Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

This is very hurtful.
Has it got anything to do with his partner/wife is she jealous that your close ?

My ex's sister did something similar. We were invited to her wedding abroad (a country she chose as she wanted to show off to everyone that she got "married in the sun" but knew it wouldn't be legally recognised so they'd have to do a registry office type of thing to make it legal where they actually live. Ex and I were really short of money at the time and I have an autoimmune condition that makes me allergic to the sun/UV. I was having a lot of flare-ups at that time and didnt feel well enough to travel. We also didn't want to take a full week of annual leave to travel to this wedding holiday (in a place that I actually cannot stand as a holiday destination anyway). We said we couldn't afford it but would come to where they lived for when they did the registry office/official/legal wedding. Ex's sister made such an enormous fuss that her mum offered to pay for our accommodation for the week. Ex's sister, mother and other family members spent a good deal of time and effort guilting us into going to the wedding. The main argument was that they wouldn't be having to do a formal/legal wedding in their home country and they were only having this 1 wedding as it would be legally recognised. So, we went. We might as well not have bothered because we hardly saw his family at all and it was an utterly shite and stressful week. A couple of months later my ex's sister's new husband's sister put up a post on Facebook that gave the game away. They had a whole wedding back home, complete with white dress, reception, meal etc etc. Not only had we not been invited, ex's sister had managed to persuade EVERYONE there not to let on to us about it and banned everyone from posting photos on social media etc. There were dozens of friends and family at it! We'd even spoken to my ex's father on the phone on the morning of the wedding and he said, when asked what he was up to that day, "oh nothing much, probably just potter about in the garden" ...whilst wearing his full suit and waiting for the taxi to the wedding venue.

When we eventually found out and my ex confronted his father, his father said "well, we agreed not to tell you as we didn't want you to feel obligated to come" 😂😂😂 After guilt tripping us into going to the other wedding and saying there wouldn't be one at home, I hardly think that excuse holds up.

It’s mean of him and your family, you are justified in feeling hurt x

Im generally a bit of a hard cow (life has made me like this) but honestly this would have broken me and I think your whole family are not very nice.

you have 2 choices, ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen (which would eat away at me for the rest of my life) or go and speak to your brother and potentially lose your ‘best friend’ (although I’d never speak to a friend again who did this).

im very much the ignored one in the family and I’d sit and cry when I saw photos of the parties etc that I hadn’t been invited to and then in 2020 I had a life changing experience and I decided to stop caring for people who don’t care about me.
I literally cut my brother off dead in 2023 and if I happen to be in the same room he literally doesn’t exist. I look through him.

I can honestly say that my MH is much better and I’m finally off of MH meds for the first time in 20+ years.

by stopping caring I freed myself.

That's horrendous, it should've been all siblings on both sides or no siblings. Can't believe the bride's siblings from abroad were invited. I'd be apoplectic if my siblings did this to me. Deffo don't go to the wedding abroad, selfish bastards.

@SweetBabyCheesus the way you have been treated is awful, and it’s all so unnecessary.

Your situation resonates, I haven’t spoken to my younger sister for over five years. She lied to me about her 40th, but in the months (and years!) leading up to that fateful weekend, she had put me at the bottom of the pile repeatedly and I have so many examples of this. When I woke up to the post about her birthday on social media, celebrated ‘with all the best people’, I knew I had to walk away - it was the final straw. I wanted to go quietly, but my BIL wouldn’t allow that and I saw his true colours that day. I still know it was the right thing to do, but it’s affected my parents, fractured the family and things will never return to the way they once were (not least because I can’t go back to a place where she made me feel the way she did!). It’s hard to believe we are related, our values and behaviours are so different.

However, I firmly believe in self preservation and peace and I hope you can find peace in this chaotic web of exclusion, lies and deceit that you find yourself in.

2q2

Yeah these were my thoughts too. I usually don’t care about not being invited stuff, but I’d be heartbroken over this.

