Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

OP, yes it sounds bad but could it be that they just wanted parents but your sister went top as she is not going to the other wedding?
Could it be that you travelling would have involved somebody having to put you up?
Do you have children? Did they want to keep it child free?

So just go and do the paperwork. The two of you. Dress up or don’t dress up, have a little celebration afterwards, or just go about the rest of your day. If it’s really just insignificant paperwork and the other thing is the actual wedding.

But don’t get dressed up to the nines, fly people in from overseas, invite all your family (except one person you actively keep it secret from), go for a posh meal and plaster it all over social media, then gaslight that one excluded person by saying it means nothing.

The brother’s reaction to that perfectly pleasant text suggests he was braced for a bad reaction from the OP because he understands precisely how cunty they’ve all been.

I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like this, OP - especially as you sound like such a kind and accommodating person. Fuck the lot of them. Save the money you’d have spent on his overseas extravaganza and treat yourself and DH to a lovely weekend doing something special and fun.

Let them stew in their own juice. They deserve each other, and you deserve far, far better from people who are supposed to love you 💐

Something similar happened to me and one of my brothers. Except i found out from an acquaintance i ran into in the supermarket (her daughter was friends with one of my brothers daughters). I also thought i had a good relationship with him until that point. My mum had gone to the wedding and chosen not to tell us. She claimed they are shy and didn't want any fuss (fine but at least drop a text to people after you've done it if you are going to tell randoms at the school gate). I didn't know she had gone until years later when she asked me to find a picture on her iPad and I saw pictures of her with them signing the register. I've never got to the bottom of why this happened and it killed the relationship between brother and me. My relationship with my mum is also very strained and I don't share anything with her now. I haven't seen him for 8 years. My mum to this day believes I am being oversensitive and will not accept that I have any right to feel hurt. I've just had to accept my family dynamic is very very odd.

Good. OP, I am the one in the family who was expected to suck things up. I really feel for you. They're being almost cruel sending you pictures, etc. I'd spend the money for the wedding on something for you - going somewhere else. And then step back from them. It'll hurt, but so does this. Please take care of you.

Haven't read everyone's responses, but have read enough to broadly agree with the sentiment and support you have received on here. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.
Your thread title stood out to me - it suggests someone who is used to having their feelings minimised or belittled, and therefore doesn't trust in their own emotional responses. I relate to this, and tend to sit with things for a while and see how I feel, which is what it seems you are doing at the moment. Apologies if I'm completely off the mark. I hope this thread helps you to figure out what you want to do next.

Gosh, how hurtful!

Not inviting you in the first place would upset me too, but I would probably just quietly seethe and do my best to get over this as I do believe people should have whatever wedding they want.

But all sending you pics and updates on the day? Your brother spoiling for a fight about it then subsequently ignoring you? That is downright malicious. I am not surprised you are upset.

I would be absolutely heartbroken by this, I genuinely felt tears pricking my eyes reading your OP. You are not being a baby at all - it's unfathomably thoughtless, at best, and sending you the photos is downright cruel.

I'm completely stunned. They invited the whole family but not you to their little get-together? That's just terrible.

Do you have kids? Could it be because they didn't want any kid noise?

Edit: Sorry, just remembered that you're 54. So probably no small kids.

My first thought was that they will try and minimise their roles in how you're feeling, and gaslight you that you're ruining the lovely day they all had.

I'm so sorry this happened.
I've had a similar thing where my parents and brother left me out of a pretty big secret, actively kept it from me for months until my idiot brother let it slip.

I honestly wouldnt go to your dB big wedding now, I think it will be a reminder of how they hurt you.

No, none of this. My children are grown up, I only have one left at home and he's 19.

I would sort myself out if I was staying over, no need for anyone else to be put out.

That's the reason that my sister was a witness, because she can't go to the overseas wedding.

But my parents weren't witnesses. Neither were the bride's parents. And they managed to attend from another country.

My point is that I wasn't told. That's the part that makes no sense, since my family talk a LOT of shit, and there is NO WAY that they would've 'forgotten' to mention it.
So they deliberately kept it quiet, and then pretended they didn't.

I think you have been treated really badly OP and I would be very very upset in your shoes. I can't get over your lovely congratulations message being described as snippy!!

