Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Yes but sometimes you can't if they have booked witness only registry office then that's that isn't it? They are having a proper wedding it just isn't legal here so they need to do the paperwork in this country.

Absolutely fucking not.

That's awful OP....ask them how they thought it would make you feel, when they dismiss it, ask them again. Awful, I have 4 young adult children and would hate to think any of them did this and that I was in any way complicit.
So sorry, you must be so hurt.

The money you would have spent on the wedding you should use for something else. As you said you are in your 50s now so why should you exposed to a toxic and hurtful situation by your brother, sister and mum. If that was me I would diplomatically tell them to stick the wedding up their arse. If it was just your mum and her parents their then that wouldnt be as hurtful. But as you said yourself you moved away and always felt less. Honestly take a back seat away from them all x

Your brother is an absolute prat and the rest of your family little better. Firstly, he is now married, however much he refers to the European ceremony as the "real wedding". (One of my DC had a similar situation due to Covid - registry office with only parents in attendance and a big party the following year, including a humanist ceremony. When I think about their wedding it's usually the big party but everybody knows they were married a year earlier.)

Secondly, despite you saying he likes to face things head on he has not contacted you for weeks. If he really thought you were in the wrong wouldn't he be in touch asking for your apology? I can't imagine a registry office so small it could seat 6 guests but not 7 (unless inviting you would have meant including your DH and 10 children).

You are right to be hurt.

I know that

I understand, my brother announced he was getting married and we were invited but then they decided to book a smaller room at the registry office and just have their parents there ( at least partly so that my SIL didn't have to invite her sister who she doesn't get with) so we were univited.The idea was to have a celebration later with more people invited but on that day one of my kids was in hospital having an operation so I couldn't even go to that.
I reacted very emotionally to being uninvited, I was hurt and upset and it took me a while to forget about it and my parents didn't seem to get it. My Dad in particular doesn't understand anyone making a fuss about anything and doesn't enjoy weddings ( waste of money, attention seeking blah blah blah...)

The secrecy makes the act feel deceitful. It feeds into paranoia (what else have they said or done?) and reinforces family dynamics and feelings of being 'othered'.

I would feel excluded and unloved too.

I feel upset and slightly sick just reading this - and I know nobody involved in the scenario! Your brother deliberately not telling you about the wedding is one thing and bad enough - but to have roped in all your family and for them to participate in the deception is absolutely unforgivable! If, as you say, your mother tells you things about her hairdresser's cousin there is no way that she would not have mentioned the wedding, spoken to you about her dress, hat etc - so your brother has obviously specifically told them to keep quiet and they have gone along with it! How awful for you.

I don't agree that you need to be the bigger person or smooth things over and continue as you are - what will be the next thing you are excluded from? How can you ever trust any of them again?

I think you've just got to the root of your truly hurt feelings. You're 'the peacemaker and the smoother' who is putting her mother's feelings and wellbeing before her own, but no-one considers you. Have you done that with your brother too? That doesn't explain the lack of wedding invite though.Whatever you do about the wedding, it's time to ditch this peacemaking role and enjoy your life on your terms. You've already moved quite a way from them, so something must have been up that you already know about.

That was really hurtful and I’d struggle to get over it. He’s basically telling you that you don’t mean as much to him as the others that were invited.

I wouldn’t be going to the other wedding.

Your message was in no way “clipped”. What were you meant to bloody say?! You were very restrained bearing in mind you must have been quite shocked.

He knew you’d be upset but is trying to spin it back on you. Also… why send you pics on the day?! How bloody insensitive of them.

I would mute them all and have a break. Don’t say anything to anyone about it any more. Don’t reply to stuff, unless a direct question. Maybe plan as if you’re not going to the wedding. If he doesn’t reply, don’t turn up. How dare they try and make out you’re being sensitive!

It’s not about you though is it, it’s their ceremony. Yes yanbu to feel hurt by this, of course it would sting. They need to do the formal bit and need witnesses. Your sister was probably only invited along because she can’t make the wedding.

The secrecy followed by the bizarre sharing as if it was the kind of thing that happens every day and it wasn’t remotely wrong to have kept it a secret!

I imagine that OP is struggling to work out what exactly they had to gain by not having her there, given how much of an effort it must have been to keep it a secret.

