Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

Not wanting sex due to past sexual trauma or in an abusive relationship is of course understandable but not what we are discussing here.

I don't think it's fair to say ' just gone off it' There are clear and good reasons why the OP's wife no long wants to have sex - the cancer and treatment and not being able to have HRT which means a lack of desire common to a lot of woman around the menopause. Add to that the pressure I'm sure she feels under its no wonder she's not interested. There's nothing more off-putting than being groped at every opportunity when you're not in the mood. She's probably scared to show any affection because it will be misinterpreted. What if men have ED or a condition that makes them unable to have sex , are women supposed to run off with someone else? I think a lot of women who love their DH would be understanding, not badger them all the time for sex which they're unable to provide.

Having sex that you don't want to have is traumatic. I would be willing to bet that the OP's wife has some sexual trauma. She has been having sex that she does not want for her husband. She has no sex drive, the hormones are gone.

She has children so has been through pregnancy and childbirth, she has been through surgery and removal of her reproductive system.

I think that is what we are taking about.
'Nice' people with socially acceptable intentions can be abusers. People can be left traumatised by 'good' people.

It really confused me when so many men came out in support of Me Too, before I realised they thought it wasn't them too

It definitely isn’t.

Jeez, you still don't understand. The reason a lot of women are traumatised is because of men with the same brutish thinking as you: that they are owed sex.

Again: no one is owed sex. No matter whether you're married, or had sex thousands of times before. If someone doesn't want sex, you must accept it. And you're free to leave.

In OP's case, his wife didn't withdraw sex willy-nilly out of a petulant whim. I imagine she hoped her desire would come back. Or that she could put up with occasional sex. But after 6? years, neither is the case, and she's drawn her line, and OP must accept it and find the most palatable solution for himself.

And btw I use strong language - such as likening deeply unwanted sex with one's partner to sex with a corpse - to emphasize how horrible and psychologically destructive it is to have someone bagering you for sex - and then actually acquiescing reluctantly to it - when you have zero desire.

Because otherwise the message doesn't get through to people like you.

There is no solution...this is just the cruel reality of our longer lives and the way society is set up. I'm 52 and my periods stopped at 45 so I'm going to be on my own for the rest of my life. I really wish that this wasn't the case...I desperately want to want sex but I just don't. It doesn't help that men my age are mostly repulsive anyway (not you - I'm sure you're lovely!).

Some interesting thoughts about why the solution to sexual incompatibility rests with the woman taking drugs to boost her libido rather than the man having some bromide in his tea.

Thinking about it, either makes sense.

Very often women have been stuffed full of drugs and hormones for decades because of their reproductive systems so maybe they have done their bit on that front.

It is interesting that this problem, rather than being seen as a couples problem, often leads to women being pathologized as if there is something wrong with them rather than them just following an inevitable natural process.

But then we come on to the social structures surrounding sexual activity ......... a can of worms.

It is a challenge for many couples, but it is good to see that the OP is trying to understand it from a female perspective and is not simply leaping off to find another outlet. Respect.

This site is for women.

There is a dadsnet, I don't go on there and stick my beak in, they can whine about women to their hearts content. Like most of the internet really.

Some of the terminology on this thread is really disturbing. It is sad to read how some people perceive intimacy. No-one gets 'rammed'

@Janiie You have completely misunderstood what this poster is saying. She is talking about submitting to have sex you do not want to have. Having sex you do not want is not 'intimate' in any way. It is nothing like the experience of mutually enjoyable sex, of mutual pleasure giving and receiving.

Instead that poster is talking about the dehumanising experience of reluctantly allowing your body to be used to pleasure another.

@LoyalSwan I could be your wife (I'm not BUT...).

Very similar position. Cancer. Not safe to take hormones. No libido.

I have no intention of doing something sexually that I don't want. This is sad for my partner. BUT I was honest with him and told him I'd understand if he wanted to split up. He didn't and he also makes comments about being unhappy about our situation but...

I think he assumes that because I haven't found a new person to be intimate with, it means that my interest in that aspect of our relationship will return. It's not that, it's actually that without libido I have no interest in another partner, ever. I actually wish I'd had this loss of libido 30 years ago. It would have stopped me making some seriously bad mistakes, partner wise, and I'd have had a better, more successful, happier life.

I do appreciate that, but there are ways around it. Lubricants experimenting with different positions/ toys etc. I had some birth injuries after the birth of my first which made sex quite uncomfortable but we worked round it, things that worked before didn’t anymore and we had to get a bit creative and try new things. I’m not suggesting OPs wife just accepts painful sex that would be unacceptable but to just throw her hands up and say no I don’t want to and you must just accept that isn’t conductive to a healthy and fulfilling marriage. Lots of post menopausal women are enjoying sex into their 60s/70s/80s and beyond. Their physical relationships may look different to how it looked in their 20s and 30s but can still be just as fulfilling.

