Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Yes that whole precious “it’s my wedding/ birthday/party “ thing. It’s as though they think they have carte blanche to trample over everyone else’s feelings.

You keep calling it a formality, but it was the day you got married. If the wedding hadn't gone ahead for any reason, you would still have been married. Do you not feel bad about misleading people just so you could have bodies at the afterparty??

I don't think the OP's brother was happy to tell her after the fact. I think other people took it out of his hands and he desperately tried to play it down to the OP. If he wanted people to believe that day wasn't important, he shouldn't have invited all but one of his most important people to it. There was no reason why the OP couldn't have been told it was happening but due to numbers she wouldn't be able to be in the room for it but she was very welcome to celebrate the day with them. Heck, if it was me I would have invited my sister over my second stepfather. It's wild that his mum's third husband got to be there but not his actual sister.

No i don’t feel bad at all. Just because your opinion is that the ceremony I had was just the after party, it’s my opinion that I signed some legal documents prior to the wedding and my actual wedding was what I planned. My actual wedding was very small as we were clear with everyone that there was no expectations that they come, the people who did come were close family and a few friends who all made it in to a two week holiday. But there’s was every chance we wouldn’t have had anyone there and we were ok with that, I still don’t want people to view us signing the registry as my actual wedding day because then that would have turned in to a much bigger day and that’s not what I wanted

In his defence, my mum and her third husband have been together for about 35 years 🤣

If he wanted people to believe that day wasn't important, he shouldn't have invited all but one of his most important people to it.
But this sentence of yours really nails it.

@SweetBabyCheesus Are you in fairly regular contact with your Mum, and if so, how often has she mentioned it?
From one of your earlier posts she did, then berated you for still being upset?
If she keeps mentioning it, it is because she knows the whole situation was wrong, that asking you to STFU is also out of order and she can't now sort it out because she'd have to admit it was wrong.

If she does mention it just say "If you don't want to get involved please don't speak to me about it". Rinse, repeat.

This whole sorry situation is of their doing and my heart breaks for you

Had only two official witnesses been there they could have made the argument that it wasn't an important day, but that's clearly not the case. Parents and siblings flew, got dressed up to watch their children get married, and then had a celebratory dinner afterwards. That is not just a formality.

I have spoken once to her to give her an almighty bollocking a few days after it happened, and on Sunday - when she asked if I'd spoken to my brother and then dismissed me quickly with that so I didn't start going on about it again.

@SweetBabyCheesus you want to know WHY.

Why don't you ask him? Going around and around in circles in your head won't help. Breaking the relationship between you and your brother won't bring you any closure or relief.

Your brother will see this differently and may have a version of events that actually gives you some answers. If you love him, as you have repeatedly said, and he loves you, it doesn't make sense that his reasons to act that way were just to exclude you.

Just break this vicious circle, take charge of the situation, stop waiting for someone else to fix this. You're the one suffering. You're the one confused and requiring answers. Talk to him, for God's sake! Even if the talk ends up badly, or with answers you don't like, then at least you'll know what to do. You're keeping yourself in limbo just out of stubbornness.

Call him!

@aurynne, The problem with calling him is that he can just put the phone down on her, leaving her angrier and more upset than ever.

Because he will minimise and still insist OP is wrong, he's done nothing wrong and probably double down on his "only a formality and not important wedding" has been spoilt, except he can't have it both ways can he.

This resonated with me.

The first time I said no to my husband and that I needed time to think, he left and I ended up divorcing him.

Why are you continuing to engage with your mother if you're upset with her about her behavior on this? If you're shoving it under the rug with her, why wouldn't the rest of the family expect you to do the same with them?

You don't have to justify it but there is an imbalance there in your reaction to the family members involved.

He could. He also could have a conversation. He could give his reasons and they could heal this rift.
If he puts the phone down, then she knows her anger is justified, and can move on and make decisions with more information.

... But this is all speculation. None of us knows what he'll say or do. If he indeed behaves like a dickhead on the phone then at least the OP will know where she stands. At the moment she's just suffering and seething with frustration at not knowing why they've done this to her. How much longer do you want her to go on like this when a call has the potential to put an end to it?

In this thread she's getting validation and support. That's great for her ego. But we're all strangers who don't know her or really care about her life. Her brother is her family. Prolonging this drama is really not worth it.

You were the only immediate family member not invited I would be gutted and refuse to go to the "for show" wedding when I wasn't important enough to be invited to the legal ceremony , this is a hill I'd die on but cutting people off doesn't bother me one little bit no matter who they are

But the reality is even if OP did call, and DB apologises, concedes he was wrong and wants to make good, the damage has been done, and his silence, not calling is very telling.

For what it's worth I think the thing OP is struggling with most is the realisation that the DB really doesn't love her in the way she loves him and that is a hard one to reconcile. She already has a distant relationship with her DS, the thought of losing her other sibling is hurting, and the potential for wider fallout.

Unless you have had to reconcile yourself to this sort of sibling situation you can't understand, and if you have, how it did work out for you?

OP hasn't created this situation, why should she try and clean it up?

You are really missing the point here. I'm not here for an ego stroke, I've had loads of amazing advice that I've taken on board.
I do not want drama, I have been quite clear about that.
I will make a decision, but I didn't come here to be "right".

Thank you all so much for all this. It's truly appreciated, and you're all fabulous

I will let you know when/if I speak to him and what the outcome is.

But the reality is even if OP did call, and DB apologises, concedes he was wrong and wants to make good, the damage has been done, and his silence, not calling is very telling.
Yes. This is it exactly.

I think you DM is stirring the pot here by repeatedly asking for updates, without apologising.. because "I'm sorry you feel that way" we all know is not an apology. She will undoubtedly be reporting back to the brother and who knows what kind of second hand account she's giving him. I wouldn't give her further opportunities to do that. And I would stop being what pp called her "emotional support"... She is old enough to know better!

It's so difficult. A phone call risks the other person hanging up or not listening. A written response risks being read out in a different tone to the one in which it was written.
You haven't taken offence at reasonable behaviour as they are all implying. You've been hurt by being excluded, kept in the dark and effectively lied to. You still haven't received an explanation or apology as to why.

You’ve been his big sister for 54 🙁

If it had been between you and his stepfather they should have all opted for you - stepdad should have been big enough to have been ok with that, and your mum able to cope without him by her side at this ‘non-event’.

Not sure why the word 'thoughtless' keeps being used.

A lot of thought was put into keeping OP in the dark. A fair few arrangements were made that they all kept secret.....people flying in for goodness sake.

Excluding one person is what school bullies do.

If brother didn't mean to upset you or make you feel excluded then good. The problem is now he knows you do feel that way he's not bothered.

I agree. Leaving OP out was a calculated snub, not an absent minded omission.

I'm also wondering why. This sort of thing happens much more often in the context of regular snubs/criticisms/superior behaviour from family members.

OP have you had any success or good luck recently? Could this be a dominance/power move to put you back in your place.

God just had an awful memory of my dm often saying "you need knocking down a peg or two". Grim.