Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

I spoke to my breast cancer nurse who checked with the surgeon and they were happy for me to take it. Had a struggle getting it though, saw a consultant who warned me about male pattern baldness and an enlarged clitoris. More to do with his issues I think... Neither happened.
Nor did the libido make a come back.
It's difficult, you both have my sympathy.

You could try other ways of ‘maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved’. There are many, many other things you can do to achieve these aims. The thing about sex is that it is completely hormone driven so there won’t be any desire without those hormones and sex without desire from one party is absolutely going to do the opposite of maintaining connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved’. What about massage (a course or getting couples massages) or a shared hobby?

Of course, there is always the option of asking for an open marriage, if you are happy getting those things from another source. The polyamory community is very accessible these days. Obviously this is hugely dependent on you and your wife’s feelings about monogamy and I’m assuming that you probably have some idea of where she stands on that (interestingly, in my own relationship, allowing my partner to have sex with others actually reignited the sexual spark between us because it took some of the pressure off me!).

Op myself and dh went through this, not menopause related but just me never having time for sex and him feeling he was begging, he said sex to him is love and intimacy, and he thought I didn’t love him and as a result he started hating me. I said what about the cups of tea we share the walks the hugs the laughs etc etc. I won’t lie, our relationship has fallen badly, I can tell he doesn’t feel the same about me, he said he’s trying to get his head back to where it was and thinks we’ll be fine, I don’t know. I wish wish wish he’d told me he felt it that much as it happened. Hope ye all get it sorted, it’s been tough for both of you

I'm a woman and I need sex to feel loved and appreciated. That feeling of being desired is what makes a relationship more than a friendship.
In my opinion, any partner who takes sex off the table without being willing to discuss options, is acting unfairly.

I think the poster who compared himself to Popeye is right and realistic.

Sometimes shit happens in life and you have to ask yourself what is more important to you - your long term relationship with your wife and mother of your children or sex.

If the situation were reversed and illness or accident meant you were unable to have a 'normal' sex life or any sex life at all, how would you want your wife to respond. FWB, affair, leave or accept the new reality, accommodate to what was possible because she didn't just view you as a functioning penis?

You know you are asking the impossible. If you are honest you do not want intimacy without sex being on the agenda. You don't want your wife to grin and bear it. You want her to want to have sex. But know this is a physical impossibility and was one of the things cancer robbed her of. You are torturing the poor woman.

For her sake you have to decide whether sex is the most important thing to you. Obviously she would be hurt if you chose the possibility of sex and think you shallow but at least she would get peace and space. Don't be a coward and start an affair and claim to be a victim. Your wife deserves better than that. Again, consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

I think men don’t understand that for some women sex is something that is done to them. It’s invasive and that can feel horrible. Just leave her alone!!! You can’t really love her if getting your rocks off is more important than her? Why are men like this?

It’s a very difficult situation because you still have desire and she can’t control her lack of hormones eradicating her sex drive.

I think you need to take a step back. I understand you want to be with your wife but her just doing it because you want to isn’t what either of you want.

I think you need to take sex off the table for the time being. Your wife probably does feel pestered and pressured and that doesn’t put anyone in the mood. It can make someone feel like a piece of meat as opposed to a sexual partner. I realise that’s not your intention and I think it’s lovely that you clearly love your wife.

You have to consider that not only has her hormones been absolutely decimated within the last couple of years but her body has had to endure the hardships of horrible cancer treatments and mentally she’s had the trauma of a cancer diagnosis and subsequent fight for her life. It’s no wonder she’s switched off. As such, it might take a while for her to get switched back on.