Just to say, when this first became an issue, I forced myself to have sex with him. It was having the very opposite effect that I assume you want. It was making me avoid any sort of time with him, and not wanting to be in his company at all. I started to actively dislike him.

Since I've stopped forcing myself, I'm back to enjoying his company again.

What you are suggesting is appalling you are suggesting that a woman who doesn't want a man to touch her. Be on her and be in her! just lube up and get on with it. You are also diminishing women's experience for the sake of their male partners benefit. It doesn't matter if so n so was shagging well into her 60s not every woman can manage and there is nothing "wrong" with them.

I would just say to you OP- If something happened to you tomorrow that meant you were no longer able to have sex and had no desire to whatsoever, how would you want your wife to treat you? It seems to be that because a woman has a vagina and therefore can have/be forced/ persuaded to have sex she should whereas if a mans equipment didn't work I can't imagine a woman trying to persuade/ force him to have sex, she would accept it wasn't possible. She could decide to leave him I suppose but if she really loved him i don't think she would. Things happen in life that aren't in our control, a loving relationship adapts to that.

If the OP's wife has vaginal atrophy just "lubing up" and enduring sex (that she doesn't even want) might not even be an option. Atrophy is more than dryness. It usually includes physical changes to the vagina and vulva that make penetration painful or even impossible. Not all women experience it but many do to varying degrees. Being on HRT doesn't always prevent it and topical estrogen can sometimes improve things though not enough to make penetration comfortable for all women.

Now all that doesn't mean that couples can't have intimacy, but piv intercourse may be off the table. The OP's wife isn't "selfish".

This is a case where neither of these people is at fault. The OP isn't unreasonable but his wife has been dealt a lousy hand with the double whammy of cancer and menopause. Life isn't fair.

OP, you can certainly leave your marriage but I have to be honest - I know many single men in their 50's and plenty of them aren't having sex on a regular basis. Trouble meeting partners, not attracted to the women that actually do show an interest, performance issues....But I guess if you were single you'd be free to pursue it.

Sympathies for the both you of you.

I'm not sure if you know, but hormones don't just control desire and sexual thinking. They also play an essential part in sexual pleasure. Without sufficient amounts of estrogen & testosterone, having her clitoris stimulated would be like you trying to get any sexual feeling out of touching your elbow.

Except a lot more painful I imagine @EarthSight

OP I sympathise with you and your wife. Imagine this scenario though, your wife is a 3 star Michelin chef, she’s a feeder, loves to cook and feed you, in particular. You have to have a gastrectomy for cancer. You are now sated with half a yoghurt. But your wife keeps trying to put a three course meal in front of you, drop hints about eating, perhaps urge you to take some medication to stimulate your appetite. Her feelings are hurt each time you say no.
It won’t work.
There’s a lot of psychology involved in eating and obviously intimacy and all you can do is provide the right environment for any feelings to return if they are naturally going to. I bet she adores you and wishes she could wave a magic wand. I expect she feels guilty also (irrationally). I’m assuming she didn’t have a mastectomy as you didn’t mention that. Of course that will hugely affect her.
Take it off the menu and don’t stop with all the other physical affection and her desire for intimacy may well return.

For many people, sex just isn’t important. I’m one of them and I believe so is my DH.

My libido was always higher than his, and when younger it frustrated me. Now I’m 55, and out the other side of the menopause and I feel brilliant. I’m literally bouncing off the walls with energy like a squash ball.

I’m in a good place and my marriage is much better than it’s been in many years.

Do I want sex?

No! I can’t be arsed. I snuggle up to my DH every night on the sofa, we snuggle up in bed, hold hands, hug and kiss. Sex though, both CBA.

I know friends whose DH chase them round for sex but I’d not swap mine for the arseholes my friends are married to.

If I became single I wouldn’t want to see another penis or get serviced by one. Penises are actually quite horrible.

@Motherofdragons24 you say lots of post menopausal women are still having great sex lives and 'are' in their 60s, 70sand 80s - you missed the flip side - lots are not!!

I'm 63, know lots of women my age and a bit older and of the sample I know the only ones who have much of a sex life at all are those who have met new partners within the last few years - and are still at the keen stage ! I'm not saying women can't have this if they've been married 25 years plus but in the sample I know it's not common- and in most cases it's the women who aren't interested- in a couple though it's the men

And that too. When hormones reach a certain point, the vagina starts to atrophy. I think it can alter the PH as well, which is uncomfortable & painful when it comes to penetration.

Sex could be quite painful for a woman if her vagina is dry. Pain during sex kills desire completely. Can she try a vaginal pessary? It's got very little hormone. It can get those prescribed by her GP.

Could you go private?

A good private menopause specialist would look at all options, they won't just rule out HRT because of breast cancer. There are options

I wonder if she is averse to intimacy other than sex because she thinks you may use it as a way to try and initiate sex? If so, perhaps there is a way to discuss this with her and set a limit of what is ok.

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