Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

I really feel for you, @SweetBabyCheesus. This could not be more hurtful.

We had a civil ceremony before our non-legal humanist wedding. We invited our best man and bridesmaid as our legal witnesses and had a really lovely posh lunch afterwards. Our families knew we were doing this but none of them minded not being there because none of them were. It was the equity that mattered.

Would you and your brother normally have been in contact during this time frame? Is his silence unusual?

It's not so much that I'm the fall guy - more that they depend on me to be diplomatic and keep the peace. The part about me that they have forgotten is that I have a really bad temper 🤣

Of course I'm not going to go shouting and screaming, but I have to have the conversation with him. And the way he deals with that conversation is the important part of how this will turn out.

YANBU at all. So hurtful for you.

Can I please just ask about your step dad OP.
Did he send you the photo of your mum out of decency, having only just realised that you weren’t invited, and to let you know what was happening as he didn’t want it to take place without you knowing? Could he be an ally to you in all this …someone to talk to who understands how you must be feeling.
Or did he send you the photos out of ignorance, thinking you would also be attending. What prompted him to send that first photo? I would want to know.

Is it possible your step dad told your DB what he’d done as soon as he saw him that day which is why you so quickly then received messages and photos from DB who was suddenly full of guilt and on the defensive now that you knew and desperately trying to normalise the situation.
Maybe it was DB’s intention that you never find out and he was cross with step dad for letting the cat out of the bag. Either way, it’s just as hurtful of course, but again,I would want to know exactly what sort of betrayal it has been.

Can you contact your step dad to ask how it all panned out and why he sent you that initial photo of your mum? It might lead you to the truth of the situation at least and help you decide on a clearer way forward.

I am sorry that you went through that.. the fact that you have to check with us if your feelings are valid, suggests to me that your family are in the habit of minimising your feelings. How could you be anything other than upset - you were excluded from an important family gathering - the real wedding, in fact. Your family tried to downplay its importance, to ease their own guilt. Forget about the wedding abroad, for your own sanity. Treat yourself to a nice holiday with what you would have spent. By all means give a little gift if you want, but I would not go out of my way for any of them again. You don't have to fall out, just be unavailable. Like someone else said here, keep your dignity. Give them the gift of missing you, and enjoy your life and peace of mind. Happiness awaits x

It's not unusual for us not to speak for weeks at a time, that's normal too. But I would have expected some contact after he got married... Lol.

Even if it did snowball as some pp have said, they should have told you.

They knew it looked bad and you'd be upset which is why they didn't tell you.

So it's interesting why your step dad sent the pic? An ally? A sh@t stirrer? Or was he the fall guy so they could then come clean?

I don't think writing to them will help, they absolutely know what they've done. It will only make you feel more vulnerable.

Perhaps ring your db and give him one last chance to apologise.

This may be a long shot, but is it possible that this non-invite to the wedding has caused you to have some sort of epiphany about your family, which will dictate where you go from here? Could it be a blessing in disguise? If that's baloney, just ignore this.

This is also something I've considered. Stepdad isn't manipulative at all. He must have sent me the pic just because it was a really nice one of my mum. Pretty sure he thinks the same as her, and doesn't understand why I'm bothered. It's so fucking bizarre, all of it.

I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel if this had happened to me..

My adult DC are not close, do not really get on well but neither would do this to the other and they will both know for certain that I would not go along with or cover up any such behaviour.

Of course there are all kinds of practical reasons why it might not be possible to include everyone in the civil ceremenony but none of these reasons explain the secrecy or the posting of pictures immediately afterwards. This must surely have been embarassment that the OP had 'found out' otherwise it would look like delberately rubbing salt into the wound.

The brother's response to the OP's message is cold and defensive. He knows what he has done.

It's certainly given me some insight into how fucking self-involved they all are! And definitely given me some clarity as to how I'm thought of. It's proper crappy.

But how can you not be bothered? Why would your stepdad think that?

Have they all had collective amnesia together and forgotten you exist? Surely it's no odds to them that you are there, why would they decide to do this? So many questions I'd want answered...