Curently, she probably feels that any kind of physical contact or shows of affection will lead to you seeing that as a green light to try for something more. So, she’s possibly withdrawn all affection so as not to feel under pressure to put out. Maybe you need to communicate to your wife that you understand that what she’s been through a horrendous time and you want to take sec off the table and instead, you want to feel close to her emotionally. Tell her that you miss mom sexual physical touch like holding hands or having a warm hug. Tell her that you’d like her to be more demonstrative with her non-sexual communication and telling you that she still loves you. That having that would be a massive help for you to feel close to her. Tell her that you want to build emotional intimacy and you’re happy to take sex off the table. This doesn’t have to be forever but I think taking the pressure off sex for a while might be what you need to do in order to build back up to it in the long run. And im talking about for the next 6 months because if you say sex is off the table and then 6 weeks later try to instigate sex from a hug, she will think you’ve just said that to try and get her back in bed. It will take time for her to feel safe again and know you’re not going to push her when she’s not ready. Show her some patience and understanding and cherish the fact that she’s still here to even have this issue. Build emotional intimacy without sex and you might find she starts to warm to the idea again naturally. If after 6 months you haven’t been able to even build emotional intimacy, then you might consider marriage therapy before deciding if you can continue.

I know this must be really hard for you and I admire your willingness to stick with your wife throughout all of this. That’s what a good husband would do. Your wife is lucky to have you. Just give her a little bit of TLC.

Yes, if you've got zero desire, the idea of being penetrated and rammed can be utterly revolting.

Because that's what sex means to you at that point: someone doing something very unwanted and invasive to your body.

The visceral revulsion is similar to what you feel if you think about sex with a close relative or a corpse.

Love this thank you.

@BlackEyedFrozenPeas I agree with you 100% - I'm 63 , had a few health scares and have made it clear that I just don't feel that way anymore - and if the offer is 'put out or else' I would be going with the 'or else' - as a woman it's very hard to just engage in sex if you are mentally not into it anymore- it made me feel really uptight and upset - I can't explain why but it certainly wasn't anything like pleasure. I appreciate that's hard for OP to accept so he has to make choices- sometimes choices in life are hard or unfortunate but it's also very hard on OPs wife knowing that not wanting sex may end her marriage.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta unfortunately I hit that point around 57 and that's when I had the chat - that's exactly how I felt it suddenly repulsed me, especially when they wanted to go down on you all the time- something most women are meant to like-it suddenly utterly gave me the creeps - I did make it clear that I totally understood if he would rather separate if that was the case.

Yes, if you've got zero desire, the idea of being penetrated and rammed can be utterly revolting. Because that's what sex means to you at that point: someone doing something very unwanted and invasive to your body

This is really perceptive.

I feel quite angry at all the women on this thread trying to tell this man how to manipulate his wife into doing something again that she has been clear she just does not want to do. Because that's what all this, 'just wait and take the pressure off' stuff is about. Its ultimately about trying to manipulate her into a state where she will want to have sex again. OP is not really being asked to respect her clearly stated position that she does not want a sex life with him again. She has been very clear that she does not want sex again and does not want to put the work into wanting to have sex again.

Its just appalling that other women are not listening or respecting what she is saying and instead encouraging this man to keep on having hope and keep on creating situations where she may want sex again.

Exactly why is he asking advice from other women. He should just listen to his wife. She has been clear.

Absolutely. He's looking for other women to tell him what he wants to hear.

All he needs to hear is what his wife is telling him. She is clear. She doesn't want counselling, or marriage therapy or sex therapy because she doesn't want to get back to a state of wanting sex.

It really is that simple.

I agree, and hope my posts haven't given him false hope. In my case, some flickers of lust grew back after perimenopause but only after 5 or so years of absolutely zero pressure or expectation from H and with HRT.

OP's wife has to go through menopause without HRT. That all by itself must be so hard. On top of that, she's faced the terror of death, and the misery of cancer treatment. And then she's had years of stress knowing she doesn't want sex and experiencing OP's frustration and pressure about that.

I think the chances are very low that she will experience the small resurgence that I did. If OP decides to stay in the marriage, he should do so with complete acceptance of the idea that he will likely never have sex with his wife again.