As the oldest child who often finds myself in the "peacemaker/reasonable person" role I also completely see why you have had enough and are not inclined to contact you brother or go to his wedding. You are right though that this is how family feuds/estrangements start.

My advice would be to call your brother. You shouldn't have to, he's an absolute coward not responding to you for 3 weeks and I think its because he knows you are justifiably very hurt and he doesn't want to hear it. I would call him and tell him very directly that you were and are very upset by not being invited, being kept in the dark, being sent photos of everyone else in the family celebrating on the day AND his subsequent response. Depending on how that conversation went I would then make a decision about whether to go to the second wedding or not.

My logic would be relationships are fairly broken at this point and I'd rather let him know exactly what my feelings are. After that if its broken and unfixable then so be it but I think I would want to have my say. I would also be saying to your DM that you are very hurt and you have every right to be and no you won't just get on with it as if nothing has happened.

I am not trying to make excuses but I can just about see how the formal wedding may have snowballed and there was no intention to hurt you or exclude you - even though they did. Possibly it was originally intended to a really quick no big deal with just bride and groom and 2 witnesses, then they chose one sibling each and he chose his Dsis who couldn't attend the big wedding, then parents got wind and decided to come, there was a numbers limit in the registry office so they thought we'll just have 6 and then someone booked a restaurant etc and your DM was expecting that your DB would contact you and explain and he didn't (pattern there?) so by the day came round she felt really awkward about it happening behind your back so decided to send you pictures so that they could think of it as oh SweetBabyCheesus wasn't excluded , it was just the legal bit she's coming to the proper one, she's busy/ wouldn't have wanted to come, we sent her photos etc etc. Pretty shitty though - they owe you an apology, particularly your DB.

Nothing new to add that hasn’t already been said @SweetBabyCheesus . Your feelings of hurt and anger are completely justified. For me it would be the secrecy behind it - all of them knowing it was going to happen and then sending you pics on the day like you’re a distant friend - and then the “have I done something wrong” - knowing full fricking well you’d be upset.

all who knew need to take responsibility and apologise. YANBU!! I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and I have no answers on how to ply it with the abroad wedding - I think however you feel you want to. I hope relationships can be salvaged after this 🥰

Bloody hell, this is incredibly hurtful. As everyone (and OP) has said, it's one thing doing a "quickie, limited numbers" thing and explaining it to you in advance and making it fair. It's quite another just cracking on without you AND sending you photos, then doubling down and behaving like you're wrong for being hurt.

I would be devastated by this as well. If none of them can see how cruel and hurtful this is, especially when there were all sorts of other options (like them treating all the family fairly/telling you in advance/you offering to wait outside and join them for photos and meal). I'm so sorry for you. It's shit of the lot of them.

I think you've answered your own question, you sound like you always put your family first and they really haven't with this wedding stunt. I think they have all been really mean and uncaring and I wouldn't be rushing to contact them any time soon. I definitely would tell your brother to stick his wedding up his arse!

I would be really upset. I'd have asked if my invite had gone astray rather than congratulating him.

I'd be so devastated if this happened to me. I know it's the brother's/SIL's responsibility most of all, but the indifference from my mum would kill me as she of all people would KNOW how much this would hurt. It's almost as if she's downplaying it purely to keep the peace, not because she genuinely thinks it's fine (you'd hope). I don't know what to suggest OP - you seem to have two options: paper over it, bury your feelings and carry on so as not to cause a massive family rift (not that it would be YOU who caused it) or stand your ground and distance yourself from your family. Neither of these are good options really because the damage is done and how you feel inside probably won't change that much, even if they issue you a grovelling apology. You'll still always remember how terrible it felt when you found out you hadn't been invited.

Just this morning I scrolled past another naff inspirational quote on instagram, but this one actually stuck with me: 'You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate" - it made me think, god I've been a people-pleaser all my life, I wish someone had told me this when I was about 15. Not saying this is you at all, but maybe it's an argument for not being the one who smooths things over yet again.

I doubt from what you've said in other posts that this would be the right course of action for you, but if this was me I'd probably write my brother and SIL a letter outlining exactly how I feel in an honest but very calm way. I find it hard to be articulate and rational in person but am good at it in words. Then the ball is in their court - and if they never respond, I would know that it wasn't because they had misinterpreted me in some way. And then I think I'd have to step back for a while and somehow try to come to terms with my own pain. I hope you at least feel validated and buoyed by everyone here acknowledging your hurt.

