How do me and DH persuade the in laws to calm down??

[ElfinsMum]

DS has had an operation and will be off school for a few weeks. We live in Aus so my PIL have come for six weeks to help. We didn't ask them to come, they just told us and we didn't say no. They are over bearing and controlling and we all find them quite hard work - when we visit them in UK we only stay for a few days. They have no insight, I assume they think we are all just quite weird/rude!

At the last minute they informed us that they would be staying the full time in our house. So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area. DH had been discussing finding a self catering place for them for some time so I assume they sprung it on us as they knew we would say no if they asked in good time. It's not a money thing, they flew business!! This meant that I was already seething before they even arrived.

Since arriving, they have been bossily taking over the household as if DH and I are just two more children. MIL stands watching the washing machine for it to finish so she can immediately hang it all up. I hate that she is handling my underwear, so inappropriate. She insists on shopping everyday so the fridge is fit to bust. Yesterday I really tried to say we didn't need anything and she managed to find one item we had run out of (window spray) and immediately ordered FIL into the car like she had won something. Ironically we were only out of window spray because my FIL had cleaned the car windscreens unasked. The other day he was literally changing settings on our car while I was driving it because apparently our settings weren't identical to theirs = right.

On the day of my son's op, I got home late and exhausted. First thing MIL said was "We've been looking for jobs to do. Would you like me to clean out your kitchen cupboards and line the shelves?" I said no, not v politely. I said she could clean the fridge instead, which interestingly she hasn't done (mind you it is full to busting, see above).

In summary, I feel caught in a power struggle over chores. And like they aren't respecting our/my boundaries.

DH is handling them. He has read enough MN PIL threads to know it's his job. He said as clearly and neutrally as possible that we only want them to help with jobs we ask them to do. It hasn't really made much impact. We have also tried suggesting they go out on their own for spells to give us all a break but they keep saying no.

My DS is stuck in the middle having to spend all day with them. How can we handle this better for next 5 weeks for his sake?

He's helping with it somehow though surely?

He does all the clearing up and washing up - which there is also more of too obviously.

During normal working weeks, they may have to turn out a meal for everyone between them some nights. DH would probably do one of his regular recipes like pizza/pasta. Neither of which his mum would choose to eat but he would just give it to her anyway tbh. She's just super fussy, not allergies or anything.

Yes, it does. I imagine you're astonished at not only their outrageous behavior but also how cowed and different DH becomes when he's around them. The book goes into depth about how you - as the spouse and DIL - can handle both. Knowing your boundaries is key. I think you can get the book on amazon as a download.

I also wouldn't be at all surprised that MIL is extra controlling because you all live in your country and you have your own parents nearby. MIL wants to assert her ownership over all of you as a show of strength against her competitors, your parents.

It's available as a Kindle Unlimited book, so if you have KU, you won't pay extra. I don't know if this applies in Australia, mind, but the download would be very useful to the OP in her current situation where there's limited privacy.

My in-laws, may their memory be a blessing, are no longer with us, but the effect of their behaviour (my MiL in particular) is still around, so this book is on my reading list. Thank you for recommending it.

I would be writing them a to do list and be thankful that their way of showing love is by doing.

Their way of showing love is by imposing their will on op and her family. Their actions are not at all loving ones. Their actions are about having power and control over op and her family. Not all relations are nice and kind snd they certainly are not.

They are only going to do tasks they think that needs doing ie filling the fridge to bursting, messing about with the settings on their car to suit then and washing OPs clothes including her underwear.

Yeah DH and I are working on this. Upthread I posted a draft and asked for more suggestions. Feel free to contribute @littlejo67 😀

There is also a predecessor book by the same author called Toxic Parents. It also has a section on The Controllers from the point of view of the adult child. It's pretty useful for understanding the deranged thinking that makes these parents behave like that.

Here's the first page of that chapter

Second page

A section on the "helping" controller

Do you not see though that FiL not speaking to his sister for 30 years (if you were to enforce your own boundary too) would give you the equivalent - peace and quiet and not overstepping or over staying their welcome.

This is your home.

I think it's time you made that very clear to the in-laws.

"MiL - please stop buying things for the house. We do not need anything more"
"FiL - please just sit down and leave us to look after DS"
"FiL - For the love of God, please stop doing X. Nobody asked you to do it"
"MiL - For the love of God, stop doing Y, you weren't asked to do it."
"FiL & MiL - We think it's time for you to either book a hotel or an AirBnB for the remainder of your break, before any of us says something that we may later regret and ruin our relationship with each other"

Also, if they flew business class on the way out to you, they no doubt have business class flights booked for the return so they can contact the airline to arrange an earlier flight!

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. They won't want to follow a list of jobs compiled by you and DH, they want to do what they want to do, and not be told otherwise.

You said DH is leaning more towards getting them out into a B&B, Rather than poring over lists, why aren't you supporting him more to get that to happen? That's the only way to really handle this. Firm calm words, stick to his.your guns, allow time for them to pack, followed by giving times they can come over to see the GC in limited amounts.

You say there is lots of tension in the house (no wonder!). It's not fair on your kids, especially DS who may well feel it's his fault the GP's have turned up like this. He's unlike to tell you that. If you and DH can't find it in you to take a stand for yourselves, why can't you see you should do so for your children. DH had no choice but to grow up with these people but your kids should. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it makes me a bit cross when adults don't put their kids first in the interests of an easier life.

