Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

If they didn’t care much about it, why all the gushing photos and wanting to share how great it was to the OP?

The one photo from the brother I get. The others? No so much if you really don’t care about it
And, just like you did, you dint invite the whole of the close family bar ONE person.

@Namechangean im starting to think some of your family members didn’t take too well the fa t they were not invited either…..

Dear family,
Three weeks on, I am still incandescent with anger and hurt at your shabby sidelining of me at X's wedding. Your collective thoughtlessness is appalling. I will not be contacting any of you again until I have received a proper explanation and apology.
Yours,
Cheesus

Also, things evolve, like you say. They chose to invite OP’s sister bc she can’t make other wedding. The brides brother may have decided to join his parents to either support them if they are getting on, or bc he fancies seeing his sister and making a holiday of it. But as things evolved they should have taken the extra step of opening up an opportunity to also join to OP. It’s almost like the added a bit extra and a big extra and so on bc of circs but then didn’t view the whole picture by stepping back and seeing how it looked to the grooms older sister, who he has a good relationship with. It’s so blinkered and ignorant.

He may have resented it becoming bigger than he wanted but should have been grown up enough to accept this had happened and ensured no one felt shit about it by at least talking to OP to explain things. It was so thoughtless and needlessly hurtful. Bit it’s also the keeping it a massive secret that adds an extra layer that can’t just be explained away by mere thoughtlessness and omission. It was actively hidden from her.

It is worth a try...It does sound like the mature way to deal with it.
But I do wonder if OP will even be allowed to get all these words out, and if they will even listen (that's going by the brother's really crap and goady response to her perfectly nice message.)

Im not sure these people who thought it was a good idea for all of them to keep it secret and then sent her pictures of what she was missing would be reasonable enough to see the OP's point of view. Their biggest fault for me was that all of them made sure not to mention it and now have left her to sit and wonder what the reason were - leaving her to imagine why. I think that is cruelest part of it, far beyond not being invited, and They could have spared her that.
An explanation of the thinking, numbers, space in the registry office etc. would at least have made the OP feel deliberately excluded and kept out of the loop. It's like either Brother or Mum decided that OP would kick up a fuss, insist on coming and it was better to say nothing - which again indicates a lack of respect in dealing with her.

So it's worth a try, but also worth considering that she's not dealing with people who have much empathy, who appear inflexible and have already made up their mind about her - (the mother who went along with it all especially) I was going to add the step dad, but maybe he was breaking ranks and giving her a quiet heads up by sending her the pic in advance of the mum all dressed up.. He either did it without thinking or he was prompting OP to contact her mum and ask what she was all dressed up for. Only OP can judge that.

I have a feeling that OP will not get much satisfaction and in fact end up being criticised, whatever she does. I really feel for her. It's an unfair situation to be stuck in - and not even of her making. In that case I guess it is a way forward to say her piece and put it behind her, focusing on her own little family, whatever push back she receives.

My experience was the opposite: the registry office was the only meaningful bit for us, the "wedding" was just a big party in our eyes. I would have been happy not to have had it at all, but our parents on both sides insisted (and paid for it!). People flew in from all over. It was lovely of them to have done so, but it really wasn't necessary and changed nothing about my relationships with them and the people who didn't come. An expensive waste of resources imo, but I went along because it meant something to the parents.

I really have no patience at all with people who lie - including by omission - about the legal ceremony having already taken place, about the "wedding" bit being the real thing. It's bollocks. They'll throw out all sorts ("oh, it's making our vows in front of our loved ones that really binds us together" blah blah) but in 99.9% of cases it's about the money and the party. For religious folk the legalities and spiritual aspects tend to all be part of the shebang so it's different. Everyone else it's just a mish mash of "we want this, this and this but we can't have it so we're just going to lie and pretend". And this is the sort of stuff that ends up happening.

i have said multiple times I completely understand why you’re upset, just trying to offer a different perspective, which you’ve clearly already considered. I personally would try and move past my hurt if I knew that it wasn’t intentional and I’d stop insisting that you’ve missed their wedding, when you haven’t. He should apologise of course but you’ve not reached out to him to discuss either. Your mum may have already told him how upset your are with him. I hope you move past it and go to the wedding as I imagine you’ll get over this eventually but doubt you’ll ever stop grieving the loss of your relationship with your brother if you end up in a till death feud

Fundamentally it's impossible for me to imagine this happening to me - in what is the likely context of it all being a bit unintentional - (as the brother) and not getting in touch with OP and telling her what was going on, and either inviting her, or, at the very least, saying 'this is all going a bit mad and I hope you don't mind us not inviting you but we're still really trying to keep a lid on it and we can't wait to celebrate our real wedding with you later in the year'.

It's like either Brother or Mum decided that OP would kick up a fuss, insist on coming and it was better to say nothing

Honestly though, this would never have happened, and they would know that. I would never demand to be invited somewhere, or try to spoil the couple's vision of anything. I am not like that in the slightest, I promise you.

The one thing that those who are trying to minimise this as a non issue is - why all the secrecy?
There is no justification for that.

I kept my registry and quiet as I could, I knew people would view it as my wedding and see my actual beautiful day on a beach with just close friends and family and a bit of a farce because it wasn’t the legal parts. I would never have left one person out though. Would have let my mum come if it was imprtant to her but didn’t tell my siblings.

