Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

The fact that it was all very deliberately planned out and quite elaborate enough for people to fly in, including the 'don't tell Cheesus' memo that had to go out, would have me backing very much away from the lot of them. They still haven't apologised or explained, not there's a reasonable explanation frankly.

I wouldn't be flying to his fake wedding either.

Nothing I can think of! I got promoted in August last year, but none of them are interested in my work so I don't think it registered really.

What a bloody awful memory to have @OhBow x

I'm not quite sure why the mum seems to be coming in for more flack than the brother. It was his wedding and his decision who to invite. Yes if the mum was conspiring to keep it quiet that's hurtful, but she would have been in an awkward situation. It's on the brother to tell OP what's happening, not the mum surely. And also the more I think about the step father sending the photo of them all dressed up without any explanation until OP asked, the more I wonder if they did know that OP didn't know, if that makes sense? It sounds like something you send to someone who does know what you are doing that day.

It sounds like OP has had it out with her mum but not her brother,which is strange to me. It wasn't the mother's wedding. Yes ideally he'd pick up the phone when he knew she was upset, but her message could also be interpreted as she would contact him when she's ready. Or he may not have got from a text quite how upset she is and thinks it's blown over now. Or he does know and he's playing games or avoiding confrontation by not contacting OP. Either way, OP at this point you have nothing to lose by contacting him to see what he has to say, and that's the only way you're going to be able to start to move on or decide what to do. You are in limbo now waiting for him to contact you.

But according to the brother this ISNT his wedding. Just any other day, nothing special at all. So if it’s so Un-special and “doesn’t count” that OP shouldn’t be upset, rightly the brother cannot be in any way upset at having this regular Tuesday “ruined” by her feelings.

The mother is getting the flack because she sat by and actively allowed and contributed in the abuse of her daughter.

I was really addressing your comment about it being the day you really get married. For people who believe that they are married by God, the civil bit is truly meaningless but necessary for legal purposes.

I agree that this has, at best, gone awry in this case. It may be that this is how the couple feel but events have made a difference and led to this really sad situation.

If it was my son not inviting my daughter.
I would simply tell her……
Not hide it for months

In life you have people who chase those that repeatedly treat them poorly and you have those that decide enough is enough.

Your family for their own ugly reasons, thought they could get away with humiliating you and you would accept it if they gaslit you.

They have treated you poorly for a long long time.

They expect to behave as they wish and you to suck it up.

That is how its always been.

Their go to if you push back is to dismiss you further, as your mother has.

Your brother just ignores you.

The truth as I read it is, that you have always been treated less than and have sucked it up.

Therefore, there is no real surprise in the awfulness of this.

At risk now is your mental health, and your self worth, finally.

Your mother's non apology is paticularly nasty.
In your shoes many would simply step so far back that she wouldn't know what hit her.

The only play here is completely silence in my view.
They know EXACTLY what they have done but fully expect playing chicken here will work.
They fully expect you to cave and accept this treatment.

Hi OP

This thread has actually been really helpful for me! I have recently gone through something similar, a few months back. My folks went on holiday with my sibling, I found out when they sent photos to the family group chat.

They maintain they just forgot to mention it to me. Like your mum, my mum tells me minute details about everything all the time. The idea that she just forgot to mention it is laughable. That was the part that hurt. I just look at all of them differently now. Can’t help it. I think less of them 😞 I got told I’d ruined the holiday, after I asked why they’d not said anything. I wasn’t even angry, just confused.

I got told I’m just holding grudges for still being sad about it. But it’s not that. Anyway. It really helps reading the replies here. And your message to your brother was nice! Not at all pointed, very dignified. He has a (well deserved) guilty conscience.

I don’t know if I’d go to the autumn wedding if I were you. But I’m a total chicken. Maybe find out about cancelling, just to be informed. Sending hugs x

@Quittingforlosers @SweetBabyCheesus
and all others who have been hurt in similar ways.
People are shit, family or not. And they refuse to see their own mistakes and the hurt they cause.

So it’s up to us….. to decide what to do….. which in their eyes will always be unreasonable

I’m sorry this happened. Sounds like it isn’t as uncommon as I thought. Them telling you you ruined the holiday was a ridiculous way of pretending they’d been ‘punished’ so you need to be over it bc you were the cause of this punishment and they’ll focus on that. Being told not to bear grudges as a way of silencing you is something I too am familiar with, and when it come from someone who is still holding a grudge 70 years and counting you can’t even laugh at the ridiculousness of it all 🙄🤦‍♀️

It's DARVO isn't it? Deny they did anything wrong, Accuse by Reversing Victim and Offender.

Closely related to projection, accusing someone of the very things they're doing, to deflect blams. Bonus points if the victim can be gaslighted into believing they're a bad person.

I find these labels relly useful. Also 'golden child', 'scapegoat', and 'parentification/spousification'. And in extreme cases of nastiness causing confusion, I recommend reading up about personality disorders. Not suggesting that's necessarily relevant to OP's family.

Narcissism gets thrown around a lot on here, but it is classic narcissism to be angry at the person your actions have hurt. It's because hurting someone contradicts the perfect nice-guy image narcs have of themselves. Narcissistic people really can't handle other people's negative emotions about them and disappointment in them.

Your feelings are absolutely valid and tbh he didn’t care one bit if he caused a feud with you or upset you by not inviting you. Neither did your mother. You are allowed (and very justified) about being upset. Sending you a hug, that’s very hard ❤️

I think that’s the problem with being the sensible, dependable, well-balanced member of the family. Everyone else and their wishes are pandered to and they get prioritised because everyone knows if they don’t get their wishes and special treatment, it all goes tits up. Meanwhile, you are not expected or known to cause a fuss. Hope you’re ok x

I think what is more hurtful is that it doesn’t appear to have been “thoughtless” but that OP was deliberately left out of a family celebration. Incredibly hurtful and damaging.