I also fail to see why the risk of being cut off by PiL's isn't worth taking, though cutting off a sister/SiL is hardly the same as cutting off a son & GC's so probably lower chance of that happening anyway - just some huffing and puffing with a side of guilt tripping. .

Are you a people pleaser OP?. That state really does you no favours and plays right into the in-laws hands.

It does your children no good to see their grandparents constantly undermine you as their mum and dad through such bullying abusive tactics.

You also need therapy re his parents.

I'm torn. Whilst overbearing etc, they sound like they're extremely involved and are doing a great deal. In your position I might have taken the decision to just suck it up because they two seem to come from a well-meaning place. I mean, they're doing your laundry! I wouldn't care about my underwear being handled. It's all getting done. I'd just go and relax.

Why do you think the in-laws here are being well meaning?. Such overbearing and controlling in-laws (words the op has used to describe them) are never well meaning. If uour parents or in-laws did this in your home how would you feel. I do not think you would merely suck it up.

They are doing what they think should be done in ops home and without consultation . Op did not ask for such to be done. These people have imposed themselves upon the op and her family. And for six weeks!

Sucking it up in this instance just gives more weight to their argument that op and her h are somehow not capable. This has also got to the point that op’s husband vomited because of the stress their visit has caused. The in-laws need to leave.

why?

They sound like a nightmare, OP and MIL has the skin of a rhino. But it sounds like you don’t want to completely kill the relationship -yet. They need to be needed so I would definitely give them a list of jobs.
Do not lift a finger yourself for the next five weeks. I would say “PILs, you do not have to do anything in this house. We have everything under control but if you really want to be useful these are the jobs that need doing. Please do only these jobs. Only one job per day”.
Deep clean the bathroom
Deep clean the fridge
Deep clean the kitchen including cooker hood tops of cupboards etc.
Wash, dry and iron all laundry except yours. (Do not put your laundry in the laundry basket. Hang a tote bag on inside your wardrobe and pop yours in there. Buy two of three 5 packs of spare knickers to keep you going Pop a lock on your bedroom door and use it to enforce your boundaries.)
Assist non-ill children to clean out their rooms/wardrobes. Children have total say on what goes or stays.
Clean out garage/ shed/summer kitchen (whatever you have)
Wash house windows - outsides only
Scrub front door/ porch/ step
Clean patio furniture
Brush yard -weekly
Repaint any outdoor fences/ gates/ sills.
Take DGC shopping for the full day and spoil them.
Change all bedding and launder all bedding -weekly.
Ask MIL to buy a bag of snacks that don’t need heating and that she will eat.
I’d immediately stop cooking a separate meal for MIL. I’d do one meal for DS who’s had the op and one meal for everyone else. MIL is served the meal every night. MIL eats snacks if she doesn’t want meal. Do not pander to this madness.
I’d leave them to it and you and DH team tag your DS - so one stays with him and one goes out for some relief.
Id also use them to babysit and go out with DH for dinner one night a week. Go out in the other evenings with your friends. Go out to your hobbies. Take your daughters to the spa or the cinema on your own at the weekends. Do not treat them like guests to be entertained.
Arrange for your DH to also take them for coffee/lunch 2 or 3 times a week to give you a break when you are in the house.
Make this work for you. If you get to the point where you absolutely can’t stand them in the house, explain that both you and DH need to work from home at the same time and need silence. Hospital has also said son needs more rest and a quieter house to recuperate. There is not enough room for them to be in the house too and it is too distracting. Get them to move into an apartment.
Stay neutral in tone but stand your ground. “No that won’t work I’m afraid, MIL. It’s doctors orders and DH needs a silent house for this big new confidential project he’s working on. Im sure we made it clear that we could only host you in the house for a week / 10 days / fortnight etc. I know my parents sent you a list of places nearby so we assumed you’d booked one of these”. Rinse and repeat.
Just absolutely stonewall it. You have all the power here. DH is going to bottle it for all the reasons he’s already bottled it. It’s not his fault.
You, however, have nothing to lose by standing up to MIL. Don’t worry in the slightest what they say or think about you. Everyone you care about already knows what she’s like. You might even find MIL has a grudging respect for you if you stand up to her. Finally, do not tell her about any operations etc until they are done and DS has recuperated. If they decide to descend on you for six weeks again, explain you are all away on a six week sabbatical on the dates they are planning.
Good luck.

I'm going to say something that you might not like .. look at it from their (possible) point of view ..

They have not only come out to see you, spend time with you all but also help. In their weird way they could be desperately trying not to bludge off you and be useful as they know you work.

I say this as my mum was similar and we had a lot of arguments about how I was a capable adult and could do things myself - and how I didn't need her interfering. My mum didn't know any other way to communicate it so if course I always thought she was trying to take over. I resented it. Looking back now she's gone, she just wanted to be useful to free my time so we could spend more of it together. I just couldn't see it.

If there’s one positive here, it’s that the DH also seems very keen to get them into an airb&b

What’s stopping you? I know easier said than done but surely the cost outweighs the stress. You cld explain that then you can do enjoyable things together & give them a holiday at same time. Good luck!

I don't understand? Why are they still there? You should have got rid of them yesterday! Forget the list. Evict them!

I don't understand? Why are they still there? You should have got rid of them yesterday! Forget the list. Evict them!

This!!!!!

I think it's v likely that when I ask them to do jobs they will not do them because the boot is on the other foot. I asked them to clean the fridge last week and they didn't do it.

Tbh I am kind of testing them with a couple of chores today during school hours. I will be interested to see what they do...