Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

@Ireallywantadoughnut36 So just one sibling wasn't left out then?

I guess not, 3 were, but I more meant that some people (my parents for example) just really viewed that part of the wedding as silly. My mum didn't invite her mum (her dad was dead and she had no siblings), so she was "left out" but also, really didn't see it that way as it really was just standing in a suit, in a registry office and signing a few papers

YANBU, your brother sounds like an arsehole to be honest and I would not be going to his wedding party abroad. He’s giving you the silent treatment after treating you like crap? He can jog on. Don’t give a shit if it upsets your mum, maybe she should have thought of that when she was part of this exclusion too.

Maybe if your dad had invited three of the four siblings, the one that wasn't invited would have been upset.

OP's family colluded to keep the wedding secret from her, including her own mum. It obviously wasn't just a formality as the bride's family, her parents and sibling, flew in from overseas and people were dressed up for the occasion, particularly OP's mum and the bride's mum in fancy dresses and hats.

OP knows her own family and that this wasn't just an oversight, hence she is really upset, but even knowing this, no-one has reached out to her to apologise or comfort her, not even her mum.

As I said, my mums mum didn't get an invite and she was her only living relative - some people really just see it as a silly piece of paper, it's obviously unkind not to think it through but I suspect brother tentatively invited sister because she wasn't coming to the "actual" wedding as they saw it, and then the in laws all decided to fly over and before you know it everyone is there, to itness something the actual bride and groom were ticking off their list as a boring office job (like my mum and dad). It's definitely fair to be hurt by I suspect it's not the deliberate slap in the face it's being described as, it probably just ran away from them and they personally viewed it as a daft paper activity. My mum would've been devastated if her mother had felt left out, but she got an invite to the "actual" wedding and some photos of the ceremony where they signed the paper and was very happy not to have been dragged 2 hrs away for a 20 minute council office job - it's just a different perspective, as our fanily are just not big into the concept of marriage and see it as a chance to have a lovely party

Was the wedding kept secret from people who weren't invited like your mum's mum and your dad's four siblings?

If not, it isn't really the same. As the saying goes, it's not the crime, it's the cover up. If they had nothing to hide and they weren't doing anything wrong, why did they keep it from OP?

OP, I don’t know why your brother was so rude and aggressive to you, when you sent him friendly congratulations. Possibly on edge because he knows he’s behaved badly.

But all the others, sounds as if they’re too used to good old Chees who’s always the reliable and co-operative one, no need to consider her feelings, she never makes a fuss etc.

I would send your brother a card saying something like Best wishes for a long and happy marriage, and you won’t be coming to the autumn event as it’s too far to travel for just a party — you’d accepted the invitation thinking it was to their wedding.

Then I’d leave it. You’ve done more for them than they’ve done for you. So it’s their loss.

Chees, you will tell us what happens, won't you?

I have every sympathy with you op and posted a long post way back up thread. I've been thinking about the radio silence from your brother, sister and mother. I'm wondering if your brother might use the excuse that you said you would talk about it at a later date for not contacting you. I'm wondering if he'll say he thought you meant you would get back in touch with him at a later date. I know you've said you will have to have this out openly with them and I would definitely feel the same. I know you've considered yourself close before this happened. I hope it doesn't became a long term rift with him (and the others) implying he was waiting for you to get back in touch
. You shouldn't have to but wondered if this thought had crossed your mind as well. 💐

Perhaps a bit extreme to some, but I'd have absolutely no hesitation about cutting all ties with everyone involved who deliberately ghosted you about this.....

That's so hard :( I'd have also been gutted. My family sometimes share photos of a get together that I've not been invited to..I find that hard..but a wedding..I can imagine how sad you were.
And the fact they never mentioned it in conversation leading up to the event:(

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. How hurtful to feel left out. You need to tell him how you feel.

Your brothers a dick and I’d be pissed at my bro if he invited everyone else but me aswell

im also posting because I want to find out what happens, stay strong @SweetBabyCheesus we have got your back on this one, your definitely not wrong for how you are feeling x

Shame on them,obviously everything had been discussed,organised without wanting you being included.Its spiteful and doesn't give any thought into how you would feel.You really need to have a long think about how you move forward from this as I can't see you being able to forgive any one of them for putting you in this position.I hope you can find peace in yourself whatever decision you come to.Take care.❤️

I really feel for you - this is a horrid thing and YA definitely NBU to feel hurt and angry! I Re communication, though - your message left things open as to when and how the next conversation would happen. I wonder if your brother is carefully (anxiously?) waiting for YOU to contact him when you feel ready to talk, rather than daring to contact you first?