FWIW... I had an "admin wedding". parents and PIL were honestly invited as witnesses as an afterthought because we realised (after we booked the registry office for ourselves) it would probably be important to them. No siblings were invited but one of my brothers came with my mum. Other siblings knew about it but we emphasised not really a "wedding", just a formality we were not making a big deal about. We went for a nice lunch after and took some phone pics. Some family members and close friends could have felt left out I guess. But because nothing about this event was particularly important to us we figured it shouldn't be to anyone else. Maybe your DB didn't see this as an important event worthy of an "invitation" but just ended up with various family members coming along for the ride?

Their behaviour is inexplicable.
They must have all agreed to keep it a secret from you in the run up, but then sent you pictures on the day.
They said it was 'just a formality' but it was clearly their legal wedding and meant something to them. If it was truly a formality all you need is a quick trip to the registry office with 2 people and 2 witnesses then crack on with your day.
Even if they wanted it small and then it spiralled, at the point where it was clear you were the only one not invited, would it have killed them to book one more place at dinner?
You told them how hurt you were but not one of them has been a grownup and just said 'we got it wrong and we're sorry we hurt you'.
I don't think I could come back from this if I were you. At least not without a sincere apology from your mum and brother. But are you prepared to step away from them for a bit? If not and you just carry on as you were they'll assume they're all forgiven.

Many of us don't believe in admin weddings. If I'm not invited to the actual legal wedding, don't bother me with an invitation to the reenactment pageant.

Rubbish. They had a wedding that everyone knew about other than the OP. She was DELIBERATELY not invited. The rest of the immediate family was there. People flew into the country to attend. But the OP was not even told about it. If they did not intend to upset her, then they should not have sent photos of the wedding. They should have told her it was happening. You are so far off the mark I cannot begin to comprehend the angle you are taking.

And again - it was HIDDEN from the OP. That is the issue.

Your right - your message was in no way clipped and it does stink of a guilty conscience.

I also completely understand why you are hurt. It was a horrible thing to do and he knows it.

Time for gloves off. First ask Mum directly why she did not mention this to you and that you don't accept it was because she thought it would not matter. Second, contact the brother and his wife together and ask directly what the reason for the non invite was and make it clear if the answer does not sound honest your attendance at the fake wedding will not happen. Then ask his wife if she were in your shoes how would she feel? They are in the wrong here and as not one has reached out to apologize I would make it clear that is as bad as not being told about it or invited.

Agree with everyone who’s saying that your feelings are totally valid. What happened was not a ´formality’. A formality is going to your solicitor or round to your neighbours’ to get your signature witnessed. If you all put on fancy outfits and go out for a meal after then it is a celebration.

No you are definitely not being unreasonable! This is so cruel and hurtful. If I were you, I just wouldn’t get in touch with any of them. Don’t go to his ‘real’ wedding, and afterwards say ‘Oh I forgot… was it last weekend?! ..’. See how they feel then. Sadly I think you are right about this being the stuff that fueds to the death are made of. I couldn’t forgive this. Don’t worry about upsetting your Mum, she wasn’t thinking about your feelings. This is a tough one. It’s made you feel unloved and taking a stand will probably alienate you from family, which will be a lonely road for you, but do you really want people in your life that treat you this way? You deserve so much better. Your brother will know how you feel and that it’s ultimately his fault even if he doesn’t admit to it. I speak from experience, I have been estranged from my family for the last eight years. My parents have passed and it has been very lonely and after eight years we are beginning to mend bridges very slowly, but I still can’t forgive my family (my situation is quite different to yours) and don’t think I ever will. At least on the surface we can be cordial with each other, but I won’t let them treat me badly.

There’s definitely a reason this has happened and it isn’t the bs one given that it didn’t mean anything. It’s up to you how you want to play it but the bragging afterwards of an event that no one had the curtesy to tell you was happening would make me reconsider if I wanted to continue to toe the party line in a family dynamic where I am seen as less than.