If they'd have done that bit in secret, with two strangers as witnesses or whatever, I wouldn't have minded at all. I absolutely see the benefit in that.

This is different.

I don't really agree with this "it's just a formality" thing. Because it isn't. It is the actual day you get married. You may have your wedding on another day, but your guests won't see you get married on that day. It is kind of sneaky to mislead people into thinking they are going to see you get married, especially when it involves the expense of travelling overseas. That is important to some people. And that's why a lot of people keep it a secret. They don't want their guests to know.

In the OP's case, she was the only close relative with just an afterparty invite. The second afterparty, that is. She didn't even get to go to the first afterparty.

This is exactly why I didn’t tell people. That was my wedding. Doing it in a registry office saved me £0000s. It was just a formallity. And a lot of people clearly will see that day as just a party. However brother was happy to tell her after the fact so to be fair that is different to my situation.

I absolutely agree with your every word BUT is it worth breaking a family apart and alienating people? From my experience family reconciliation is so important even if everyone doesn’t agree, we can all agree to disagree . When there is a family emergency usually everyone gets back together and it’s very often too late. OP has to step back and think, is this worth losing my mum, brother and sister over? Loneliness and no support in old age is awful. I’ve seen it in care homes where parents end up with no visitors from family. The vital thing now at this stage is to talk. If brother won’t make the first step then she must and can then think well at least I tried. She states in original post that sometimes relationships with brother are fragile ( might not be the exact word she used before I get pulled up on it) It’s worth a try surely.

I think the "I'm sorry you feel that way" response would be the last straw, it's a hideously passive aggressive put-down and dismissal of your very valid feelings.

The amount of planning, outfit buying, meal booking etc, that was involved can only have happened without your knowledge, by dint of them sharing a "don't mention it to Cheesus" policy. That is unbelievably hurtful, and then your own mother dismisses your feelings, and they all act as if you're the one who has behaved badly.

No way would I be bothering about the wedding abroad either. I'm glad you have a supportive partner x

They might not all have known. In the situation that I outlined above, I know for a fact that my husband's son and DIL had no idea that he hadn't been invited - they assumed that he'd declined the invite (because of his disability, I suppose).

The guilty parties were his ex - who lied by omission - and his daughter - who "thought [he] wouldn't want to come" and simply didn't invite him.

NB In spite of his disabilities, DH had previously managed to attend three weddings and a family holiday in Eastern Europe. All we did was make sure that we had accessible accommodation and airport assistance lined up.

If it was just a formality and no big deal, why did everyone keep it a secret from OP? Every member of OP's close family was invited apart from her. Her brother's fiancee's parents and sibling flew in from overseas. People dressed up in posh dresses and hats. It was a wedding and OP was excluded. They all know that she is really upset but no-one has apologised or even checked in to see if she is OK. They may not have meant to upset her, but they are now not really bothered that they did.

My mum was working that day, she knew about it and took my lead that she didn’t need to come. I didn’t tell my siblings. They probably still don’t know we did the legal bit here. For me it was that much of a non-event. I did dress up though as it was important to my DWs family who had decided not to come to our wedding abroad. It was very small and we told everyone there was no obligation to come. A few people, including my family and a few friends decided to come as they made a holiday out of it. I’m not saying this is the same senario here: it’s obvious different and ultimately now they know OP is upset and they should see it from her perspective and apologise. But people get funny around weddings. I just hope this doesn’t ruin her relationships going forward

I'm aware I'm stubborn but for those suggesting OP should reach out to her brother - maybe after a lifetime of being the 'easier' sibling/daughter, OP perhaps doesn't feel that she should be the one reaching out to fix the situation (as her family may be expecting her to) after being hurt like this.

It's up to them to reach out to apologise.

OP so sorry you are going through this.

Autumnnow · Today 15:29 "The amount of planning, outfit buying, meal booking etc, that was involved can only have happened without your knowledge, by dint of them sharing a "don't mention it to Cheesus" policy."

Exactly, and I would think that the overriding thought in SweetBabyCheesus' mind, must be WHY?

I’ve already said about why I kept mine a secret. And my DWs family came and we dressed up (but not in wedding attire) - for them. For me that was a non-event. I barely remember the date as I see my actual wedding as my wedding date.

I think the real issue is that they didn’t realise they’d messed up and apologise, I don’t think the secrecy proves that they purposely excluded her. But that’s just because I have my own experiences but I could be wrong. Maybe he’s just a massive twat who hates his sister

OP isn't being 'funny around weddings'. This experience has just opened her eyes to where she stands in the pecking order and that none of her close family even considered how upset she would be if/when she found out about the wedding and her being the only close family member not to be invited.

Her own mother colluded to keep OP in the dark yet OP is the one who provides all the emotional support for her mum, not her other two siblings.

There is no reasonable explanation for their behaviour and possibly not even a grovelling apology (which I'm sure will not happen) will heal the rift that her family have created.

This isn't necessarily the case. Many countries require you to have a civil wedding as well as a church one. The civil part of the process really is a tick box and the church wedding is the 'real' one to many people. It's not done to save money, but because the law demands it. As the wedding is being held in the bride's home country rather than as a destination wedding, this may well be the case here.

Exactly!!!

I meant her brother, people get funny their own weddings. He might see this as OP ruining his wedding by starting an argument. People get very precious over their weddings