I was looking for a varied view tbh from other women in a similar position, so that I can understand it better and not just what I want to hear (because that won’t help me or my wife in the long run). I won’t cheat on her, or tbh even ask her if I should involve a third party, even if it means nothing more ever. I’ve told her many times I just want to be with her (so it’s not about me just putting my dick in someone) and yes I am finding it difficult that she doesn’t want to do it (it doesn’t matter which way you dress it up, it feels like a rejection - I’m a human being with feelings and desires and I can’t help the way I feel).

'Yes, if you've got zero desire, the idea of being penetrated and rammed can be utterly revolting. Because that's what sex means to you at that point: someone doing something very unwanted and invasive to your body. The visceral revulsion is similar to what you feel if you think about sex with a close relative or a corpse.'

Some of the terminology on this thread is really disturbing. It is sad to read how some people perceive intimacy. No-one gets 'rammed' and saying the revulsion is like imagine sex with a corpse is again, disturbing. I hope you're ok .

No one should have to persuade anyone to do anything. In a healthy relationship there should be mutual physical attraction and if that is gone then you accept it have an open relationship, or leave. Bit of a depressing end to a relationship but if they won't talk and try to fix things what else can you do.

I lost my libido in my 50s and frankly felt totally under siege. Add in that my OH had a neurodegenerative disease that made him hypersexual and out of touch with the social niceties that go with relationships. And he thought I was trying to kill him and was organising lesbian dates - I look back on that time with horror. It was hell.

I'm older than your wife - 60 - suffering from menopausal symptoms for about 8 years now, My interest in sex has completely disappeared. I honestly think of it like say, hanging out the washing - I don't hate it but there are lots of other things I'd rather do eg read a book, watch tv etc,
I've had some gynae procedures over the last year which has meant I've felt even less interested in sex tbh. Ironically, as a result of some of these issues, I was actually put on HRT 6 months ago.

It hasn't made the slightest bit of difference to my sex drive - I honestly wouldn't be in the least bit bothered if I never had sex again.

Wouldn't it be odd if instead of women taking hormones to boost sexual desire, men took hormones to reduce theirs?

Not saying that's what you should do, op.

But your wife's view isn't a problem, it's a fact. You have a set of options of how to respond, but making her change her desires to fit yours probably isn't one of them.

You were also affronted at MrsSlocombesCat for saying that not wanting sex but being coerced into it is consenting to rape. Which she is completely right about.

No one is owed sex. Not in marriage, not in any circumstances. You don't seem to understand this.

Just because you love sex does not mean everyone else should as well. And in fact, it doesn't even mean that you will continue to love it when your own hormones wear off.

You would do well to read up on unwanted consensual sex and coercive rape so that you don't become a sex pest who causes her partner to dread going to bed. The "Tea and Consent" video will be a good starting point for you.

@Haroldwilson ha, ha- I've often thought this - it's a very male way of looking at it - the Mrs needs to take something to pep her libido up- not the bloke needs to take something to make him less needy

'No one is owed sex. Not in marriage, not in any circumstances. You don't seem to understand this.'

I do understand this. However in a relationship there should be mutual attraction, people should want to be intimate with their partners. If they don't it is very unfair to impose a ban on everything just because you've gone off it.

There is no need to liken anything to sex with a corpse. I'm not 'affronted' just think it is inappropriate language.

I find this quite gaslighty. This in particular is very patronising:

No one should have to persuade anyone to do anything. In a healthy relationship there should be mutual physical attraction

Many women have been in sexually coercive relationships, even with 'nice' men. You are very fortunate if you are an adult heterosexual woman and you haven't experienced that. Their (our) sexual trauma is the result of abuse from men, not a deficiency in womanliness.

On many levels of course many of us are not OK in answer to your question. There are frankly not enough therapists in the world to deal with it.

That is, of course, aside from the hormonal changes that PPs on the thread report meaning that sexual desire is totally gone.

Medication for men instead of the women is an excellent idea.

I think you're very insightful, OP.

What do you think about individual therapy? It might help you understand that your wife isn't rejecting YOU. It might also help you accept that your - and her - lives have taken this difficult path, so that you can both find renewed joy and pleasure and comfort in your relationship.

Or you can get therapy to help you end the marriage. Therapy can be a really helpful tool.