Page 8 | Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

SweetBabyCheesus · 2025-02-10T13:13:26+00:00

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one! I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same. My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great. A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country). I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too. Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt. Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!" I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx" He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped" I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time? I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later. I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited. My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me. I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me. The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me? I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me? Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me? I'm just gutted.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 10/02/2025 15:10

Yanbu at all but you know that.

There is no way in hell I'd be:

1.Contacting your DB first
2.Making a scene/ announcing i wasnt going so they could use against me
Or...
3.Going to that fucking wedding

Continue to say not much and proceed as if attending but in passing mention to your parents an ongoing health issue which needs upcoming surgery you need (make it plausible and serious enough - ablation or something) but you dont have a date.
The date would then (sadly) be smack in the middle of the wedding and you cannot attend.

I usually wouldnt advocate something this duplicitous BUT i feel like all bets are off with these assholes and medical cause makes it harder for you to be painted as an unreasonable villain in their tale.

After that id be dropping the rope amd goig LC at least....

Tweedled · 10/02/2025 15:10

You said they don’t seem to understand why you’re upset but they perfectly understand because they know it was out of order. They’re all just pretending and sticking together. There will definitely have been conversations about this.
You don’t just totally exclude one Sibling from of a big celebration.
Your brothers reply to go straight on the defensive was because he knows it was a shitty thing to do whatever the reason.
As pps said, you are the stoic one, the one who will put up with their shite and still come back for more because you are the most decent one. It’s very sad and unfair.
I wouldn’t be contacting any of them and I most certainly would not be paying out a lot of money to go abroad for the wedding.
Let them crack on with their lives without the peacemaker to keep things nice and smooth in the family.
See how long that lasts.

RubyRedBow · 10/02/2025 15:11

What has your sister had to say about it?

senua · 10/02/2025 15:13

Brother, mother, stepdad and sister are out of order, no question. But I think new-SIL (whom OP has known for 12 years) also bears some responsibility, too; it was equally her guest-list.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 10/02/2025 15:13

All he needs to do is apologise, say he didn’t think it would be a big deal or didn’t realise how upset you would be or some rubbish like that, and tell you he loves you very much and he really wants you to be part of his special day.

If he can’t even bring himself to do this, I don’t see how you can go to the wedding. The onus really is on him to make this right. If you have always been the peace maker everyone will just except you to suck it up and move on.

After done therapy, I confronted my family about something and told them I was upset for the first time in my life and I actually got an apology for the first time ever aged 35 and some effort was made to make things right. From what I understand from other people this is unusual and it’s more likely he will stick his heels in.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 10/02/2025 15:14

Tweedled · 10/02/2025 15:10

You said they don’t seem to understand why you’re upset but they perfectly understand because they know it was out of order. They’re all just pretending and sticking together. There will definitely have been conversations about this.
You don’t just totally exclude one Sibling from of a big celebration.
Your brothers reply to go straight on the defensive was because he knows it was a shitty thing to do whatever the reason.
As pps said, you are the stoic one, the one who will put up with their shite and still come back for more because you are the most decent one. It’s very sad and unfair.
I wouldn’t be contacting any of them and I most certainly would not be paying out a lot of money to go abroad for the wedding.
Let them crack on with their lives without the peacemaker to keep things nice and smooth in the family.
See how long that lasts.

All of this.

Your brother was looking for a reason to turn it on you OP. What a shower of shits they are.

INeedNewShoes · 10/02/2025 15:18

Ouch OP. I really feel for you. Of course you're upset and anyone saying you shouldn't be is playing games.

Original poster

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 15:19

To answer a few points, because I've had a much bigger response to this than I was expecting!

Of course I want to paper this over, it's my nature. I want to go to my little brother's wedding, of course I do.

But it turns out he's already married. To all intents and purposes, I've been invited to the evening do. I'm his sister, not some work friend.

I haven't spoken to my sister, but that's not I unusual, we are not particularly close these days. And I already know how she will react, and I will be left feeling even worse.

I haven't blamed my mum more than my brother, but she and I have a good relationship emotionally, or so I thought. We are very alike, and I thought of all people, she would understand why this has hurt me so much. But no.

I am not prepared to just pretend this didn't happen. I sound like a very passive person here today, but I am far from that.

I just genuinely am struggling with how to play this.

OP posts:

Original poster

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 15:20

senua · 10/02/2025 15:13

Brother, mother, stepdad and sister are out of order, no question. But I think new-SIL (whom OP has known for 12 years) also bears some responsibility, too; it was equally her guest-list.

