Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

The cause of unhappiness is resentment. There is something in your life you don’t like. The main reason it makes you unhappy is because you feel you are entitled to it. You are “too young for a sexless marriage”. You resent this and this probably takes up more headspace than the problem itself.

A sexless marriage is what you have got. Plenty of people have worse problems. Plenty of people have similar problems.

Accept it and masturbate.

I don't think this is helpful advice. Some of us need physical connection in order to feel loved. Maybe not a full-blown sex but some physical connection. There's definitely some truth in 5 Languages of Love book - we have different ways of expressing and receiving love.

I'm sure OP's wife is in need of a hug. It seems that OP has shown himself to be an unsafe person to provide that.

I disagree with this. I think there's nothing wrong with OP wanting sex and intimacy with his wife. Masturbating is no replacement for sex with a partner.
What he needs to accept is that she no longer wants it and what that means for their relationship.
To just say accept it and masturbate is horribly dismissive. And I'd say the same if the OP was a woman.

Thanks for responding to this. Yes couldn’t agree more. Masturbation is no substitute for intimacy with someone you love more than life itself (my wife in my case). You can’t force someone to want to be with you, so I have to accept that and determine if the rest of what we have is enough (a relationship is so much more than sex). The problem is that sex itself is so much more than the act itself and is about closeness, maintaining a connection, feeling wanted and loved.

I really wonder if OP would be getting these responses if he was female.

Some people on here seem to actively hate sex which is colouring their responses.

In my 50s and if something happened to DH, I don't think I would mind overly if I didn't have sex again with a new partner, but I know that most men feel differently.

I just think it's weird to be so dismissive of something which is so important in most relationships to many people.

Says someone who has not experienced total loss of libido.......

I’m 34 and long term single, so I’m not remotely in the same situation BUT if someone doesn’t want to have sex, well that’s it 🤷‍♀️ I don’t think the other person is in the wrong, but at the same time all you can do is accept it, or move on. Would you really want your wife to just go along with it knowing she has absolutely zero desire? Because I’m assuming that what it is.

Well what would you say to a woman who's DH's penis had shriveled up and had no feeling in it and had suffered cancer etc? I think you'd say she was being pretty cruel to be pestering him for sex and causing arguments every couple of weeks

My suggestion is to look into 5 Languages of Love book and maybe share it with your wife. My language of love is phyisical connection, spending quality time together is my husband's. We try to compromise whenever we can

Well, it worked for me in a very similar situation.

Unfortunately we can’t always get what we want and accepting that brings more happiness than railing against it.

Been reading this thread with interest as I've posted before about my own very painful experience of a sexless marriage. I'm a woman married to a man who has no interest / no libido at all. It's a horrible existence so you have my sympathy.

I have no advice unfortunately. My marriage is very loving, fun, affectionate and supportive however the lack of sex is slowly destroying me and I have come to dislike the affection because my sexual needs are ignored. I'm not a teddy bear or a comfort blanket yet that is what I feel reduced to.

I've reflected and I'm not really interested in sex with anyone else. So I'm stuck in limbo I guess until it simply gets too unbearable to continue.

I'm walking a lot and going to the gym to try and use some of my energy in a constructive way. I don't know what else to do.

I'm in the same situation except there's no physical affection at all. I'm doing all the same things as you but it's very lonely and it's slowly destroying me.

It's not dismissive to push hard against this omnipresent view that sex is a right. It's often not stated outright because most people are aware of the concept of marital rape, but it's there. It is perfectly exemplified on this thread. Several PPs said things that implied that it is moral crime to lose your libido and not want sex anymore. Here are some beauties:

“[it’’s unfair] to unilaterally decide your marriage is now sexless... you just have to accept that is quite selfish”

“If someone gets to their 50s and hasn't had a run in with cancer they're very lucky. However it is no excuse to physically reject a partner for evermore.”

“However in a relationship there should be mutual attraction, people should want to be intimate with their partners. If they don't it is very unfair to impose a ban on everything just because you've gone off it.”

“I’d be really frustrated and consider my partner to be self centred and not considering my needs.”

“I think she's selfish in that she won't recognise the impact on you”

“Many people suffer cancer and of course all women go through peri then the menopause, neither are excuses for just deciding neither of you will ever have sex with each other again. Physical intimacy is as much an important part of a relationship as getting on well.”

“If she doesn't fancy you anymore and won't discuss anything to improve the situation then leave. Or stay and hope that one day in 6mths she may grace you with half arsed sex.”

“So many people in long term relationships think letting their dp know very clearly that they don't fancy them anymore and anything sexual is off the cards is ok. It isn't.”

