit as he wants, the 12 year olds are still gonna kick his arse and eventually he'll realise that.

This really made me laugh so much. Because that’s exactly it. He says there is a kid in his team who is the same age as our daughter. They played last night and he said they lost because they were against young people again, but said ‘don’t worry, we’re gunna win on Thursday because weee playing an older team’ 😂😂😂

and yes I fell exactly as you’ve said. It’s been a long time of us. And I don’t honestly know who I am without him. And now he has these hobby’s I am a bit overwhelmed that I am an actual person on my own. And yes you hit the nail on the head with wanting to keep him here but I don’t want to trap him jn the house or not let him have a hobby, I just want things to stay the same as always and you’re right! It can’t always stay the same! We do change and grow. And I want to be there with him while he does not pushing him away.

I didn’t realise you didn’t drive, that’s huge tbh, you’ll feel so much better if you’re able to get out someone nice when you feel crap. You sound like a lovely person OP and honestly your husband will be benefitting from that. There are lots of women out there that treat their man like crap so don’t ever think you’re not good enough again!!!

Ah OP, your body is very similar to mine, so you are a dream woman, through my hunky hubbie's eyes! I have learned over years to accept that where I see 'unslightly-squidge-I-should-be-ashamed-of', he sees 'juicy-gorgeousness-that-makes-me-drool-wrapped-round-woman-I-adore...' it's a magical thing that I have just come to accept!

Don’t knock yourself so hard about your weight. I think you look pretty fabulous! Also - gorgeous hair.
Learning to drive and having access to a car brings freedom and confidence - it will change your life.
What shines from your words is the love you too have for each other. Trust in that. It’s worth a lot.
But aim for some counselling and then tiny little goals to aim for every day that don’t involve your husband and kids.
It could be anything - shove a hair masque on, paint your toenails, read 10 pages of a book. If you try and look at the big picture it can get a bit much so start small.
And actually think of your husband as an example - he has a family and a busy life but is carving out time for his wellbeing. If he does the home gym, get in there!
Learn to swim.
You need a sense of self and independence and both take effort. Again, don’t get overwhelmed but tiny acts every day build to something bigger.

Without being mean, the problem is definitely you.

I think you need to go to GP and request counselling, possibly some kind of medication, before you seriously make the situation and happy for your entire family..

This could be a form of hysterical bonding triggered when you feel scared your partner will leave.

When he says he doesn’t think you’re fat he probably genuinely means it. It took me a while to get it but it’s true, their perspective is just different.

My DP is 6’4 and very fit. In the last few months he also started going to the gym and loves it. He feels great about himself as he always struggled to put on weight and so far he has never criticised me, not even once (I’m 5’2, probably about 202 lbs as well). One time we talked about it and in his mind fat has a lot more to do with weight distribution - maybe your husband feels the same.

Regardless, you need a hobby. He might start to feel the pressure and that’s when resentment will build up. I’m not crazy about it either but I joined a walking club, a book club and I’m taking up crochet lessons.

Hmm I had to google that and not sure.
it feels a lot like pregnant sex or sex that you want when you can’t, usually when on your period. Don’t think he will mind what ever it is lol

OP, I feel for you in many ways because the anxiety pouring from your posts is palpable. But, I don't think what you're doing is right.

Your DH should be able to go to the gym without feeling guilty. I know you're saying you'd never stop him, but if he feels badly enough he's crying then that's coming from somewhere - you might not be asking him to stop, but you're making him want to.

Your comments regarding how muscled he might get are also unfair. It's his body. My DH is long and lean too, and I don't like muscled sorts either. But if my DH started hitting the weights I'd not say a word. Because it's not my body. We don't have ownership over how our partners look, and that's something to recognise even quietly within yourself.

Your world is so narrow. Why don't you consider a part time job? Something to get you out of the house? You mention your DC are ND too so also happy at home, but is this learned behaviour because they see their mum doing the same? I'm ND and involved in many ND circles due to hobbies, and being a homebody isn't a prerequisite of being AuDhD.

Your DH has suggested the home gym for your comfort. You may not have suggested it as you keep saying, but he's felt he has to do this for you to keep you happy. This is making his world narrow. It's not like he's living in the gym 7 nights a week.

Again, I really do feel for you; anxiety and hormones can be a nightmare. But this is something you need to work on, with and without therapy. It's not fair on your DH to be backed into a corner like this. If this post was written by a man then the responses would be much more harsh.

This.
Take the advice from the pp therapist and find therapy for yourself as an urgent priority.

It's clear that you love your family but you absolutely cannot lean on them for your entire identity, validation, support, pasttime, etc. It's not fair to your husband and it's not fair to the kids, who no doubt are growing up to feel responsible for mom's feelings. That is supremely unfair, even though you mean no harm.