Not beg to talk, no.
But I would be messaging, saying "well, its now been X amount of time and Ive had time to think (more like STEW!) over this situation and I will not be going to your wedding, since you didnt think I was important enough to even tell me about the registrar wedding in London, when everyone else was there.
And you havent even had the decency to even text me back.
Have a nice life!"

Just something like this, to demonstrate how upset you are, and that it wasnt inconsequential. And sure, this might implode your relationship, but hasnt that happened already?

The only thing you did that was unreasonable was that you probably shouldn't have admitted to being upset until the day after the wedding (even if he did goad you into it).

They've treated you appalingly.
If I were you I wouldn't bother going to the main wedding and risking further poor treatment.

They're already married now anyway so it's just a party. Bow out.

It’s not unforgivable they didn’t invite her to the ceremony. They could have explained their reasons and let her know, she may still have been hurt but she wouldn’t have been so blindsided. She could have asked to still come to the meal. I think she’s more upset at the lies and sudden BAM - “here’s all our lovely family photos!”

It’s not about you though is it, it’s their ceremony. Yes yanbu to feel hurt by this, of course it would sting. They need to do the formal bit and need witnesses. Your sister was probably only invited along because she can’t make the wedding.

That doesn't in any way explain the presence of the wife's parents and brother though? If the OP's sister was there only because she couldn't make the wedding party why was it considered important enough for everyone to get dressed up to the nines and for her family to fly to another country to participate?

They kept it from you because they knew you would be upset at being excluded (understandably).

Your message to your brother was very measured given the circumstances.

Your brother hasn’t replied because what could he say? How can he fix this?

I actually agree with this. I am all for keeping a lid on feelings and not making a big deal etc etc, however I find the fact that your mum and stepdad never even mentioned it to you at all, let alone your brother, to be heartbreaking. So hurtful. I would be devastated to be honest, and I don't think I could forgive them. What on earth were they all thinking, not to even mention this to you.

I think that your feelings are completely understandable OP. I would feel the same. I hope that it is helping you to vent them here and to get some validation, advice and support. I haven't read the full thread, but I have read your posts.

What I would say to you is, what is your bottom line here? I think you are at a fork in the road with your brother and the family. You are right that this is the way family feuds begin. My bottom line would be that I love my brother and family and the very last thing I would want is to be estranged from them, however difficult families can be at times. Yes, like you, I do have plenty of experience of that. I always imagine if something happened to any of them tomorrow or whenever, how would I feel then, would I feel that what had caused the estrangement had been worth it? Most probably not. Years can be wasted on these things. None of us are perfect or get things right all the time. Your brother and family have made a mistake and they have really hurt you. You have told them and so they do know that. It sounds like in their minds not inviting you was for logical (to them) reasons, and not that they intended to hurt or diminish you.

I would be the bigger person and move forward from this. To do this though, you will need to be strong enough to draw a firm line under it and not keep referring to it or hold a grudge. I would tell them that so they are not on tenterhooks around you and ahead of the wedding. I wouldn't miss my brother's wedding and I wouldn't want to put a damper on or spoil the wedding for him or anyone else by not going. I would go to support him and to enjoy it with my family. Especially having lost all my grandparents, both my parents, all my aunties and uncles, some cousins and friends and about to lose my BIL, (and they are lost to my DC too), that would be the fork in the road I would choose.

And how about the brides family being there? And the OPs mum and step-dad? All of whom are also going to the "other" wedding.

I wouldn't be be waiting for a message. I think he hopes you will have " forgotten" . You say he's direct and you normally have a good relationship with him ,so you be direct. Tell him you were very hurt and ask for an explanation. Try and get it sorted otherwise you face an ongoing family rift.

The photo sharing is about needing to emphasise how NORMAL and FINE it is that OP isn't there. It can't be mean or hurtful as they wouldn't be sending photos then, would they? Shame it gave things away that they all started sending them together, out of nowhere. That wouldn't happen naturally.

I really feel for you. I wouldn't pay thousands of pounds to go to the other wedding, tbh. They've shown you no consideration and haven't treated you as part of the family. It's very very hurtful. I'm shocked at your mum and brother and wonder what kind of relationship your sister thinks you have that she couldn't tell you. And what about the sister in law - why wouldn't she say, "Oh we can't leave her out!"