I’ve said it quite a few times on this thread already:

No one has the right to sex. Not men. Not women. No one. No matter whether you’re married, or had sex thousands of times previously. If someone doesn’t want sex, it is coercive to try to get them to change their mind. It is coercive to whine, beg, push, harry, become grumpy, give the silent treatment, become unaffectionate, become mean, cry, get angry, threaten. And it’s coercive rape if someone has sex because of your behavior: you are then not just a sex pest, you are a rapist.

I hear a lot, “It’s important to me, I need to put my penis in my wife’s vagina/ride my H’s penis, I need it to feel whole/happy/emotional well-being.” And my answer is, your emotional wants are nowhere near as important as your partner’s bodily autonomy. Thinking they are means you are egotistical and selfish and immoral.

Huh “selfish” – that word that was used about OP’s poor wife so often. It’s the pot calling the kettle black.

Probably a lot of the comments that I quoted in my previous post are also partly driven by ignorance about female biology. OP also admitted he had no clue. I don’t necessarily blame the PPs or OP for this ignorance because until very recently (last 3 or so years), menopause was very little discussed and in fact treated as a taboo. Research on it - like ALL research on female medical conditions (unlike erectile dysfunction!) – is beyond woeful. Many women aren’t told about the menopause, what to expect, how to manage it. They often feel embarrassed about their symptoms, are still often dismissed or misdiagnosed by doctors, and essentially are condemned to suffer quietly, while simultaneously experiencing social erasure and disrespect because they start to look old.

To fill in the knowledge gap exemplified by PPs, here are the facts that all people – women AND men – should know. The menopause can be fucking awful and it associates with an enormous global health burden. 85% of women will develop distressing and disruptive menopausal symptoms, which include flushes that have the heat of a pizza oven, can last up to 5 minutes, and can occur 15-20 times a day; night sweats; shitty sleep; bloating like a zeppelin; heavy, weird, painful, and/or erratic periods; suddenly gaining weight; thinning hair; restless legs; urinary incontinence; vaginal atrophy; painful sex; heart palpitations; anxiety; painful joints and muscles; lack of sexual desire; and the worst (for me) - fatigue. The symptoms can start 10 years before diagnosis (it’s called premenopause) and go on for close to a decade after diagnosis. And the symptoms women get nowadays are significantly worse than the symptoms experienced by their mothers and grandmothers for various reasons.

HRT improves things, but because of the ignorance surrounding menopause – including in the medical professions – a lot of women don’t access it early enough or at all.

Based on their comments, four of the PPs who made the comments above seemed to be younger women. I don’t wish it on them but I’d like to point out that statistically, three of those PPs will develop menopause symptoms and of those three, one will have such severe symptoms that they will completely upend her life. I hope by the time it’s their turn, they will have become more educated and sympathetic, and that there has been a LOT more research and education so that they – unlike pre/peri/post-menopausal women today - have ready access to a more well-informed healthcare system and society, better drugs, and improved social and medical support.

I am post menopause.

Been with my husband 40 years.

I would happily never have sex again.

But I love him....so we have sex once or twice a month and I actively participate .

What he doesn't know is I read a few pages of erotic fiction on my kindle to get me 'in the mood' before he comes to bed.

Good luck OP.

I think you are painting an unnecessarily doom and gloom picture of the menopause. Our mothers, grandmothers and women before them just got on with it. They they were fitter because walked everywhere, they ate home-made food, not ultra-processed junk. Menopause was a blessing to most women. It is referred as "Indian summer" in many cultures because in the not too distant past women were still fit and attractive but no longer burdened with a pregnancy every year.

I am in the middle of menopause. I have a bit of fatigue so I often need to lie down for 1 hour in the middle of the day on my days off. And my vagina is dry for which I take pessaries. Apart from this, I am fine. Children are almost ready to fly the nest, I am focusing on my career, life is good. I eat healthily and cheaply (think carrot sticks), I try to walk rather than taking the bus, I try to get to bed early on the day I am tired. And I am doing my pelvic floor exercises. Please stop scaring the younger generation.

'Probably a lot of the comments that I quoted in my previous post are also partly driven by ignorance about female biology'

You seemed to quote me a few times and I'm far from ignorant. We all go through peri then meno, it shouldn't be a death sentence for sexual intimacy of any kind. We've had posts from women too saying how damaging it is to be physically rejected, how awful it is to know you just aren't desired. Women don't have a right to sex either but they're perfectly entitled to their feelings of rejection.