Me either. I’ve got a really low tolerance for this kind of shit, family or not.

If it is legal in the country they are marrying in it is legally recognised in the UK

You are definitely not being unreasonable, and I wouldn't waste a penny on going abroad use that money on yourself instead. I have cut everyone out and feel so much better in myself rather than catering to people who only every want to get in touch when they need something, those days are we and truly over and I feel great.

Thats absolutely appalling! And beyond belief that he could send you a picture afterwards as well. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

The fact that he hasn’t replied to you in 3 weeks shows (to me at least) that this was a deliberate ploy, he intended to hurt you and he got what he wanted. Hence there is nothing more to say from him.

You say “We are really close”, “would consider him one of my best friends”, “We all get on great”, yet they all completely left you out. Op you need to distance yourself from them because they have shown you their true colours and what they think of you, as hurtful as it maybe, don’t be blindsided by them again.

If I was you, I’d make it very clear that THEIR actions have hurt you, and if you ask again, then ask in the context of why THEY did that. As in:-

Why did YOU not tell me about this event?
Why did YOU not invite me?
Did YOU not wonder why I wasn’t there?

Keep the questions short and to the point. Don’t go into how it’s made you feel and how would they feel if shoe was on the other foot because it gives them wiggle room to not take ownership for their actions. Just repeat I am very hurt by YOUR actions and the above questions.

Otherwise, you will be made out as the unreasonable one. Then I would just keep every day conversation light and distance myself from them.

Also, I would have other plans already arranged for whenever their wedding abroad is, should they even tell you about it!

I can’t see how this would be ok. If it were me I’d not waste my money and emotional expenditure on going to the other wedding. I didn’t go to my sisters wedding due to ongoing bad feeling and conflict (I was invited). So sorry this has happened to you. I’d just not go, make them consider how they’ve all treated you.

That's awful, I genuinely feel hurt for you. Definitely let him know how you feel, don't stew on it.

You ate right, it's horrible, hurtful, and deliberate.
No one mentioned it, but then they send the pics of having a lovely event. How mean.

Hrft but I would be thinking of messaging Bro with.

Hi brother, not sure what I did to deserve being excluded from your wedding but I was very hurt and confused.
It's difficult to move forward from this but I don't want to break up the family vibes so i won't say anything against you to the others, but bro, I wish I knes what I'd done to cause this.

Your loving sister,

I am so sorry to hear this. I feel for you. Your reaction is completely understandable. It's an awful situation and a very odd and insensitive thing to do. Even weirder if you are in regular contact with him and your mum. I don't think you should decide about the 'real' wedding until you've had some time to process it a bit more and/or communicate with him. If you don't go to his wedding this may become a lifelong wedge in your relationship. I'd try to find a way to resolve this. Could you get back in touch with him and ask to meet him so you can talk it over? Or if that is too overwhelming, could you spend a bit of time writing out how you feel - maybe over a couple of days and send him a card communicating your feelings (very old school I know). Or an email. I think you're going to have to move past this if you want to have a good relationship with your brother over the coming years. Your relationship with him sounds very important to you so I'd take steps to try and salvage the situation. Your brother needs to understand and acknowledge that he's really hurt you. Is there anyone else who could intervene on your behalf and explain how you feel and that you'd like to talk to him and move past this? A friend of his? His best man?

I am so sorry for your distress, op and of course your upset is justified. That was AWFUL of them!
My advice would be: do nothing. Wait until the immediate hurt has subsided.
Then, unless your brother has fulsomely explained and apologised to your satisfaction, work out if you will go to their other wedding. I'm afraid that you may cut off your nose to spite your face and end up without the relationship with your brother that you have valued greatly and maybe other members of your family too.
Wait. Give it time. But you are not wrong feeling so hurt now.

You do not have to forgive their selfish, hurtful behaviour. Do whatever you feel is right. If it meant nothing, why so many guests and the meal afterwards?
I would be very upset too.
I hope it works out in the best way for you.