You know how your family operates, your Mum will assume the responsibility of getting you onside to protect your brother from having to explain himself. Your brother will probably only contact you when he wants something even if it’s only to confirm if you are going to the fake wedding.

The balls in your court but if you choose not to go to his wedding then that will be the stick that they will all beat you with. Personally, I would take a step back and not put as much effort into the relationships as they do. This is the reason why you moved all those years ago,

I feel so sorry for you Op. What a wretched way to be treated by loved ones. It’s thorough undermining. How hurtful. I think he must feel very guilty now and is trying to avoid talking to you about it and explaining. I’d probably blame the new wife’s influence. It was more likely her decision. Could she have some issue with you?

Having read this far 2 things are clear to me : 1) your text message on the day was ill judged. (Note on this thread you have 2 version but I think the one you wrote is the ill judged one) you made it clear you were pissed and did spoil the day. You could have expressed that later)
2) the fact you cannot pick up the phone makes you childish. You have allowed this to stew because you are by your own admission pig headed as is your brother. Someone has to be the grown up. Even if it ends badly, the amount of time you have spent on MN explaining your side could have resolved this one way or another a hundred times.
Your family does sounds difficult and as eldest myself I have frequently been peacemaker when I didn’t want to necessarily but I’m also the straight forward one.
a lot of supportive posts on this thread are also cheering you on to make what could be a catastrophic decision which you will regret. Do yourself a favour. Pick up the phone because looking at how you wrote texts, your letter will not help. If you are the calm grown up you suggest you are, then you are perfectly able to have a calm chat to express yourself without crying or screaming at eachother to get your point across. If no one is able to apologise after that then you know everything you need to.

@BeOpalShaker Your text message was restrained in fact. And you’re not ‘childish’ as a PP is suggesting for waiting for him to contact you.

you made it clear you were pissed and did spoil the day

But who text photos of a wedding you have been invited too, did not know about, and knew everyone else is there?

Then has the cheek to expect everyone to spend ££££ on a wedding reception abroad?

He spoilt his own day by being incredibly mean. He can’t be that thick to understand how hurtful he’s been?

OP was blindsided.

I

TBH I can't believe that you are blaming OP! Her text message on the day was prompted by her brother's goady response to her actually lovely congratulations message:

'I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"'

Why would he respond in any other way than 'thank you' to OP's message? I think that the sending of all the photos of the event was actually damage limitation after OP's step-dad mistakenly sent the first photo of the wedding. OP's brother then went into 'attack is the best form of defence' mode as he was on the back foot. In response to her brother's 'have I done something', she said that he had. He had deliberately excluded her from his wedding when all other members of her close family had been invited and the whole family had colluded to keep it a secret from her.

OP is fed up of being the 'capable' one, the peacemaker and her mum's sole emotional support (her other two kids aren't capable of that role so she relies solely on OP). Everyone now knows how upset she is but not one of them has reached out to say sorry, not even her own mum.

Your feelings are completely valid OP and I echo all the supportive posts. My thoughts are that you are now left with processing the fact that your feelings about, and relationships with, the rest of your family are irrevocably changed and there is nothing that can be done about that. What you do next depends on whether you want to salvage a grey-rock type situation from the wreckage or go NC (from what you have said I would guess the former would be in your long-term best interests). But either way there is a grieving process to go through for the loss of the relationships you thought you had. It is very painful and I am sorry for you.

The reply the OP said she wrote later in thread was different. Hence why I said 2 messages in thread. The bit about spoiling the day was ill-judged imo. I’m clearly not blaming OP. Both sides have issues to apologise for.
the truth is likely to be the more innocent explanation that this is something that got totally out of hand and her brother has been a dick but notwithstanding that, I stand by my opinion that her message saying she was upset and did not want to spoil day was ill- judged. If she had just said congrats as you think she said then that would have sufficed and then the next day a call to ask why she was not included would save a lot of heartache.
The OP sounds sensible and grown up but the responses goading her to ditch her family are massively over the top until she actually speaks to her brother in a calm, moderated and adult way.