Couples need to have open honest discussions. Tbh I think a lot of people just cba or the sex was alway crap anyway but for those who have had a good sexlife then they should both listen to each other and try to improve the situation.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

Indeed no-one is entitled to sex, nor to demand it of another.

But someone is entitled to be disappointed if a previously loving and active sex life has been lost.

The OP's problem is a simple case of sexual incompatibility and is completely normal, since two people are needed to have sex, and those 2 people are individuals with different desires and needs.

The OP is expressing his disappointment and trying to find a way of understanding the situation better by asking other women.

There is no answer to this problem that will result in both partners being entirely happy.

I also have had hormone positive breast cancer. While I am not allowed HRT, I am allowed to use Vagifem which is topical v. low dose oestrogen that does not enter the blood stream and is brilliant for one's vagina. I also take a v. low dose of an antidepressant which really has helped my hot flushes. A vaginal moisturiser (water-based) is also something I use from time to time too.

Is you wife using Taxoxifen or other oestrogen inhibitors? These can also have a negative impact on one's sex drive. It would be worth asking her consultant/oncologist to refer her to the menopause clinic. There will be ways to help her if she's struggling. Women can really lose their sense of self during menopause, add into that having to deal with breast cancer and the changes it can wreck on the body and it's a lot to deal with. I'm coming up to the second anniversary of my cancer diagnosis and I don't think I have even processed it, it's a lot to come to terms with. There's something about breast cancer treatment that can shred every sense of femininity from a woman. That's hardly going to make anyone feel remotely sexual.

The thing to remember with breast cancer is that it's more an emotional emergency rather than a medical one. It's going to take a while for your wife to feel at home in her skin, more so given she got pushed into menopause. It would be worth reaching out to Macmillan or even her breast care team and arrange some therapy.

Wishing you both well.

As you have open communication and she has no desire to have sex, could you invest in some toys?

By that I mean there are the tubes etc (on boots website, search fleshlight) but she can feel she is participating but is not physically engaged in the vaginal part of sex so it's not so physical for her, but she's still participating for you and you can cuddle .. so that part of intimacy is still there? Also stops the messy affair situation.

I don't know exactly how she feels (as get completely enhanced/increased my desire!) so forgive me if an unappetising suggestion.

I feel really sad for some of the women here who feel like they have to have sex, even when they don’t want to, to save their marriage.

Surely the vows of ‘in sickness and in health’ mean something? You didn’t just marry your partner for their body.

To any woman who feels like they must have sex, even when they don’t want to, please stop. You’ll do far more damage to your relationship as that resentment will stay. If someone is willing to leave you over not getting access to your body- then let them go.

To be blunt: You are more than just a hole for some bloke to use.

'You are more than just a hole for some bloke to use'

Indeed but sexual intimacy and connection is far, far more than that. I'm sorry that you've had such poor experiences.

Low hormones change your emotions and perspective, and not in a good way. Dr Louise Newson, a menopause specialist has written an article on HRT after cancer and it's not an absolute no for HRT. Just because some cancers are fed by hormones doesn't mean the hormones cause cancer. Cancer is a metabolic disease. Also, check out the Stockholm trial. Dr Tina Peers is another one to check out, she had cancer twice and she takes HRT. Hormones also protect future health. There is a greater risk of heart disease without HRT than there is for breast cancer on it. It also protects from osteoporosis, vaginal atrophy, uti's, incontinence, musculoskeletal syndrome of menopause. I'm saying all this as it's possible to get back to almost normal on HRT so it's worth doing the research. There's also a Facebook group for both women and men on hormones and HRT.

I am 53. Still perimenopause (I think!), on hrt but have zero libido. Can't orgasm, even on my own and sex hurts now. I can't remember the last time I had sex. I feel like a complete failure and like part of me has died because I just don't want sex. I am intimate with my husband in other ways, I pleasure him(is that a phrase these days ) we hug, hold hands, I give him massages, we laugh, spend time together, enjoy each other's company, support each other, share problems, talk about growing old together. He told me when he was 50 he hated the idea of never having sex again. I hate that idea too if I'm honest but I'm hoping some interest might come back again one day. I would be utterly devastated if my husband left me because I couldn't have sex. We are so much more than that one thing. You say you need sex to feel intimate and close to your wife, I'm certain she needs to feel intimate and close to you too. You need to consider what other things you can do to fill that need that don't involve sex. Talk to your wife about doing those things. Tell her you can accept no sex and mean it.

All these people who are saying they still have sex when they don't want to because they love their husbands and aren't being selfish, can't have gone through the menopause. The lack of libido isn't like when you just don't feel like it, it's so much worse than that. 😔