Partner bought an engagement ring but wants to send it in the post to me

[Lillymg]

Me and my partner have been together for 4yrs and we’ve had our ups and downs like every other relationships. We spoke about marriage and were on the same page when it comes to taking our relationship to the next stage.

Anyway, he told me today that he got me a ring and that he’ll post it. I honestly thought he was playing some sort of prank on me so I laughed it off, until he said “no babe will you be working from home next week” I’m obviously upset and never thought he’d do something like this and quite frankly I’m not sure what to think about it.

I go out of my way to make an effort for his bdays and Christmas and do things that he likes because I know it will put a smile on his face. So him saying that he’ll post the fucking ring in the post had made me so emotional and I don’t know what to think of it now.

I hung up on him because I’m literally crying and don’t want to talk to him right now because who the fuck sends a ring by post? I thought he’d do a romantic proposal and make it special

Ive been crying for like an hour on and off now and he’s been calling nonstop. I don’t even want to talk to him or hear him out at this point because the damages have been done already.

please tell me I’m not overreacting because I know I’m not and I just don’t know honestly

id like to add that we don’t live together due to living 3hrs away from each other and our work. But we do see each other every weekend and whenever I work from home I usually stay with him for a week or two.

Ugh, army. Never ever, ever, EVER get involved with any man from the military. They're too dangerous and most seem to have serious communication and personality problems.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all, the fact he isn't mortified and isn't effusively apologetic but is instead gaslighting you with your friend shows he is scum imo. What a prick to not even feel any shame, he really isn't a well-adjusted or balanced person is he.

And good on you OP, ignore the pitiful handmaidens on here who would never have the self respect you do so feel the need to drag you down to their low level. I think you've dodged a bullet, he sounds like a really nasty and patronising and dismissive prick. Buy an expensive (that's even if he could be bothered to buy a proper actual engagement ring, and not a 19.95 ring from newsagent or gum ball machine,) ring, bet he won't have it insured for the post - and just.... pop it in the mail like its a tshirt or book or something?! Christ, Mr Bean would have more awareness than him. It doesn't say much for the military if maladjusted people like him are allowed in. Then again, it fits considering what sort of people are attracted to that work.

Too many times on this site women write on here about their situation where their partner treats them like shit and they STILL stay! Your reaction is EXACTLY how its done! Good on you and please, please don't let anyone guilt you into backing down. You are not 'unhinged' as another PP said, you are assertive. You know your worth. Ignore the simpering handmaidens that assume every other women should have the lack of spine and self respect and self worth they clearly do so have such a skewed perception of how a woman with self respect and worth would behave.

Thank you! I really appreciate your input. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I respect it. However I won’t accept what he’s doing not now or ever! If people think I’m acting like a child or teenager then that’s their opinion. I honestly don’t give a shit.

I know my worth and won’t settle for anything less. Like I said before he knows exactly what he’s doing and I won’t take his bullshit. And if some of these ladies like the bare minimum then hey that’s them but I ain’t taking no BS for no man!

Thats your opinion but I stand by what I’ve said and doing! Some of you ladies are okay with the bare minimum but not me sorry!

I’m not his mother and shouldn’t have to tell him how it’s done. He knows damn well it’s wrong but you folks are telling me I should basically give him the benefit of the doubt? Get the f out of here, honestly!!

Agree with this

Exactly!! If he’s okay with doing something like this then how would he be when it’s couple years down the line ? I didn’t ask for a lavish proposal, i would’ve been happy with a breakfast in bed proposal!

Whatever he’s done, it’s not ok to ghost someone, especially after four years. Leaving someone in “silence” is absolutely nothing to be proud of. It’s utterly cowardly - whatever he’s done.

Grow some emotional maturity and tell him.

This is the first time I’ve actually put my foot down and refuse to be treated this way. He’s never cheated or done anything to disrespect me (apart from this) He was fully aware of what wanted for the both of us but he’s ignored it all and decided to do what he wants without considering my feelings.

But I’m in the wrong for sticking up for myself and not giving him an explanation? Did he have an explanation when he did what he did ? He did it to hurt me so no I don’t owe him shit!

I’m not proud of it but I don’t owe him an explanation as to why I’ve ended things. Where was his “explanation” when he decided to post the engagement ring ? When he was aware I was happy with something small and special for the both of us.