💯

She was deliberately excluded.

I really really feel for you @SweetBabyCheesus Welcome to the Eldest Daughter Club and being the competent balanced one who never makes a fuss in the family.

And when you do DARE to mention that your family has done something to upset you, they turn on you and tell you not to be so demanding and unreasonable.

Because what you’re doing is stepping outside your designated role. It forces every other family member to have to consider your feelings rather than their own.

In your position I’d be very seriously thinking about not attending your brother’s party to celebrate the marriage ceremony he’s already had.

I can understand why this feels the nuclear option and it’s not something you can do easily. I’d be trying to tell myself to go to the party (it’s not actually the wedding) and be serene and graceful and rise above it, but reading your first post I was raging on your behalf and also very very sad.

And it’s a very hard thing to get over.

Welcome to the Eldest Daughter Club. I think many eldest daughters have experienced something like it. I recognise your situation, although I’ve not experienced something quite so bad.

You sound so level-headed and reasonable.

A big hug to you - do you have good friends you can talk to about this? I hope so.

I would take the money you’ve put aside to go to his wedding and have a lovely holiday with it. Or maybe a honeymoon. Whatever you fancy. Your family are unreal and I’m so sorry for you.

If they genuinely believed it wouldn't bother you why the secrecy? It takes deliberate effort to not ever mention this once around you. None of them, brother, sister, mum, step dad, none of them mentioned this at all. You don't deliberately keep from someone news about something that wouldn't involve or bother them. Their actions point to them knowing this would hurt you and deliberately excluding you from it.

I could have written this, being the eldest, moving away etc. My family “forgot” to tell me the date of my Nanna’s funeral, despite me asking 2 of them separately to let me know once they had confirmed the date, so I missed it. Didn’t know about it till the day after it happened.

Still stings but I’ve moved on now (this was over 15 years ago now).

You failed to notice that the bride's brother was also invited to the registry office, and he's going to the "wedding" abroad.

OP I really feel for you. Events such as this bring about a complete reevaluation of relationships. I have a tricky family but mostly we rub along. I'm the stable, rational, organised one. I've hosted Christmas for 25+ years because nobody else can/will. I've hosted mother's day get togethers. I've been the taxi service, the form filler, the mediator. Then a few years ago my brother phoned to ask if he could get a lift to our mother's birthday meal. I knew nothing about this birthday meal, apparently my eldest sister had organised it. Awkward. I texted my sister, asked if there was a reason we weren't included. She came out with similar bollocks that it wasn't a big deal, didn't think we'd want to go blah blah (surely that would be our decision to make). She didn't want us there - the adult nephews and neice would be there and she likes to big herself up with lies about her qualifications and her travels as a young woman. It's all bullshit and she knows I know. I Rang my mother, she minimised like she always does - she just chortles and makes you feel unreasonable. She's a classic 'anything for a quiet life' person.

Anyway, since then I've taken a massive step back. I haven't hosted them for Christmas, which is a blessed relief (I did it as I felt sorry they wouldn't have a nice Christmas otherwise) and I rarely have them over at all. I don't offer to help out either. I'm polite, like I'd be with a neighbour, but I'm not invested anymore. My sister has massively shot herself in the foot, as I always intended to give her my share of our mother's estate as she has no money or security/pension for her old age. That's not happening now, I'd rather my DC have it.

I can tell it winds them up that I'm so distant now (mother often tries a bit of emotional blackmail), but I'm impervious. Something snapped in me that day and I'm sure you'll feel the same kind of epiphany too OP. It does hurt though. There really is no valid reason in the world why they didn't tell you about the wedding. They've realised they've acted terribly but have to dig their heels in (minimise, go silent) to save face. Classic cognitive dissonance.

Sorry for your experience @VintageFollie you sound like the kind of sister I wish I had. That anyone would be lucky to have.

I got this sort of thing but I'm in the youngest daughter's club!

My elder sis was always my mum's favourite. She liked to be a matriarch in waiting. Say for instance a cousin was poorly and I wanted to send a message to him or her. My sis had the numbers and contact details and I would ask and ask, I would ring and say please let me have his phone number or email, I would ask till I was blue in the face until I gave up. She would always say oh yes I forgot I will let you have that or I'm sending it now. It would never arrive then I would look like the bad one for not contacting him when he was ill.
That sort of thing would happen time and time again. Or she and my siblings would conveniently forget to tell me something quite important about the wider family.
I was always kept out of the loop with what was going on and I would have to fight to be in the inner circle. And I never was

This was only solved when parents died and all my siblings and me were on more of an equal footing because my mother enabled this as sister was her favourite

Well done for standing up for yourself and taking a massive step back. Your mum and siblings have taken you for granted and have taken advantage of your good nature for years. They have been hoist by their own petard, which is always gratifying to see.

Honestly, it depends how you see weddings, my parents did the formal bit when they were older (I was 18) so my brother and I went, and my dad's parents went and one uncle because he drove my granny and grandad. My dad has 4 siblings locally and none were invited, they all came to the "party" a few months later and not one of them minded. It didn't cross anyone's mind on the day to invite them, (even though they're close and I was bridesmaid for my cousin), they all happily came to the wedding party which was the proper do inthe summer because my parents thought the formal bit was really boring and pointless and it didnt matter to them. Nobody was hurt or batted an eyelid. The fact they all sent pictures makes me think they really didn't think you'd mind. You obviously do, so I'd just sit and chat to them about why you felt left out, but I honestly suspect they saw it as a random thing they had to do, a formality and were excited you were coming to their "proper wedding" instead....