Hi Op, I'm so sorry this happened to you. There are so many layers of cruelty in this that I'm aghast.

You said you're not sure how to play this. Would you consider getting some therapy? There are so many sharp edges here and I wonder if talking it through will help to dull those.

OP I totally understand you. What you said was not chippy at all, it was as you read it, a guilty conscience prodding you to react. And all you did was speak kindly from the heart. You have read everything correctly.

However. I see the point of a PP who suggests that maybe the day got away from him, maybe he wanted to address it on the day, did it wrong and now feels it's too late.

I know you're sick of having to be the bigger person however I cannot see why this would be a true deliberate snub. More like, oh shit, it was supposed to be parents only and not over dressed, why has Dsis been sent photos of everyone celebrating, why didn't I manage this better or invite her in the first place, this looks awful. Now she thinks she's been left out of a full wedding and it was only supposed to be the paperwork and it's turned into a big thing. Bollocks.

You could message him. 'hi Stephen. Congratulations again on the wedding ceremony. It's your and Maria's celebration, but I would like to speak to you before the wedding date itself. As I think you understand it was quite a shock to be the only one not to know anything about the the registry office service given that the rest of the immediate family attended. Please do get in touch. I would like us to clear things up'.

That way you've tried, after the day itself but in good time, and can make a decision on the wedding accordingly. I know you're saying you don't want to go now but I can envisage not being sure what to do much nearer the time when he's wrapped up with travel and arrangements.

There's peace in knowing you've done all you can.

They've been dicks though, I'm sorry.

It's definitely something I could deal with in writing. I'm much better in writing than verbally, and also I won't cry, which I feel makes me look weak 🙄🤣

That may be the way to go. A nice long message detailing why I'm so hurt.

But the fact is - they've fucked it. Again, if any of them knew me at all, they should have realised. Actions have consequences.

But confront it I must. They have all hurt me hugely, and the fact that none of them seem to understand why, baffles me.

Oh, they understand all right. They just don't want to admit they've acted like twats bc then they'd have to apologise and make amends.

Im guessing it's very rare for them to ever admit wrongdoing and you're usually the fall guy OP?

I am so sorry op, that is shit. Something similar happened to me years ago. I found out about it when a relative posted pictures on FB the following day. I had spoken to most of them in the previous week but, like you, they had deliberately kept it from me. None of them could explain why they hadn't told me and I was so, so hurt about it. It destroyed my relationship with all of them and I haven't seen them in years now. I still get tearful when I think about it but they really did not give a shit that they had hurt me, so the only thing I could do was walk away.

Such a shitty thing to do to you, I can only imagine the pain you felt/are still feeling. Him saying the ceremony abroad is the 'real' or 'actual' wedding is wrong though, isn't it? The registry office WAS the wedding. He got married. And the whole damn lot of them kept it a secret. Shame on them.

Agree with this. OP, I would definitely text him and ask when is a good time for a call as you'd like to discuss it and try to clear the air. This isn't backing down or conceding any ground at all. It's in your interests as you'll have the opportunity to ask him about the decision making that led to your not being invited.
After the conversation with your DB, you can decide what to do about the second wedding celebration abroad.
I really feel for you. I've been left out of family things and been devastated, but nothing like this, it's so clearly out of order and for your mum to pretend otherwise is unforgiveable. I really hope your brother acknowledges how wrong it was and apologises.

Utterly speechless and so angry on your behalf. Hugs

@SweetBabyCheesus I really feel for you. This is awful. You say you have a close relationship with your Mother, but not being provocative... what Mother would go to this ceremony whilst keeping you away from it? I have adult DCs and I would be saying "hang on, what about Cheesus. I'm not coming if she can't come, you cannot leave her out".

It's no good her saying it's not a big deal. It IS a big deal. To be one sibling deliberately excluded is just not on. Do not contact your brother. Wait for him.

I totally get this situation because I have had different things happen like this to me and it's always been "Oh Tulip will be fine, don't worry about her". And sometimes I'm not fine and it's not OK. And my Mother used to just tell me not to make a fuss, just like yours. Sometimes you get sick of being the afterthought. I always gave in to keep the peace too, but you don't forget.