Do you know, I'm starting to wonder if they all talked about this, and agreed it made sense for you not to come because a) they needed limited people, b) you live far away c) you're definitly coming to the big shindig in the other country but then, EITHER, they therefore are defensive because to them it seems so obvious and theyre not getting that it's teh secrecy you are upset about OR, they have decided that you are "sensitive" and that's why they consciously didn't tell you about it and now you being upset has made them all sit around nodding to each other while murmering, "see, this iss why we didn't tell her. She's so hysterical about this stuff."

Obviously, to be clear, I think they are 100% wrong. But I can't help wondering if actually there are more issues in this dynamic than perhaps you were consciously aware of and possibly you've been ignoring a lot for a long time.

Yes, surely your stepdad can’t really think you wouldn’t be bothered? I reckon he, in typical man style, assumed you knew about it but had some reason why you couldn’t make it/had decided to wait till wedding abroad to celebrate. “Typical man style” meaning he wasn’t interested in the actual reason, just assumed it had all been discussed by you and your Mum.

I understand completely, OP, my story of my DB's wedding is not nearly so bad but i still felt hurt and sad. We are close, (it's just us, these days) and I am very fond of his
wife too.
DB and his long standing partner decided to get married (actually a civil partneship) a few years ago and only told us after the event-- well, the same day but after it had all happened.
Not quite the same because I don't think any of his partner's family was there either, just a couple of friends who were witnesses. I get that it was all very low key but they did dress up, have photos taken and went out to lunch with the friends afterwards too.
I'd have loved to have been there, even if it was just for the lunch (and we'd have more than happily taken them out, as a wedding gift).
I do love my brother and sister-in-law but I am still sad I couldn't go to their wedding. I did tell them we'd have loved to come along....

Totally agree with this. You're the scapegoat, the other two are the golden child and they can't handle you having feelings and needs.

This is completely something my family would to do me, because they don’t like me 🙃 it’s really shit.

I am so sorry your family have done this to you. It’s shitty - it really is.
A similar thing happened to me a good few years ago and I have never forgotten. A family holiday was organised as a present to my Grandmother. My Auntie presented her with an envelope with details of the holiday at a family meal. Everyone around the table had been invited and had taken time off work etc apart from me and my Daughter. I didn’t know what to do or say. I would have upped and left had I not come in the train and needed a lift to the station. The feeling of being left out is horrible.
I have never forgiven my spiteful Aunt for that. She showed her true colours that day.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. I cannot understand why none of them, particularly your brother, spoke with you about this beforehand and why they don’t understand your distress. It is totally bizarre. No wonder you are upset and hurt. I don’t have any advice but I didn’t want to read and then move on. I am so sorry that this had happened to you.

OP I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of reassurance - you’re not being a baby, they’ve all been dicks (particularly dm and db) and it would make me rethink wedding attendance and relationships going forward, no doubt about that…

God that's so hurtful and your poor daughter was left out too. What an awful aunt.

Was it a really expensive dinner or anything? Clutching at straws here.. It's completely understandable that you're very upset. It's disingenuous of them to act as if they're surprised you're upset, as you say if they didn't think you'd mind, why did they keep it from you? They knew you would mind.

This is totally deja vu for me with more than one situation in my family.

My close brother got married for the second time. My DParents had 12 grandchildren. My brother said space was short at the reception so could I please not bring my children but all the rest would be going. I said "Why mine?!" They were very well behaved (more so than some of the others) and to exclude two of the cousins out of 12 is just plain mean.
For once in my life I said NO, that is unfair, either make room for them or none of us will be coming!
He eventually relented, after making a huge song and dance about it... he really didn't want them there and I've never forgotten because it was a pattern of behaviour that good old Tulip is easygoing and won't mind. For once I bit back.

Well they obviously didn’t tell you because they wanted parents only ( with exception for sister who could not travel). They were worried if you found out you would ask to come, The fact that the brides parents had to travel a long way does not make them any less important. They are certainly more important than you.
They did not want to make a big thing out of this wedding and the more they invited the more it would grow. If they invited you they would have to invite the brides siblings.

OP I think you will find that the ‘wedding abroad’ will not happen