You must develop an identity outside of the wife/mother sphere, so that others' perfectly reasonable actions do no affect you so deeply. You need to deal with your deep insecurity.

Teenage romances are fine but yours took over your entire life and that is not healthy. You never got a chance to gain perspective by meeting/knowing/dating others or becoming resiliant on your own. You need to develop this resiliance now without putting on your husband (or kids, god forbid) to solve.

Kindly, you don't need to express aloud or download onto your husband every single iota of insecurity, worry, anxiety, fear, etc. that crosses your mind, to the point that he is crying. He is not a trained therapist and he is not responsible for your feelings. You are. I don't mean to sound so blunt but it is urgent that you find some counseling and perspective. For your own sake. Good luck and best wishes.

Op well done for seeking help but honestly you need proper help - I would seek advice from my gp and get some therapy.

Your behaviour is borderline abusive and controlling despite your best intentions and I say this not to make you feel worse but hopefully to inspire you to seek help.

This. But I wouldn't even say borderline. It is abusive to try and control someone's time and curate how they look. I know OP isn't doing it out of cruelty, but it doesn't matter. The outcome is still the same - she's cutting off her DH from things he loves and moulding him to fit her wants and needs. It's emotional manipulation if he's reached the point of sobbing and saying he'll give up his gym time and even make a home gym so she can keep an eye on him.

Absolutely this.

The home gym thing I have squashed because I worry that’s why he was doing it. So Iv said no. Therapy hopefully on route. I am trying here. I do recognise this isn’t healthy. That’s why I was reaching out.

And that's good, but you're getting a very easy time which I don't think is necessarily good in some ways. I'm not trying to be mean, but I think when our behaviour is lacking and impacting others, we need a kick up the arse sometimes and not coddling. Like I said, if the sexes were reversed you'd have about 30 pages of us screaming "RED FLAG".

Reading your posts, it seems you're using your DH as a sounding board to your emotions. There's nothing wrong with being open, but you don't need to tell him everything going through your mind. Especially when you know it's causing him unwarranted emotional distress. You don't mean to be abusive but that doesn't mean you're not being abusive. The actions here are what matters.

In your shoes, right now I'd go and apologise to him, accept your role in this and not mention it again.

Also, therapy will help but it's down to you to make the changes. Therapy only works if you put in the full effort, it isn't a magic wand.

Just my opinion, but I think the home gym may not be such a bad idea, purely from the point of view that it is healthy and models healthy fitness behavior to your children. Who knows, it may be something they are curious about that they may want to join in? Just a thought.
Also, if you weren't home to look after the children, he would not be able to leave home as often as he does. This does not mean that I think he should never leave home, and I appreciate that you currently do not have outside interests. Hopefully that will change at some stage, and then your home life will become more balanced, with both of you taking turns pursuing outside hobbies.

I wish you all the luck, and hope you find peace.

You are like this because you have a very restricted, insular life but it's not satisfying you or your partner. He's widening his horizons with bew hobbies and interests to broaden his outlook. You are trying to hem him in & control him with your MH episodes. It's not fair on either of you so it's good that you're seeking help.

If you had a proper job then you'd have a wider social network. Your hobby jobs are keeping you caged in at home, limiting your social skills as well as making you mentally unwell.

A school friend is married to her childhood sweetheart. They've been together for 30 years. One still needs reassurance. It really annoys the other one. Get help.

I always welcome a kick up the arse! I with what you’re saying totally. I think Iv been in such a pit with this, and he keeps checking up on me that it’s easy to spill. But Iv just text him and said, carry on as you are. And that’s it from me now, I’ll not say anything else about it. Sometimes we all need a kick up the arse.

I’ll also like to just quickly add that the crying at the weekend from him was about a separate issue we had in December that I got upset about but think because I’ve just been such an arsehole to him it’s just built up and up.

can I just ask, as you’re pretty straight talking. was it ok for me to ask him to drop one gym day?

he was doing gym Monday then work then football.
tue nothing, wed gym
thur football
fri gym

i ask if he would drop the Monday gym because i was at home with the kids both end of the day on my own then and also i really didn’t want him to over do it.
but im just wondering if this was ok to do.

iv suggested mon football, Tue gym, wed day off, Thur football, Friday gym.

he also has plenty of gym stuff here if he wants to over the weekend while the kids are in bed. Treadmill, weight bench, weights, resist bands etc.

do you think that was ok? Or still controlling? I really hate that term and it’s scared the shit out of me honestly. Because yes, it really is unhealthy, and I didn’t realise what I was doing. But your comment has really sat with me.