How do me and DH persuade the in laws to calm down??

[ElfinsMum]

DS has had an operation and will be off school for a few weeks. We live in Aus so my PIL have come for six weeks to help. We didn't ask them to come, they just told us and we didn't say no. They are over bearing and controlling and we all find them quite hard work - when we visit them in UK we only stay for a few days. They have no insight, I assume they think we are all just quite weird/rude!

At the last minute they informed us that they would be staying the full time in our house. So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area. DH had been discussing finding a self catering place for them for some time so I assume they sprung it on us as they knew we would say no if they asked in good time. It's not a money thing, they flew business!! This meant that I was already seething before they even arrived.

Since arriving, they have been bossily taking over the household as if DH and I are just two more children. MIL stands watching the washing machine for it to finish so she can immediately hang it all up. I hate that she is handling my underwear, so inappropriate. She insists on shopping everyday so the fridge is fit to bust. Yesterday I really tried to say we didn't need anything and she managed to find one item we had run out of (window spray) and immediately ordered FIL into the car like she had won something. Ironically we were only out of window spray because my FIL had cleaned the car windscreens unasked. The other day he was literally changing settings on our car while I was driving it because apparently our settings weren't identical to theirs = right.

On the day of my son's op, I got home late and exhausted. First thing MIL said was "We've been looking for jobs to do. Would you like me to clean out your kitchen cupboards and line the shelves?" I said no, not v politely. I said she could clean the fridge instead, which interestingly she hasn't done (mind you it is full to busting, see above).

In summary, I feel caught in a power struggle over chores. And like they aren't respecting our/my boundaries.

DH is handling them. He has read enough MN PIL threads to know it's his job. He said as clearly and neutrally as possible that we only want them to help with jobs we ask them to do. It hasn't really made much impact. We have also tried suggesting they go out on their own for spells to give us all a break but they keep saying no.

My DS is stuck in the middle having to spend all day with them. How can we handle this better for next 5 weeks for his sake?

Yes I think there is some truth to this. They want to spend time with DH but he would rather chop his own foot off. Got out at 18 and never went back.

Tell them to go home…

If we fall out with PILs my PARENTS will guilt trip me for the rest of rime. "It's so sad", "blood is thicker than water" and on and on.

My PIL are perfectly pleasant acquaintances so people at the distance of my parents can never understand why their family all complain so much. On the flip, one of DH's aunts once actually said to SIL that she was amazed SIL was actually nice!!

A lot of narcissistic people are skilled at reputational warfare, and they instrumentalize social opprobrium with all the stealth and calculation of a sniper hiding in a tall building in a townsquare.

Other people, normal nice people, don't have a single clue what it's like to grow up constantly feeling like you're in the cross hairs of someone who has a lovely charming front but is unwaveringly dedicated to controlling you and cutting you down. So the narc uses those normal people against you, and you're left looking like you're crazy when you try to explain what's going on.

"Oh but she's so lovely!"
"She's always been so charming to me!"
"You must be imagining it, or there must be an explanation"
"She loves you, she's just trying to help you, you're being ungrateful"

I had one of those in my family, I fled Aus for Europe to escape. I feel for your h, no wonder he ran the minute he could.

I wish you guys luck with navigating this.

You know the truth re your in-laws, your parents do not. You do not stand for their guilt tripping, call them out on this every time they attempt it with you. See them
less too if they continue like this. You also don’t need their approval, you are an adult here with agency.

Many toxic people like your in-laws are quite plausible to those in the outside World, in particular those who hardly see them and so are easily hoodwinked.

Ask your parents to have them to stay then. It's obvious that there isn't room in your house so it would be reasonable to ask your parents to help you with this. Being with your PILs daily in such close quarters may change their minds.

Have you explained to your parents the impact your PILs have on you and your DH? Your DH got out at 18 and never went back. Did he ever consider going very low or no contact with them?

Only on MN do people order their parents to leave their house, kick them out in a foreign country and completely ruin any vestige of family relationship.

In real life however...

I'd let your in-laws crack on with the jobs and put your feet up.

I mean we moved to the other side of the world so i would say we are (normally) low contact.

My parents are also in UK btw so no opportunity to send PIL down the road (where they would behave perfectly politely btw so it would be a good solution if available)

Ugh annoying btw double up there. Sorry everyone!

Apologies, I wrongly assumed that your parents lived in Australia.

If your PILs would/could behave perfectly politely if they stayed with your parents, they are obviously making a conscious choice to behave in this selfish and overbearing fashion with you and DH. They have no respect for you and your DH as parents and for your DH as an independent person separate from them. They are obviously repeating childhood patterns in the way that they treat him.

You have to ignore your parents' reaction of 'blood is thicker than water' as they have never experienced bad behaviour from your PILs and you need to do what is best for your family which is getting your PILs to leave as soon as possible, even if it upsets them and your parents.

If OP lets them crack on regardless she will not recognise her own home because it will have been completely remodelled to their taste. They've already caused more than enough emotional damage to their son and the OP and have now invited themselves into their home. They never entertained the idea of actually staying in a hotel. People like these in-laws are emotionally harmful no two ways about it. It is no real surprise either he left home at 18.