In fairness, I've only met her a handful of times, but when we meet, we get along really well.

OP posts:

Topseyt123 · 10/02/2025 15:21

That was incredibly mean, hurtful and thoughtless of them! Anyone would be gutted by that.

They must have known how it would come across to you unless they are just utterly thick and have had a collective empathy bypass!

Don't contact any of them now. They've fucked up so it's on them to own it and come to you. If they don't and they aren't contrite enough then definitely don't go to their real fake wedding. Save that money and use it to go on a lovely holiday with your partner and children instead.

As and when your brother and co do make contact then I'd be tempted to let them have both barrels. They shouldn't just get away with this.

Original poster

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 15:22

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 10/02/2025 15:13

All he needs to do is apologise, say he didn’t think it would be a big deal or didn’t realise how upset you would be or some rubbish like that, and tell you he loves you very much and he really wants you to be part of his special day.

If he can’t even bring himself to do this, I don’t see how you can go to the wedding. The onus really is on him to make this right. If you have always been the peace maker everyone will just except you to suck it up and move on.

After done therapy, I confronted my family about something and told them I was upset for the first time in my life and I actually got an apology for the first time ever aged 35 and some effort was made to make things right. From what I understand from other people this is unusual and it’s more likely he will stick his heels in.

And this is exactly how I feel!

He knows what he's done.
I've laid myself bare emotionally here, this is not something I usually do at all, I hate anyone seeing me upset.

All he needs to do is own it. Now does he not know that?

OP posts:

Annielou67 · 10/02/2025 15:22

The other way of looking at this is that, like many people getting married abroad, they had to have an official ceremony, which was intended to be a quick get together as far as your brother was concerned and then got unintentionally bigger and ‚got away from him.
I can see this happening - starts with bride/groom and two witnesses. Mum from abroad feels v strongly and the bride wants her mum at the actual wedding. Then to even things and so your mum won’t feel out of it, your brother invites his parents. They say , but sisters have to come and the whole thing starts to snowball. A line has to be drawn. With relatives from abroad, a meal is arranged. It doesn’t necessarily mean your brother doesn’t love you, it means a low key part of the arrangements got away from them. He prob realised it was happening and stuck his head in the sand, not realising the optics were not good if everyone got glammed up and it started to look like the „real“ wedding, it would upset people.
You need an apology and the truth, without guilt or gaslighting. I’d feel shit too - but I’ve sort of been in this situation and have seen how things can escalate.

LazyArsedMagician · 10/02/2025 15:22

I'm so sorry @SweetBabyCheesus I'd feel exactly the same. What a stinging endorsement of how they feel about your presence there.

Like you, I don't think I could get over this. I really don't. You've made it clear I'm not important enough to be there, what makes you think I want the consolation prize of (like you said) flying to another country for the evening do?

LazyArsedMagician · 10/02/2025 15:23

Annielou67 · 10/02/2025 15:22

The other way of looking at this is that, like many people getting married abroad, they had to have an official ceremony, which was intended to be a quick get together as far as your brother was concerned and then got unintentionally bigger and ‚got away from him.
I can see this happening - starts with bride/groom and two witnesses. Mum from abroad feels v strongly and the bride wants her mum at the actual wedding. Then to even things and so your mum won’t feel out of it, your brother invites his parents. They say , but sisters have to come and the whole thing starts to snowball. A line has to be drawn. With relatives from abroad, a meal is arranged. It doesn’t necessarily mean your brother doesn’t love you, it means a low key part of the arrangements got away from them. He prob realised it was happening and stuck his head in the sand, not realising the optics were not good if everyone got glammed up and it started to look like the „real“ wedding, it would upset people.
You need an apology and the truth, without guilt or gaslighting. I’d feel shit too - but I’ve sort of been in this situation and have seen how things can escalate.

Sorry this is bollocks.

I can also see how it would escalate....but to exclude one sibling and one sibling only? No. Not the same.