He’s giving me this “ring” to shut me up so I’ve exited and no reason for me to tell him why because he KNOWS!! I’m not his mother

Why were you deciding your own proposal to begin with.

Absolutely not saying I’d be not unhappy if it was posted but I can’t imagine ever being like “propose like this.” Or even talking about it enough for him to (wrongly) try and “shut you up.”

Blocking and deleting your partner of 4 years is wrong. He isn’t some guy you’ve just met, you loved him last week. Get some respect, him being wrong doesn’t mean you have the right to be. Be better.

As he hasn't treated you with any respect I think you are in the right to block him. You don't owe him anything after this. You are not overreacting.

Why were you deciding your own proposal to begin with.

Um, doesn't every girl/woman have an idea of her 'ideal proposal'? I certainly did. We all dream and fantasise. Its normal to have an idea of how you'd want to be proposed to.

Sooooo one of the biggest issues in your relationship has been communication and your solution to feeling slighted is to do a planned sulk for a week? That's your idea of "putting your foot down" is it? Being good at communicating? Standing up for yourself by doing fuck all?

Not a message saying "I'm hurt and insulted that you'd put so little effort into a proposal for me, I want to take X amount of time to think things through then I'll contact you when I'm ready, please stop calling."? No, no, we'll do the super mature thing of silent treatment like a fucking teenager, because that's always so effective at resolving conflict 🙄

I personally think you should just dump him and be done with it, but it's probably a good thing his proposal was such a flop because you are so not ready to be married if this is how you deal with conflict.

Sorry but I do think you are overreacting. I understand your disappointment, but he didn’t understand that you had those big romantic images in your mind, and if you won’t take his calls you’re not letting him explain his thinking to you, or explaining to him why you are so upset.

He was crass and thoughtless but he probably meant well.

But refusing to speak to him again, blocking him, deleting photos etc. because of this incident just shows you can’t really have loved him much, so it’s better if the relationship ends.

It’s good to "know your own worth" but…

Is there was any chance he was checking out to see if you were home so he could come and propose in person?

OP has said repeatedly in all her posts on this thread that HE KNEW exactly what she wanted! He definitely understood alright. Read all her posts.

Considering she isnt communicating at all with him now and says 'he knows', I wouldnt be confident she has communicated well in the past

You can't compare the two, you are making assumptions. As she said, this is the first time she has ever stood up for herself like this.

I have. He knew she wanted something "romantic, simple, just me and him". Well, maybe he feels embarrassed doing "romance". I’m not saying he was right and it was obviously a very poor and crass decision on his part, but to break up so irrevocably with a man she wanted to marry, after being with him for years, because of it, seems odd to me. But I think they are probably right to split up.

So if the ring had come round with him and he had done everything 'right' (whatever that is), it would have been happy ever after with the OP being completely content and in love and sure she has picked the right bloke, but because he makes a rather strange and bizarre suggestion to put the ring in the post, its all over. Just like that?

Without finding out what could remedy the situation, or why in fact he would make such a suggestion.

I think thats more bizarre than the ring in the post issue

But either way, you have that conversation and say, Ive realised you're not for me, we're finished.

As she also said hes never done anything to disrespect her either and she's also got form for long term sulking. So no assumptions made here, the two are absolutely comparable.

I sympathised with OP at first. But having read all her comments, I now think this man has had a lucky escape.

Not every woman no, I’ve been proposed to twice and had zero input in either and didn’t have a predetermined idea of how I’d want it to be.

I can wrap my head around idealising what you’d like a proposal to be, but who’s making a point of expecting it from their partner?

“He knew what I wanted”, why? We shouldn’t be laying the law down on how someone chooses to ask us to marry them, they’re the proposer so surely they can decide.

As I’ve said, I do draw the line at posting it, but otherwise - we shouldn’t be controlling a proposal or going on about it expecting one. They either want to marry you, or they don’t, and if they do then it’s up to them to ask in a way they decide (post aside!)

I'm picturing some kind of 'Gotcha' and the postman is actually going to be Noel Edmonds and whilst you're all tearful at getting a ring in the post, your boyfriend will get out of the Royal Mail van dressed as Jess, Postman Pat's cat.

Do you think that's plausible?

Why because she has self-respect, is assertive, and isn't a simpering handmaiden?