Partner bought an engagement ring but wants to send it in the post to me

[Lillymg]

Me and my partner have been together for 4yrs and we’ve had our ups and downs like every other relationships. We spoke about marriage and were on the same page when it comes to taking our relationship to the next stage.

Anyway, he told me today that he got me a ring and that he’ll post it. I honestly thought he was playing some sort of prank on me so I laughed it off, until he said “no babe will you be working from home next week” I’m obviously upset and never thought he’d do something like this and quite frankly I’m not sure what to think about it.

I go out of my way to make an effort for his bdays and Christmas and do things that he likes because I know it will put a smile on his face. So him saying that he’ll post the fucking ring in the post had made me so emotional and I don’t know what to think of it now.

I hung up on him because I’m literally crying and don’t want to talk to him right now because who the fuck sends a ring by post? I thought he’d do a romantic proposal and make it special

Ive been crying for like an hour on and off now and he’s been calling nonstop. I don’t even want to talk to him or hear him out at this point because the damages have been done already.

please tell me I’m not overreacting because I know I’m not and I just don’t know honestly

id like to add that we don’t live together due to living 3hrs away from each other and our work. But we do see each other every weekend and whenever I work from home I usually stay with him for a week or two.

Haha, nope. Not every woman does this.

This whole thread is bananas but it seems that this relationship was always doomed. After four years there is no respect at all from either partner towards the other. No point in continuing it.

Heavens, no. I think this obsession with “dream proposals” is a very new thing and (to the extent someone like OP seems more concerned about the proposal than whether the relationship is any good) a very bad thing.

I agree, its incredibly controlling, she says that apparently he knew that she wouldnt mind how it was done. So now she minds how it was done?

Why didnt she propose?

My partner proposed about a month ago, without a ring - still don’t have one now!

It was spur of the moment, we were both unwell after it, and now we’re moving house. Life happened/is happening. Nothing dreamy about it 😂

Or - he must be an awful man, maybe he’ll post it!

I disagree, she isnt assertive at all, she is controlling and passive aggressive. Very childish behaviour.

I’d love to hear his side of this story.

Removing herself from the relationship is not 'controlling'. Controlling is rounding up her friend to try and gaslight and convince her that she's wrong. That, is controlling. Removing yourself from the situation is the least controlling action, and is assertive.

Why because she has self-respect, is assertive, and isn't a simpering handmaiden?

Assertive would have been saying “Steve, posting me the ring makes me feel like it’s not special for you. Hang on to it until you’re back from your posting and we can make a fuss of each other.”

No, because she’s throwing a giant tantrum and refusing to speak to him. That’s juvenile, and not in the least assertive. Assertive would be telling him what he’s done wrong and why it’s upset her.

He made a stupid mistake. If she can’t tell him that like an adult, after four years together, they really are better off apart.

Removing herself from a relationship isnt controlling at all, I didnt say that so not sure what you're talking about

Dictating to someone how they ask you to marry them is controlling.

Apart from this guy going well out of his way to demonstrate how much he ( doesn't)( value you, or that wishes to please you, I would be really concerned about 'popping' any physical thing, a ring especially, in the post!
That's how I lost a very valuable ring, and that was years ago when things were done right, I never saw it again.
This is a perfect, and very early sign that you will be forever disappointed by this guy. I'm also guessing this ring can't be worth much to him, and more importantly, to you OP.

Obviously it was only ever about the actual proposal rather than a whole life together. Sound like the correct decisions have been made.

However. You'll be single forever if you don't allow any mistakes from people. Everyone makes mistakes. This seems to be an unusual level of intolerance.

To be honest, you had me at “handmaiden.”

Putting on your big girl pants and telling your partner of 4 years why you’re leaving them doesn’t make you a simpering idiot, it makes you a grown up.

Are you purposely being stupid or is this a wind up? I've not said give him the benefit of the doubt, I've not even said you should stay with him, I've said if you're going to end the relationship have the decency to tell him you're ending it not just ghost him! If you want to leave him by all means do it, but you haven't actually ended the relationship have you? You've been a coward and just blocked him until he gets the message the 4 year relationship is over. It's pathetic. Just send a fucking text saying "we clearly aren't compatible so I'm ending this" Jesus Christ.

Good for you, fucking good for you. Ignore all the handwringing posts here. It's obvious he knows exactly what he's done, and he can swivel, quite frankly. His inability to communicate is not your problem anymore.

Only an absolute moron would believe they were still in a relationship with you.

Whilst I can see the rationale behind the posters saying you are overreacting and should at least tell him he's dumped - there are experiences (thankfully few) where you encounter something so bizarre, so shocking to yourself, that it takes you completely out of the normal world; the world where we follow the 'rules' of being nice, of being polite, of being accommodating. It's the emotional equivalent of someone tipping a bucket of ice over your head, and you stand there, dumbstruck, too shocked to even gasp. I think this is how his comment has hit you.

And I also think that bucket of ice over your head has done one other thing - it has made the scales fall from your eyes.

You were in a long-distance relationship. They are different from normal relationships where day-to-day life intrudes constantly. Long-distance relationships consist of weekends and holidays and phone calls; and whilst they have their own stresses those stresses are different from the around-all-the-time stresses. And that difference allows you to remain unaware of how long-distance partner is likely to be once they become around-all-the-time partner. He just showed you who he would be as around-all-the-time partner - he would be thoughtless, make no effort, and take you for granted in the most dismissive of ways. And so the scales fell from your eyes and you realised you didn't want this man after all. And that's OK.

I didn’t he asked me a year ago what my “ideal” proposal would be. And I have told him that I would like something small nothing over the top. He said “noted” so am in the wrong for acting like this ? Why ask someone what they would like, and do something crazy like posting it in the mail.

Not stupid at all 🤣!! I’m not giving him a reason like I said! He knows what he’s done and by telling my friends “oh she’s getting the ring why is she overrating she should be happy she’s getting one at least” sorry but hell no!

No unfortunately! He’s in the army and is going away for 6weeks tomorrow. That’s why he asked me if I’d be home and he’ll send the ring by post.

I’m not controlling. He asked me a year ago how I’d like to be proposed too. I told him I’d be happy with something small just the two of us nothing over the top. Never told him that he should do it this way or that way.

He knew but obviously I’m not important enough to him so yeah!! That’s why I’m done

Is it possible he doesn’t want an expensive ring sitting about for 6 weeks and would rather it was with you

He's not proposing because he wants to marry you. This is only to make you happy.

Then he should have planned better and proposed properly before he went away. I assume he's known the date he was going away for a while.

Worked perfectly 🤣

I know in my situation he sent the ring by post because he wanted it on my finger ASAP and logistics were against us. For us that was romantic. The wedding ring he did put on in person. That works for us, it's right for us, it's who we are. You aren't me though and if you feel this shows a lack of care or consideration from him then tell him and end it properly. You need to do what is right for you.