Original poster

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 15:24

Annielou67 · 10/02/2025 15:22

The other way of looking at this is that, like many people getting married abroad, they had to have an official ceremony, which was intended to be a quick get together as far as your brother was concerned and then got unintentionally bigger and ‚got away from him.
I can see this happening - starts with bride/groom and two witnesses. Mum from abroad feels v strongly and the bride wants her mum at the actual wedding. Then to even things and so your mum won’t feel out of it, your brother invites his parents. They say , but sisters have to come and the whole thing starts to snowball. A line has to be drawn. With relatives from abroad, a meal is arranged. It doesn’t necessarily mean your brother doesn’t love you, it means a low key part of the arrangements got away from them. He prob realised it was happening and stuck his head in the sand, not realising the optics were not good if everyone got glammed up and it started to look like the „real“ wedding, it would upset people.
You need an apology and the truth, without guilt or gaslighting. I’d feel shit too - but I’ve sort of been in this situation and have seen how things can escalate.

Again, I totally get how this happens - soo just TELL me. Don't leave me to find out by the pictures of you all having a fucking lovely time without me.

OP posts:

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 10/02/2025 15:24

They're all really mean. Damn. YANBU at all.

ginasevern · 10/02/2025 15:24

Honestly, I couldn't in all conscience go to the overseas wedding after this. This was an unbelievable snub from your whole family. In fact this is one of the most hurtful things I've read on Mumsnet. I can't believe your own mother thinks this is OK on any level.

Original poster

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 15:27

ginasevern · 10/02/2025 15:24

Honestly, I couldn't in all conscience go to the overseas wedding after this. This was an unbelievable snub from your whole family. In fact this is one of the most hurtful things I've read on Mumsnet. I can't believe your own mother thinks this is OK on any level.

Honestly @ginasevern this is one of the most hurtful things to ever happen to me.

OP posts:

Gloriainextremis · 10/02/2025 15:29

It wasn't 'the formal bit', it was the actual wedding.

Horrible to leave you out like that, and I'd have been gutted as well.

Original poster

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 15:29

All of you have been so lovely and supportive - thank you so much, you don't know how much I needed to hear this today

OP posts:

BetterWithPockets · 10/02/2025 15:31

Oh, OP… I’m so sorry. This is really shit.

There was a thread recently on here where someone’s mum was getting married — for financial rather than romantic — reasons. A local sibling was invited to be a witness/for a celebratory meal but not the OP. In that instance, I could see both sides. But in your case, unless there’s a massive backstory you’ve not shared, this is all on them — and made worse (imo) by the fact you sound sound so lovely. I really hope your DB replies (although I realise as time goes on that looks less and less likely) and apologises. It won’t undo the damage, I know, but acknowledging the hurt he’s caused would at least be a step in the right direction.

Topseyt123 · 10/02/2025 15:32

Annielou67 · 10/02/2025 15:22

The other way of looking at this is that, like many people getting married abroad, they had to have an official ceremony, which was intended to be a quick get together as far as your brother was concerned and then got unintentionally bigger and ‚got away from him.
I can see this happening - starts with bride/groom and two witnesses. Mum from abroad feels v strongly and the bride wants her mum at the actual wedding. Then to even things and so your mum won’t feel out of it, your brother invites his parents. They say , but sisters have to come and the whole thing starts to snowball. A line has to be drawn. With relatives from abroad, a meal is arranged. It doesn’t necessarily mean your brother doesn’t love you, it means a low key part of the arrangements got away from them. He prob realised it was happening and stuck his head in the sand, not realising the optics were not good if everyone got glammed up and it started to look like the „real“ wedding, it would upset people.
You need an apology and the truth, without guilt or gaslighting. I’d feel shit too - but I’ve sort of been in this situation and have seen how things can escalate.

Of course that could have been what happened, but then he needed to speak to his sister about it to explain things and come up with a solution. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would have known how hurtful this could be, and that there was zero chance of her not finding out.

Instead it looks like he buried his head in the sand hoping it would go away, and this is the result - driving a coach and horses through his relationship with his sister and causing family tension needlessly.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 10/02/2025 15:32

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 10/02/2025 15:05

They kept it from you because they knew you would be upset at being excluded (understandably).

Your message to your brother was very measured given the circumstances.

Your brother hasn’t replied because what could he say? How can he fix this?

He could apologise for having hurt his sister's feelings so badly, for a start!

BunnyLake · 10/02/2025 15:32

Crikey OP that is terrible. You are definitely not being U. Very very hurtful and thoughtless of them to not even have the decency to speak to you about it beforehand.

You have every right to feel gutted, they have behaved extraordinarily badly.

LostittoBostik · 10/02/2025 15:34

I bet what @Topseyt123 is exactly what happened.

In which case what's really hurtful for her is her mum covering for her lazy, thoughtless brother instead of putting him bang to rights.