DS sharing is not ideal while he’s recovering and is used to his own space.

maybe that is a route for this occasion - 6 weeks too long for all 7to be cramped, ds needs his son room, we’ve helped with a bnb around the corner, school run is at 8 as usual!

what happened with the small list of chores during the school day?

I am not sure this is really directly similar but when DH and I first lived together and MIL came to stay with us the first time, we had quite a small house and a small fridge. I had stocked up on food and drinks, including stuff I knew she liked. she KEPT buying more, and there was nowhere to PUT anything AND things were then going off. I eventually had to tell her that I found it quite upsetting that I'd put all this effort in but nothing I bought seemed to work for her and what did she want me to buy in future. So a bit of guilt tripping.

To be honest, it was a bit of both of us at fault in that while I'd bought lots of things she liked, it wasn't 100% and I now realise that she is probably ND and that control of what she likes to eat and how she eats is really important to her.

BUT, it did solve the problem in that we talked a bit more and came to mor eof a compromise.

But I have always found it relatively easy to be firm with her in my own home so while she can drive me crazy sometimes, I can live with it.

if you are still going for the 'give them jobs to do' strategy, can you give them some jobs that involve a whole day out of the house.

eg: "MIL &FIL, why don't you go to 'location on the other side of the city' to buy some flowers / produce / unique item that DH or child likes so much. And stop at this cafe while you are there ... " [6 hour round trip]

when my MIL visits, I make a timetable for every day of each week and send to everyone in the family so she knows what her role is. So on Monday, it could be "MIL visit museum and lunch out" and Saturday "everyone visit big country house". If she knows there are some family trips planned, she is more happy to also do solo trips and get out of the way.

@ElfinsMum - you wrote "If we fall out with PILs my PARENTS will guilt trip me for the rest of rime. "It's so sad", "blood is thicker than water" and on and on."
How would your parents know if you and your DH fell out with his parents?
Surely they would only learn of this if you shared that information with them. Why would you share that information with them? It's none of their business.

You can have a great relationship with one set of parents and a not so great relationship with the other. Completely normal. I find its the couples that manage to get along with both sets of parents are the ones that are more unusual.

Anyway, getting back to my point - you can put your DH's family on the long finger and establish boundaries and your family don't even need to be aware of it.

I think you missed the boat when they said they hadn't managed to book anywhere to stay....oh what a shame PIL that means you will have to cancel your flights because you are not staying with us

A lot of well meaning normal people, who manage to resolve minor or even major disagreements with their family or in laws with mutual communication, compromise, and tolerance, don't understand what people like OP and her h are dealing with.

People like MIL think they own their child. They have a powerful need to control them. You can't talk to them, because they are not reasonable, they see only what they want, and they are hell-bent on dominating and consuming their child. They don't listen, they see any attempt to talk as a threat, and they will use all sorts of exhausting and stressful (for the target) tricks to derail and control the conversation - crying, guilting, getting angry, saying this isn't how we raised you, respect your elders, getting the other parent to act as the heavy, calling in flying monkeys such as other children, relatives and unwitting bystanders (eg OP's parents) to lambast the adult child etc.

They will do exactly what they want when they want, because at the heart of things, they have no respect for h or op. A list of tasks will likely be ignored, or cherry picked, and they will continue take it upon themselves to do what THEY think is helpful, while bulldozing protests or requests to stop.

Indeed!

I get that which is why I said I don't think my situation is exactly the same. the point I was trying to make is that being very clear, and not feeling guilty about it, is absolutely necessary either way. The batshit ones will still continue to be ridiculous and crazy, but you can at least know that you have not been unambiguous, unfair etc because I think often the problem is that people get twisted up into the crazy rhetoric of the other party and start to hink, "okay, well, maybe I should have been nicer about x or y" and it all just drags on for ages.

In my case, I presented it as all lovely and warm and fuzzy perhaps which I shouldn't have. MIL was definitely a bit pissed off with me, but I let that all roll past me and it made things better. Longer term, I've develoepd a bit more sympathy for her (although having said that, her ridiculous issues around food DO still annoy me sometimes even as I try to be understanding).

Yeahnah they see each other socially a few times per year to bitch about us 😁

Honestly DH has said exactly that 😣

Hallelujah we have some kind of breakthrough: half of the fridge has been cleaned, some flooring has been mopped and MIL ASKED me if she should put a dirty tea towel in the washing machine.

I mean it's not full blown adult equality but it may be a start 🤷

Btw for those of you who have said you have parents or in laws who are similar I do have a couple of good strategies we usually use (but can't while DS is recovering):

1. renting a self catering place for everyone - costs a fortune but means that usually every adult couple has own bathroom and the kitchen is neutral ground so chores get shared more (including BBQ and eating out, neither of which fall to me)

2. Getting the house prpfessionally deep cleaned before they arrive - again not cheap unfortunately but then if they indulge in any crazy cleaning challenges you know it is about them and not you or your house.

Oh and DS had a good day today. First day without the big painkillers 😊

Thank you to everyone reading along at home. Your support is definitely helping. And we're not ignoring all of you in camp AirBnB btw, we just want to a) concentrate on DS for now and not dial up the drama; b) try everything else first

I agree they are good strategies, but you shouldn't have to do this ......... ?????